ANGELINA6501

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Today makes 1 week post op. This week has not been easy, but it has been manageable. Physically I am feeling better, but still have some pain. Incisions are healing nicely; the large incision will take longer of course. Giving myself blood thinners, this morning was a bit of a disaster when I tried to put the needle in. Hurt like hell and I don't know if I got all of the medication in. Have large lumps at injection sites which is supposed to be normal. It hurts! Oh well.

Liquids are difficult, Have not yet been able to hit 64 oz and definitely have not gotten my calories or protein goals met. Drinking makes me nauseous sometimes - I know, welcome to the club! I am working like crazy today to get it all in. I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I have a timer set for every 15 minutes to have a drink, and if I am feeling thirsty earlier than that, I take a sip. Protein drinks are nasty. I have a go to recipe that works, but I can imagine I'll get tired of it after a while. Able to sleep in my bed, with my CPAP, but only on one side. My back, shoulders, hips, legs and arms are sore from propping myself up at night, even with the pillows.

Emotionally, I have been trying to stay on an even keel. Brief moments of tears (1 minute cry and only 1 day). It was because of my husband's behavior. Remembering I can't change him, only me. My overall emotion today is anger. Angry that I had to come to the surgery as a last resort. Angry because I want to just be normal and God did not have that as my plan. Trying to understand why, but I know I will not have any answers and any answers will not be easy ones to accept. I am angry because other than health problems that obesity brings, society has pushed me to this surgery. I will never be thin. According to society, my life will be perfect when I am thin. But in reality, my life will not be perfect. I will never be a model or someone to worship. I will never be worthwhile in the eyes of society, thin or obese.

Surgery is not a cure all. Surgery will never allow me to be thin. If I would have realized this, I may have reconsidered going through this process. Trying to accept that I may not reach ONEderland is pretty difficult. I will be smaller, but not thin. Then what? All this pain and mental shit for a measly 70 lbs. This is not going to be acceptable to me. Surgeon said that a 70 -80 lb loss is attainable, but I will still be over 200#'s. If I'm going to still be fat, I want to eat whatever the 'F' I want! If I will be eating less, I want to get to my goal of 135.

I was finally feeling excited this year, my husband is working and he is in a better mood this Christmas. We decided to put up a tree (last year we did not.) We have the financial means to give gifts. I should be happy. But now after this surgery, I am not feeling so excited. I would be ok sleeping the whole day away and avoiding everyone. It isn't necessarily about the food (though I would love to eat), it is about my embarrassment and depression. I am tired of talking about my WLS, but I understand people are curious and concerned. But I will buck up and act like all things are great. This is what my family expects from me and I don't want to upset them. This was one reason why I didn't back out of surgery. I didn't want to disappoint them.

My therapist dropped me because I was unable to make some appointments and then due to surgery and being unable to drive, she thought it best if I just was dropped from the practice and then come back and do another intake. So right now I have no mental health support. So much for being understanding or accommodating - I would have been glad to do weekly phone sessions while I can't drive. Guess that is not acceptable.

Is being thin my only goal? No. I want to be healthy. But what does that mean? To me, Healthy = thin. I will never be thin; I will never be healthy.

Maybe tomorrow I'll feel differently. I'll be able to eat some hot cereal and stuff tomorrow.

