Multiple Dr appts made, but need cheering up... jokes? uplifting stuff?

My belly hurts just as bad today as it did yesterday, so I am home (without pay) again today.  I am seeing my PCP at 11:15 to see if there is a surgeon he can recommend who might be willing to see me quickly.  I made an appt for 10:45 tomorrow (will take an early lunch from work, I guess) to see the surgeon who bailed on me yesterday to ask him WTH happened.

Between the situations with BOTH my jobs (both are in danger of ending soon, and I hate the full-time one (IT) because I do not have the proper accounting background so I feel completely incompetent, but I need the money since I am single), my therapist retiring in a few weeks, this pain (and feeling like it doesn't matter to anyone that can help with it), trying to figure out the best way to come up with the money for the other half of my house siding replacement, cocnern about the economy (especially bad here), my continuing PTSD, taking a temporary break from working on my dissertation, etc... I need some serious cheering up.

Anybody got any good jokes?  Anybody have something you find particularly uplifting when things seem overwhelming, hopeless, etc.?  Anybody know a doctor willing to put me on STD for a couple of weeks...?!? 

Lora

I look at the 3D pics of my baby girl.  They are on FB if you want to look.

You can google Chocolate Rain cool video (Not dirty at all).

When life gives you lemons grab the tequila & salt. And get drunk and tell life "F*CK YOU!" - Stolen from a friend of mine.

I know things have been hard for you lately and you have shown amazing strength. I truely hope things turn around for you soon.

Since you have a couple of doctor appointments scheduled, I would ask them about STD.

You certainly have more than your share of stress right now.  I don't know any good jokes, though.  I'll just tell you I'm thinking of you and hope you find someone to do something about your pain soon.

Gosh Lora I read your other thread, I'm really sorry you aren't get help and answers.  I really hope your PCP gives you hope and help today (((((Lora))))).

Saw you mention dog food so I  know you like dogs, how about a few cute puppy pictures to hopefully cheer you up.

President Obama's motorcade was driving through a residential area. He saw a little girl sitting next to a box with a sign that said "Free Puppies". He stopped and talked with the little girl. he asked her what kinda puppies they were. She replied they were "Democrats" This excited the President and he went to the White house, phoned some members of congress and told them about what the little girl said. So the next day the president and democrat members of congress as well as the media visited the little girl again. The president again asked her what kinda puppies they were. With all listening close, the little girl said they were "Republicans". All were stunned by her comment. The press were furiously taking notes. Flabbergasted, the President asked the little girl why she said yesterday the puppies were democrats and today they are republicans. The little girl replied, yesterday they had they're eyes closed, today they're eyes are open. Everyone drove off in a huff.

Lora,
I'm sorry you're doing so badly and hope you find a competent surgeon soon.  HUGS.  Here are some of my favorites.

Jan

WHEN YOU THINK YOU'RE HAVING A BAD DAY, REMEMBER THIS POOR GUY IN TRINIDAD.

    

This falls into the "Why did it have to happen on *MY* shift?" category.

    

A friend of mine is a chief engineer at SuperMac, and he related this story  to me.

    

SuperMac records a certain number of technical support calls at random, to  keep tabs on customer satisfaction.  By wild "luck", they managed to catch  the following conversation on tape.

    

Some poor SuperMac TechSport got a call from some middle level official from  the legitimate government of Trinidad. The fellow spoke very good English,  and fairly calmly described the problem.

    

It seemed that there was a coup attempt in progress at that moment. However,  the national armoury for that city was kept in the same building as the  Legislature, and it seems that there was a combination lock on the door to  the armoury. Of the people in the capitol city that day, only the Chief of  the Capitol Guard and the Chief Armourer knew the combination to the lock,  and they had already been killed.

    

So, this officer of the government of Trinidad continued, the problem is  this. The combination to the lock is stored in a file on the Macintosh , but  the file has been encrypted with the SuperMac product called Sentinel.  Was  there any chance, he asked, that there was a "back door" to the application,  so they could get the combination, open the armoury door, and defend the  Capitol Building and the legitimately elected government of Trinidad against  the insurgents?

    

All the while he is asking this in a very calm voice, there is the sound of  gunfire in the background. The Technical Support guy put the person on hold.  A phone call to the phone company verified that the origin of the call was  in fact Trinidad. Meanwhile, there was this mad scramble to see if anybody  knew of any "back doors" in the Sentinel program.

    

As it turned out, Sentinel uses DES to encrypt the files, and there was no  known back door. The Tech Support fellow told the customer that aside from  trying to guess the password, there was no way through Sentinel, and that  they'd be better off trying to physically destroy the lock.

    

The official was very polite, thanked him for the effort, and hung up.  That  night, the legitimate government of Trinidad fell. One of the BBC reporters  mentioned that the casualties seemed heaviest in the capitol, where for some  reason, there seemed to be little return fire from the government forces.

    

O.K., so they shouldn't have kept the combination in so precarious a fashion. But it does place, "I can't see my Microsoft Mail server" complaints in a different sort of perspective, does it not?

-----------------------------------------------

some smart women.


