new blog

May 05, 2007

I'll be doing periodic updates here but my real blog is at http://workingongfreedom.blogspot.com/

19 days post op

May 04, 2007

19 days post-op

Ok so I woke up this a.m. and I "felt" smaller so I *had* to weigh. lol

I was down 2 more lbs. which puts me down 21 lbs! YAY! I was hoping I'd hit 20 lbs gone soon!!

I went to GNC last night to find some protein that didn't make me gag. I started off with a chocolate protein powder from my aunts vitamin shop. It was ok, but after a week I couldn't drink it anymore. Next, I grabbed some vanilla protein powder from Walmart which tasted just like Slim Fast. I wasn't complaining. It didn't taste horrible and I could get it down, until yesteday a.m. I don't know what happened, but I mixed up my 8 oz. shake and took one sip and almost lost it. I couldn't even smell it without my gag reflex kicking in. Weird! But I hear it's normal. So I found myself at GNC last night spending $55 on Isopure. It is protein powders that mix into a juice like drink instead of a shake. I need a break from the shakes. Plus it's 25g protein for only 6 oz which is nice! It tastes like fruit juice and with ice is pretty good. There is slight, odd aftertaste but so far I'm tolerating it.

So anyway, walking into GNC...I felt weird. The whole time I was in there I could "hear" people saying, "What is the fat girl doing in there?"..... Then the two guys that were working were the rudest people. The first one came around the side of the aisle and asked me what I needed. He was a shorter guy, but his chest and arms were huge. I see his ripped muscles through his shirt, bulging. His co-worker was just as buff. I felt like an idiot. He asked me what I needed and I told him Protein Powder and then added, "I just had gastric bypass." My whole face was burning. Humiliation.

I know I could've lied about it, but obviously I'm not an athlete or a body builder and I didn't want to hear some comment about how protein powders aren't for weight loss or whatever so I just blurted it out. ugh.

He showed me a couple things and that was that. While I standing there looking at the different flavors a little boy came in. The arcade game outside the store had taken his money and he came and told Mr. Muscle, who very rudely replied, "That sucks for you." Mr. Muscle the Second, laughed. They told the little boy to find a security gaurd. "The one who looks like a cop, but is too fat to be one"..... Then after the boy left they laughed about how rude they were.

I just wanted to get out of there asap. I made the purchase and walked out, knowing that as soon as I left the store I'd be the next joke. "Did you see the fat girl buying protein?" Hardy har har.

It's ok though. This girl won't be fat for long, and every month that I go there and buy my protein they will see me shrink. We'll see who has the last laugh.

16 days post op-

May 04, 2007

 
 

So I am trying to talk myself into staying off of the scale until Monday. I started TOM yesterday and it was horrible. I was cramping so bad and bloated and had no appetite. I was still the same on the scale yesterday and then up a lb. today. That is going to start frustrating me so I'm wondering if I should just stay off until Monday. I really, really wish I had the strength to do it. I know that there is no way I'm gaining weight, eating 500 calories a day but, if you've read my journal very long then you know what a scale addict I am.
So... what to do.. what to do.... Right now I'm keeping it in the kitchen and everytime I walk through I am tempted to step on it. Maybe I should put it up in the closet at least... that way it won't be sitting right there in my face.

Let's see... Oh, on the food front. I don't want to eat. Nothing sounds good. Nothing tastes good. It's a whole lotta work for a tiny amount of food. Planning, cooking, blending, mashing, straining, re-heating, etc. I'll be glad when that part is over. Again I stress... there is nothing easy about all this.

OK so now I need to decide what kind of exercise I'm going to do once I'm cleared. Right now I'm just walking and need to do more of it (if it would ever stop raining....) but I want to do more. I thought about joining Curves again... Honestly I wish we were closer to the YMCA. The last town we lived in had a rec center/YMCA and it was awesome. It was only 5 mins away, had babysitting and a huge workout room. My choices here are Curves or home DVD's. I really want a tredmil for the house too, but I don't see that happening very soon either. I guess I'll just have to make due with what I have available to me. I'll probably end up at Curves more than likely.

