Hi girls :)

I kinda wandered away from the board for a while, I guess I just needed a break.

Just a little background on me:

4 years trying to conceive

POCS diagnosed in January 2013

Clomid x 7 months

Femara x 1 month

IUI x 1

Anyway I took your good advise and asked about Femara and I started it last month. after 7 months on Clomid.  I had good results with 3 good sized follicles 24,22, and 18 so lots of potential there. I was in the last few days of my two week wait last week and I began to spot....this has never happened to be before! I was 12 days post ovulation and on cycle day 24 my heart did cartwheels because I thought it was implantation bleeding.  I went home super excited to tell my husband what was happening.....and then I did the worst thing I could have possibly done.....I let myself believe it...I thought of names, colors to pain the room, buying a little rocking chair I had seen in a second hand store last week, telling my mom.. and I enjoyed every second of those day dreams.....And then Friday showed up and I was still on cloud 9 couldn't wait until my tww was up on Sunday so I could take a pregnancy test.

That "spotting" got awful heavy on Friday and I just new it I knew it was my period....in a moment of denial and desperation I called my doctor and asked for a blood pregnancy test..as I was not willing to accept the truth, She kindly and intelligently informed me that this was most likely my period and not implantation and that it was too early for a blood test. Well the flow got heavier as the day went on and I eventually accepted that I was out this month.

I am not exaggerating when I say that Friday may have been the worst day of my life. The heart break was crushing, I could barely speak to anyone, and to make things worse I was at work all day and I had an orientee with me (who probably thinks I am the biggest B on the face of the earth). No one at work knows I am doing any of this so I couldn't say anything to anyone, nor would I want to for fear that I would get asked about it all the time. I cried in the bathroom like 4 times and it was just a horrible day.

To ice my cake of misery, I had a family party to attend Friday night that I couldn't skip because I was bringing stuff and co-hosting it. So I went home after work and balled in my room for about 30 min, then I pulled myself together, got dressed, fixed my face up and went.

I am so glad I did, seeing my family made me realize what an AMAZING life I already have, full of people who love me regardless if I ever have a baby or not, they loved me at 300 pounds they love me now. My cousin was there with her 4 amazing kids and I played with them and held my baby cousin and I can't even tell you the healing that came over me. I took the kids home with me after the party (giving mom n dad a little break) And we had the best weekend! We went to the pet store, out for McDonald's and to the park. It was exactly what I needed.

If it is God's will to give me a child, it will happen, if it is not, that's ok because I already have more blessings than any woman could ever ask for.

Thanks for reading this, sometimes I think we all just need to pour our hearts out sometimes :)

Made me tear up...I'm happy you have found peace with everything. I have heard numerous stories from ladies who say they conceived once they accepted their life as it was and wasn't stressed/consumed with all the trying/timing and worries that infertility can bring. Just have sex because you want to make love to your partner and not because your ovulating or its the perfect time can make a huge difference. I hope it all works out for you

Thanks girlie :)