Debra Adams
I have been overweight all my life. My mother took me to the pediatrician when I was 8 months old because I was so chubby. I haven't weighed myself in 2 years. I refuse when I am at the doctors. It's easy, because I'm a nurse and we are known for being horrid patients. I am a AIDS Certified Registered Nurse. I started a clinic in 1989 with a group of volunteers. We were federally funded in 1993. I think of my clinic as my baby. I have really devoted a good deal of my life to it. About 4 years ago, I decided it was time to date. I passed by the baby of my own stage, but I wanted a family. I met and married the best man in the world who is beyond belief handsome. I sometimes stare at his butt and thank God it's mine :)We have his son living with us. He is a great kid and I love being a Mom. We have 2 miniature dashunds and a shetland sheepdog..........and a 30 pound long haired cat that we inherited from Chuck's grandma. I like to quilt. I am really pretty good at it and it helps me escape. I weighed myself today. It is so much that I couldn't believe it. I weigh more than anyone has a right to. I can't imagine how I got this bad. Well, I do know. I hurt my back and I can't walk more than 2 blocks without pain. I am going to die if I don't do something. I am horrified. I am ashamed. I can't believe how bad it is. I have an appointment with the surgeon next week. If I could I would just run away, but I'm going to face it. I have to. May 13, 2005 It's been a while since I updated. Right now my husband and I decided to pay for surgery and fight with the insurance before, during and after. Yahoo! So I have booked my surgery for July 13th. My office manager, Howard, is going to Scotland in June and I can't take off when he is gone. My husband is a teacher so we are waiting until the Summer so he can take care of me. I'm not sure how that will work out, but he is the love of my life and I can't imagine anyone else helping me. I am going to a physician that has had over 25 years of WLS experience. He does a modified operation that I, as a nurse of 23 years, have researched and have concluded it will work for me. I have encountered people who do not approve of him, although they live so far away I can't imagine they have actually met him. It has been hard for me to ask for support when half my mail comes back warning me about my doctor. I want to love this place, but I sometimes feel I don't belong here. May 15, 2005 Just went to a wonderful support group that made me feel so much better. I felt supported in my decisions and way more anxious to hurry and get my surgery. I thought about getting things sped up but I have 20 classes to teach before now and June 30th or else I jeopordize a portion of my clinic's funding. What's more I haven't even finished some of the curricula. I guess I better wait. I did get a letter from my insurance stating that they don't pay for weight loss surgery but can't give me a final determination until after I have the surgery. What a crock! Oh well, thank God that isn't going to make a difference for me. I will pray for the rest of you that are in their hands, I hate those of service who are stupid and short sited. July 12, 2005. I have surgery tomorrow. My sister, who had major abdominal surgery said that the days leading up to surgery were the worst and I am going to have to say I agree. My emotions are just crazy, I've never wanted to back out of surgery, but I find my ability to cope with anything more then a hang nail, overwelming. My husband is in school, my Mom and I took my oldest dog to the vet and he is currently staring up at me from the dark recesses of "the cone". Can't leave his wound alone. Poor dog, he's almost 14 and should have to go through such indignities. I am packed for the dogs, me and my husband. I have who's going where stretched out like this was some sort of battle. Wish me luck. Tomorrow, I'll be on the other side. *** Well here it is 8 weeks later and 61 pounds lighter. I feel pretty good and have been back to work for 3 weeks now. I am tired a lot but I manage to lollygag around and give myself lots of permission to goof off. I still have lots of nausea that comes in like the fog and disappears hours later. One day last week I had none, that was a great day. Let me tell you about surgery. I went in the day before to see Dr. Heap, get registered and write out those rather large checks. Dr. Heap then told me that I should pay more because I had a big liver and I was at higher risk for complications. This hit me like a ton of bricks and I left the office sobbing. I had never thought about the fact that I could die. I'm only 45 and I am a nurse.....nurses don't get sick and die, at least not the good ones. Dr. Heap was totally puzzled by my tears and was very upset that he said something that disturbed me. I later found out that he had had a very tough surgery that afternoon and perhaps wasn't at his best. Never the less, I thought, put one foot in front of the other and move on. I checked in to La Quinta Inn and dosed myself with so much Milk of Magnesia