DJ and I have talked about turning a portion of the basement into a workout room and the other side a family room. I can't wait til we can do that. That would be ideal with the kids being young.

I ordered 12 pairs of flip flops yesterday. lol I was sitting here thinking about how awesome it will be when I can shop for clothes and enjoy it.

I look at some of the other post-ops at OH ... the ones who have lost 150 lbs... 160 lbs... and I wonder if I can really do that. I'm only 5 ft. 1 in. and could totally be fine at 120 lbs. I really wish I could get there, but then I hear people voices in my head,
"You'll always be pudgy."
"You're going to look weird when you're skinny."
"You'll never be as small as me."
Yes, people have actually said those things to me in the last month. I had a another person tell me, "Well I better start losing weight b/c you can't be skinnier than me!"
I mean seriously. What is wrong with people?? At any rate, now I'm wondering if I can actually reach 130, let alone 120. Maybe I'll end up at 150? I just don't know and right now all of those numbers seem out of reach. I look at some of those people though who go from 235 lbs to 110 in 9 months. It is amazing to me. I don't know how they do it.
Here I sit though, and I have the same tool as them and yet I wonder if it will work for me. Will I be the one who the surgery doesn't work for? Will my body fight me for every pound? I just don't know. Once again I'm facing the unknown.
Next my mind wonders to how I'll look. Will I have a ton of extra skin? I really do not want to face another surgery. I can't imagine the pain of a tummy tuck. The scars I've seen of people who have had them are terrible too. I just dont' think I could do that. But I guess that is the voice of a person who is still in recovery from surgery number 1. lol
Only time will tell I suppose.
This is the journey of a lifetime!

2 weeks post op

Apr 30, 2007

Two weeks have passed. I am down 18 lbs.

Let's see. Where am I today? On the physical side, I'm doing very well. My incisions are all closed and only one still has the tiniest little scab on it. The drain site is all healed with a tiny scab right in the center. I don't have any pain anywhere, just maybe a tiny bit of tenderness still right where each incision is. I do notice I get pain under my ribs a lot. Some of it is gas, but I also think some of it is pain from those muscules being tensed up for the last weeks. I noticed my whole body was tense and rigid while I was healing. You don't even notice you're doing it, until you start feeling better and relaxing. I think I spent the last 2 weeks with my stomach muscles, neck and back muscules all tensed up.. bracing myself. On the inside, things are healing well too. I've not had any pain when I eat or drink and everything I've tried so far has gone down nicely.

Last night I had to take Hannah to the ER b/c she had a 103.5 temp and I could not get it broken after 5 hrs and giving her Tylenol and Motrin. When we got home I was so ready for bed but had to take my Urso (the pill that will help me to keep my gall bladder). It has to be crushed and I put it in a little applesauce. Well, I was sleepy and just wanted to lay down so I (too) quickly, crushed it, dumped some applesauce in a bowl, stirred it up and took 3 bites WAY TOO FAST! I didn't throw up but it was weirded feeling ever. That applesauce literally sat in the my throat until my pouch emptied enough for it to go down.

Now I've heard of ppl having these experiences and couldn't ever understand how that must really feel. Well, now I'm in the club. lol And let me tell you, it is weird. It didn't hurt or anything, but just was odd. After a few mins. it all filtered through and I was fine. As time passes and the scars heal it is easy to forget what my new insides look like, but after moments like that, I am reminded that the surgery really did happen, and that I will never be able to eat like I used to ever again. (Thank God).

On the mental front.... I have decided that this surgery is 90% mental. Head hunger will get you if you aren't careful. I had a few moments this weekend where I really wanted to eat. Just fix a meal and eat it. Sunday was hard. We have gone out to Sunday dinner almost every Sunday since we got married. Church, then lunch out. It's what we do. Well, it's what we DID. In the long run this is better for all of us. We will save money and eat healthier but it is an adjustment for all of us. The kids didnt' complain and DJ didn't either. You know, as I write this... I wonder if all of our eating out, all of our focus on food.... if all of that came from me. Maybe it was just a thing for me since food has been such a focus in my life.