* 1. I'm not offended by all the dumb
* blonde jokes because I
* know I'm not dumb .... and I also
* know that I'm not blonde.
* -Dolly Parton-

* 2. You see a lot of smart guys with
* dumb women, but you hardly ever see
* a smart woman with a dumb guy.
* -Erica Jong-

* 3. I want to have children, but my
* friends scare me. One of
* my friends told me she was in labor
* for 36 hours. I don't even
* want to do anything that feels good
* for 36 hours.
* -Rita Rudner-

* 4. My husband and I are either going
* to buy a dog or have a child. We can't
* decide to ruin our carpet
* or ruin our lives.
* -Rita Rudner-

* 5. I've been on so many blind dates,
* I should get a free dog.
* -Wendy Liebman-

* 6. Never lend your car to anyone to
* whom you have given birth.
* -Erma Bombeck-

* 7. If high heels were so wonderful,
* men would still be wearing them.
* -Sue Grafton-

* 8. I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears
* makes one you can ride on.
* -Roseanne Barr-

* 9. I think-therefore I'm single.
* -Lizz Winstead-

* 10. When women are depressed they
* either eat or go shopping.
* Men invade another country.
* -Elayne Boosler-

* 11. Behind every successful man is a
* surprised woman.
* -Maryon Pearson-

* 12. I base most of my fashion taste
* on what doesn't itch.
* -Gilda Radner-

* 13. In politics, if you want anything
* said, ask a man; if you want anything
* done, ask a woman.
* -Margaret Thatcher-

* 14. I have yet to hear a man ask for
* advice on how to
* combine marriage and a career.
* -Gloria Steinem-

* 15. Some of us are becoming the men
* we wanted to marry.
* -Gloria Steinem-

* 16. I never married because there was
* no need. I have three pets at home
* which answer the same purpose as a husband.
* I have a dog that growls every morning,
* a parrot that swears all afternoon,
* and a cat that comes home late at night
* -Marie Corelli-

* 17. Nagging is the repetition of
* unpalatable truths.
* -Baroness Edith-Summerskill

* 18 If men can run the world, why
* can't they stop wearing neckties?
* How intelligent is it to start
* the day by tying a little
* noose around your neck?
* -Linda Ellerbee-

* 19. I am a marvelous housekeeper.
* Every time I leave a man I
* keep his house.
* -Zsa Zsa Gabor-

* 20. Nobody can make you feel inferior
* without your permission.
* -Eleanor Roosevelt-

Tales of ParentHood (The Real Story) by John McGill

Highlights from this weekend with the kids:

1) Trying to explain what "Mutant" meant to my four year old without using
my wife as an example.

2) Spent 40 minutes answering questions regarding the anatomical
differences between Ninja turtles, Gamera, and the turtles at the pet store.

3) Kyle, the two year-old, finger-painted the walls in his room with the
waste he pulled out of his diaper.

4) Had to answer the question "Why do you laugh when the Simpsons are bad
and not when I am?"

5) Found that "Pop-Tart" I gave my son three weeks ago!

6) Watched my sons destroy one of those blow-up punching bags in less than
twenty minutes.

7) Broke up 17 fights.

8) Had my testicles stepped on by the children 7 1/2 times. (1/2 was the
left one only).

9) Had to answer question "Why doesn't GI-Joe have a wee-wee?"

10) Missed out on the Rice Spitting contest in the dining room.

11) The dog submitted it's two week notice.

12) I smacked Kyle's butt (the one in diapers) and blew a load down his leg
and onto the rug.

13) New names I was called this weekend: "DummyHead, PoopyHead and GoofyHead".

14) Woke up Sunday morning with one kid sleeping on my stomach, one on my
left arm (numb for an hour) and the dog sleeping across my legs. My wife escaped to sleep
on the couch.

15) We saluted during the burial at sea (the toilet) of one of the
goldfish. I explained the toilet runs to the river, my son is now afraid of drinking the dead goldfish, because he knows drinking water comes from the river.

16) Had to explain to John why we couldn't rent "The Devil in Miss Jones"
at the video store Friday. We settled on Spiderman. Bummer.

17) Said "Don't suck your thumb" about thirty times.

18) Said "Don't pick your nose" about ten times.

19) My son John came in on Sunday telling me that Kyle had eaten all the
"pills" he found in Mommy's pocketbook. I panicked, ran out and found Kyle with the empty TIC TAC container and beautiful breath.

20) Used the old "Doggies playing Leapfrog" explanation at the park.

While brushing my teeth last night I was using a new cup in the bathroom.
(It was one of those large "Big Gulp" plastic types from convenience stores, which I thought was odd for a bathroom cup). My son John came in and asked me "Why are you drinking out of our wee-wee pot?" I think I am going insane.

I heard my youngest child go into the bathroom at 2:00 AM and felt good
that he was finally using the bathroom at night. I didn't hear any splashing, but I was too tired to go look. I awoke and checked for where he went. It took a while, but I discovered he urinated in the bathroom trashcan. I love being a dad.