I was up all night. My husband joined me that night, after he was done with his classes, brining our sick, 14 year old Sheltie dog. He needs special food, medicine, and cannot do steps any more so we can't leave him with anyone. What a mess..........sick dog, sobbing, gassy, poop-laden wife. He was so kind and generous. He really was the living embodiement of "in sickness and health"....I'm not so sure I wouldn't have run screaming from the room. The day of surgery was great, I really just wanted to get it over with. Everyone I met was so kind. They took me to a room and weighed me.........what a shock. I had gained weight since I started preparing for weight loss surgery. I hadn't changed my eating and wasn't eating any junk. I just couldn't stop gaining. The nurses were great..........she wasn't shocked by my weight and didn't make me feel bad in any way. The IV was a breeze and I just LOVED my anesthesiologist. I told her she would just love my airway..........I would be a breeze to intubate....(I really didn't know if that was true or not, but I wanted to get in there and feel confident.) She later said I did have a great airway and was surprised when I told her I just made up the "great" story. When I went to the surgery suite the table felt like the size of a balence beam. I was barely able to sit on it. The anestesiologist then had me lean forward while sitting (or should I say stradling) the table and put in some long acting narcotic right into my back, like a spinal for a c-section. I later was grateful for that, as I could take great deep breaths after. I layed back and the next thing I remember is being in intensive care on a ventilator. I remember my husband being there and me violently shaking my head back and forth. This caused everyone to come in my room and tell me not to do that. Finallly, since I was so adament, they took it out. I just remember having the mother of all loogies in my lung and coughing it all out. This, of course, made all the nurses very happy. Oh yes, and it HURT! Like bad words hurt. No one ever told me that it really hurts but it does. I had a morphine drip and a morphine PCA and it still hurt. All for a good cause though. I think it's important to remember that the pain does go away and every day it would get better. Dr. Heap seemed to be there a lot and said that he didn't get a chance to remove my gall bladder but did everything else. I was disappointed about that but I guess I went for one thing and was happy to get it. He made sure I had enough pain medicine too. He was very empathetic and listened carefully to what I said. I went to a room after two days and went home 3 days after that. I was never so happy to be home in my life. My hair had green dye in it from surgery (all the nurses puzzled over the 45 year old punk rock look) and I finally got to wash my hair and sit in my chair and look at my trees, it was terrific. Eating was hard, still is at times. I just didn't feel hungry. Drinking was the most difficult, I found ice cold water and popsicles to be my saving grace. My best advice is to be prepared to watch a lot of TV, I couldn't read.........I just lacked any concentration. Buy lots of cute pajamas with elastic waist because they are the most comfy, and let people baby you a little. Sept. 17, 2005 Well, I fit into a pair of actual jeans. No stretch polyester but real jeans. It feels great, and my belly is really shrinking. So far I am 65 pounds lighter after almost 9 weeks. My back feels so much better and I can now walk around in the mall and go grocery shopping without stopping due to agonizing pain. It is so simple and beautiful to just enjoy the day again. My energy is better as is the nausea. I only get sick to my stomach occasionally and I have pills when it gets bad. I still have some sort of odd incisional pain, but it might be due to my gall bladder, I'm not so sure that bad boy is acting up. I guess time will tell. I did have a bad "fat" moment amongst the "wow" moments. I fell and couldn't get up. Right in front of my door at work. About 15 Mexican men swooped down.....all of them couldn't be more then 5'2 and weighed about 100 pounds. None of them spoke English and didn't understand.......just leave me be for a minute. I finally got up when someone wheeled out a wheel chair. I was mortified and my incision did come open a bit in all the arms and help I got. It was humbling. I fall all the time but never so public. It makes me feel so huge, like a big blob of fat. Sometimes, it just doesn't matter that you are trying......I am still enormous and it hurts really badly. OK.......enough of feeling bad. One foot in front of the other and move forward. I'm going to buy myself something for my birthday, which is Tuesday. I cut my hair off the other day.....I figure it's going to fall out so it would be better in short then long strands. I think I'll get some earrings since my ears are now visable. More later. October 8, 2005 I am down 84 big pounds at 12 weeks. I didn't lose a thing for 2 weeks and then I lost 10 pounds in about 5 days. Just great! I went