Helping my partner

I want to beable to help my partner in the best way I can as she moves towards making her journey to "the other side". We have done alot of research together. What suggestions could you give me to help her? What do you feel is the most important way to show my support?

My spouse was my greatest source of support just simply by being there for me. He helped me to raise the funds, make all of the arrangements right down to childcare, went with me to every appointment and stayed with me before surgery. He was still sitting there waiting for me to wake up when I came out of surgery. He helped me afterwards by doing the dressing changes and helping me to put the binder on. At home, he did everything he could around the house so I wouldn't strain myself and made sure my body got the rest it needed. He is so incredibly supportive through ALL of this, he even makes special trips to the store to get the vitamins and desired food that I need. Anyone who has such a supportive partner should be so very grateful. Good luck to your partner and you!

I, too, want to be supportive in every way I can, and I hope that I have been. It has really been an emotional rollercoaster for the both of us, but I continue to make myself available to help in any way I can. My husband had the surgery on 1/23/04, and so far has lost about 60 lbs. So I think one of the most supportive things a spouse or mate can do is make sure that he or she is getting in all of the protein and fluids that is needed on a daily basis. Along with that, make sure that your mate is getting in enough calorie intake, which is also important. Other than that, just be there for the bad days as well as the good ones. You will both be better off in the long run when the biggest of the suffering is over.

After a little over two years after the surgery, I think the most important piece of advice I can give is this: ask the person who had the surgery if you can be part of the process of keeping track of the ESSENTIALS of post-op and longterm care. I say this because it is something, I believe, that involves BOTH of you, in the sense that you love each other enough to go through it together, and at many points, you need both of you to get through it. Simply, the "postie" may feel that it is all "their business" and, in fact, not be doing very important things like taking iron, getting dexascans or whatever test your doctor orders to check bone density, drinking water to guard the overworked kidneys that are so because of the surgery, etc. Finally, this whole issue only comes up because you love your spouse and should not have to lose him/her sooner or even watch him/her suffer with NEEDLESS problems, due to lack of following directions, if you will. I feel this is a time that a spouse should, at the least, be able to speak up and express their not wanting to lose their spouse and know that the "postie" is involved in proper follow-up care and has a doctor or nurse who will give the fundamental information, as many people have no clue as to even what questions to ASK, let alone that this is a big change of life. Well, enough out of me. I appreciate any input and responses. Signed, Crazy in love with my husband and very happy together. Want to stay that way. Katy

Katy, I couldn't have said it better myself. The fact that your spouse has to acknowledge the fact that you are going through every part of it with him/her shows the love that is there between the both of you. It strengthens the bond and takes your relationship to another level. Glad to see that someone feels exactly the way I do when it comes to my better half.

I am the one who is considering the surgery and I feel that my partner does not want me to have it. In fact, she has said so. She feels that altering your body "forever" is a bad choice. What I would like from her is for her to understand that if I thought there was any other way, I would not even be considering surgery. I am terrified of what my life will be like after the surgey but I know I hate the way it is now too. I would suggest that you try to alleviate her fears if she has any and that you try to take care of the little things. Cut her some slack if she bites your head off for no reason. Let her cry without having to explain anything. Lower your expectations a bit while she deals with some things...I guess most of this is based on things i need right now so in retrospect, they may not be very helpful to you blessed be Elizabeth

Everyone is different, but here are a few things that I experienced and how I felt about them: 1) I was sick to my stomach in the hospital. Having someone hold my hand and wipe my face with a damp cloth was comforting. 2) My smeller was on steroids after surgery. Food smells really bugged me. Ask your partner when you have a food situation what would make it easier for her? Don't go to the movies and get a huge bag of popcorn and eat it in front of her when she's 3 weeks post op for example. 3) Take your partner for frequent walks. It will be good for you and great for her. There really is nothing more romantic then taking a suset walk or a sunrise walk or both. 4) Keep up the heavy cleaning the first 6 weeks because she can't do things like vacuum, mop, clean the pool etc. 5) Put together a list of recipies for whatever stage your partner is at ie. pureed, soft etc. It's hard early on to figure out what to eat. 6) Ask your partner how she would like to handle weigh-ins: go to weigh****chers, you and she do it once a week, etc. and then plan mini-celebrations to celebrate the weight loss: pedicure, new outfit etc. 7) When your partner feels down or discouraged let her express those feelings without judgement. You don't have to fix them, they are just part of the journey. 8) Use your partner's WLS journey as a time for you to fine tune your healthy living program. Quit smoking, start exercising, cut down on bad carbs and fat etc, If you are making changes too, it will feel more like a shared journey toward health. A gift you are giving each other out of love. 9) Keep active. Those of us who have been morbidly obese have restricted our activities over the years because of fatigue or an inability to do the activity. Now is the time to add more and more fun activities to your repitorie of liesure activities: golf, bowl, team sports, learn to scuba dive, take yoga, etc. 10) When your partner gets crabby as she most certainly will use some humor to deflect the irritability. In time Irritable By-Pass Syndrome will pass, trust me. Good Luck to you Chris