Leaving Others Behind Question

One thing I never realized I would face after WLS and losing weight is feeling like I have left friends, spouse, and family 'behind' in some way.

My daughters are built heavy, they are ages 19 and 20. They both have expressed that they feel as though I have left them behind. One said, "Mom, you used to be this big powerful woman that was confident and we looked up to you..now you aren't that anymore and I feel like you left us here with no one to look up to."

My spouse feels awkward and self conscious about his weight now. We used to enjoy celebrating things with a fancy cake or delivery cookies to each other instead of flowers. Now he says he feels "bigger than ever in my life" and is often reluctant to engage romantically.

My best friend hardly calls anymore. She is a bigger woman and she has said, "I'm happy for you but honestly I see you and it makes me feel ashamed. It is hard."

I get that I can only work on my own journey, not theirs. Here's the terrible part...I honestly I don't know that I am even worried about it anymore.

Right after WLS I would fret about these connections changing. I would stress and cry and have nightmares. Now... I am pretty OK with it. I find that I am shifting farther and farther from the people I once was closest to and now I am stressing that I am not stressing about this.

My daughters and I are finding new ways to connect but it has changed our relationship. They are also growing up now. They are both out of the house. One is home from college for part of the summer but in general they are transitioning to adulthood. I feel the change is mostly driven by that now. I lost a bunch of weight, I am different now, but kids are quick adapters and they seem to be moved on to their own lives and future paths. My and my jean size is "so last year" now to them.

My Guy and I are working through it... I think... but I do feel kind of judgmental sometimes. I do see him eating and think, "Geez, how about 'no' to the second or third taco." When he complains about his weight I feel like telling him "Do something about it if it bothers you." I feel like I am striving and moving forward and he is spinning his wheels and not growing with me. I want to go for a hike, he is upset we aren't caught up on his favorite TV shows. I spend tons of time and energy meal planning, debating nutritional goals, reading about fitness and I share very little of that with him now because he is just not interested. We have never had separate interests like this before. We are drifting.

I worry almost not at all about my friend and others like her that don't spend time with me anymore. I feel I have grown and moved on. If you aren't along for the ride that's just going to have to be OK. I am working on making new friends. Working on finding new connections. I feel lonely much more often than before.

Any of you find you are having similar things going on? Is this why divorce after WLS is so common? Is this just part of the process? In some ways I feel like this is the Genie curse part of WLS... I got everything I wished for but didn't see some of the consequences that would come of that.

~Elizabeth

You are at the true honeymoon stage of your journey. Malabsorption is still working, restriction is great and maintaining is effortless.

It is easy to forget when a 2nd taco sounded good. It is like you are running a race in a turbo-charged muscle car and everyone else is on foot and trying to keep up.

At 30 months I had some regain and friends and relatives were delighted to point that out to me. I truly don't judge what others weigh or eat:

I am lucky enough to have this surgery that makes it easy for me.

i feel compassion for those who don't have my opportunity.

I am? It is? Wow... I thought I worked my tool everyday, counted intake, prepped meals, weighed morning and night, and generally busted butt to lose this weight and to maintain the loss. I haven't had 'restriction' per se in at least six months. Even if I didn't have 'room' for a taco right now...I could always wait half an hour and eat again. A second taco does sound nom nom nom. I have to decide what to eat every minute of every day. None of this feels effortless.

I try not to judge people in general but my Guy is sort of in a different category because we are intentionally entwined. I actually am wildly in love with him so I care deeply about his well being and his health. Being judgy-mcjudgerson is not a pretty expression of that I know...but it is there.

It is good that you find it so easy to have unbroken grace and compassion for all your fellow man. I am not nearly so perfect.

~Elizabeth

White Dove speaks the truth. It might not fit your narrative, but she wasn't being an ass.

This is why you're not a vet until you've lived at least five years of this life. There are definite journey phases and you are in the honeymoon one. Not eating that second taco won't ever be as easy as it is now.

Enjoy it, just don't burn bridges along your journey, here or at home.

Absolutely. The first three years were smooth and easy, and it was easy to think I had this whole obesity thing handled. Then reality hit with a thud. I will always be obese in my head, whether or not my body is in remission.

And anyone who has ever left me has left me for being a jackass, not because of my fat ass.

>> It is good that you find it so easy to have unbroken grace and compassion for all your fellow man. I am not nearly so perfect.

Unwarranted sarcasm is an even better way to push people away than losing weight.

This is an interesting post. I don't have children, so I can't relate to the part about your daughters. It sounds like you say, they are growing up and moving on with their own lives.

Regarding your husband, you both have choices--he can either adapt and move with you or you can stagnate on the couch with him. Likely there is some compromise in between, but it sounds like the changes you made in your life are making him take a look at his current setup and he's not liking what he's seeing.

My husband and I went through a bit of this. He's always been heavier than he wanted to be, but when we were both fat and inactive, it didn't really bother him too much. I had surgery, lost a bunch of weight and while I'm not out there running marathons, I do enjoy a bit more activity than I have in the past. Sometime last year he lamented that he didn't like how out of shape and heavy he was and I was pretty blunt with him and said he could either do something about it or stay fat.

I think going on vacation last year to the UK really brought it home for him. We were walking several miles ever single day and it was like night and day with me. I was at my highest weight when we went on a cruise to Bermuda and were docked there for three days. We spent two days just kind of wandering around and I was exhausted on the third day. In the UK, we walked 10 miles one day and I was ready for more the next. That really triggered a change in him and he started walking every day and lowering his intake. He's now under 200 lbs for the first time since I've known him.

He feels a lot better about himself and shows no signs of stopping and I'm incredibly proud of him.

I'm pretty fortunate in that my husband is a pretty secure man *****alizes that I'm a person separate from him and doesn't demand that I do everything in lock step with him. He doesn't like to ride a bike and I do, so he had no problem with me going on an REI bike ride with a male coworker. I'm able to cultivate and pursue interests outside of him which is fantastic. I hope you have a similar freedom because being lonely while married sucks.

I also hope you realize that none of this is your fault. You can't make people feel a certain way--they do that themselves. It was likely that your husband already felt he could be taking control of his weight, but why do it if you were fat too? Now you've made an amazing, successful effort and he's still there on the couch and he sees you pulling away and exploring new things and all he can do is pull back because he's afraid to go forward. All you can do is not allow him to hold you back and encourage him to get moving forward with you--he'll be the one to choose whether he does or not.

Thanks for sharing this post and good luck going forward. :D

Jen

I know my Guy encourages me and is supportive of things I do separate from him. It is just weird because it is a big change. We have always been that couple that is attached at the hip. I suppose I need to adapt to the new norm just like he is adapting.

All the best to you too!

~Elizabeth

It's hard when you're in a situation where you've always done everything with the same person. I remember back when I was on a "eat only our food" diet plan--I suddenly wasn't seeing as much of some of my friends anymore because all we did was eat. And there I was suddenly pulling out my little entrees or not eating anything--something I was fine with, but they weren't.

It also makes me think of me and my BFF when we were teenagers. We were the girls that would literally spend all day together and then spend all night on the phone. We never managed to have boyfriends at the same time, so there was a lot of hurt feelings on the side of the person that didn't have a boyfriend when the BFF was suddenly not around so much. And of course at that age one doesn't think, "She's still my BFF and I need a goddamned hobby." :D

Jen

Yes! I remember having a friend like that in high school. My Guy and I are like that normally. I think I need a combination of :get a hobby" and simply keeping him as my priority. Good analogy!