I know my emotions are supposed to be up and down. Happily, I can say that I have been feeling pretty well these last few days. Hubby has been fairly supportive, and so has my family. I have been saying that I wanted to go to the dollar tree to get a little walk in and pick up a few things - not a long trip, just to get out of the house. Hubby was ok with that. Today, when I mentioned it again, he said he didn't want to be going to the store everyday and that I should have told him what I needed yesterday. Well, yesterday, I did tell him that I wanted to go to the dollar tree. He was ok with that yesterday, but today he was like " what do you need there??" I wanted to get a gift for his dad and look for popsicle makers. Also, Today I needed more Lactaid milk - why does this stuff go bad so quickly??? Anyhow, he got slightly upset, and said that he couldn't wait until I can do stuff for myself. It has only been 5 days since surgery and I am still in pain. Running out of pain meds and all anyone can say is take tylenol. Tylenol doesn't help me. I have tried it many times for different types of pain with no luck. Pain gives me panic attacks. I was hoping that my hubby would be understanding a little bit more. I told him I will get in the car and go get what I need myself. In fact, I am going to ask my mom to come down - I want to get out of the house and check out the Christmas-y lights and stores. I wanted to do that with my husband, but he is not willing to do so. I am trying to understand his point of view, but I only see selfishness. I do most of the things around the house the majority of the time so I kind of expect a bit of help for maybe 2 weeks. He was supposed to take care of the cats - feed them (nope, I've been doing that) and clean the litter box (yes, he has done that). However, I'll call someone else who won't mind so much to take me to the store.  - Just feeling like I'm "in the way."

Yesterday I had an EGD and it all went fine, except for the IV. I have small veins (why can't everything else be small??) and they had to use a pediatric IV. They stuck me twice before the anesthesiologist came to try. He numbed my hand with Lidocaine and thankfully was able to get the IV going. No problems with the Propofol or the Fentanyl. Woke up quickly and felt good. They had to use a nasal tube to help me breathe, which I was scared about. Ha, it was no big deal. Sipped some ginger ale and had applesauce, then later had some chicken noodle soup and a biscuit. Doc said stomach looks good, mild gastritis and a slight hiatal hernia which the surgeon may fix while she is in there. Took a biopsy to test for H. Pylori. Today, I have a slight sore throat and mild stomach pains. Overall, this procedure was a good test run for my VSG. I'm slightly less nervous.

Today was my last appointment with my surgeon before surgery. I voiced my concerns about the nausea from the pain meds and she assured me that they have a plethora of anti-nausea meds and I'll get the scopolamine patch along with Zofran in the IV and then whatever else I would need to control the nausea. Wonder why my anesthesiologist told me that they only use Zofran? My surgeon was quite surprised when I told her. They will use Propofol and then I'll get a Dilaudid PCA pump afterwards. Will send me home with Dilaudid. I've not had Dilaudid before, so I hope I can tolerate it ok. They will catheterize me while I'm out and I'll have to have that until the next day. As long as I can tolerate liquids and have manageable pain, I'll be sent home the next day.

Monday starts my 8 day liquid diet. 7 days of protein drinks and all the diet/calorie free liquids, SF Popsicles and jellos I want. The last day is clear fluids only. Tuesday, December 16th will be the beginning of my new life! I can do this, in fact, I HAVE to do this. I am young and I want to be healthy. I am doing this for me, my husband and my family. I finally feel like I am worth it and that I deserve this. It took a long time to beat the depression that always held me back and made me feel worthless. I am thankful that I have been given this opportunity to get healthy and I'm going to rock my sleeve!

I found out on Friday that my insurance approved my surgery, but wanted to wait until I had 'hard' proof. Saturday's mail arrived and there it was! You have been approved for Bariatric Surgery! At first I was really excited, because there was speculation that insurance would not approve because of regaining a few pounds and I was silently reconsidering surgery. Now, after a few days, I don't seem to feel any sort of emotion at all towards my surgery. Like I am mentally numb. After the past 6 months of appointments, therapy, lost records, stress and worry, changing eating habits and working hard to wrap my mind around having most of my stomach removed, I think I am just worn out. Maybe I am in shock.

I still have 3 more appointments to go; anesthesiologist on Nov 28th, Endoscopy on Dec 3rd and then a final meeting with the surgeon on Dec 4th. As long as those go well, my 8 day liquid diet starts Dec 8th and surgery will be Dec 16th.

I'm not feeling scared or worried about the procedure. I'm not upset at missing Christmas dinner. In fact, I have felt more relaxed and free these last few days. I'm trying to enjoy that feeling, because I know it will be replaced with other, less positive feelings later on (hormones and all that jazz!)