Our next door neighbor has an older male dog that, when excited, tends to
wet itself. The other day I was watching out the back window as my three year old, Kyle, played near the fence. Ziggy, the dog, came over and urinated on Kyle. Kyle was furious. As I was running out to help Kyle I watched in amazement as he stood up, pulled his pants down and preceeded to urinate on the dog.

I screamed "Kyle what are you doing?"

"He wee-wee'd on me, I can wee-wee on him".!"


BackDraft II, The Sequel

Setup- Last week we saw a review of Backdraft (the movie) on TV. My son
Kyle (aged 3) just thought that was so cool.

Sunday, June 30.

We were having a party for John, now aged five. Suddenly we noticed a
strange noise coming from the back family room. I heard my wife scream and ran to find out what was happening.

My son Kyle was standing in the middle of the room with the garden hose,
with high pressure nozzle, spraying the walls, floors, furniture. There was about a half inch of water across the floor.

I am losing my mind.

EXPRESSIONS FOR A WOMAN'S HIGH STRESS DAYS

1. You! Off my planet!!
2. Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
3. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
4. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
5. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
6. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
7. Allow me to introduce my selves.
8. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
9. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
10. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
11. I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
12. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
13. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you weren't asleep
14. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
15. How many times do I have to flush before you go away.
16. I want revenge. Is that so wrong?
17. You say I'm a ***** like it's a bad thing.
18. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
19. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
20. Chaos, panic & disorder - my work here is done.
21. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep inside the earth.
22. Earth is full. Go home.
23. Is it time for your medication or mine?
24. Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?
25. How do I set a laser printer to stun.
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you.-

Imagine if you will... the leader of the fifth invader force speaking to
the commander in chief...

"They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it. We picked several from different parts of
the planet, took them aboard our recon vessels, probed them all the way
through. They're completely meat."
"That's impossible. What about the radio signals? The messages to the
stars."
"They use the radio waves to talk, but the signals don't come from them.
The signals come from machines."
"So who made the machines? That's who we want to contact."
"They made the machines. That's what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made
the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can meat make a machine? You're asking me to
believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. These creatures are the only
sentient race in the sector and they're made out of meat."
"Maybe they're like the Orfolei. You know, a carbon-based intelligence
that goes through a meat stage."
"Nope. They're born meat and they die meat. We studied them for several
of their life spans, which didn't take too long. Do you have any idea
the life span of meat?"
"Spare me. Okay, maybe they're only part meat. You know, like the
Weddilei. A meat head with an electron plasma brain inside."
"Nope. We thought of that, since they do have meat heads like the
Weddilei. But I told you, we probed them. They're meat all the way
through."
"No brain?"
"Oh, there is a brain all right. It's just that the brain is made out of
meat!"
"So... what does the thinking?"
"You're not understanding, are you? The brain does the thinking. The
meat."
"Thinking meat! You're asking me to believe in thinking meat!"
"Yes, thinking meat! Conscious meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The
meat is the whole deal! Are you getting the picture?"
"Omigod. You're serious then. They're made out of meat."
"Finally, Yes. They are indeed made out meat. And they've been trying to
get in touch with us for almost a hundred of their years."
"So what does the meat have in mind?"
"First it wants to talk to us. Then I imagine it wants to explore the
universe, contact other sentients, swap ideas and information. The
usual."
"We're supposed to talk to meat?"
"That's the idea. That's the message they're sending out by radio.
'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?' That sort of thing."
"They actually do talk, then. They use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it with meat."
"I thought you just told me they used radio."
"They do, but what do you think is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know
how when you slap or flap meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping
their meat at each other. They can even sing by squirting air through
their meat."
"Omigod. Singing meat. This is altogether too much. So what do you
advise?"
"Officially or unofficially?"
"Both."
"Officially, we are required to contact, welcome, and log in any and all
sentient races or multibeings in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear,
or favor. Unofficially, I advise that we erase the records and forget
the whole thing."
"I was hoping you would say that."
"It seems harsh, but there is a limit. Do we really want to make contact
with meat?"
"I agree one hundred percent. What's there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's
it going?' But will this work? How many planets are we dealing with
here?"
"Just one. They can travel to other planets in special meat containers,
but they can't live on them. And being meat, they only travel through C
space. Which limits them to the speed of light and makes the possibility
of their ever making contact pretty slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."
"So we just pretend there's no one home in the universe."
"That's it."
"Cruel. But you said it yourself, who wants to meet meat? And the ones
who have been aboard our vessels, the ones you have probed? You're sure
they won't remember?"
"They'll be considered crackpots if they do. We went into their heads
and smoothed out their meat so that we're just a dream to them."
"A dream to meat! How strangely appropriate, that we should be meat's
dream."
"And we can mark this sector unoccupied."
"Good. Agreed, officially and unofficially. Case closed. Any others?
Anyone interesting on that side of the galaxy?"
"Yes, a rather shy but sweet hydrogen core cluster intelligence in a
class nine star in G445 zone. Was in contact two galactic rotations ago,
wants to be friendly again."
"They always come around."
"And why not? Imagine how unbearably, how unutterably cold the universe
would be if one were all alone."