a year later a lot has changed but a long way to go

I have been on several times but have not written in a long time. I am a little over a year out. I pretty much quit losing weight the first on Sept. I tried everything I knew to get my weight moving again. I was so frustrated and thought that I once again failed. Now that being said I have lost down to 230 lbs from 405 lbs. So I have come a long way and I am very thankful for that. But, until I get down into the 100's I feel like I have failed.

All that being said I have an appt. with a plastic surgeon today at 4:00 pm. I have a HUGE flap of skin and fat that hangs half way down to my knees. I feel like it probably weighs 30 lbs itself. I know it keeps me from being able to excersise to my fullest potential. I am excited and nerveous to meet him. I know I qualify for the surgery from an insurance point of view. The doctor himself may require more weightloss. I myself wanted to be at at least 200lbs before I had the surgery.  I started to cancell the appt, but I have been waiting for this surgery with as much anticipation as I had for the gastric by pass. I figure I can at least get the ball rolling towards the surgery while trying to loose as much weight as possible. I am really torn about the appt today because I just am not happy with the weight I am at. But if I have truly been trying to loose weight and have only been able to lose 10lbs since Sept 1st. This may be close to all I get. Maybe my body is just through. I have been fat my whole life. Every since I was a small, small child. Like almost birth. Maybe I am just geneticly inclined to be heavy. I do feel like if I had all my loose skin removed, not just my stomach. My legs, arms, and breast, even my back. I probably have 40 lbs maybe more. I have A LOT of excess skin. Like I said I have been fat my whole life. This skin has never been normal sized. It doesnt know how to shrink. Because of all this skin I feeel like I still look like I weigh about 350 lbs.

On a good note. I am physically about to do soooooo much more. We had a F0 tornado hit our house last month. Took down 4 huge trees, 1 hit our front porch 2 hit fences but alot of debris, everywhere. It could have been a lot worse. We had terrible roof damage. shingles were all over our yard. My husband just hurt his back really bad and could barely stand up let alone do any kind of work out side. God blessed us and a local church came and cut up and hauled off 90 %  of the major tree debris. The 10% that was left was little branches, pine cones, limbs, green tops, and of coarse the shingles. the cleared part of our yard is about an acre and a half.  The majority of the yard still had this small debris on it. It was 6 inches deep in some places. I got all of it cleaned up by myslef. 1 wheel barrel at a time. I racked, and picked up and carried 100 loads or more. Our yard is also scalloped. It is higher and works it way down in 3 tiers. I carried the wheel barrels up and down these sloppes over and over. Because of the weather it took about 2 weeks. The point is like my husband said, A year ago I would not have been able to do any of it. I could go on and on with what I am able to do physically. This makes me very happy. I love being able bodied.

I have come to the realization that I am almost 50 yrs. old and I even with weightloss and plastic surgery I am not going to ever be young and beautiful. That time is gone. I can be an attractrive older woman. But since I have always been extremely overweight I have always dreamed of being physically beautiful. That time is gone. I cant be 20 or 30 firm and fabulous. I will never be able to afford all the plastic surgery to correct the years of abuse I put my body through. That is okay though. If I can get this HUGE hanging mess off my legs so at least I look like a normal kinda heavy 50 year old, I will be happy. I never wanted to be 140 lbs. that is what the charts say a normal weight for me is. I would have such hanging skin over bone I would never come out of my house. I would probably look like I was 90 yrs old at 50 if I got down that low. I went from looking around 30 when I weighed 405 lbs a year ago, to every bit of my 48 yrs now. My cheeks sag and hang along with my neck and that is okay. My doctors goal and my goal is 175. I am 55 lbs from that but I swear I believe my stomach itself weighs 30 lbs or more. Physically I feel great. I am in a size 16 pants from a 32, 34. I can wear some large shirts depending on how its made but x large usually. That fits my frame or with of my shoulders most times. I can see my clavial bones just below my neck. I have never seen those before and I like it.

I dont know if you think I am happy or not. Sometimes I dont know either. I love how I feel most of the time. I am not happy with how I look at all. I still see at least a 350 lbs woman. Maybe if I get this HUGE panni off the front of me I can finally see a difference in my body. I do pick it up and pu**** over sometimes and cant believe how small my hips are. I am definetly a straighter build instead of pair shaped. The roundness of my flap gives me a curve I wont have when its gone. I wish I was at least down to 200 lbs. But I want to have my surgery in June so that gives me 4 more months to get more off.

