JustJean

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As an obese child, my goal was to "fit in".  As an obese teenager, my goal was to be invisible.  As an obese adult, my goal was to be "normal". 

In the pre-surgery interview, I was asked to give my weight goal, and at 335 pounds, I said "150 pounds".  I never, ever, thought I'd be less than half my current weight. 

As part of the surgery requirements, I was put on a diet for nearly a year - during which, I lost 70 pounds.  I checked into the hospital at 265 pounds, and honestly, I had second thoughts.  I felt that if I'd been able to lose 70 pounds in a year by myself, why couldn't I just keep going?  But - I knew that I struggled with plateaus, and I'd fought hard for the ability to have this procedure...  so I didn't back out.  I went through with the surgery, and in the blink of an eye (looking back now), I was at 149 pounds.

Now, here's the weird part.  I was almost 50 years old, and losing that much weight after having been too heavy for all those years, I sagged - everywhere.  My face looked gaunt, my arms, legs, and belly had no shape at all, and although I once squeezed into a size two, I wore size four and "small" shirts every day.  I was THRILLED - yet, I wasn't.  I felt great, I was confident (as long as I was dressed), and I thought that perhaps I was actually "too small".  I don't think I ever got into a normal BMI - I was "overweight", even in a size four.  My "after" picture looks absolutely skinny.

I met and started dating my husband, and began to put on weight.  I was 172 when we got married 18 months later.  I thought I was happy with that, but looking at our wedding pictures, I hated the paunch you could see under my dress. 

Now, I'm over 200 pounds again, and struggling to get back on track.  I would be happy at 170 again.  No - I WILL be happy at 170 again.  I WILL lose these extra pounds again - I did it once, right?  Even before surgery...?   I can do this again.

I guess the moral of my story is that if you, like me, struggled with weight your whole life. be flexible about your goal, and be satisfied with health - not looks.  Be happy that every bone and joint doesn't scream with pain when you move.  Be excited to shop in the "normal" section, and enjoy every moment of your good health.  Don't obsess with numbers, but find the spot where your body feels good, you are comfortable with yourself, and don't expect or strive for perfection. 

You'll thank yourself one day.

Like so many others, I'm having to accept that I've gained too much weight and need to turn it around.  Nearly nine years after surgery, I'm up about 70 pounds from my lowest weight, and 50 from where I want to be, although still 115 less than I was 10 years ago...   

I had arbitrarily chosen 150 as my goal weight during the preparation for surgery.  I don't know why that number came to mind, but I got to 149.  I felt too skinny.  My BMI was still considered overweight, but I wore a size four, and most of my skin hung on my frame.  My face looked too thin.  I met my husband right after I met my goal - I was in a confident state of mind. 

While dating, I started eating differently - when he took me out, it was harder to stick to "the plan".  When I cooked for him, I made things I wouldn't normally eat myself.  I am now wearing a size 14, and I hate it.  I know what I have to do, but I continue to blame stress, age, lack of time for exercise...   give me time, I'll come up with more excuses. 

Starting now - more water, more activity...  less sugar, less carbs.   No more mindless snacking. 

My husband was diagnosed as diabetic a couple of years ago, so we changed our diets then, but not enough to turn around my weight gain.  If this is going to happen, it's up to me.  

I got an email today from Obesity Help - congratulating me on my WLS anniversary...  six years...   I'd forgotten what day it was.  How could I forget the day I started on the path to normalcy? 

Anyway, the email encouraged me to update, so that I may help to encourage others.  So - here I am, six years out, heavier than I'd like, but still within what society deems "normal".  My constant goal is my "wedding weight" of 172 - give or take a few pounds - but I'm at about 192 right now.  I still wear a size eight.  I don't get it, it doesn't make sense, but it is, what it is. 

I'm happily married (just had our two-year anniversary).  My husband is supportive - he tells me I'm beautiful and how much he loves me multiple times each day. 

I will never forget the pain and discomfort, both physical and emotional, of being morbidly obese.  Perhaps that's part of keeping my weight under control. 