What I am worried about is getting everything organized - my house, purchasing vitamins/protein things, that sort of thing. I have some school assignments to finish up the semester (I'm in college), decorate for Christmas and take care of all the gifts and such before I go into the hospital. These next 4 weeks are going to fly by with all this keeping me busy. It might be a blessing to have these distractions, as I won't be consciously thinking about the surgery all the time.

One step at a time will get me there!

So after a rough day yesterday at the Weight Loss clinic - I have to lose 7 lbs by Nov 12. I regained and so now I'm really under pressure to lose before they submit to insurance. I am embarrassed but I am committed to this surgery so I've got to do it!

Any way, I mentioned to the receptionist that I had felt a little short-changed when I met with the surgeon; I didn't think I had ample time to ask questions. Unfortunately, they could not give me additional time at my next appt. with her. Then, today I received a call from the WL clinic - they had contacted my surgeon, who was traveling back to PA from California, and told her I was concerned. The surgeon then called me and answered all of my questions. She was understanding and apologetic. I was impressed with her answers. She comes highly recommended from a Center of Excellence. I went from feeling like backing out of the surgery, to being more confident and less anxious.

I am more committed than ever! Ready to be sleeved on Dec 16th!

My surgery date is December 16th, which is less than two months from now. I am ok with having my surgery around Christmas as I need to be on a break from college (so I can rest up without worrying over homework and tests.) My stepdaughter, 23, usually comes home for Christmas, just for a few days, then goes back home. This year, she had originally planned to go to Puerto Rico for Christmas. I was sad about that, but today she told us that she would be home for Christmas! Yay! Except, she has informed us that she will be bringing her cat home this time. We have 2 cats and have had her cat here before, but it was a situation that needed to be constantly monitored because they would hiss, fight, be territorial, etc.... It was always my responsibility to manage the 3 cats, keep on top of them, feed them and make sure no one is getting hurt. 

With my surgery being right before she comes home, with her cat (who really is a nice loving cat), I will not be able to do those sorts of things - moving the cats, constantly getting up quickly to break up a fight or whatever. I told both my husband and stepdaughter very firmly that I will NOT be able to do this this year, that it will be their responsibility to take care of them while I am recuperating. First thing my husband says is "I'm out of this, I'm not getting involved." My stepdaughter looked worried that she might have to take charge over her cat. (After the other incidents with the clashing of the cats, we've basically told her that because our cats don't like another cat in the house, and we were having family strife over this, that she was welcome home here, but not her cat - unless she is here watching over her kitty, or if she HAD to move back home.)Most of the time she comes "home," she stays at her grandparents house 2 minutes away from our home, so she may not be here all the time to take care of him.

Had to inform the husband that this is part of the help that I will need from him and over the last 6 months I have been explaining that I will need him to help me with a lot of things. See, I do all the "womanly stuff" like cleaning - never to his standards, but whatever :) , take care of the cats, make his lunches for work and then our dinner, grocery shop, etc....and I also go to college full time. And I have so many co-morbidities, that I cannot work a regular job (but can't get SS - that is another post) so I try to be the best "homemaker" I can. He complains a lot, is very protective of his personal time and hates changes to the routine. I have been trying to let him know that he will need to pick up some of these duties for a bit, until I am all healed. He has been supportive and says he will help; knows he will have to prepare his own meals for a while, vacuum and take care of the cats.  Then this comment tonight about not getting involved. I wasn't before, but I am now worried that on top of trying to heal and learn how to eat again, I will have to chase the cats around and do the housework. Maybe a little bit here and there I could do, but not all of it and not at the pace I do now. So Christmas. I love cats, I love my cats, I love my "grand" cat who is coming, but all 3 together has always been a struggle.

I am trying to be supportive and understanding that the cat cannot be left alone for over a week, but this is such bad timing. My husband will be at work all day, so I am afraid I will be left here with 3 cats and a household to manage. I don't want to have a poor outlook about this, and I am genuinely happy that my stepdaughter will be here for Christmas as that will bring me some joy, since I won't be able to eat all the goodies. I guess I'll keep taking it one day at a time. It's the only way I know how to live.