Abby said something funny. Her preschool teachers knew I was having surgery and it was driving them bonkers to find out what kind. Everyday she would come home saying that they asked again how I was and what I had done and she kept telling them she didn't know. How can a 5 yr old explain RNY anyway?? At any rate, finally on the that Friday they asked again and she turned around and said, "She had the surgery that makes the whole family go on a diet." Ahh... I love that kid. (Of course at her program the next Monday I had them all in my face wanting to know... I can't believe how nosey some people are... whatever!)

Anyway...mentally I have struggled with if I made the right decision or not. I have struggled with wanting to eat a couple times. Well, let me rephrase that... I haven't struggled with wanting to eat a certain thing... I have struggled with the knowing that I can't eat like a normal person right now. This too shall pass and in a month or so I'll be back eating regular foods, just in smaller portions.

I can't wait to have a salad with some chicken on it. Weird I know. That is what I want. I salad with a good dressing and some chicken. LOL

Even the mental struggles though are getting easier with time and as each lb. drops off I feel more and more confident that this was right.

A lot of my problem (not just in this, but in life in general) is that I overthink everything and ask "why" in every situation. I've decided to stop doing that and just thing be what they are. There are so many things in my past that I sit and think about about and question why. I'm starting a new chapter in my life now. No more why's about the past.

This surgery isn't just a physical makeover, but an inward person makeover as well. To examine why I let food be my god, my best friend, my everything. To see how I let it control me and never go back to that again. It's a time to find other ways of coping and make changes in myself for the better. It's not easy letting go of your crutch, but boy will it be worth it in the long run!

I'm in a new season, a new chapter. It's exciting and I am determined to enjoy every moment as it comes, and through it all become a better me.


12 days post op

Apr 28, 2007

Last night DJ and I went to the store and I bought some groceries for them and for my puree stage. I was so tired when I got home, but glad that I got out and about. I am feeling alot better and am still doing my incentive spirometer every hour. I can tell it's really helping.

I am 12 days post op today. I am still down 16 lbs. I lost 14 in the first week, and only 2 lbs so far this week. It's ok though... I know it's a journey not a quick fix.

I've been fighting a headache the last couple days, but I suppose that is from no food. lol Right now I'm averaging about 500 calories a day. I am trying to get more in, but it's hard!

I am starting to feel like my old self again. I don't seem to be in that fog anymore which is nice. For awhile there I didn't even feel human. Yuck!

The plan today is just sitting around, working on some laundry and watching movies. I love Saturday's like this. Life is good. It really is.

11 days post op

Apr 27, 2007

I am down 16 lbs. now.

I had some trouble with my lungs yesterday and horrible horrible chills. I am doing my breathing spirometer 10 times every hr. plus 2 big breaths after.   I am weak and tired after yesterday.  I was so cold... I have never been that cold in my life. I was shivering and could not get warm.  Crazy.
 


10 days post op!

Apr 25, 2007

I am still at 15 lbs lost... been there for a few days but that's ok. I know the weight is coming off faster than ever before.

I apologize for not updating sooner... I was really in a not so good place when I came home. I went into surgery excited and happy and ready to start my journey but came out scared, and regretful and sad. It was so odd, and yet now I've found out is completely normal. The combo of the meds they give, plus the anesethia and everything else really can send you for a loop. Not to mention, going without food makes your mind do funny things.

My family was really worried about me. Physically I am doing awesome. Text book case. Everything went perfect, except for an elevated pulse the night after surgery. Otherwise, I am doing wonderfully physically. Emotionally and mentally was another story.

I am so glad that I am past all that now and can focus on my new life and new journey that is before me.

