Looking for some support

I have been reading the forums here for a few weeks as recommended by my surgeon.  So helpful.  Thanks to everyone for sharing your stories.  I am awaiting insurance approval.  I have completed the many many steps required by my bariatric center (not complaining, just saying, many many).  I have really had negative feelings about WLS for years, mostly due to the bad experiences of some people I knew and probably also because of my denial about how I needed it.  About two months ago I just had this incredible clarity about it and realized, this is what I need.  So I have been feeling incredibly serene and calm during the whole process.  I did all the steps and made some big lifestyle changes to get ready.

And then.  This week I had a huge day, therapy appt, beh mod class, pt, and dietician, along with an appt with the doctor who decided that I was a good candidate and could go ahead and request insurance clearance.  I don't know what happened but I felt so unsettled afterwards.  It was probably a combination of many things, my therapist was really challenging and confrontational and I thought she got some things wrong, the dietician shared the pre and post op diet which is a little scary, not so much because I can't eat but because it all seems so foreign and frightening and dangerous.  It also really really reminds me of all the insane diets I have been on and all the crazy thinking and obsessions around food I have had.  I also realized that losing the diet mentaility is so hard for me.  Going to the appt I knew I had lost weight and was "proud" to get on the scale knowing I had been "good".  This kind of thinking scares the crap out of me because I don't want to return to all that really unhealthy eating disordered kind of thinking.  But I have no idea how to do this without that.  So now I feel so unsettled and unsure and anxious.  I am trying to just breathe in and breathe out and remind myself of the reasons why I need this (years and years and years of dieting and watching my weight and losing and gaining hundreds and hundreds of pounds).  I know I am going on and on but I dont' have alot of people I can talk to about this and thought that folks here have been there and might be able to offer some support.  

Also, my blood work came back and showed that I am like the healthiest person on earth.  And since starting to exercise again I am feeling really good physically and I feel like, why am I having the surgery again?  Why can't I just be okay with being fat if I am healthy?  Ugh.  But, being so heavy is so painful to me emotionally and just because I am healthy now doesn't mean I will be in ten years or twenty years.  Right?  sorry for going on and on.  It just feels so good to share this somewhere.  

I am new to this whole forum thing so if I am putting this in the wrong place just tell me what to do!

Welcome! I don't have any advice, but I did want to welcome you and tell you that you are starting in the right place. The folks here are great. I haven't had my surgery yet ( waiting on insurance approval) but when  I have a question or concern, I turn here for advice. 

Congrats on your up coming surgery and again WELCOME!

 Welcome and this is the correct place for support and questions answered. 
While reading your post the first thing that came to mind was that today was the first time you really grasped the complexity of the surgery and the regemint and lifestyle changes that you will be making. It is a huge step! I know that you will most likely be really happy that you took this step but it does get overwhelming at times. My suggestion is to take things one step at a time. Right now focus only on your preop diet, review the post op but be vigiliant about the preop. The post op seems soo scary preop but everything changes post op, your cravings, desires, around food all change and it doesnt (or at least for me) feel like it is a huge sacrifice post op. Most surgerons plan have an 8 week time line to get back to normal food. Really you have dieted longer than that and 8 weeks is not a long time in the grand scheem of life. You can do it, take it one day at a time, seek support and you will make it through. the surgerons are used to dealing with anxiety and nerves about the procedure and they can help you, getting a personal counsouler may also be helpful. Some people swear that they would never have made it through the whole process without it. Its a whole new lifestyle, you can do it.

Oh thank you so much for responding so quickly.  I just talked to my husband and I feel even more unsettled.  So it is wonderful to hear from you.  I agree that some of the realities sunk in that day.  I am sure that was part of it.  My husband's big question was, if your blood work is great and you are active and fit and don't have any big health problems then why have it?  Just because you want to look a certain way because society expects it?  This is so tough for me.  I want to say, yeah, because I don't want to live in this body.  It is uncomfortable.  I can't buy clothes, and yes, others judge me.  I know that weight loss doesn't solve all those problems.  I know this because I have done it seemingly thousands of times, but slightly or even really overweight I can manage, this level of morbid obesity I can't.  I feel so vain for that.  But that is just the way it is.  And I do have some health problems, my body hurts, knees, hips, feet.  I read all the stuff that the HAES people have to say and just don't know how to square that with the decision to have WLS.  Does anyone else have these thoughts?  Thank you so much for being there!  I need this so much!

 I think that it would be okay to tell your husband that you are doing this for yourself as well as your family. You are doing it so that you feel better about yourself, and that your body feels more comfortable (pain decreases as weight decreases). I also think that you should explain that you may be healthy right now but being obese is like smoking one day it will catch up with you and when it does it can hit really hard. You simply want to be there for your family and actually enjoy life for a while (atleast that was me). I wanted to be able to be a good and active mother for my daughter.

