Melissa F.
Where to begin!?!
I'm probably your classic story - heavy as a child, diets started at 10, family history of being overweight, have battled this for as long as I can remember. My willingness to address my weight started 3 years ago when I met my husband to be. I was always aware that I was overweight, but it wasn't until meeting Ryan that I began to realize what it felt like to be unconditionally loved and appreciated for who I am. I think to get to the present, it's important to visit the past - just not dwell in it! What follows is an overview of my struggle with my weight.
I'm originally from Iowa. I grew up in Cedar Rapids, Iowa since the age of 5. For all intensive purposes, I'm a city girl. I know most people don't expect that when you hear Iowa, but I was around 20 before ever visiting a farm. One of my first "weight" memories is being 10 years old. I had just celebrated my 10th birthday and my mom and I were driving to Des Moines, IA to visit my new baby cousin. Along the way she stopped and had me mix this powder mix with this liquid and drink it. It was HORRIBLE. I was later told that I was "on a diet" because I was heavy for my age and I needed to work on it. I'm sure my mother meant well by trying to get ahead of the problem early, but needless to say - this diet was the first of many.
I was what you'd call a bright and driven child/teenager. I was outgoing, smiled all the time, good sense of humor and very demanding when I wanted to be. I think looking back on it, I developed my sense of humor as a defense mechanism. It was my way to fit, even if it meant making jokes at my own expense. I have one sister that is 2 years younger than I am, that is pretty much my exact opposite. I was shorter, heavy with dark straight hair and she was tall, skinny, with wavy blonde hair. What do we have in common? Our eyes and our sense of humor, and that's about it. I'll post a picture to show you all what I mean, but trust me the similarities in personalities and looks stop there. Luckily, in the last few years we've reached a point in our lives and our relationship that I would start to call us friends.
My mom always favored my sister because she was so different from the two of us. My mom and I clashed head to head from about the age of 10 until I was in my mid 20's. Part of the reason my husband and I relocated to PA was to get a "fresh start" and allow me room to grow as a person without her judgment or comparisons. Strangely enough, my mom and I have TOO much in common. It starts with our drive for success. I've learned the majority of my habits from her, both good and bad. A lot of these habits relate to food, controlling our surroundings and the people in our lives (that's not a good one), the need for approval and acceptance, and finally our desire to please those around us while having people look up to us and respect our work.
It's taken me a long time to admit many of these characteristics - but at some point I realized, I've got to face what I've got in order to push through to the other side. Alright - back to the teenage years....
I remember feeling HUGE in high school. I had a family practitioner that meant well, but was the wrong fit for my doctor. At that point I didn't realize it was my right to ask to see someone else. I remember he used to tell me - if you just ran 2-3 miles a day, you'd feel better about yourself. I wanted to say "Look buddy, I've been making up excuses since the age of 5 to get out of the mile run... you think at 200lbs. I'm going to go run 2-3 miles?!?" And that's where it started.
I mentioned earlier that I was bright growing up, I guess I'd still put myself in that category. Unfortunately, I used that intelligence to control the one thing that everyone tried to control for me - my food intake and appearance. I was the 3.8/3.9 student - God forbid I get anything lower than a B. I never drank or smoked and didn't participate in any other risky behaviors. What I did do was defy my parents, especially my mother, by adopting the mindset of "I'll show you!" by eating whatever she told me not to eat and doing as little activity as possible. I have memories of being in high school at 180-200lbs. and my dad coming home from work around 5 to find me NAPPING from my long day. Looking back on it now, I know that I was struggling with depression which I'm sure all stemmed from my mother's acceptance of me, but at 17, I was eating myself happy and was never satisfied.
Fast forward to 10 years later and I've proved them all wrong and myself right... right? Well not really. My life has been so successful and blessed in so many ways, but in one major way I never gained control. Below is a list of things I was always told "wouldn't happen" to me because of my weight where I showed "them" up.
-College out of state with knowing no one - graduated with life long friends and in 4 years!
-Landing a great job out of school working for a college back in Iowa
-Going back to grad school for my master's in college student personnel (aka counseling college students)
-Meeting the man of my dreams and getting married to someone that loves me for me
-Moving 1000 miles away from all family and friends to start our lives together
-Landing my 3rd job in 3 years while working my way up the chain
What's missing in this list of accomplishments?
-Fitting into a theater seat
-Being able to shop at a clothing store other than lane bryant
-wearing a skirt or short sleeved shirt
-riding a roller coaster
-Going swimming at the beach (we live so close now, it kills me I don't feel comfortable to go)
-Being able to fit into a chair at work with arms on it
-Flying home to Iowa rather than having to drive home because I don't fit in the plane seats
-Buckling my seat belt in my car and still feeling comfortable enough to drive
and finally...
Starting a family
It's this last missing piece that has really motivated me to get to this point. Now that I've met and married the man that I can envision children with, the desire is there but my body is not. I don't want to bring a child or children into this physical and emotional mess that is my weight and eating before getting it under control. Now is the time in my life that I still can be selfish without the added guilt and I can promise myself to take the time to put into myself to get this taken care of. I want to be a good example for our future family, and that example has to start now!
I'm ready for the journey ahead, willing to confront the past, inspired to make a change - and forever committed to TRUSTING THE PROCESS!!!!
About Me
Before & After
rollover to see after photo
