Fearing Family Ridicule

Hi everybody.  First a little introduction.  I'm 33, in general good health (other than being obese), and looking to have gastric bypass.  I've had my first consult with the surgeon.  At this point I'm just waiting on final ok from the hospital financial department to set up the payment plan and we are good to go.  (I have no insurance and am self-paying for this).  Currently weigh 320 at 5'3'' so BMI of 57 :(  (goal weight is around 120-140).  I've tried every diet known to man, lost some, gained some, lost some more, gained some more.... ugh. 

Anyway, at this point I'm nervous but ready to take this risk and change my life.  I want and deserve to be happy.  I am healthy and want to stay healthy and live a long life for my 3 children and be the mother (and wife for my husband) that they deserve.  I never wanted to be a 'side-line' mom... always want to be in on all the fun and action, but finding I simply cannot at this size.  :'(

OK, my biggest issue is my family at this point.  My husband is 100% behind my decision and supports me on this, my children are too young to really 'get' it (they are 5, 6, and 8).  However, I'm afraid to even tell my parents and siblings (4 sisters) that I am even considering this, much less that I will be going through with it.  I've heard how my mother has talked about aquantences having the surgery and know her feelings on it in general.  She likely will not be supportive at all.  Of my 4 sisters I think 2 will figure it's my decision and won't think anything of it one way or the other.  However I know the other 2 will have a lot of things to say.  One being obese herself will likely ridicule me and be nasty as she isn't the nicest person to begin with and I'm thinking she won't like me losing weight leaving her as 'the fat one'.  I can understand that.  I'm sure she takes some comfort in knowing I am obese also, and more so than she is.  However, I cannot base my life decisions on her comfort and feelings... it's my life and have to do what is best for me and my family.  The other sister is tiny and has never had a weight problem.  She is one of those people who thinks she is 'fat' if she weighs more than 110 pounds.  :/  I've also heard her talk about a former friend having surgery and how she was just too 'lazy' to do it the right way and 'cheated' and took the 'easy' way out.  Now, I know this isn't easy and cheating and will require work and dedication on my part... however, they aren't going to see it that way.  No matter how much research or evidence I put in front of these people they'll never change their mind on what they think.  

So, at this point I'm considering just not telling them about it.  I don't live close enough where they are going to see me during the surgery or post-op until I decide I'm well enough.  As I loose the weight they'll likely make comments but I don't feel I will need to explain myself as to how or why I'm losing.  But, at the same time I'm not going to lie and if they were to ask afterwards I'd likely tell them straight out I had the surgery and that's that.  

I guess what I am asking is, has anyone or would anyone consider kind of 'keeping  it secret'?  My husband thinks it'd be best also to just not tell anybody until maybe afterwards, but he thinks even then there is no need for them to really know.  Basically his thought is just tell them I'm having gall bladder surgery or something so they know I'm having a surgery, but not what it is.  I know this is a major operation and has risks.  I don't know.  I'd hate for something to go wrong and then they'd blame my husband for the secrets.  Thinking maybe I could, as a precaution, write a note to my family saying it was my decision to keep it secret and he was respecting that?  I likely wouldn't need that, but just as a 'maybe' and 'what if'?  Sorry, I'm a very nervous/anxious person so always thinking of the worst case scenario and the 'just in case'.  

This is coming up because I was told financing should be figured by the end of the week and since I am self pay my surgeon is saying things will happen very quickly after the approval comes through... so likely surgery by the new year.

I think you should do whatever you think is best for you.  I would keep in mind the fact that if they find out later, they may be mad that you didn't tell them sooner.  That doesn't mean you should tell them sooner, but just keep it in mind.  Also, if you tell some people, they may tell others that you don't want to know.  So keep that in mind, too.

I also would try very hard not to care too much what they think.  How ridiculous is it to ridicule someone for having a potentially life-saving surgery?  If you had lots of gall stones, would they ridicule you for having your gall bladder removed?   That would be stupid, wouldn't it?

   Congratulations on making the life change.I hate to say this but listen to your husband.He knows you and he knows what your family can do to you.I have not told my family about my surgery and that was almost five weeks ago.If they are not going to be supportive then don't tell them.I have not seen my parents since July and it is so much healthier for me not to tell them.I feel like sometimes I need to talk about it and I will tell someone that I know and I wished I didn't.The stories that I hear about people who have gained the weight back and other horrible things is just not worth telling people.I decided I am going to tell people I am finally taking care of myself and watching what I am eating.So it's not lying. We just went to a family get together on my husbands side and I was surprised how people push food on you and alcohol. 

Most people, when they figure it out (and they usually do), will view it as a lie... Because it is.  You are not losing tons of weight very quickly because you are watching what you a eating; you are losing it because you had surgery.

have you considered just telling people that you are working with medical professionals and prefer not to discuss the matter?  At least that isn't a lie.

You are, of course, free to do as you wish, and do what you feel is best.  Just be aware that you may end up suffering some consequences because the people to whom you are giving this lie of omission may hold it against you.  It may become an issue in the workplace if they view you as dishonest.  

Lora

I don't think telling them you are taking care of yourself is a lie.

No, but telling them you are losing massive amounts of weight just by watching what you are eating IS.  You can call it anything you want in YOUR mind.  My point is that OTHERS are going to view it as a lie and there many be consequences.

Lora

i think you do what is best for you and let them worry what is best for them. If you are close to your family, I would tell them. If they have something to say about it, tell them your mind is made up and they can either support you or keep their opinions to themselves. They may surprise you. 

I would go with the not telling them.

My wife decided to tell her mom and her mom is being very difficult about it.  She keeps telling my wife about risks (and she has no idea of the real numbers, she is using stuff from 30 yrs ago), and that she can back out, and not go through with it.  She is not ridiculing her, but is being difficult.

Just wait till later and then afterwards, decide what you are willing to tell them.

Best of luck.