ANewDayforRose

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I got an email from one of my OH friends asking how my journey was.  I'm not sure she expected to receive such a long reply!  I decided that I would use most of that reply as a blog post.

Well...I went in for a fill in March and after about a month I went back because I was not able to eat any fruits or veggies and I was having heart burn everyday and I asked for some fluid out.  I had lost some weight initially after the fill but then began to gain again.  The NP and the PA tag teamed me and told me that the band was not working for me and that I should convert to the bypass.  They said I was not too tight at all and the PA seemed really irritated when I insisted that she take fluid out.  I asked her to take 2 cc's out.  She said 'you're not going to lose weight if I take fluid out'  I said I'm not losing weight now and I have heartburn all the time and I can't eat fruits and vegetables.  That's when she told me to convert to the bypass.  I felt totally defeated.  I did get the 2 ccs out and I feel a lot better.  I can still tell I have a band (I think I have about 8 ccs in my band). 

I've been in the middle of a huge transition in my life (leaving my job, moving, returning to school).  The last 2 weeks I've been walking for 30+ minutes several times a week (not quite every day) and I've been focusing on the gabriel method way of eating which what I took from it was when you eat ask yourself where is the progein, where is the live food and where is the omega 3.  I don't do it everytime, but it's a start.  Check out the Gabriel Method on Amazon.  It's worth the read!  It's quite inspriation, certainly not a quick fix, it is more about changing who you are. 

What I have come to realize is that the band helps with not allowing you to eat a lot of food fast.  That, unfortunately, is only a small part of the problem for me.  And so the band only helped a little for me!  I do not think converting to the bypass is the best solution for me either.  I am afraid that I would end up being one of the bypass failures as well (like the guy on Biggest Loser).  There is more to being overweight that the amount of food we eat.  I need to address the emotional eating aspect.  I need to address the exercise aspect.  I need to figure out who I want to be.  I want to be a person who likes to move their body.  I want to be a person who finds a way to deal with emotions rather than eating ice cream or chips (and not just a little either).  So one step at a time.  I'm not back to square one - I'm still down about 30 pounds from where I was when I went for my initial consult almost 2 years ago.  I'm a band failure (in the eyes of my bariatric center) but I am not a failure as a person.  So I'm no longer focused on the band.  I am focused on re-inventing myself (which I wish I had been able to do when I had the surgery, but things happen the way they do).

So that's my story for now!

I'll whisper this so as not to jinx myself....but my weight is dropping again.  I haven't been this low in many months.  In June last year I was 27 pounds down from my surgery.  I think I've been in a bad dream these last 9 months?  I think the Gabriel Method and the hypnosis MP3 are working for me, at least for now.  Shhhhh....

Time for an update.  I've moved from the Gabriel Method night time tape/MP3 to a hypnosis mp3 file for sugar addiction.  I see a difference!  I feel more motivated, less stuck in this rut, etc. 

I had a fill 2 weeks ago.  She pulled out 10 ccs and put in .5 ccs, I was too full and puked the water, so she took out .25 (basically a drop).  So I'm full up.  It was an eye opener for me.  I realized that the issue IS me.  Yikes. 

So I was observing my eating the last 2 weeks and realized that it was the sugar cravings that was doing me in.  So this weekend I did find that MP3 hypnosis download for sugar cravings.   Yesterday and today I made a cooked vegetable to bring into work.  Both times I eat a little and feel uncomfortable.  Hmmmm.  Last week I was able to eat frozen WW dinners, but this week cooked cauliflower and broccoli makes me feel uncomfortable?  So I am confused by that.    I was on liquids on Sunday (prepping for a colonscopy), but Monday I ate fine, but didn't have veggies.  (Wait...I did throw up part of my lunch, but I thought that was because I ate too fast)  So I"m not sure what is going on.   So I'm trying to figure out if I'm too tight or not.  I haven't thrown them up, but feel them in the pouch. 

So that's my story.  I'm pressing on....nothing else to do but that!

Oy....I'm just not ready to throw in the towel (although some days I try to forget that I actually HAD surgery).  So I did really well after my fill...until I stopped doing well  - so I lost about 8 and now I am up a pound or two.  I don't get it - well that is obvious!!!  But it is the same 10 pound span that I have lost and gained multiple times since last July.  I've not been focused on weight loss that is for sure.  Since August I've been focused on my work crises and on my frozen shoulder.  If excuses are needed, I'll take that.  But of course there is always a good reason.  

So last Saturday I downloaded the Gabriel Method to my kindle.  I downloaded the MP3 file from the website to listen to as I fall asleep and I've been listening to that for the last week too.  I finished the book yesterday.  There is a little bit of new stuff there.   And overall I like all the stuff he has thrown in.  It's all stuff I've tried in the past - eating better, omega 3s, visualization, self-hypnosis, affirmations, positive thinking, etc.  The new stuff for me is his theory that our bodies are operating from a biological/survival stance and our bodies think it is in our best interests to stay fat, and that is why we cannot lose.  His theory is that the fat programs get turned on because our bodies think it is in our best interest and so we have to turn them off.  They get turned on with chronic stress - both physical and emotional.  So it takes away that sting of failure and gives you a different approach to the same problem.  

