AmyDee123

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Yes, my period is finally here!  I am hoping this means that my bloating will be gone soon, and that my weight loss will pick up again.  I am so frustrated with my losing.  Now I just have to get through the next week of pain and hell.  But I am happy to see my period finally.  I was wondering when it was going to show up and if I was going to go a full month without it or not.  Not that I would mind, but I'd rather be regular and deal with the pain then not.

It also explains why this morning I was up a pound on my first weigh in.  That usually goes down through the day.  We will see if it does.  Now lets see how I do with my cravings.

I have had to reflect a lot today.  And I really focused on the things I miss.  Not to make myself sad, but to give myself a chance to see what I will have again, what I am glad is out of my life, and what I can't live without and am struggling with.

My period.  I don't miss it, but its overdue.  And I am in a hormonal cyclone waiting for it.  I have had my monthly skin breakout last the last 3 weeks now, and I can tell my appetite and emotions are out of whack from it all as well.  I just want to get back on the regular schedule so I can have some normalcy.

Wine.  Yes, I miss it.  I miss having a glass on the weekends with dinner.  I miss drinking with my friends.  And I am amazed at how much my friends drink!  I am not going to drink till I am at goal because I don't want to hurt my liver, but dang it this is not easy!  But I will have it again.

Sex.  I'm not having as much as I was before.  My husband and I have (had) a very active sex life and since surgery it has been very little.  Its a combination of in the beginning him being afraid to hurt me, me being in pain, and now just being so tired and my muscles always cramping up.  That sucks.  This will change soon.

Oreos.  Or anything sweet.  Trust me, I can do the no bread, no potatoes, all meat and brussels sprouts diet.  But I am a sugar junkie.  I miss sweets.  I miss cookies.  Or cake.  I was never a big person for ice cream.  But cakey things I want.  Bad.  Unless I can figure something out I am never having these things again.

Being hydrated!  I used to chug water.  All day every day.  It is so hard for me not to do it now!  I want to, I miss it so badly!!  I just want to be hydrated again.  Fully hydrated like I used to be. 2 gallons a day down, not barely getting the 64oz.

Cereal.  I miss honey bunches of oats.  I miss any honey coated cereal.  I love cereal.  I really do.  I can't do that ever again.  I love it more than sweets.  Its dangerous.

My energy levels.  They are non existent anymore.  I passed out in the van after grocery shopping today.  That is dumb.  I should not be that tired.  I need to get my iron levels checked out.

My stall breaks, and then my bad dreams come back.  It always involves me losing my family.  either in whole or in part.  In this 2 hours of sleep I lost all of my children to the same type of cancer.  And it all happened fast and without us unable to be there.  My husband was working so hard that he could barely care.  I woke up so angry and so sad.  And immediately wanted to run upstairs and wake them up and hug them and cover them in kisses, but that would freak them out.

I am sure that it has to do with my stress I am going through right now.  And I know that we hormone dump when we lose weight.  I just wish my dreams were vivid and of a happier nature.  

But I am down to 308 this morning.  I can't smile about it yet, but I am slowly getting there.  

I have a birthday party to go to this Saturday and I ordered a pretty new dress from Torrid.  well it arrived today and not only does it for but it's actually a little big in the top!   I was expecting it to be a little small and to have to wear Spanx and squeeze in.   My mother is coming over to do my nails and toes,  I haven't figured out what shoes I am going to wear.   I started this at a size 32 and this dress is a 24.  Most stiff in 24 I can wear but some stuff I still can't.   I have a pretty pair of red jeans I have held onto for years and never worn.   They are 24s and I can't get them on yet.   But I know I will! 

Its weird.  For the first time in a long time I do not feel shame.  I do not feel ugly.  I actually feel good about myself.  I have made plans to get my brows done (although the woman is booked till 2016) and I want to get my nails done, toes done, I ought a new dress online.  I can't wait to actually go and buy hair products for my new haircut.  Its amazing how I feel like it should put myself first.  My husband says "Finally" and he has been pushing me to do things for myself for years.  I just never felt like I was worth it.

