Feeling really down and depressed!

Hello friends, I just needed to get some feelings off my chest. They are really bringing me down. I want this weight off of me and I feel like it will never happen. I hate dieting period! I hate having to watch everything I eat. I am a meat eater, I love beef, chicken and pork. Things like pasta, potatoes, ice cream I can def. do without. I can't stand potatoes and ice cream hurts my stomach. With the DS I can eat meat all the time, (some people think I'm gross but I love eating steak fat) though I try not too because I know it's not good for me. 

I look at myself in the mirror and wonder to myself "how did I get this way". Just 15 yrs. ago I weighed 165 lbs. I'm pretty sure everyone on here has said this at one point in their lives. I feel like I'm never gonna get this surgery, it's never gonna happen. To many in my family don't want me to go under the knife and rearrange my inners. I understand their fears because I would feel the same way about them. But hey, if it will improve their life then I think the risk is worth it. I feel that no one (my husband, father, brothers, mother and my kids) truly understand my need to do this. I've tried dieting soooo many times and I'm tired of failing. It hurts to hear my son tell me "Mommy I love  you the way you are now, why do you want to risk dying when you can stay the same way you are now". I've tried to explain to him that I'm risking my life now staying this big, everyday I stay this big I shorten my life span. My oldest daughter she understand my need to do this, but she's afraid. I've told her that not to worry, I'm doing this for them so I can live longer and watch them grow up and have a family of their own. She understands she said, but she's afraid I will die on the operating table. I told her I've been operated on 5 times that I will be okay. My youngest doens't understand. She ask me questions all the time about why my skin hangs and why I have a big belly. She knows that "Mommy want to go to the hospital and come home skinny" that's what she thinks.

Everyday when I feel a twinge in my chest I always worry it's my heart. I think having a heart attack without knowing what's going inside of me scares me far worse then having this surgery. I worry about complications, but I've had 5 surgeries in the past and they were major surgeries. Even though 3 C-Sections are a piece of cake to have(I'm saying that in a sarcastic sort of way), anything could have gone wrong afterwards. Overall, my biggest fear is having a heart attack living that way I am living now.

What bothers me the most is not having the support I really need. I guess this is what is making me so depressed. I told my husband I'm not giving in this time. He's either with me or he's not. Either way I'll find the support I need through friends. Really, I just need someone to talk to. I have so many emotions rolling through my head that it's hard to grasp on to them. They keep me up all night. But, what keeps me up at night too is thinking about how happy I would be after having this surgery. The one thing I don't like about me is that over the past 4 years I've become a recluse, I'm afraid to go out for fear of being made fun of. That's what I daydream about is being able to walk out in public and feeling free, free of fear. What now just typing that last part made me tear up. I want, no need to shed this body that I'm trapped in and I'm scared to death that it will never happen, and it's depressing. 

Thanks guys for listening to me, sorry it's so long! I needed to express some of this that's bottled up inside of me and I figured here was the best place to do that. I have a long road ahead of me, but I am more then willing to walk it as far as it will take me! I just would like to make some friends along the way that wouldn't mind supporting me! God knows I will need them!

Brandy

You have a right to a life too.  And you have decided to be brave enough to do what needs to be done.  Celebrate!  Don't let those people rain on your parade.  Just be glad you are willing to change!

Patty, that's what I'm doing. I've been through a lot lately with people trying to run my life that I've made a point not to let them anymore. I want this to much to listen to anyone else. And, I can't wait to celebrate a new me after I'm switched! =)

sending you a PM

I got your message and will reply back. Thanks for offering to be my supporter and willing to talk to me more about it. I really do appreciate it. =)

The only support I have is my primary doctor, surgeon, the great people on this board and the Facebook DSers group. My family was not on board with me having surgery at all. "Just diet and go to the gym" they would say. Ofcourse I've tried that to no avail for years. One day I woke up and decided I deserved to be happy just like everyone else. With the blessing of God, support of my doctors, and willingness to do what it takes, I was switched 11/01/2012. Down 80 pounds so far.

I had to fight and pay quite a bit out of pocket for my DS. But I feel a good quality of life is worth it. Life is too short not to live it to the fullest!

Congrats on your 80 lb loss. I bet you feel so much better being 80 lbs lighter?!? That's why I came back the OH is because everyone offers their support, they've been there done that and they understand what us newbies are going through. It's so hard to get our love ones to understand us and they don't realize that it hurts us in the long run by not being there for us. I know it hurts that my husband can't understand why I just can't lose the weight on my own. He told me to give him 3 mos to prove I can do it on my own with his help to naturally lose the weight. So I have agreed, since I have to do the 6 mos supervised diet, so I guess I will just humor him while I'm at. LOL!

Brandy you will be fine!!!! Just be positive. My hubby is scare the only thing is that he try not to talk to me about it. Because he knows that am scare myself because now we have our son Maddox his going to be two in march. 

My worse fear in not being there. Especially for Maddox! I had have two liposuction a tummy tuck breast lift with implants c section my tonsil out. Before didn't care because never had a family no one care for me. They are the most amazing ever happen to me. I know god will be by my side and by your as well. My surgery will be in may. Remember we are energy so think positive and talk positive because we got what we ask for words have power so talk positive about this and your best friend will always be god

Thank you Biscocho! I so want the support from my husband. I think that's what bothers me the most. My kids are my everything. I worry about leaving them at such a young age because of my weight, and I do also fear dying from complication of both surgery and staying this big. This has I believe crossed everyones minds at some point in their long road to getting their surgery. I know when the time comes I'm gonna be bubbling with excitement and scared at the same time. I know this is normal to feel this way. So I do try not to let fear over ride my everyday life of dreaming about having the DS. =)

Brandy, where are you in the process - i.e. Is surgery far down the line?   Yes there is a risk with any surgery but what has the family so freaked out they think you are going to die from it?  What have you guys been saying to the kids that have them so worried?    I think we all have the what if I am the only one for whom the surgery doesn't work and I believe it comes from a lifetime of being promised that if you follow this program or that diet you will lose the weight.   This is different.  Its not a gimmick, it is a physical change.   I am not going to say that it is easy because it takes a lot to adjust to the DS lifestyle but I will say that after almost 5 months and 82 pounds, this is the easiest time I have had at loosing weight in the last 30 years.   I would have this surgery again and again if I had to do it.

Hang in there.  Your turn will come and your family will be amazed by what this tool will enable you to achieve.

Renee