My family has been awesome. DJ has been (as usual) the best man ever and has really stepped up to make sure things are taken care of. My mom, my aunt, my grandma, people from church, Hannah and Abby... everyone really has been a great help. There have been hot meals brought for DJ and the kids everyday since I had surgery, 2 of my aunts came and cleaned my house for me Tuesday, my mom has been here everyday to help w/ Gabe, Hannah has been a little mommy , the list goes on and on. Everyone is wonderful. I am so blessed.

I am feeling more human day by day which is nice too. The first week or so, I was in such a fog that everything seemed surreal. I just sort of floated around and didn't make much sense. lol

On the food front, I've been on liquids for 10 days. These are liquids that can go through a straw. Mostly soups (no lumps), protein shakes, juice, and dairy. It isn't that bad. In fact, w/ my anxiety about my new pouch, I wouldnt' mind staying on the liquids for a few more days. BUT, I must listen to the surgeon and follow directions. Tomorrow I start purees. These are foods that are the consistancy of babyfood. Still no lumps. I'll have more variety...I'm looking forward to refried beans. Weird I know. LOL

Mom is coming to help me do laundry today so I better run. you all and thank you for all of your prayers and well wishes!!!

I MADE IT!!! Day 3 post-op!!

Apr 19, 2007

It has been quite the rollar coaster but I am home and feel great!!  We left the house Monday at around 4:30 a.m. but made it to the hospital in plenty of time.  We parked the truck, walked across the tunnel to the hospital and got checked in. It was a whirlwind from that point on. They took us into a small blue waiting room where I left DJ and my suitcase.  The nurse put a band on my wrist and asked me a million questions, then took a urine sample, had me change into a gown, and locked my belongings in a locker.  DJ came back and said goodbye and that he loved me...oh and they made me take my glasses off at this point so I was blind as a bat from here on out. LOL 
I went into the next area... got an IV and gazillion other drugs put into me.  The antestiologist had a very thick accent... she sounded like Zsa Zsa Gabor and must not have been able to read well either b/c she said, after looking at my medical history.. "You've had menengitis!!!...oh wait... no migraines..."  LOL That one was pretty funny.  
Next a male nurse named Rocky, who had big muscles and lots of tatoos came over and chatted with me for a few mins. while Nurse Zsa Zsa finished what she was doing.  Rocky was funny b/c Zsa Zsa kept telilng him to do something, then she would do it... so then he'd be standing there lost and she'd yell at him to do something else... lol Good entertainment.  
After awhile I was all prepped. The chaplain had prayed w/ me, the doc had said he'd take good care of me and had left to put on his "pajama's" (his words) and Rocky came back to the side of my bed.  He asked what my favorite drink was... I said Diet Coke... he said no.. alcoholic... well since I dont drink I couldnt' answer. He laughed and said, "Well what I'm going to give you is the best stuff yet" and he put it in the IV.  He laughed and said, "Feel it?"... I said, "no.... oh.............wait... there it is...." And boy was I ever loopy!!!
So... they wheeled me into the OR and I remember them dragging me from one bed to the next....  They were strapping my arms down and I was getting really drowzy.... Rocky said, "Good night" and slapped that mask on my face and I was out!

I remember a slight moment of waking up in recovery and hearing a woman say, "That's it... you're done!" and I flipped out. I dont know why.  I did this after my last surgery too.  I cried and kicked and they knocked me right back out. lol   Oops... sorry nurse whoeveryouwere.  My bad.

The next thing I remember is waking up in my room and DJ was sitting next to my bed. I got up and walked 2 that night and got a ton of fluids b/c my heart rate/pulse was so high (130). All of my other vitals were great though.  

Monday night was rough trying to sleep. DJ left to go home at about 9 p.m. and the nurses came in and woke me up 10 times a night it seemed.  The next morning I was ready for my leak test. My mouth was so dry and since I wasn't allowed to have anything until the test I was so impatient!!!  It was nasty stuff though!  Thank God they give you anti nausea meds before you go or I would've puked all over!!