So I cut all my hair.  I used to have red curls just past my shoulders.  But lately its been so dry no matter how many treatments and oils I use.  And its just breaking and falling out like crazy.  I know its the dietary changes and the hormones, but I had to do something.  So last night my husband and I, equipped with dull scissors and the dog's clippers set at 1 inch, and we set to clipping.  It felt so good.  and the hair that is left is short, healthy, full and dark red.  No frizz or dryness.  

I am determined to drink a lot of water for the rest of the month.  I have told myself I am allowed 1 ICE drink a day, but the rest of the day I need to drink water, pure and simple.  And I am going to set up mini goals for myself each week.  So this week it is 2 Red Cups (32 ounces each) of water on top of the ICE drink (24 ounces), 80g of protein a day, carbs under 20g.  That is my daily mark for all this week.  Once I have done that well for a while I am going to start weeding out certain foods I have become too reliant on.  Like so much cheese.  I use way too much cheese.  I need to get on a simple track and do 6 small meals a day with meat in each meal.  

I have a party to go to on Saturday, and i am wigging out over it.  I have no idea why.  I guess because it is taking place in my FAVORITE italian restaurant and their fettuccine is spectacular!  hand made noodles every morning, heavy cream sauce, and they give you a dish of garlic on the side for you to add to it if you like.  its so amazing.  Their bread is amazing too.  But I am going to get the bacon wrapped tenderloin with asparagus.  I'm only going to eat a few of the tips, not the stalks, if I even get to them.  And I can take the rest of the meal home.  But the party is for a good friend who's birthday it is, and they have a rum cake they are making for her.  Its sinfully good.  And I can't partake.  I def don't want to.  I don't want to dump, and its not on plan, but when this cake enters the room you can smell it.  The frosting, the cherries, the rum.  All the rum.  LOL  Its to die for.  I told The Man he would have to eat a piece, then describe it to me later in hushed voices undercover in bed.  Ultimate food porn.  LOL  But today i am going to go to a store and pick out a new dress to wear to the party.  That is exciting!  Plus I am going to go to the nail salon and get my nails done.  Although it might be a bit early to do that for this weekend, so I will wait to see if that happens today.  Might want to wait till thursday or friday.

I have these red jeans in my drawer that I am afraid to try on.  They will be fitting soon, if they don't already, but i am afraid of disappointment.  I already have a bunch of tank tops I can't wear cause they are still too small and I really got my hopes up about.  But who knows, maybe by the weekend they will fit.  I could go with a rocker look for the party.  Tank top, red jeans, black boots and my black leather jacket.  possible.

At least I saw 310 this morning.  We will hold off to see what happens tomorrow.  If I lost again then my stall is officially over!!  That would make it almost 2 weeks that I stalled out.  Stalls totally suck.  Like, hard.

I'm in the start of week 4 now.  I am deep in the 3rd week stall.  Doc said it will take longer for me to get out of the 3rd week stall because I had 2 surgeries.  Its not any fun at all.  I keep fluctuating between 313 and 311.  I just want to reach 50 pounds lost, and I'm so close to getting into the 200s.  I finally read up on why the 3rd week stall happens, and it makes sense.  It helps me get through this a little easier, but it sucks that my second surgery is going to prolong things.  On top of it all I am inches away from my period (actually a few days late) which in the past has always stalled my loss.  I have a feeling I will not see the scale move till the last 2 days of my period.

On the sex front (yes, I'm going there, so stop reading if you don't want to hear about it) last night we were able to be amorous without pain in any way.  Several positions, and my abdomen did not cramp up or sting in any way.  YAY!  One thing that I did notice, however, was that my knees and hip felt really loose in the joints, and seemed to bend more than before which is a good thing but also got scary uncomfortable.  Hard to explain.  The Man said he definitely can tell that I am losing and pointed out all the differences afterwards.  That was almost as good as the sex to hear all the positive changes!  Especially with the stall going on.  Anything positive is a bonus.  We also noticed that my skin is very different.  Its not tight and stretched over my body.  Its softer, looser, but definitely drier (less fat in the diet) and needs regular moisturizer.  The only bad part of the whole night...my boobs are deflating.  I plan on plastics after I get to goal, but its definitely a place I am losing fat from.  That makes me sad.

