HELP!!!!

I cheated on my husband about a week ago and he is so hurt.  i told him the truth but he just wants to know more and more.  i love him and honestly could not tell you why i did it.  nor will i ever do it again.  i feel like **** for it happening.  i know he wrote on here but it has to go to a moderator first.  anyone been through this and what can we do?  we love each other and are trying to work it out.  this all came out on sat.  i told him about it and didnt want him hurt but new he would be.  my brother found out that i was cheating (one time) and he was going to black mail me so i told tom dh before he could hear it from my brother.  they hate each other.  we are going to go to counceling but right now my poor dh is just an emotional wreck and i dont know what to do.  someone please help us.


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I really wish someone would reply.  I am Britt's husband and I am hurting so much from this.  All I want is some guidance, some advice...to know someone who's gone through this too.

Maybe it doesn't make sense, buy I still love my wife so much...even though it seems she's finished loving me.  If there's any chance we could have our life back I want to know.  For our daughter, and for us. 

I've tried so hard to support everything my wife has gone through.  And I've tried so hard to make her feel beautiful.  She's always been gorgeous in my eyes, and she's even more attractive now.

I hate that she thought she needed someone else to assure her of it, and I hate the idea that there are millions of men that could tell her how sexy she's looking.  But do any of the compliments even matter when there's just one man who can love her like no other?

It really is better when the secret is kept- once it is out their will always be trust issues and usually is the person who cheated who ends up wanting to leave because they become frustrated with not being trusted all the time. A good book you might want to check out is by Mira Kirshenbaum
Too Good to leave too bad to stay. Hope mabye that will help (:

Oh and I forgot to add-- you should kick your brothers ass for even suggesting blackmail- what an ass to do that!

The thought that trust would not be fully restored for a long time/ever makes for a valid point in how hard it would be for the cheater to live their life.

But would keeping the secret make things easier?  Forever swallowing the guilt?

And depending on the kind of person the cheater is, don't you think if they kept it quiet and "got away with it"--as in nobody ever knew--it would potentially tempt them to cheat again?

There are a lot of things people do multiple times ONLY because they didn't get caught the first time...

I myself made a mistake similar to your wifes before I got married to my current husband and I totally regreted it- I have never and do not plan on ever doing it again. I never told him because I knew it would only hurt him and relieving my guilt would have been selfish. Only she knows if she truly regrets it- the majority of women are not "chronic" cheaters like many men are, most of us cheat for totally different reasons and we learn to prevent that stuff from occuring again in our relationships. But of course this is just my opinion. You have to decide if you can let the past stay in the past and move forward- if you do you must be willing to put your trust in her again and not jump to conclusions every time she goes out. It can be a hard thing to do. Good Luck to you- for your childs benefit I hope you can work it out.

I cheated on my partner in the 5th year of our relationship. Really bad cheat deal and emotionally abusive from me and from the man I slept with. Bless my partner. She accepted me back and we have had a solid, loving relationship for 20 more years. It doesn't go away, but it becomes part of the tapestry you have woven together. It has made our relationship stronger, but it was work, and there are echos when we deal with my upcoming WLS. I could never have kept it from my partner and then felt worthy of her love.

Healing energy going out to you.

Couples therapy is the answer if you want to work out your relationship. 

My husband had weight loss surgery in 2006 and looks awesome.  about a year ago he began a training program with mostly women to work on his LCSW and his MFT licensures.  THere was a woman there that pursued him.  This was the first time in a long time that a woman openly pursued him so of course he felt good, however, had problems processing his feelings about it.  This went on for about a month - my instincts told me there was something but I waited till he talked to me about it. 
We ended up going to couples therapy.  He never slept with her, he talked to me first.  Of course he kept telling me that nothing would ever happen between the two of them because he loves me and yes, I know he loves me more than anything.  However, this woman was a huntress and wasn't about to take her claws out of him willingly. 
He also knows that if he ever cheated on me all my trust would be gone for him and he didn't want to sacrifice that.  I've been married to a cheater who was also an abuser so I was not going back to that life.  Present husband knew that. 
Therapy, talking, crying, listening, to each other got us through this.  He's hot now that he's lost all his weight.  I've always seen him as being hot, we met when he was over 300 pounds and I fell in love with him, he's a gentle loving man who is not a cheater.  could never be a cheater becuse he rats himself out :-)
Our marriage is back on track.  THe woman still sends emails however he never answers any of them but tells me when they arrive and we delete them together. 
If you love each other and want to save your marriage - go to couples therapy and work on your relationship. 
God Bless

FIrst of all, I am so sorry to hear what you both are going through.

About 2 years ago, I found an old high school boyfriend on myspace-To make a long story short, I ended up having an online/emotional affair of sorts. Not  your run of the mill sexual affair, but it brought up the same issuse of betrayal, and lack of trust and pain. Just as much as if I had actually had sex with him. That almost broke up up our marriage.

It has been 2 years, and things are JUST now looking like we may make it.  We didn't attend any counseling, but I wish we would have. An incident like yours or mine, just seems to yank the scab off of all the other issues in a marriage that we lurking prior to any infidelity.

But all I can tell you is that there IS hope-as long as both of you want to stay together. There is life after affairs, but it will never be the same.  You just need to get through this and re-establish the relationship.

All I can offer is try not to heal or move on too quickly. Give yourselves time to be angry, time to cry, time to curse, time to be alone, time to receive more  than your fair share of attention and time to be critcized. Drop all of your defenses and ego-

Start re-establishing your relationship as you are now. Find a new hobby, set up a required date night. After the hurt wears off, you guys need to be a couple.

Good luck and well wishes,,, I know how bad you both hurt.

I don't know if this will help, perhaps in some of the understanding of how it happend.  I can tell you about 12yrs ago, when PhenPhen was the thing.  I lost 135 lbs.  Previous to that no one ever paid attention to me, no on looked, I didnt get dates etc.  When I lost all the weight, everyone paid attention and it felt so good to just be noticed.  I cheated on my boyfriend whom I too loved very much, I would not do it again.  But after long deep search into myself.  I KNOW that the only reason it happend was only because I had all of a sudden the attention of someone, and for once it felt sooo good to know that I was actually appealing and wanted.  I made a mistake and went to far with that feeling and cheated.  It had absolutely nothing to do with how I felt about my boyfriend or how much I loved him, it was just filling a gap that I didnt know existed until someone showed me that little bit I had missed for so long.  TO go from being fat and unnoticed to being wanted is a whole new experience. Needless to say, I am marreid now, not to the same man, and I gained all the weight back and am now on my way to and RNY 10/20. The one thing that I am thankful for is that I have been there done that with the weight loss and knowing how it can affect ur emotions so I wont be repeating that mistake.