Leaving Others Behind Question

Thanks. We just hit 33. Shes a good one.

I'm looking forward to our life without the kid in the house. 2 more years and mine will go and not look back. He never has.

So many of us here are at the age the kids are leaving or getting there soon. It's one of those wonderful/awful adventures we get to have. Rny is the same way. Lifetime fun!

I've enjoyed watching yours grow up.

And yes she's very lucky to have me!

As I was reading your post and reading the responses, I was thinking about how these first few years that I am in as well, are such a huge transition. And transitions take time, and we need to give those around us time as well.

I managed to raise a thin athletic son who married a thin athletic wife, but they work at it and make a point of being active and eating well. While I never felt my son judged me for being morbidly obese, once he became an adult they were the conversations of --mom I'm concerned about you and your health. Once I had the surgery, and started losing the weight, he never talked about it, he barely knowledged it. My DIL would. Last December, when I was at his house visiting, after 2 1/2 years he said to me-- mom it seems like you're trying to eat healthier. Part of me wanted to burst out laughing. You just noticed now? transition. It takes time for us and it takes time for them. I know my son loves me, and I love my son but I can't force him to go faster than he is ready.

You are all navigating new waters here, and you need time to figure out the flow.

As far as friends go, it's been interesting i've been thinking about it lately, and while I have a few very close friends that have been supportive, there's sort of that larger group of people, that I thought were friends, that I've known for 15-20 years, and I realize they are really not more than just acquaintances. And then there's been other people who are really just acquaintances who have shown up to help me in times of need.

Just sharing a little bit of my experience, and hopefully something might speak to you.

Much "food" for thought here. DH has always been thin and eats that way (stops when not hungry anymore, no snacks, mostly healthy foods) and our relationship has changed the last few years because of his early Alzheimer's, not my WLS.

However, my youngest DD is obese and I know she is uncomfortable around me now. I try not to be judgy but I would guess I have a certain look when she empties the bread basket at the restaurant and asks for more. I think she avoids visiting partially because of the awkwardness between us right now. Hopefully this will smooth out over time. Of course I keep hoping she will do something about her weight (wanted that for her before my WLS too).

Thank you for being so honest and open about your journey. It helps me to see there are good and not-so-good life changes with WLS. Checks and balances, so to speak. I know you will work it out!

I can relate to this. My DH has severe back issues and cannot do the things I can do not athletically. He told me this morning that he sometimes wishes I never had the surgery because of the complications I've been having and not being able to eat 'normally'. I told him I really didn't have a response to that but that I am the healthiest I have ever been in my entire life, and that is factoring in the issues I have faced (ulcer, GB removed, potential liver issues, and pooping issues).

I realize now that we do not have to spend every second together and it is OK to have separate interests. It doesn't mean that your marriage is failing. My thoughts are: Every second of every day you change as a person. There are adjustments to be made to continue to connect. Your DH is also changing you are not the only party in the relationship that changes.

I also try very hard to make other friends because family and friends do get sick of hearing about weight loss but it is en-grained into your brain to eat a certain way. I'm sure when I eat my DH is self conscious about it and my family. I have even seen him eat not in my view in the kitchen 'inappropriate' things and I never want him to feel like he is 'hiding' eating. It isn't the right environment that we both need and is self destructive behavior to me.

When I had these last ER visits and they still don't know what is wrong with me, my mom finally told me that she felt I was too thin and she was concerned. she has not mentioned this to me before but I reassured her that I'm not underweight and the Dr is not concerned so she shouldn't be either. she thinks I should weight 140. My DH thinks I should weight 135. I'm completely happy with my weight at 118 and will want to long term keep this at 125 or below.

I really don't have any true answers but being a strong woman is possible at any size not just because you were heavy. Perhaps there were qualities that you have lost or appear to be missing that they are seeing the difference in. I would think that you are MORE strong now than ever both mentally and physically.

I also would have nightmares that I would wake up morbidly obese. I had to talk through that with the counselor and that anxiety/nightmares have gone away. Now it is just the struggle to graze and eat all the time that I am working through.

anyway just my ramblings.

Yeap. I wish we could sit and have coffee and nod our heads with each other. You sound lots like me. It is a journey right?