Today we have a lot of shopping and stuff to do.  We will see how I do with the walking.  My energy is still not back, and a walk around 1 store really wipes me out usually.  We will see how 3 stores goes.  I just need to keep honest with myself and not get too tired because I have a tendency to pass out when my energy gets too low.

I have measured my meals religiously for the last week or so and it made a world of difference.  But one thing I am finding is that sometimes I can only eat 1 ounce and sometimes its 4 ounces.  Tonight's dinner was one of those 1 ounce moments.  I was hungry and I ended up eating 3 ounces.  Italian sausage and stewed brussel sprouts.  I never got a full signal, nothing.  I ate really slow.  About 20 minutes after I finished my stomach just felt sore, stuffed, and I felt like food was rising in my throat.  I ended up vomiting up about 2 ounces then laid in bed rubbing my belly to sooth it after being sick.  I almost passed out from it all.  Now I am SO THIRSTY!  But i'm afraid to have anything to drink in case it just over fills me again.

One thing, and this gets gross (sorry), but when I used to drink with meals if I threw up it was wet and so much easier.  Now that I am not drinking with meals it is REALLY not pleasant throwing up.  Its dry and tough to get up.  It makes me feel like drinking something if I know I am going to throw up.  Just so its not such a difficult thing.

I lose a week of productive weight loss each month.  a few days before my period my weight loss always stops completely.  Sometimes I even go up a pound or two.  HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE?!  I am getting about 600 to 800 calories a day and not absorbing all of that, so how in the world is it possible that I am gaining.  Cause of the water!  I blow up like a water balloon right before my period and I HATE IT!  Its not fair!  Plus on top of it I am already in pain and lethargic!  Now I have to be in pain more and even more tired and not wanting to do anything!  

I was losing 2 pounds a day.  Then Friday it went to one pound a day.  Sunday it stopped all together at 313.  Then yesterday I GAINED!  Today I am back at 313 and still not moving.  I know its just water.  And I know I am most likely losing underneath all this water.  But its so frustrating.  Its interfering with my goals.  

Its not like it was overboard, but omg I ate so much cheese this weekend, and I had some chips.  :(  I'm dissapointed in myself for the choice of chips, but looking at my food diary Saturday and Sunday were both just a few points under 1000 calories each day.  Most importantly, I can never bring cashews into this house again.  OMG!  They are a weakness for me, and they go down so easily.  And it just results in high sodium levels, high calories, and me overeating for my little pouch and having pain.  

And the cheese.  So much cheese!  Its on plan and ok, but the calorie totals go high very quickly, so I am backing off on that for a bit.  I'm actually going to try my premier protein shakes again today, and focus on pure protein meals.  Tonight is a barber foods unbreaded chicken cordon blue.  Had it for lunch yesterday and just died over how yummy it was and how well it worked for me.  Tons of protein and low calories!  I can do that everyday!  I am also going to wilt some spinach tonight with a little oil and vinegar.  I am jonesing for something green and if I don't get something soon I might lose it.  I'm actually craving brussel sprouts but I'm worried those are too hard so I am going to wait a bit on those.  

My scale told me how badly I did this weekend.  With all the salt and the chips, my weight loss stopped for the day.  I'm early enough to lose everyday so its important for me to get back on this.  This is the time for me to be losing the most and I need to take advantage of that.

I will toot my own horn though.  As drunk as saturday night was for our party, I remained sober the entire night and had a blast!  I carried around my giant red solo cup filled with ice water and stayed hydrated and on plan.  Trust me, I wanted wine badly.  I made shots for the group multiple times.  And I think each person went through at least 1 bottle of red each.  I wanted it bad.  But I want my liver to be healthy even more.  And there is no sense in sending me to the hospital with alcohol poisoning because my liver can't handle the processing right now.