Reflections from Thanksgiving '09

Dec 06, 2009

I've been meaning to write for some time now about how Thanksgiving went.  Now that it's been over a week (and I can't sleep) I thought I'd write.

This was my "Last" Thanksgiving before WLS.  My parents flew out from Iowa the Saturday before and my sister joined up the Monday before.  I started thinking ahead and asked them all if we could have Thanksgiving on Tuesday instead of Thursday because Ryan and I didn't need all the leftovers in the house just for us.  We ended up doing it on Tuesday and it worked out well.  Most of the leftovers were eaten before they left, and what they didn't eat - we threw it away as soon as we got back from dropping them off at the airport.  A proud moment if I do say so myself.

In the last 3 years, Ryan and I have kind of enjoyed our quiet - non traditional thanksgiving that is just us.  We usually just have whatever we want to eat and don't worry about making a big fuss.  One year we did all appetizers and snack food (you know the crap in the freezer section of the grocery store that just about gives you a heart attack looking at it... frozen cream puffs made an appearance at that year's table), another year we made only the thanksgiving things that sounded good to us (Stuffing, mashed potatoes, Cheese ball, Green beans, corn), and finally another year we ordered pizza.  Yep, Papa John's was open.  So this year we did the traditional because the family was out here.  Thank god for my mom because I don't really know how to cook and she basically did it all.  I "helped" - which basically means I watched and chopped a few things.

Funny thing is, I wasn't sad at all about the food.  I looked at all the fuss that went into making everything and thought to myself "I don't think it's worth it - all that time and energy to make food that's not good for us..."  It was a moment for me.  Even though we didn't make specific WLS friendly meals - I was thoughtful about what I ate and portion control (still having a normal size stomach).  I'm proud to say that I lost a pound that week, that was with no structured exercise and no journaling of my food.  (EEEkkkk... Don't worry, I'm right back on track!).

Other than the food - I reflected a lot on our family relationships.  First, thank god for my husband.  He is my rock and pulls me through the rough times.  Mom and I are more alike than I was ever willing to admit before - but she has this competitive nature about her that is almost constantly there.  It was also very clear to me that her lack of self confidence really impacts her daily life without her even knowing it.  One thing that continues to stick out in my mind was how she ripped the wardrobe apart of anyone that she saw on a commercial or on tv.  I honestly don't even think she realizes that she does it - and maybe I never realized it before either, but living away for awhile now and only seeing them twice a year allowed me to see it from a different perspective. 

Dad was quiet as usual, but this year I noticed a bit of a change in him too.   He is almost 58, resigned from being a bank President in September because his personal values didn't align with the board of trustees anymore (a very proud moment for me as his daughter to see him walk away from the rat race and take a risk!), and overall just kind of has this teenager attitude of "I'll say what I want to because I might as well say it!".  He had little funny comments all week that I never would have pictured him saying as we were growing up - but his old man surliness and inappropriate humor is becoming more common.  A side of him that I'm enjoying for now... but when we have kids, I'll wish he could turn it off! 

And my sister... wow, what to say about my sister.  Her and her boyfriend were in the process of breaking up (now officially broken up) and she begrudgingly used all of my parents frequent flyer miles to buy her last minute ticket out here so she didn't have to be alone on the holiday.  It was a production to say the least.  She barely spoke to anyone, when she did she usually had F U in there somewhere and was pretty much checked out 90% of the time.  She'd "check-in" to argue with us and then check back out.  She's 25 and is really struggling with "if I don't get married now I never will".  I feel bad for her sometimes, but then other times I look at her and think if she was just nice to people - better things would come her way.  Her gorgeous looks aren't taking her as far as they used to and I think her attitude is really starting to catch up to her. 

Erin and my mom made me cry within the first 2 hours of Erin being there.  They were talking about how my grey/white hair was really coming in.  When I'm with just one of them it's alright, but with both of them there - they team up and pick on people.  2 against 1 - and I'm always the one, because Ryan and my dad are silent.  We went shopping for a few hours that first day and I sat in the dressing room with both of them trying on clothes around me.  My sister is a size 6/8 and my mom is a size 1x-2x.  I was just so embarrassed by the way they were talking to one another - especially knowing other people in the dressing rooms could hear them.  The banter went something like "Mom, your ass looks f'ing huge..." followed by "Erin, cover your boobs, you look like you're whoring yourself out on the street corner".  It went on for about 45 minutes while I dutifully did my job of helping hang up their discarded clothes.  I came out of the dressing room nearly in tears and bright red in the face.  Ryan immediately asked what was wrong and I just shook my head knowing if I repeated it I'd either go off or just start crying.  Later that night I explained to Ryan what happened when we had a moment to ourselves.  I started bawling and couldn't stop.  He did a great job of consoling me - even though he didn't really know what was wrong.

What I wanted to be able to explain to him that night and to my family if they ever asked is that: I miss them.  I miss having my family close by and I know that is only going to get harder when we have kids.  But standing there in that dressing room or being around them the rest of the week, confirmed that no matter what, we can not move home.  It feels so horrible to say that or even to type it, but it is the reality of the situation.  I'm proud that I'm not nasty like them - but the only reason I'm not is because I've never been one that's been able to cast those stones.  Had I ever been stereotypically beautiful or blessed with outer beauty, I can't say I'd be any different because that is how I was raised.  So this is my thank-you, post thanksgiving, to my fat body for keeping me protected in so many ways that I never realized or appreciated before this holiday season.  In a very ironic way, my morbidly obese self kept me pure.  It has allowed me to look for the good in all people because it is what I always hoped my family could do for me.  Of course I have my moments, as anyone does - but seeing where and what I come from - I'm proud to say I've done well.  The inside of me is safe, secure, confident and proud - this next year will start the journey that will allow me to have the outside shell match the inside.

I'm also thankful for all of my OH friends and support group buddies.  Learning through this process together has been so helpful and rewarding.  I really trust that we all mean the best for one another and to find that support in complete "strangers" is a blessing.  I look forward to what the next year brings and what I'll be thankful for next Thanksgiving! 

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