I just hope they get your issues sorted out soon.

~E

I haven't read all the comments yet,,,but I feel some of this. My oldest child (20) and my husband are both overweight. My daughter started putting on weight as a teenager but she especially gained a lot her first two years in college. It kills me. I know it's my own baggage, seeing myself in her, but I also know she is depressed and upset about it and that hurts to see. I want so badly for her to be able to lose weight. And, she is so beautiful and so awesome. And I see her interested in a guy from time to time that won't give her the time of day, and that hurts to see too. I know she has some mixed feelings about my weight loss from little comments she makes. And I am frustrated when I see her getting a big plate of second helpings at dinner, and then turn around and snack a couple of hours later. I admit I feel judgmental thoughts well up sometimes, just being honest. I practically chew my tongue off not saying anything. But I don't give any advice unless it is asked for. Because who am I to give it? If not for this surgery I would be doing the exact same thing. Hell, I *still* do the exact same thing sometimes, eat things I have no business eating, etc. The fat girl in my head lives on as strong as ever.

My husband is 11 years older than I am. This mattered not at all when I was 25 and he was 36, but there are more differences now, and they are more pronounced than ever now that I have lost significant weight. I can run circles around him, energy-wise, and I worry about his health too. We talk of traveling and things we want to do when the kids are grown, and I wonder if he will be well enough to do these things.

The truth is, we have set up a pretty darn unhealthy lifestyle for ourselves (in my family, I'm saying, not yours.) I helped tremendously in doing that. We have eaten too much crap, we are too sedentary, and we have very unhealthy attitudes towards food. I may have lost weight (still losing, I have not arrived!), but my legacy lives on, sigh. I feel a lot of guilt over that, especially where my daughter is concerned. She is an adult now though. I can't do this for her. I certainly can't do it for my husband either. I am trying hard to make changes for my younger kids. Right now my daughter and my husband want to eat low carb, so I am fixing three meals a day for them to make it easier since I am a stay at home mom and they both work full time. But then I see fast food trash in someone's car or see them eat more than enough food at dinner and complain they are still hungry. It's hard.

Maybe your kids and hubby just need to be reassured that you still love them...even though they probably know you do they may just be feeling insecure. Change is hard for everyone, even positive changes like extreme weight loss.

Your girls will come to see that you are still confident and powerful, no matter the size. My Mom is 5'2 and weighs about 130 Lbs soaking wet and she's a force of nature, lol...like a hurricane, so size doesn't matter when it comes to that.

I know you want them to be healthier, but you know from personal experience, if you're anything like me, that you can't do it for them or force them to change before they are ready, no more than any one could force us to change before we were ready to do it for ourselves.

When I was bigger (5 and a half short months ago) I felt judged all of the time. I felt like people judged every thing that I put into my mouth and I felt like my failures couldn't be hidden because i was basically wearing them. I don't know if I really was being judged or just felt that way, but the feelings were real, and uncomfortable, and weirdly, just made me eat more to comfort myself.

I think a lot of big people must feel this way. Eating in public was hard so I became an "alone" eater because it was the only time I could eat and enjoy my food without feeling shame...until the food was gone and then I piled on the shame myself. I don't think I was alone in that; I think a lot of big people feel the same way. Surgery is a last resort for many of us, a last hope...at least, it was in my case. Some people (lots of people) are smarter than I am and don't wait 50 odd years to change, lol.

When we finally decide to have surgery, we lose so much weight so quickly with our new tools, it's wonderful and we want to share it with our family and friends so they can feel as wonderful as we now do...but they aren't there yet. We KNOW how good it feels to carry so much less weight, so we want everyone to experience it too, but they don't know; they have no idea how drastically life can change.

They have to follow their own path just like we have to follow ours.

It makes it hard when our previous relationships revolved around food because our previous lives revolved around food. We just have to find new ways to connect with our loved ones.

I'm sorry this wasn't much help, just my take on things.

Finding new ways to connect... yes. I think that is the key.

Your post made me think about where my judgmental thoughts come from and honestly they are the same negative self talk things I always have believed people were saying about me in my mind. I think I am still working through my own self esteem. Interesting. I will ponder that a while.