I do think that Dr. Krahn's direction, which I may not always follow but don't ever forget, was very important.  I think too many WLS patients are given the surgery without being given the directions on how to use their new tool.  My mom was one of them - she hasn't gained all of the weight back, but doesn't eat right and therefore doesn't feel great most of the time.  I've tried to explain to her that she'll feel alot better if she drinks more water and focuses on proteins, but since her doctor didn't give her the right directions, she doesn't take care of herself. 

Anyway, I'm healthy, active, and happy.  What more could I ask for?    happy anniversary to me!  

It's been a long time since I've visited OH, but wanted to update...   what an eventful year!

On August 20, 2010, Curt and I were married...   although it was a very tough year (we both lost our dads and have suffered through illnesses and injuries on both sides of our families), we are so thankful we have each other to lean on.  Having dealt with so much sadness with comfort foods (a long-standing bad habit), I gained some weight - sound familiar?

At my lowest, I was 149.  I wasn't happy with that - I felt that I looked "gaunt".  I could squeeze into a size 2, but wore a size four regularly.  I started to gain slowly while dating Curt, completely intentionally.  I wanted to be around 160.  Unfortunately, I fell into a habit of eating "bad foods", and continued to gain.  I was 172 on our wedding day, and thought I was ok with it.  I was comfortable, and still in a size four or six, depending on the cut/style of the clothes. 

After we were married and we were dealing with both of our fathers' illnesses and eventual deaths, I continued to comfort myself (and him) with food.  I was up to 192 at one point.  It was then (in a size 10), I said "NO MORE!"...   I was not going to waste all my hard work and efforts.  I went back to basics - lots of water, walking, and low-carb meals.  I have since lost about 15 pounds, and want to lose another 10 before my daughter's wedding in November (11/11/11).  I KNOW I can do it! 

It's wonderful to be active and healthy, and now I have a beautiful granddaughter to run with (after?)!  I spent far too many years hiding away from life.  Thank God I found myself buried under all that weight! 

So much has happened lately...

Curt moved in in November, and Chrysti moved out in December.  We're all very happy with our current living arrangements, and life is good.

About six months ago, an acquaintance at church hosted a blood drive/bone marrow donor screening.  He had leukemia and needed a transplant.  None of us matched him, but thank God, he found a donor and is now home and doing well. 

I couldn't give blood because my iron was a little low, but I did give a swab sample, and just a few months later, I was called as a potential match for a man somewhere that needed a transplant.  Since then, I've given many more samples of blood, and I progressed through the process of becoming a bone marrow donor. 

In December, I attended my surgeon's support group meeting with another OH member.  I mentioned that I was in the program, and the RN said it was not a good idea.  I got a little concerned, but continued through the process with the City of Hope, being very certain that everyone I spoke to understood that I was a WLS patient and that my circumstances may be different from others.  They kept telling me that as long as I passed the medical exams, I would be fine. 

I called my PCP, and she is also a potential donor, although she's never been matched.  I guess it's highly unlikely that most unrelated donors are called up - lucky me!  She knows me well, and said that I would be fine - that I should go ahead with it.  I went to City of Hope on Friday for my testing, and I was nearly perfect in every test...    so...   April 1, I will become a donor. 

I still have a small doubt about the surgeon's nurse's suggestion that it wouldn't be a good idea, but I realize that I've never met this woman before - she didn't ask how long ago I'd had surgery - she is not familiar with me or my medical history...  and since my own PCP and the City of Hope feel that I'll be fine, I'm going to trust those who know me best.  I think that she should have directed me to someone with some background or asked more questions before answering so readily, and I hope that everyone who has considered becoming a donor would talk to their own doctors before deciding NOT to donate.  Someone's life may depend on it!

I just wanted to update...

The day after my last post, I met a man...   I had been on an online dating site for a few months, and had met three others - dated one for a couple of months...  but met this particular man on that Sunday afternoon...   I wasn't real impressed...   but he was nice enough, and he asked me out again.  We went out to dinner and walked around an outdoor mall for awhile.  It was nice.  Then he asked me out again.  We went to the beach, and he spent the day anticipating my every wish.  He was so sweet.  Since that day, we've spent nearly every day together.  I've never been so happy as I've been the last eight months.  Until I realized that I met Curt the day after I "let go" of Pat...  that scared me.  Did I jump into this relationship when I let go of that old fantasy?  So I talked to Curt about it....  and being the sweetheart that he is, he pointed out that we are deliriously happy and have been for the last eight months...  If I had fallen into this as a rebound relationship, I'm sure that it wouldn't have lasted this long or been as wonderful...  