I still follow all the rules. I might take a sip of something after eating but that is so rare. I mean I have to really need it.  I want to say I never do it, that isnt true though. I probably do it a couple times a month. Its just a sip though. I still eat protein first, drink nothing carbinated. Heck, all I drink is lemon water. I eat 3 times a day, a meat and veggies. Mostly about a cup of food at a time. Depending on the density of the food. the denser it is I eat less. I try to have a snack of nuts sometimes fruit at least once a day sometimes twice. Food means very little to me know. I eat to live not live to eat. I have been going to therapy since before Thanksgiving. So much is great, I just not where I want to be yet. Sorry this was so long If you read to the end Bless you for listening to my rambling. I will let you know what the surgeon says today. Thanks again.

I am hoping the best for you. I have my surgery later this month.

Congratulations on your loss. You've done really well, and you should be proud of yourself.

Take care and let us know how the plastic surgery consultation goes.

It sounds like you've done marvelous! Feeling healthy is very important, so it sounds like you're a success. You've come such a long way.

I hope you get your approval for ps. Stay positive! I will pray for you.

Keep up the good work and hang in there!! I hope the plastic surgeon will help you now so you can exercise more easily.

I am also in my late 40's. We've got a lot of living left to do!!

You are doing great!!!  Keep at it!!!!  Good luck with the plastic surgeon!! Let us know!!

 

I loved reading your story! Congratulations! I hope you get your surgery soon.

So much of your story resonated with me! I remember when you had your surgery and am so proud of your amazing progress! Kudos to you!!!

How'd your ps appointment go?

It was pretty good. He said I truely deserved to have the surgery. He has filed with the insurance for approval and feels I should have no problem due to the size of my apron. He thinks it will be 20 plus lbs . hard to tell he said. The only thing I was dissappointed with is I have a large roll or 2nd panni that hangs from below my waist. It is very large especially on the right side. I was hoing to have lipo or somthing to remove that at the same time so that my stomach would be more smooth but the Dr. feels that i need to keep it in tacked for the blood flow to the large wound or incision that i will have across my lower abdomin. He said fat was not a good condut for blood flow anyway and that since my remove was so large it is more serious and that wls patients did not tend to heal as well as non wls patients. The other thing is I had hoped for a thigh lift at the same time because my legs look like something off a syfy movie. Gross, gross, gross. I didnt even know till I lifted my stomach and saw them. It is so bad that i would NEVER, EVER were shorts or a bathing suite!!!!! But again Because of the healing issues and the fact that thigh lifts get infected easy just because of were they are and the infection would definetly spread to my large incision, its a no go on that. Unless God interviened in some way I will never have the money out of pocket to pay for any plastics outside of insurance coverage sooooo, I guess I will be happy with the removal of my arch enemy that huge panni that hangs hlf way to my knees. Att least I will have the appearance of a normal body full clothed and my husband is the only one that sees me naked!!. I relly didnt realize how ugly my body would be without clothes after losing so much weight. I have to focus on how great I feel and how much more I can live life now. But as you well know woman always want to be beautiful. I am almost 48 yrs old and I wanted to feelbeautiful at least for a moment once in my life. People have always told me that my beauty is within me and it radiates out so strong that nobady really paid attention to the way I looked. That might be true of the people who get to know me but not the people walking down the street. They stared at me and talked about me where I could see and laughed and poked fun. I would have loved to walked down the street once and had them look in appreciation, not dicussed. But, non the less, I feel great! I AM HEALTHY! And GOD willing I will live a longer and fuller life!! So news flash, this surgery cant make you 20 and look like a super model, (which I knew anyway) But it truely can give you a whole new life. A life you can live and not just sit in a chair and watch everyone else live life around you!!! Be a particpant, not an observer!! So it does perform miracles, if you look at it the right way. Glass half full, right? Thanks for asking Thanks for the encouragement!! And thanks for remembering me! You made me feel special!! God bless you!

I am very touched by both of your letters.  But I have a secret for you.  At 48 you are still a baby.  You have many years to reach your goal and once your panni is resolved you will have more energy to exercise and tone up your muscles.   Don't give up.   Good luck with your surgery.  Please let us know how it turns out.

I'm also sorry about the tornado, you are fortunate to still have a house.