So...I think I'm seeing some positive results as far as my thinking and my eating.  He says that when we eat we need to think of 3 things - where is the live food, where is the omega 3s, and where is the protein.    So that has been my approach for the last 2 days....and I have to say I like it!  And my appetites at least for the last 2 days has been decreased.  So I'm hopeful.  It can't hurt anyway.  Ohh....he mentions Khalia Ali and she is also on his website.  He counseled her before and after her lapband and she Incorporated some of his methods with her band.   

For me, the band and the approach I've taken with the band is not giving me results.  So this method deals more with what is behind the getting/staying fat....so let's hope this nets better results for me!

Had the fluoro on Tuesday.  The doctor seemed annoyed with his instructions from the NP - to pull out all the fluid to see how much was in there.  He pulled out 7.5 ccs and said that you can never pull it all out so there may be 2 ccs still in there.  He did not think I had a leak.  He put in another 1.5 ccs.

So....I guess if I'm not losing then it is me!  It could be that I just do not experience the band like everyone else.  I guess that's possible?  What I thought the band could do for me is not really possible for me, at least from the past year I will say that.  I thought it would tell me 'you're done', I thought it would make me not think about food (had read posts from other bandsters that said just that), I thought it would make me not feel hunger (read posts about that too).  From this past year what my band has told me is that I can eat anything I want in any quantity, as long as I eat slow.  I don't believe anyone WANTS to get around the band.  But it does happen.  As they say they band is around your stomach, not your mind. 

I need a supportive environment to succeed.  In the beginning I was counting calories and the dietitian said I didn't need to do that.  Well that screwed me up.  I'm hyper-sensitive to criticism and I took it as criticism.  In fact I've taken just about all comments from my bariatric center as criticism.  I guess I don't like feeling vulnerable and having to admit that 1) I need help, and 2) I don't know how to do it.  So any words of correction have been viewed by me as criticism.  And they always set me back.  I've never connected with the NP and  in fact my first meeting with her before the surgery infuriated me.  They have added a new PA and luckily I have my appointment with her in March.  I hope she is better, I hope we can connect.  I hope I can feel supported.  I hope I can make that clear to her that I need to feel supported.   

There are posters on the the lap-band board that have no tolerance for people who are not succeeding.  There is no environment for assistance with strugglers.  The messages back are that you are stupid, you are uniformed, you are lazy, you are sabotaging, etc.  That is not a supportive environment.  And that is just what I've seen - I have not posted my failure except in response to others who are struggling. 

Okay all my bitching is done. 

My new goal is to be 'obese'.  For me that's 232.  And I'd like to be there by July 11th when I go to away that weekend.  I bought some foods from bariatricchoice.com to help supplement my day with a bit more protein, especially if I need snacks.  I got them Thursday and I already notice a difference (or it could be the new fill).  My new approach is to try to eat as little as possible and be satisfied.  I know, I know, why didn't I try this before.  Oh well.  It's all a process.  I have to forgive my failings and move forward.  So it's been 6 days - doing well.  To be continued.

So I had an appt with the NP Jan 15 and she said she thought I was able to eat too much and thought I needed another fill.  I said okay, I'll trust her opinion...but geez I've had 4 fills, 3 under fluoro and each time I had fluoro they put in 3 ccs.  That to me would mean I should have a really full band.  So I asked her to talk to him about pulling the fluid out.  Well the fluoro is scheduled for tomorrow.  (I found out today - that's a story in itself, but I can go so no problem).  I'm really nervous about it.  I'm afraid the doctor is going to be mad at me, or worse, disgusted with me.  What if he pulls the fluid out and I do have 9 ccs in my band??  Then am I just a huge band failure??  I admit I give up and eat crap for days on end.  But isn't the band supposed to help with that?  Perhaps I didn't understand the band as much as I thought??  I really thought I was very well informed.  I really thought I knew what I was getting into.  I really thought this was the answer for me.  If I find out tomorrow that my band IS full and it's just me, how will I come to grips with that?  I'm going to be so embarrassed.  I'm going to feel humiliated.   But at least I'll know.    Without knowing....well that's no good either.  I feel like I'm floundering with the band.  I don't feel supported by the center, I don't like the NP and don't like what she has to say.  I wanted someone to tell ME what to expect, how it should be etc, but I feel like I've spent the last year telling her what it should be like. But on the boards they say....and in this book it says....etc.  I have felt like she was uninformed.  Okay this could be me...some personality quirk in me.  Oy.  I hate to say it but I'm really hoping he tells me there is a leak and I need surgery.  I would feel some vindication for a dismal weight loss this last year.  I will feel that there is still some hope for losing weight with the band!