to a business meeting for a few days in Seattle and managed eating out and at the meeting. I did fine. I get nervous that everyone will not understand how little I eat, or that something disagrees with me. I pretty much can eat whatever I want. Nothing but milk products really bothers me. I am so happy I didn't have an RN-Y so I don't have to obsess over sugar. I don't really want any but I did have a bite of my birthday cake and about twice a month have a cookie. It's just nice to know I don't have to worry about it. I am really noticing that I have to find some new clothes. Mine are huge. I am packing up my summer clothes and giving them away. I'll never wear them again. That is so neat to say. Well, that's it for now, more later. January 31st, 2006 Down 126 pounds. I am feeling pretty darn good. It's amazing how much more you can do. How much farther I can walk, how much easier it is to get up and do something. I feel like I have my life back. I have had such a vast array of obstcals lately. Sick sister, my husband's ex wife visit (which was really fine, but kinda stressful), 2 major data reports and a 500 page grant all due March 10th. I let it get to me I think and last week had full on chest pain. The kind that goes down your left arm and up into your left jaw. I was so ANGRY. I was in the middle of a meeting, I have lost 126 pounds and it wasn't easty and NOW my heart wants to get some attention. I was livid. So I did what all good nurses do, I found a nurse friend in my clinic, hooked up my heart to a monitor and there were some scary spikey things that shouldn't have been there. I finally agreed to see a dr, and do tests, but I went back to my office to wait for results. Guess what, it was stress! Imagine. So I got some happy floaty pills that take the edge off. I forget to take them most of the time. I have been falling with great regularity. When you lose so much weight your center of gravity is constantly shifting so you are more clumsy. Although I am always clumsy. The good news, I can now get up off the ground without help or assisstance. I find that the number of falls is directly proportional to the lightness of my clothing so I have taken to wearing black. Seems more safe. Let's see, I can now fit in chairs with arms. I can shop in fat girls stores (you skinnies that never want to see The Avenue again) I was too big for that store, so walking in there to me, is freedom. I have bouught countless undies, that my husband gets off within minutes. I even have a thong that makes him crazy, what a guy. I have to say that sex is so much better. Makes it all worth it. OK.......enough of this back to work. I doubt anyone reads this but if you do, thanks. I would be happy to answer any questions you have. Debra Feburary 13, 2005 Well I am here to tell you all about plateaus. I have been on one for over 3 weeks. Well, it's not so much a flat line, but up 3 pounds down 5, up 4 down 1, etc. etc. I get really tired of it so this is what I do. It is probably very contraverseal, so you may not want to read this. Here it is: I am fat because I failed to curb my appetite. Bottom line, I ate too much. Now I have this great opportunity to lose weight and I wanted to go into it with a plan. I am trying to learn about moderation. I love all you folks who eat only skinless chicken breasts and protein bars and God love all of you but I want a diet that is for life. One that includes birthday cake, and potato chips for the superbowl. I want a lifestyle that lets me eat what I want, just not so much of it. It's not that I don't eat protein dense nutrient packed foods, I do. But I am not going to say Never will I eat ___________ again. I will. I go to McDonalds and eat a hamburger once a month. I eat salad with dressing. I make sure I drink lots of fluids and eat good food, I just don't want food to rule me............I want the sheer and utter pleasure of ruling it. I never want to fear food again. I can't stuff my face with food again..........it doesn't fit. So, I stay the same weight every now and then. My clothes are still getting loser, I had one pair of pants fall down as soon as I got up............into the Good will pile they went. Life is good. Food is once again, good. I am in control of it. It is good to take back my life. It makes me feel strong............I'm getting older, I like to feel wise. Plod along my darlings...............we will all get to where we end up, in our own time. While walking I will look around and enjoy the flowers, even if I do miss the pot hole in the pavement and fall once again. I know those flowers will be worth it. March 11, 2006 Well, I have been terribly busy at work. Every 3 years I have to write a competative grant to fund my clinic. It's a lot of pressure because if it isn't accepted we have no AIDS care within 150 miles in any direction. I lock my office door and become extraordinarily testy. I ate junk too. Mostly little miniature candies, very bad. I finally weighed myself and I have lost a grand total of 138 pounds. I was down 5 pounds. I think stress speeds your metabolism. Anyway, I am finding clothes that fit, in my town.. I am no longer at the mercy of anyone on line that carries my size. I have choices. I am finally fitting into a 3x, from a 6x. I always smile when folks complain about not losing enough weight to fit into a size 6, cry me a river! I am now finally where most people start. There are days I wonder what took me so long to do this. I think I just let it sneak up on me, and I was so busy that as long as I functioned I was ok. I think if my back wasn't so bad, I would still be where I was. Strange. Here is what I can do now.. 1. I can get up from any sofa or chair, and I can sit in any chair with arms as well. 2. I can walk anywhere. 