Thinking I am headed for trouble...

Hey everyone!

First off, Merry Christmas to all who celebrate! I hope you enjoy this festive season, even without snow!

 

Anyway.. as the title states, I think I'm headed for trouble.. I had RNY surgery on December 5, 2011, Before surgery I weighted 280 pounds, and I lost weight the first year extremely rapidly due to complications from the surgery that put me in the hospital at 97 pounds, with a 50% chance of waking up from the surgery I needed to have done. I had scar tissue at the opening to my stomach and ulcers that ate through my stomach and attached themselves to my liver.

After that surgery, I didn't gain back much weight, I'd be around 105 - 110 pounds for the next couple of years. I ended up on some depression medication last year, and it caused me to gain 20 pounds in a month, so i stopped taking that medication (I can't think of the name at the moment), as I was terrified to gain anymore.

Now current day, I've lost that 20 pounds that the medication gave, plus 10 - 15 pounds more. My weight that I just took is at 97.8, which for a 5' 4" female is clearly classed as underweight. This is where the trouble comes in..

My relationship with food has drastically changed, I no longer find anything enjoyable as most foods still make me sick. I'm a very picky eater to begin with, so it makes things tricky. And I am terrified to start gaining a bit of weight back for fear that I'll just keep gaining. I've tried speaking with my surgeon, nutritionist and social worker, and all it does is anger me because they really don't provide much help, just restating what I already know about portion sizes and foods to eat, etc.

So I really don't feel that I have anyone to turn to for guidance and support.. My husband and I talk about this issue all the time, but he doesn't quite fully understand what its like to be in this state. I'm at a loss as for what I need to do to improve my health, both physically and mentally. The last four years have been the toughest struggle of my life, and I've tried so many different psychiatrists, pyschotherapists, social workers, medications... Nothing seems to help.

I don't really know what I'm hoping to gain by posting this, but maybe just someone to talk with that understands what I'm going through. Is there anyone else out here that now weighs below 100 pounds? I tried searching the entire website, but couldn't be bothered searching for an underweight topic amongst all the 100 pounds lost posts.

I thank you in advance for even just reading this :)

 

Keri 

Keri I am sorry to hear you are struggling with this. Maybe Karen will reply as I know her weight is quite low. All I can think of is to suggest you find a daily calorie count that will help you slowly gain some weight like 20lbs. Once you hit that then decrease the calories to maintain.  

I hope you find the answer you are looking for. Merry Christmas. Wishing you health and happiness in 2016. 

Hey Monica, 

Thanks so much for your reply :) I've been super busy with work the last few days, hence the late reply, I apologize for that!

I appreciate your suggestion of finding a daily calorie count that would work for me.. I have tried that in the past, and I still can't meet those amounts most of the time, as things do still make me quite sick from day to day.  Each day is a struggle, and very discouraging. Thanks though for the suggestion of maybe speaking with Karen! Perhaps so has some tricks or tips that may work. 

 

Thank you again for taking the time to reply, I do really appreciate it. Just having someone else's opinion to consider always gives me a lot to think about. :) I hope you had a wonderful Christmas and wish you a very happy and healthy 2016!

I am sorry you are having this problem. I get the fear of gaining. I struggle with this as well. However you have taken a little farther than is healthy for you. At this point you might consider a clinic for eating disorders. There have been other people who have ended up like you but most no longer post.

It is important that you find a new balance with food for your health

I wish you a better year next year

Hey there Pat, 

 

Thank you for your advice :) I have considered a clinic for eating disorders, though they lack the knowledge of what an RNY patient is like and at least for the ones that I've spoken to, they don't have any idea how to help. Especially since my daily 'okay to eat today food list' changes so often. I'm hoping to either just stumble across something that will help, or find someone on here who is in the same position as me and could perhaps have suggestions for what works for them. 

I know how important it is at this stage to find something that works to better my health, it does just get so discouraging. Especially after having essentially 4 years of dealing with this struggle...

 

I hope you have a wonderful and happy 2016!

Hi Keri: 

im so sorry to hear your story. You've had so many problem that have caused you physical and mental distress. It is important at this level that you get the help you need to give you the mind set to begin to improve  your health.  You were put on medication for depression  that caused you to gain 20 lbs which was the best thing for you yet you stopped it due to the weight gain and the fear of gaining more weight. 

The best thing is to help you get  the help you need to over take negative things that have caused you this distress. 

I give you so much credit for having the bravery to put your issues out there for all to see. But that is a good thing , get the help you need to overcome this and return to a healthy life. 

97.8 and 5 ft 4 is not healthy in any way 

you have taken this to the most negative  extreme. You were 280 lbs and have dropped 190 lbs of it.  

There are medical people out there that can help with eating disorders that have so affected your life. 

You have replaced one eating disorder ( obesity ) and replaced it with another ( anorexia ) to go from overeating and over weight to avoiding and hating food to create another disorder. 

I hope you get the help you need to return to a healthy lifestyle that works for you. 

You are so brave to come out and ask for help and hope you find the people that can help you return to a healthy life. 