Oh....I pd'd tonight.  yeah, really.  I think the soy chips I ate got stuck a little.  So....doesn't that mean I DO have some restriction?????  In less then 12 hours I will know...this will angst will be over with.  I will know if there is a problem with the band, or with my attitude!

Well I guess it's time for an update.  I went back on WW and lost most of what I had gained (again).  I had an appointment at the bariatric center on Thursday.  The NP said I was eating too much and needed another fill.  Really?  So okay I'm trying to allow the professionals to do their job and she said she was going to schedule yet another fill under fluoro for me.  So I said to her - I have had 3 fills under fluoro and he has put 3 ccs in each time, but he doesn't pull it out to show what in there and I'm concerned I have a leak.  (I mean really....if all my fills went in I'd have 11 ccs in my 10 cc band, and she says I'm still eating too much).  Now I don't WANT to have a leak, but geez if I have one let's find out now and fix it.  So either there is a leak or some other problem, or I'm just a freak with the band.  What if there is a leak??  I have been blaming myself all these months for not doing well....perhaps it IS the band!  So I'm anxious about this - if it's a leak it means surgery again, right?  And if it's not a leak it means I AM a band failure.  Not good either way!  I know I've been sick of trying with the band, and I don't like the message board anymore because I can't really participate with any good news.  It's been almost  a year and I'm down 23 pounds.  How pathetic is that?  Yup better than gaining, but certainly not where I thought I'd be after a year. 

Well I've spent yet another week eating crap and lots of it.  And puking, and then eating again. It's sick, sick, sick.  Did I get the band to become a vomiter???  I felt like a dog who eats its own vomit.  Okay I didn't do that  () but that's how I felt.  Lots of self loathing associated with this eating behavior.  So I was on WW one week and lost 6 pounds, then spent the next week eating garbage and puking, and refused to weigh myself, so I tried yesterday and today I'm fully back on WW.  And I feel sane again.  Who am I?  Who do I want to be?  I think of myself as someone who is health conscious!  I think of myself as a reasonable person!  I think of myself as a proactive person!  But my eating behavior tells a different story.  Obesity is a chronic disease. 

I've been having a lot of discomfort in my shoulder and arm (frozen shoulder).  I also was told this past week that I'm being forced to take a position that I turned down last summer.  Now there is no choice.  This change will take place Feb 2 (my birthday!)  So there was certainly a lot of things against my desire to be health conscious and proactive with my eating/band. 

I can eat a BK double bacon cheeseburger and onion rings (1000 calories), but cannot eat 2 turkey sausage breakfast patties (100 calories) without throwing up.  

I went to my group Monday night.  The dietitian was there and she was actually good.  When I met with her in person I hated her and thought her info was stupid, but in the group I liked her and liked what she had to say.   But I must say I left the group feeling a little down.  I'm a rebellious person apparently.  I do not believe what 'authorities' tell me.  I have to research it myself, or find out by trial and error.  Oh I'm sure that this is some psychological defect of mine which is a combination of my born personality and my upbringing.  But at 47 this probably is  not going to change.  This is who I am.  And this is also why I am struggling with my weight loss. 

When I chose weight loss surgery it was because I was done with dieting.  Done with trying and I wanted help.  I have been disappointed that the band does not help me more.  But the band is not the bypass or the DS, so the band is still all about calories in, calories burned.  On Thursday night I worked late.  For some reason working late means to me that I need a food treat.  Part of it is that I'm overly hungry and so I start craving 'bad' foods.  So to burger king I went.  And i ate the whole thing!  I was slow....but it all went down. 

I've resisted the band rules from day 1.  The dietitian says I don't need to diet, but I need to follow band rules.  I say the band rules ARE a diet.   The rules are triggering that rebellion in me.  And so I am in no man's land...or no band's land.  I've struggled with that for 10 months.  Okay...I think I'm finally willing to accept the rules!  I'm not a slow learner, I'm a rebellious person!  So today I was back on the band-wagon.  I ate my 2 turkey sausage patties.  I've eaten them before and thrown up, but because I could eat that whole BK meal I thought maybe my band loosened up or something so I ate the sausage.  It didn't work for me, again.

So my new plan is to try to work on a rule or 2 at a time.  Rules that I resist are stopping my meal at 30 minutes.  So that is going to be the first rule I try to master.  I'm good with the chewing and not drinking with meals.  Harder rules will be no sweets.  I'm not even going there yet.  

So that's where I'm at.  I get discouraged when I read the posts on the boards and even when I go to the group because I'm not doing as well.  I do finally have restriction though, but that's not the end of the story apparently.  This journey is going to have to be my own.  And apparently a good portion of that journey is working around the rebellion and the need to treat myself with food. 
 

I weighed myself this morning - I've actually been forgetting to weigh myself this week.  I was pleasantly surprised.  I've lost 8.2 pounds since my fill Nov 14.  I'm still up from last June, but I'll take it.  Hopefully it continues to go down.