Curt is everything I never knew I always wanted.  He is sweet, sensitive, sexy, affectionate, and attentive.  He hasn't asked me yet, but I believe that we will be together forever. 

I used to think that I would never want a man that wouldn't have wanted me fat - so finding Curt was truly amazing.  First of all, I realized that I didn't even like myself when I was MO - how could I expect anyone else to love me?  I was no fun - I didn't do anything fun - and I didn't enjoy life.  I had to learn to love myself before I could love someone else. 

But I think the moment I realized he was the one for me was when I met his sister...   Obviously, he loves her very much - and she's big - not as big as I once was, but it made me feel that Curt would love me no matter what.

His whole family loves me - we all have so much in common.  I really do love his mom and his sister, and his grandma.  They're all so normal...  

I've never had a man that loved me as much as Curt does.  He wants to give me everything - and all I need from him is his affection.  He's wonderful. 

30 years ago, I was the "fat girl" in high school.  I had an insane crush on the boy across the street.  

Over the years, I never stopped loving him.  We had a few "moments", but he moved on, literally and figuratively.  Because I hung out at his house every chance I got, his mom and I became very close.  Because I was close to his family, I saw him every few years.  Eight years ago, he broke my heart; he got married.  We were both about 40, and neither had married until then. 

Fast forward 28 years from that high-school crush.  

Two years ago, I saw him again, at his mom's funeral.  He is now morbidly obese, but I'd still take him in a heartbeat, because I have always loved him, but of course, now he's married.

So - tonight was his sister's 60th birthday party.  I was invited, so I drove three hours to have dinner with her and about 40 others.  He was there (I hoped he would be, but I wasn't sure).  

For 30 years, I dreamed of the day that I'd have lost a lot of weight, and would walk into the room and his mouth would drop open.  Tonight, it happened.  

He was sitting at the end of the table, still well over 400 pounds.  His wife sat next to him.  I walked into the restaurant carrying my coat and his sister's birthday present.  When he saw me, yep, I could see the shock on his face. 

I sat across the room from him - I couldn't sit and make small talk with him and his wife.  Every few minutes, he'd turn in his chair to steal a glance at me.  I enjoyed every minute of it. 

When he got up to leave, I went to say goodbye.  He hugged me, and whispered in my ear that he didn't even recognize me - that I looked "awesome".  

I've waited 30 years for that approval from him.  I know how pathetic that sounds, but I have loved that man my whole life - and hearing him say that was all I've ever wanted from him.

I can let him go now. 

I did it!  I did it!  If I wasn't so sick, I'd go do cartwheels all over the courtyard!

This morning, my scale read 149.4 pounds. 
At the very beginning, I told the psychologist that I would be "ecstatic" at 150.  My surgeon never gave me a goal, but when I met with him at my one year anniversary, weighing 155, he said that I should maintain between 140 and 160.  

I was comfortable at 155.  I know it's unbelievable, but I wear a size four every day.  I can squeeze into a size two.  I never dreamt I'd be that small, and was amazed when I fit into the smallest size I'd ever worn!  I was ALWAYS big - never normal.  Now, I'm smaller than most of the woman I work with and most of my friends.  Again, never my goal. 

Anyway, I'm below 150 today.  I attribute this achievement to two things.  

Because I gained a few pounds over the Christmas holiday, I joined the OH Valentine's Day challenge (thank you, Lea!).  The accountability, and the fact that the challenge gave me a reason to come to OH every day to post, kept my goal in front of me constantly.  The other reason I believe I was able to lose 10 pounds in less than two weeks is because I am sooooo sick!!   Oh well....

So, my wish for the next few weeks is that I don't gain a bunch back when I start feeling better, and that my business trip to Las Vegas next week doesn't become a food choice nightmare.  Luckily, I planned a couple of the meals (awards luncheon, pre-event dinner), so I know I will have some good options.  Will I take the right path?  I hope so.  

