Choosing your goal

Jun 03, 2015

As an obese child, my goal was to "fit in".  As an obese teenager, my goal was to be invisible.  As an obese adult, my goal was to be "normal". 

In the pre-surgery interview, I was asked to give my weight goal, and at 335 pounds, I said "150 pounds".  I never, ever, thought I'd be less than half my current weight. 

As part of the surgery requirements, I was put on a diet for nearly a year - during which, I lost 70 pounds.  I checked into the hospital at 265 pounds, and honestly, I had second thoughts.  I felt that if I'd been able to lose 70 pounds in a year by myself, why couldn't I just keep going?  But - I knew that I struggled with plateaus, and I'd fought hard for the ability to have this procedure...  so I didn't back out.  I went through with the surgery, and in the blink of an eye (looking back now), I was at 149 pounds.

Now, here's the weird part.  I was almost 50 years old, and losing that much weight after having been too heavy for all those years, I sagged - everywhere.  My face looked gaunt, my arms, legs, and belly had no shape at all, and although I once squeezed into a size two, I wore size four and "small" shirts every day.  I was THRILLED - yet, I wasn't.  I felt great, I was confident (as long as I was dressed), and I thought that perhaps I was actually "too small".  I don't think I ever got into a normal BMI - I was "overweight", even in a size four.  My "after" picture looks absolutely skinny.

I met and started dating my husband, and began to put on weight.  I was 172 when we got married 18 months later.  I thought I was happy with that, but looking at our wedding pictures, I hated the paunch you could see under my dress. 

Now, I'm over 200 pounds again, and struggling to get back on track.  I would be happy at 170 again.  No - I WILL be happy at 170 again.  I WILL lose these extra pounds again - I did it once, right?  Even before surgery...?   I can do this again.

I guess the moral of my story is that if you, like me, struggled with weight your whole life. be flexible about your goal, and be satisfied with health - not looks.  Be happy that every bone and joint doesn't scream with pain when you move.  Be excited to shop in the "normal" section, and enjoy every moment of your good health.  Don't obsess with numbers, but find the spot where your body feels good, you are comfortable with yourself, and don't expect or strive for perfection. 

You'll thank yourself one day.

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