bhern
Greiving
Apr 13, 2014
I decided to write this post for myself and not anyone else really, so that one day I can look back and see how far I've come.
My mother passed away on October 27, 2013 from a long battle with COPD. I watched her slowly decline but never giving up her fight. It was sad to see someone I loved so dearly suffer with something as simple as breathing, on a daily basis. My mom and I were really close. We worked together for 10 years in the business she started and owned, a home health agency. When we weren't working long hours together, I was at her house for cookouts, pool parties or just to enjoy a cup of coffee or watch a movie with her. She loved to go shopping too. She would call me up on Saturday mornings and say when are you coming? I'd say I'm on my way mom. I miss my mom so much but at the same time, I'm happy she's not suffering any more.
After mom died, our family pulled together more than ever. My dad was having a really hard time without mom around. We spent many a nights in the garage talking about her and crying and hugging. Christmas was especially hard cause that was moms favorite holiday. She went all out. From the decorations to the Christmas feast. I tried my best to duplicate my moms traditions. I cooked the entire dinner by myself. I hope I made mom proud. It was just a few of us there with my dad (my husband and kids, my sister Destiny and her baby) we knew that mom's spirit was there too. We got through the holidays somehow and had started helping dad to pack and get moved into his new house. With mom gone he could no longer stay in the big house nor afford the 3K house payment. Dad needed me for something almost every day, like paying the bills because he didn't know how to write a check or take him to the grocery store. Then in January he got sick with pneumonia and was in the hospital for a week. He finally came home and we continued the packing vowing to finish by February 15th.
I was scheduled to have surgery on January 21st, but thought about postponing it due to all that we had been through, but my dad said, you're going to finish what you started. So, I had my second stage of the DS. Everything went great and I was back home in 5 days. That next Friday night he called me crying and said I need you, can you come? I didn't hesitate and jumped in the car. He just needed someone to listen and a shoulder to cry on. I was finding it hard to focus on myself with everything going on. I was trying to be strong for my dad and run my moms business, but now I felt like I was neglecting my own family. I tried to balance it all, while trying to get my protein in, take my vites, drink my water and exercise.
My dad, like my mom, also had breathing problems. I don't think he ever quite got over the pneumonia because he was still having difficulties breathing and was taking a lot of breathing treatments everyday. That Saturday I went over to his house to continue to help him pack and clean the house a little. Destiny, my little sister, was going with a friend to a concert at church, so my husband I agreed to babysit. They all sat on the sofa watching a movie while I was in the kitchen making a pot of chili beans. It was just an ordinary day for us. One minute things are fine, then the next minute it's not. I'll never understand why it happened. My dad went to the bathroom and when he came out he sat on the side of his bed to catch his breath. I saw that he wasn't looking so good and started a breathing treatment for him and told him he needed to go to the ER. I called an ambulance. My husband was in the front driveway waiting for them. The station is only a block away so they got their really quick. Before the paramedics made it in the house, my dad stopped breathing. His face was turning blue then black as I screamed for help to hurry and screamed at him to please breath. I tried to sit him up, but just then a paramedic came in and yanked my dad onto the floor and started CPR. Others came in and joined in his efforts. After what seemed like hours, but was actually 23 minutes they loaded him into the ambulance, still performing CPR. When we got to the hospital, they told me they did everything they could but my dad didn't make it. I felt my whole world closing in. I couldn't breath. How could this be happening? Again. I had to be dreaming, a nightmare really. Hours turned to days, turned to weeks and it still doesn't feel real. Both of my parents gone, just 3 months apart.
That's not even the half of it though really. People say the don't understand how a family can suffer so much tragedy in such a short time. Besides losing my parents, my grandpa, my mom's dad passed away (10/25/13) two days before my mom (10/27/13). Then my dad unexpectedly dies (2/1/13), a couple of weeks later, my uncle, mom's brother, Dan (2/18/13) and then my nana, dad's mother (3/7/13). I often think of them in heaven all together having one heck of a party.
So here I am today, April 12th. Missing my family so much. Not a day goes by that I don't think of them and cry. I really miss my mom and dad. My world is not the same and probably never will be again. It's weekends like this when I feel completely lost because I should be at their house, grilling some chicken or taking my mom to Sam's Club. It's a void that can never be filled. People say, oh you have you're family..your kids. But no one can really understand. I miss my routine. My kids do too. That was their grandparents. I just don't know how to move on. Will the pain ever go away?
I'll continue this another time, enough for today.