3. I can clean my house (if I care to) 4. I can take my little dogs for a walk (although they still pull me) 5. I can get in any care an fasten the seat belt. 6. I have enough energy to finish projects. I no longer have to sit around and rest. 7. I can make love with my husband without taking a vicoden for pain. 8. I can reach to wash all areas of my body Oh there's so much more but I'll quit for now. I am so grateful for this surgery. I am so grateful to my doctor, who didn't bat an eye when I walked in with a bmi of 72. He really was and is the greatest hero in my eyes. OK, now I'm crying. I just don't have the words to say how much better my life is. I was a happy, confident person when I started but now, I am so much more peaceful. I dont' worry near as much about little things. Well, I am dressed and ready to go to my support group. Of all things I would say to someone thinking about weight loss surgery, I would say, you must have a support group. I don't know what I'd do without them. These women are the best thing that ever happened to me. I'm off......Talk to you later. June 2, 2006 It's been way too long since I've updated. I guess I wanted to wait until I had something profound to say, but that never happened so here I am with just a happy heart. I've lost so far, 157 pounds. I feel so wonderful. I am shopping a lot and I can now go outside and help outside (big thrill). I feel more of a partner then an observer. It can be hard sometimes. I started out so heavy that people look at me strangely when I tell them how much weight I've lost. I think when they hear the number they think I should now look like a skinny movie star, and in truth, I still look heavy. In fact I weigh, a lot of the times, more then most of the people's starting weight. But screw it.....I feel great, and I haven't stopped losing yet, so who knows where I'll end up, and I feel great. I feel like it's time to tell whoever you are that's reading this, how much I really weigh. I have been so private with this. It is such a hard thing for me to do, but maybe it will help someone and that is now very important to me. I went into surgery weighing 477, I'm 5'11. I now weigh a swelt 320. OK, I did it. Thanks for not laughing. I have tons of confidenct, but something about that number just makes me a bit whoosey. Did I tell you about shopping. I wear skimpy undies that my husband loves, by the way, he can't keep his hands off me. By the way, I can't keep my hands off myself. It feels so good to feel bones, where only rolls of fat once were. It is rather embarassing, however, to be caught feeling myself in public. I wear pretty clothes and I can go to any store that has plus sizes and buy something pretty. It is so freeing to not have to go to catalogs. Sizes are funny now though and I do have to try everything on. I am a size 22 in somethings all the way up to a 26 in others. I am trying to get too caught up in numbers though. Oh and I can eat quite a bit more. I find that when I eat a bit more then a 1000 calories a day I lose faster. I eat regular food that I fix for my family, I just eat smaller amounts. I can't eat ice cream or milk, I've still got lactic acidosis, and gresy things make me quezy but other then that, I can eat anything. If I'm feeling like I want to get back to basics because I've been eating poorly, I do emphasize protein, but I don't think we have to live by it. Remember I don't have an RNY so I eat differently. I love the 100 calorie packs because I like salty things and it helps me from over doing. I eat a lot of chili and string cheese. I still eat chocolate and cookies but I am in control and can just eat one. I like trying to eat normally. I am afraid of dieting, for fear if I "go off" I'll regain weight, so I try to eat as normally as possible. I have been quite sick lately. I had a very bad kidney infection, and I think part of it was to blame on my lack of fluid intake. I'm working on that but it is still hard for me. I am buying all sorts of flavored waters to try and find something I like and can drink quickly. My body has some lose skin but not too bad. I think my thighs are the worst. Well that's not true, I have horrid bat wings. My arm fat facinates and disgusts me at the same time. It will be fixed surgically, I assure myself. OK....off I go to get dressed and do something horribly interesting. Love to all that read this. ****debra