I am a RN that works in emergency and in no way am I an  expert  or directing advice. I'm giving an opinion to direct you to seek the people who can help you the  most. 

Simon

Hi Simon :)

I really appreciate all that you have mentioned to me, and I do apologize for taking so long to respond.. work and holidays kinda got in the way!

I am currently seeking help through a psychologist and a psychotherapist along side my regular family doctor, in the hopes of dealing with the severe depression, anxiety and pain issues I'm suffering with, amongst other things. This journey certainly has not been at all what I expected/hoped to have had, and if I can be quite honest, I would go back in time and not have this done had I have known how extreme/dangerous this surgery results would be. Both mentally and physically I am drained and left with so little energy to pursue much of anything in the way of activity over the past 4 years. It's taken a heavy toll on my new husband, we were married about 8 months after I had surgery. Not to mention the stress and worry my parents have also gone through. 

 

I'm hoping I'll have enough confidence some day to go to a support group of some sort that can help me through this journey, or that I'll connect with someone on here who has been in similar situations... we could may e work together on finding some way (for me especially) to be happy with my body as I am now. It's almost like I have BDD... My husband says I look fantastic, but because I still have excess skin around my stomach and lose skin on my arms and legs, all I see in the mirror is someone who disgusts me. I try to think position, but its tough. And I think I add more fuel to the fire when I go clothes shopping and either require the XS or XXS or 0 or 00 sizes... or worse lol... I can fit into most girls clothing if they are size 12 to 16. and 16 often runs big. In a way it amuses me, and I can't imagine what it looks like for me to be shopping in those areas, but I still get carded for buying lotto or scratch tickets!

 

In any case, I do need to figure out what to do diet wise, and find some low impact swimming that I can do that won't further destroy my knees and back. Thank you for acknowledging that I am brave to be putting this out here... it's taken me a while and a few times of writing different posts before it's actually made it on here, but I'm so glad that I finally did. It's so nice to know that even after a couple years of me not being around much on the boards that people are still so happy to help out with their opinion.

 

I hope we can keep in touch :)

 

Keri

Hey Keri :

happy holidays . I know I was saying how brave you are for spilling your heart , but really Keri I don't have the words to tell you how much I adire you just throwing your issues out there. I can truly see your doing all you can to be as good as you possibly can be. 

It so hard to take critsisim from others and smile and return an answer to make others happy yet trying to take any little thing that may help in any way. 

Really keri I read your story and say " am I doing the right thing having surgery "

on jan 25 I'm having surgery to remove a lap band and do a revision to an RNY 

yes keri I too fear that complications may happen as you take that risk with any surgery. 

Yes I want the surgery but that fear is always there.  

Keri put the thought of gaining any  weight out of your head. Your too smart to return to the overweight person you were. So weight gain for you is a great thing done in a healthy way. Your smart enough to gain weight and use it to your advantage. And I know 100% you can do that and do it right. !!!!!!

All we want is to be healthy and sometimes it does not go the way we want. 

All my life Keri I've been fit and trim and a few years ago I had a really bad break of my ankle that required several surgeries and that when my weight got out of hand. I was 6 ft 190 lbs and them spent the next 18 months non weight bearing on crutches and my weight went crazy. Now with the bad ankle exercise is hard as I still require more surgery. 

Just love your story and talking to you. Would gladly like to share email to keep in touch 

just know Keri 

life is crazy at the best of times and it's not just living life but what we do with it.  

 

Keep smiling 

simon

Actually, I can relate to this. I was very ill a few years ago and bottomed out at about 97 pounds myself. It took me quite a while to have any sort of positive relationship with food. I would gag, hack, carry on... it was really discouraging and quite frankly, scary. I had to retrain my gut to accept food again. I would start with a protein shake first thing, with coffee. Sip of one, sip of another. I had to "force" myself. And it took a while to get past the initial "ugh", trust me. Day after day I would try again, trying to add something small in addition to the protein shakes. I figured that at least I was getting something in the way of nutrition from the shakes. Honestly, you have to keep at it. At 5'4" and the weight you are, you NEED to gain weight. Put the thoughts of gaining too much out of your head completely. It's hurting you.

Keri, i am glad you posted this... I too have NO enjoyment of food any more.. I could care less about cooking it or eating it..But my journey is different from yours.. I have not had your medical issues and i dont worry about gaining weight if i do eat. I just have no desire to eat . I have been working with a therapist as well. I know it is a pyschological problem i have .. Just another issue with food but a total 360 turn from the way my mind worked before surgery.. Nothing tastes good to me ,i  only eat because i know i have to. I am on high dose of my iron daily, vit D with calcium.. B-12 etc.I am 5"4.. and around 110 lbs.. My body is holding that weight  right now.. I wish i had answers for you. I just force myself because i know i need the nutrients . But for you its worse because you get sick. Its a double edge sword for you. I hope  this gets better for you Keri. One thing my doctor told me sticks with me, therapy can only do so much for me, its up to me to to find my way through this. So i struggle daily to better myself.. I wish i had answers for you Keri. Just keep plugging away hun day by day. Please keep posting ...Take care Krista...