I know I ramble a lot, but I also want to tell anyone who's reading this, particularly newbies, please don't put too much importance on BMI's or labels.  According to my BMI, I am overweight.  Today, I feel absolutely gaunt.  I look like hell (because I'm sick and have no makeup on).  My hip bones protrude and I have the chest of a 10-year-old boy.  My weight is not distributed properly.  I carry probably 20+ pounds in excess skin around my belly and my batwings.  I'm ok with that.  I have no intention of doing plastics.  When I'm dressed, I look pretty darn good.  My point is, no one in their right mind would look at me and say I'm overweight - but if they did, I'd tell them to kiss my size-four ass!  

 

Wow!  I didn't realize how long it had been since I've posted!  Not much to say, I guess!

I've maintained a weight between 152 and 159 since my surgiversary, the highest being after 10 days of vacation with my family for Christmas.  I'm now able to eat almost anything without being sick, so I indulged in cookies, chocolate, and all the old traditional favorites for Christmas dinner.  Of course, I couldn't eat nearly as much as I used to, but I certainly enjoyed it!

The really weird thing is that I was up to about 158 when I got home from vacation, and continued to gain a few ounces each day until I was at 159 - but then, in one day, I lost four 1/2 pounds of water weight!  This morning, I weighed in at 153.8!  WOW!  I'm so glad it came off - I was worried when I kept it on for two weeks!  

Anyway, my original goal was 150, but since I'm wearing a size four, I'm satisfied.  I have fit into a two, but they're tight as hell, and I don't want to be in a two anyway!  Four feels good to me!  

Do you have any idea how wonderful it was to receive Christmas  (and birthday) gifts in a size "small"?  And everything fit?

In a few weeks, we have our annual convention in Las Vegas, and I have such a lot of work to do in preparation.  I'm very excited, though, because I've been in this industry practically my whole life, so I always run into someone that I haven't seen in awhile.  Last year, I never even made it to the show floor because I was so terribly busy with our company events offsite - so if I get to go to the show this year, I may very well see people that haven't seen me since I weighed in at more than 300 pounds - I love that "shocked" look on their faces when they realize who I am!

Ok - this one kind of spooked me a little...   I always take a walk in the morning at work, and I work with a bunch of people that have been in the same industry for years.  People move from company to company, but if you stay in the industry, you all know each other.  Anyway, one of the guys in Receiving (nice guy I've known for like 25 years) told me that he had taken my picture (without my knowledge) while I walked - and he'd shown it to another guy I'd worked with years ago.  Of course, the other guy was shocked that I'd lost so much weight...  but it really did freak me out that this guy took my pic and showed it to others...   I guess in this age of technology, it's not so weird to have your pic taken without your knowledge.

I will try to update more often (I did put new pics up last week!), but I tend to visit the forums more than I come to update my own page!  

Good luck to all - isn't this a fantastic journey??  

Post Date: 8/26/07 12:16 am
Today is my one-year surgiversary...   

Height 5'2"
Beginning Weight - 334
8/25/06 Weight - 275
8/25/07 Weight - 156

Age - 46
Pants size - 4
Blouse size - Small
Current BMI - 28.3 (overweight)
Body Fat Percentage - 17% (underfat)

I saw my doctor on Thursday, and all labs were good, except iron was slightly low - nothing to be concerned about.  He tells me that although my BMI says I'm still overweight, he'd be happy if I maintained anything between 140 and 160.  He states that most Americans are in the "overweight" category, and that I should ignore labels. 

I have a real problem with the fact that my body fat is way below "healthy" range for a woman my age (23% is low-end normal), yet my BMI is high-end overweight.  It's also hard to comprehend how someone in a size four can be "overweight" by medical standards! 

Does anyone know how one raises their body fat percentage while still losing weight?  I am concerned that as I lose more pounds (trying for five more!), I will also lose fat, and I know that being too much below normal can mess with a woman's cycle, among other things...   I don't want any issues!

My opinion?  BMIs stink!!   

Sat on the loser's bench 8-25-06!! 
High 334/PreOp 275/Curr 154

4 pounds to goal!  

The Lord doesn't require us to succeed, He only requires that you try - Mother Teresa