Where has my mojo gone?

Friends,

It has been awhile and alot has happened. My mother, age 68, lost her battle with Cancer on August 19th, 2011. Before she left us, we had 3 weeks to spend every last minute with her. We were able to get her to Martha's Vineyard and sit with her on the beach...we told her how much we admired her for her drive and fight..and how much we loved her. We were by her side until her very last breath and that is something I will ALWAYS cheris!!! I think it is during this time that I started to lose control and emotionally eat!! I gave up on MYSELF and figured "life is too short"...EAT! I turned to FOOD for comfort and found that I was eating a TON of sliders!

After she died, the story goes on....I finally finished my BSN (was VERY stressful), my husband is losing his job, my father in law had open heart surgery, my dad has been ineffectively coping with my mothers loss, job stress, the holidays, the kids returned to college and blah, blah...do you hear me?? Excuses, excuses! I am SICK of making them when I KNOW I want to be healthy! I sit here typing this and feel like a big blob! It could have been from the bowl of ice cream with sprinkles on it that I just polished off!!  I have not been anywhere near the scales since September and have no idea where I am in regards to my weight! The truth be known, I am afraid of the scales! I was in a comfortable 16/18 and I am now in a TIGHT 18. I can tell I am about 235-240 but was 223 and I am frightened to see higher! Why do I keep up the emotional eating? I just don't get this self-sabotage???

I don't know if any of you can recall but I had all of the saline removed from my band (approx. March of 2011) and somehow "some" was missing. I don't have much restriction and I can eat almost anything. I don't want that stuck feeling all the time but I do want some control. I am afraid to go to the doctor because he may be upset with me. I was so excited to do this and now look at me! And somehow I have become "afraid" of exercise. I was walking and my hips started killing me. I had Xrays which show moderate degeneration of my hips...so now I cut back and the pain is better. I know I need to do SOMETHING ...maybe yoga?

It wasn't until tonight that I turned to this site again. I realized THIS is where I found my strength and inspiration! Help me! I feel so needy right now. I want to FIX this but have lost that mojo. What the hell am I waiting for ~ to gain it all back??? Geesh!!

****onnie, get a grip!) >>> It is time to pick myself up and brush myself off...I am coming back to the site and visiting nightly! I am starting to eat better the FIRST thing in the a.m. and I will make that MD appt. in order to get a grip of "where I am" and "where I need to be".

Thanks for allowing me to vent. I am needing to get started again....I believe that this can work for me, I am just a little lost now...

Connie

I got off track when I moved in August.  I was exercising 6 days a week and then I had to stop.  I had to pack up and move all by myself with no help (I am single).  Then I had to settle into my new place.  I painted and picked out new furniture and redid my landscape.  Now you would think that was enough exercise...but it wasn't and my weight loss stalled.  I knew I had to get back into the gym before started to gain weight.  But one month and then another would pass by and still I didn't join a gym. 

What finally got me to the gym....I signed up for a 5K and thought I have no choice but to get in shape now.  That was 3 weeks ago and I am now going 5 days a week.  I think I just needed something to get me going again and now that I'm going I know I won't stop.  I am losing again.  The funny thing is when I am exercising I automatically eat healthier.  I am back to no more fast food and no more fried food or simple carbs.  Sometimes we get off track and that's normal we just need to find our way back again.  Here's to hoping that you find your way back!!!! 

Hi Connie,

Don't beat yourself up... reading your post I thought you were going to say you gained every pound back but you really haven't gained all that much (not trying to minimalize).  Given all you have been through, it's a modest gain and definitely something you can tackle. Dust yourself off and get an appointment; I think having some control and goals will feel good. Best wishes!

Hey Connie....... I am right there with you, although I have not had to experience what you went through.....I am so sorry for your losses and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

So actually I am worse because the only reason I went off the "band wagon" was because I had all my fill out right before Thanksgiving, and had some minor family drama.......

Well, one day I woke up and said to myself time to be accountable I got out the scale and knew it wouldn't be good (I out grew most all my pants and was spilling out of the other two that I could still get in)......well it turned out that it was worse than I thought, I actually saw a number that I thought I would never again in my life see..........I was devastated and literally cried I was 27 pounds up from my lowest ever......I had gained 10 already before the unfill then 17 from Thanksgiving to January 26th when I had to suck it up and go to the Surgeons..........

They where very supportive, I think I was harder on myself than they were.........so I got some of my fill back but I am not at the same level I was..........

I have been back tracking my food and carbs, working out and things are going so slow...but I am not getting any bigger..... so my advice would be:

1) First off congratulate yourself to stopping the madness and wanting to do something about it.....big accomplishment!

2) Weigh yourself and take accountability....it might not be as bad as you think plus you need a starting point.

3) Get to the Surgeons office for a fill (if you can get one or need one....even a little is better than nothing).

4) Start a  program or at least start writing everything down that you eat.....(Mari has started a daily post what are you eating today).

5) Come here for inspiration or to vent daily if possible, we are here for each other.

6) Start moving if you can, even if it is only for 10 min. a day to start

And finally love yourself at the point you are now and realize that you have no control over anything else in life other than your reaction to what happens and putting the food in your mouth...(wow wish I could always do that lol).

You can do it and you are not alone in this battle......I am only averaging 1 pound a week but at least I am not getting bigger and know that I am doing all that I can.

Keep us posted and remember you can do this.......

Michele

I am sorry for your loss and the many challenges you have faced recently.

I think that by you getting this off your chest and thinking it all through is a great start! Think of the reasons why you were so motivated the first time! You want to feel better and be healthier. That hasn't changed.

Find a new exercise to get you excited about it. If you hips are bothering you, head to the pool. That way, you won't feel the strain and you will get a ton of exercise pain free.

Keep you head up, you are a strong woman.

 Connie!

It's so good to see you!!!

You've had so much going on.  Please stop beating yourself up.  One thing I learned through my therapy while on this journey is the quest to be perfect hurts us.  You aren't perfect, and are never going to be perfect.  Somehow when I let go of that...and the disappointment of failure when I couldn't be perfect I did so much better.  Really.  You're going to emotionally overeat, because it's your coping mechanism, but now you've moved on.  And what are we talking here 15-20 lbs?  That's doable,  it's not 100lbs.  

Go talk to your surgeon, maybe get a small fill.  Start following the rules again...protein first, then veggies, then carbs.  Cut out the sugar (I have an incredibly tough time with this one!), drink your water and start doing just a little walking...make it level and in a place you enjoy walking (I like the beach)

And get on the scale...just see what the number is...and move on.  It's only a number.

I've had a bit of a regain myself..lowest was 197 now I'm at 212.  C'est La Vie.  Back to work.

And congrats on your BSN!!  I just got accepted into graduate school for my MSN..scary and exciting too.

Welcome back! I'm so happy to see you

Connie,

First I am sorry for your loss and all of the difficult situations that you have been through recently.  I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  You have made the first step in regaining control.  You are asking for help and support.  Excellent job because you have taken the hardest step, the rest will be easier!  Do not beat yourself up because we all have slips and sometimes life gets in teh way of living.   It is just baby steps from this point on!  Good luck on your journey and this board is a wonderful place to get some "anonymous" support when you really need it.  I will always support you and your goal!

Tyler