overweight partner??

What a frustrating week-end. I am sure i am not the only one here that has an overweight partner that is trying to be supportive for our decision but frustration in their own challenges is making that tough. My partner of 2+ years is having a hard time with all of this, and i am at my wits end. When this began she was going to try and follow my diet (well, we know that's impossible for someone who did not have surgery) of course, that did not work. then it was going to be using accountability - portion control and moderation not deprivation. BUT - the reason we had this surgery was because we were losing that battle over and over again. fundamentally she knows i had surgery and therefore i am losing weight. we started out at the same weight pre-surgery - and now i am down about 50 lbs. she is about the same. i know how she feels getting dressed and the pants i planned to wear don't fit. i know how it feels to look in the mirror and see (and be) the fat girlfriend. as we were getting ready to go out she just broke down and sobbed and cried and it broke my heart - because i know how she feels. none of the things coming out of my mouth ever helped me to hear them either. i still find her beautiful and sexy no matter what - i love her just like she did for me. but damn, part of me feels guilty for doing this, and the other part wants to say - please, join me. we can do this together i will help you. but, surgery is a huge private decision and i can't make it for her. she knows what process i went thru and she was supportive all the way but now i feel like she resents me. i really am at a loss because i really do understand and nothing helped me either. it just makes me sad. anyone else have an overweight partner/husband/wife that has any sage wisdom or advice?

I think you can be supportive, and it sounds like you are, but maybe she needs to see a therapist to help her deal with her own issues.

My partner is overweight.  He does not have insurance so could not have WLS if he wanted to, but he has stated that he would not want surgery if it was an option for him.  He's seen what I've been through and he thinks it looks harder than he'd want to go through.  Lately he has been losing some weight, though.  He decided, on his own, to cut out the junk food for the most part.

I don't really know if he felt  jealous when I was losing a lot of weight.  If he dd, he didn't mention it to me.  He never seemed anything but happy for me.

Sounds to me like you are doing all you can do, and your partner has some issues that she has to come to terms with and work on independently. 

Be loving and supportive-but if her behavior is becoming self destructive, maybe you can offer to see someone with her to help work through it?

Sounds like you are both good for each other, she's just reached a point where she needs some outside help to get through a rough patch.

Wishing you the best on your journey.

My husband is overweight, and it bothers him lately too.  I made it worse by mentioning that it's time to register for the "Dam Run" -- he asked if I was going to walk.  And I had to say essentially not at your pace.  I've tried to be diplomatic, and I'm aware that I changed, not him. 

I am concerned about my hubby's health, which I feel is different to bring up.  Recently, he mentioned surgery, but I'd be shocked if he followed through. 

Counselling isn't a bad idea.  Open communication is a must.

Good luck,
Laura

My boyfriend is about 50 pounds overweight. He's loved me thin, fat, thin with floppy skin, and now thin with scars. He loves me for me. I feel the same way about him. When we met, he was thin. I bring up health issues since he has high blood pressure, but it has to be up to him to make the changes. This past weekend we went out to eat and he chose something healthy and promised me he would work on his health. I hope he continues to do so, but I know I can't "make" him. We are in our mid-40's and have known too many people our age who have dropped dead lately from heart related issues.

It sounds like you are doing all you can do. Maybe counseling would help.

Laura

My partner is could loose 50 pounds as well.  I am lucky cause he likes me however I look and tells me that all the time.  I find it more frustrating that he is always bringing things like pizza, chips, soda, basically all the foods I dont eat into the house.  We have talked about eating healthier but I know it can be a sensitive topic and not want to hurt his feelings.  I know before my surgery, I did not want to talk to anyone about that kind of stuff.

All you can do is be supportive, at the end of the day this is a issue that your partner has to work through. 

My husband of almost 40 years said he would go on my 2 week diet with me  yea sure , he has yet to have his first protein drink.
He is cooking for himself and I have noticed he is eating about double of what he would have eaten if I were cooking !!!
He says he would NEVER have surgery , although I think the sleeve would be great for him...BUT I am not in charge of his weight and health...he is. But I am scared that he will have more health issues than he does now!!
My son in law has about 150-200 to loose and he said if I would find out all the info for him , he would do the surgery, I told him it was up to him to do ALL the work himself, I am not in charge of anyone but myself.
I can understand how you would feel a bit guilty , to be excited about your weight loss and your partner feeling how you did 50 lbs ago. It is kinda like winning the lottery and still having friends who are having trouble paying their bill , although in that case you could do something about it , but it wouldn't be wise.
I think the therapy would help , maybe you could go and ask her to come with you??

 One wishes that empathy could create change, but it proves insufficient. It sounds like you have been very supportive but the way she feels about herself is mostly in her hands. Yes, keep reminding her how you still see her as attractive & love her; maybe start planting the seeds of considering therapy to help her work on self-esteem. I kinda did that with my husband: we went to a therapist together for a recent loss and I gradually bowed out so sessions could focus on his issues.It's very hard to watch someone you love suffer!  I wish you both much luck & happiness!

 My wife weighs more than me. I weighed more than her for years. For me having big boundaries about this stuff has been helpful. She is a vegetarian with severe arthritis. She has to take meds that would not work with Rny. She has lost 75 pounds since I have my Rny.
She eats a different diet than I do. My son eats a different diet than either of us. We kind of run a flop house around here.
Her weight is HERS.
I found it better to talk  endlessly about RNy stuff here. She didn't really wanna talk about vitamins or protein shakes. This is my place to ramble endlessly about Rnystuff.
I think the decision to have weight loss surgery is a very big and personnel thing. I would focus on your recovery.
Deb T.