While they were wheeling me down to the xray I passed a friend of mine that I had meet at the PAT day!!  They had bumped her surgery up one day and she was sitting in the hallway getting her xrays too!!  

I asked the nurse when I got back up stairs what room she was in and so it was nice to have someone there that I "knew" the whole time.  We walked together and watched AI together Tuesday night.  We also compared notes and how we were feeling and stuff so that was fun.  We also set up our 3 week check up to be on the same day at the same time so we can see each other again!!

So after the xray I went back upstairs and finally was able to have ice chips and liquids! They tasted wonderful.

Tuesday was pretty uneventful.  DJ and my Gram came to visit and as I said "R" and I went and walked and watched AI that night.  

I am so sleepy though right now and need to get up and get moving so I will update with the rest of the story tomorrow!




16 hrs. to go...

Apr 15, 2007

 

It doesn't even seem possible that this day is finally here... in just 16 hrs. the surgery will begin! I am so ready to start my journey and experience my new birth tomorrow!!

I am doing all liquids and the bowel prep today. The bowel prep is some NASTY NASTY stuff. No problems with being hungry today. That stuff is making me !!! I had to drink it twice and gagged it down both times. I accidently picked up the "ginger-lemon" flavor... they were out of the unflavored. Omgosh. Never in my life have EVER tasted anything as nasty. I literally had to go mind over matter and make myself swallow. And then I stood over the sink for 5 mins after talking myself out of puking. I am so glad I'm done with that stuff. Now it's trips to the potty and clear liquids for the rest of the day. I can handle that.

I have almost everything packed. I am sending DJ to clean out, sweep and wash the Expedition and also having him pick up some nail polish remover and white shoe polish. Remover for me. Shoe polish for the girls. Oh, and he is going to a friends house to pick up "Grey's Anatomy" seasons 1 and 2 on DVD for me to watch during my recovery phase. Love that show!!!

We are taking the kids to the family members they are staying with around 8:30 p.m. and then will come back here and hit the hay. We have to be out of house by 4:15 a.m. at the latest. I'm getting ready to color my hair, then shower and throw the last bit of stuff into the suitcase.

So I guess that's it. This is really happening. The next time you hear from me I'll be on the loser's side!


tick tock...

Apr 14, 2007

42 hours 'til cutting time!!

So I'm am like a mad woman getting this house into shape. I can always tell when I'm either mad or nervous b/c I clean. And clean. And clean some more. Today I am going at it but boy it feels good and will feel even better when I get home and can rest and re-coup in a clean house! I have laundry going and am getting ready to throw everyone's bedding in. I love a clean, fresh bed. I cleaned out the fridge and scrubbed everything down in there. Still have the truck to do, but I am assigning that one to DJ. I am packing everyone's stuff as I get the laundry done so that is easy. Ahh... I feel great.
I have zero appetite today. I've been sipping coffee all day and water and took one bite of some pizza I fixed for the kids for lunch. I'm just not thinking about food at all. That is so weird to me. I really thought that I'd go wild on this "last day". I guess I really am ready to do this 100% whole heartedly. I'm not saying I won't mourn the loss of food or anything, but I can say that right now, I'm not concerned with it. I'm ready to do this!!

I have gotten such great support. It is awesome to see people really back you and believe in something that you are doing. I honestly thought I'd get a lot of negativity here and in my life w/ family and friends around me, but those comments have really been few and far between. Either people are happy for me, or they are following the ole, "if you can't say something nice..." rule. Either way I'm enjoying the absent of negativity.

I am going to give myself a manicure tonight...no nail polish though. I am going to wax my eyebrows too.

I am so excited!


About Me
New Haven, OH
Location
27.1
BMI
RNY
Surgery
04/16/2007
Surgery Date
Oct 30, 2006
Member Since

Before & After
rollover to see after photo

Friends 94

Latest Blog 51
new blog
19 days post op
16 days post op-
2 weeks post op
12 days post op
11 days post op
10 days post op!
I MADE IT!!! Day 3 post-op!!
16 hrs. to go...
tick tock...

×