Just looked at my progress pics on my profile...

....and I am....at a loss for words....momentarily....
 
Okay...here are my thoughts:

This journey has been full of ups and downs.  Looking at the pics I am reminded of where I once was and where I NEVER EVER EVER want to be again.

Most days I am too hard on myself.  I always feel like I have failed because over the past few months---through the death of my brother, the falling apart of my family, and my relationships, and a lot of other really bad stuff that has happened to me in the past 6 months, along with the constant shuffle of my busy life---school, work, teaching Zumba, etc...I gave up on myself and I gained 30 pounds from May to December.  I am so mad at myself and I know that is NOT acceptable.   But, looking at the pictures just reminded me that I have come so far.  Even with extra weight on me I have still been successful with this journey.  I will get this weight off of me and I will figure out a way to start to accept myself and my body... One day at a time. 

I am so thankful for this new life that I have been given.  When I weighed ove 400 lbs, I didnt realize how miserable I was...in all facets of life.  Now, that I am a much healthier person---a person who was at my highest loss been 181lbs lighter (a place I WILL find again---SOON)...I am still working on figuring out who I am, who I want to be, what and who I want in my life...and what makes me happy.  While all at the same time....being so much more happy than I ever was. 

The mental and emotional part of this journey is SO much more difficult than the physical part...for me, at least.  it is safe to say....at the very least....I am completely screwed up emotionally, for many reasons.  I know that the emotional (and therefore mental) aspects are the aspects that I have to work hardest against...those are the aspects I fight deep every single day and I know I will have to continue to fight through those aspects every single day for the rest of my entire life.  What I have learned in this journey so far is that if I can face those battles, I can manage the physcial battle and be successful. I know that I still have a lot of work to do...I know that I will never be finished...and I am okay with that.

At the end of it all, I am reminded that I am constantly a work in progress...I have lost a massive amount of weight, become a very active & healthy person, found new happiness in many ways with myself...but all of that is just the begining.  I will be three years post op on April 8, 2012....and I am still just at the begining of my journey.  That, I am okay with.  Because I know if I ever just totally give up...if I ever just get comfortable with where I am at....if I ever choose to stop practicing all of the new behaviors I have learned...I will FAIL miserably and I will end up back where I started.  THAT is something I REFUSE to do....ever. 

Right now, I sit...feeling humbled and thankful....and forgiving of myself; that allows me a moment to feel proud....which is a great feeling. 

Okay, I think that's it for now.  just needed to get some things out of my heart and off of my mind.  Thanks for listening (well, okay...reading....but you know what I mean!).

Autumn your post was beautiful.  I have not doubt you will reach your goals.  You have been through a lot...more along this journey than many.  I wish you a 2012 that exceeds you deepest hopes and dreams.  Now I am going to your profile page to celebrate your success by looking at your photos.

Thank you.  I am hoping 2012 will be a much better year for me as well~! 

I need to add more current photos to my profile too.  I have many to add, but everytime I try I always have a difficult time getting them up on this site...for whatever reason. 

Thanks again for your kind words. 

 Very inspirational. I love this site because there are so many other people that are going through the same thing I am. Best of luck to you! 

I know...i have been wanting to post an emotional venting post on my blog...I am still thinking about it...but I am not sure if I am totally comfortable doing that.  I am able to post on here because I feel comfortable knowing that you all understand me...and what I am going thru.  it's a since of relief! 

Thank you! 

Just got some more recent pics posted.