 It's okay to be healthy and get this surgery. You don't have to wait until you develop all the comorbidity's of morbid obesity. Hypertension, diabetes, sleep apnea, decreased mobility.
As my doctor said once..you can be a healthy overweight 20 year old but come see me at 40 or 50.

Your feelings are normal. This IS a big step. It's easier to think about one thing at a time. I would recommend reading posts and asking questions. Things you might think are crazy unusual may be something that 10 others are thinking about today.

Good luck to you.
Deb T>

i can only speak for me ....that said my blood work is great too I have lived in this fat body long enough.  I waited  way too long to do this I am sure of that.  I want to walk without my feet hurting and my joints aching.  I want to do things that I haven't done in so long because I am MO.  I have no co morbidity's and why would I wait until they rear their ugly heads ....and have the surgery when I am less than up to par and older  this way I have an easier recovery.  This isn't just a dress size I want to live til I'm 100 and at this rate in this body I'll be lucky to see 65.  My grandmother was MO my aunts are all MO my father is MO.  So it's in my genes not to mention poor food choices and 6 pregnancies.  It is time to fix this ...I have been doing high protein and low carb since seeing the surgeon and I have lost 21lbs cut out all the things I shouldn't have ie: pop, ice tea, ice cream, anything fried, CHOCOLATE ....I have given it up for a better life ...this is a life style change and it is a big decision and not to be taken lightly.  I am having my surgery on 20Aug and the last week or so I have felt a little blue, and unsure, worried, butterflies swarming in my tummy but deep down I know this is my best chance at a better life and I'm going to do my best to make this work.  Research read and ask lots of questions ...I hope you find your answers and I wish you all the best whatever you decide.   Jenn                

It is really helping to hear your words of support.  One thing that is really hitting me is that being healthy and fit will probably only help me in the surgery.  The other thing that hit last night is that the really extreme post op diet that seems so unhealthy to me is very short term and designed for a very specific purpose.  I am not at all conecerned about having to give up food or not getting to eat, I know that the surgery changes your appetite and I have been on millions of extreme diets so I know that I can do that, it is that I don't want to be unhealthy.  But the hyper resistriction for a time is like a means to an end.  The thing that I definately want to change is the everyday agony of being so overweight.  I feel so uncomfortable in my own body.  I want to move differently and feel differently and yes, look differently.  I think I have to stop analyzing htat and just go with it.  I am feeling better, thanks everyone!

The restricted diet is only for a short time and the main reason for that diet is not  to lose weight but  to allow your new pouch to heal and the supplements and protein is what is going to keep you healthy along with your healthy stores in your body.  So long as you take your vitamins and stay hydrated and take in your protein you will continue to stay healthy.  Our bodies can survive on a lot less then we are accustom to consuming.  You have to ask yourself if you do this now while you are relatively healthy or do you wait until it hurts to move ,you become diabetic, high blood pressure, sleep apnea heart problems  and the list goes on.  This is a choice and not one to be made lightly.  If you think you can do this on your own without surgery all the power to you and I wish you only the best.  But if you have done the yo yo dieting and taken the weight off only to put it back on and then some like many of us have then it may require something more drastic and there is no shame in that and it isn't the easy way out it is going to be work and discipline.  This is by far the hardest decision of my life and as the years have gone by I have put on more weight not a lot but a few pounds here and there and there is no end in sight so this is my last chance and Iam taking it.  I have great fears of it not working but I have been told if I stick to the plan I will be successful and I have to believe that.  As we age it will only get harder and harder to lose weight and our metabolism slows down so for me I have to do it now before it's too late.  you need to read what are you eating today posts ....we have them daily on the Ontario board and I invite you to read them they eat very well extremely healthy and most are vets and they do it to stay accountable and when I start my pre- op diet I will post there too.  These posts also give you  ideas of what to eat when you are at a loss and is just another tool.  You just have to be sure is all ....you have to want it.  Make the right choice for you and only you can know what is beat for you and your family.                    

Hi there. I get where you are coming from.  Especially the thoughts and emotions that came after the initial consult wiht your surgeon, NUT, psych, etc.  When I did all of my pre-op testing last week, I was like, "Oh **** This is so real and so freaking serious. Am I doing the right thing?"  ... Just the pre-op stuff is making me really examine everything much more closely.  However, I think that's how it should be.  The more we realize how our lives will change and the more we educate ourselves, I think we have a better chance for making a long lasting, positive change.