annmarie40
Random thoughts success/ failure and NSV's
Jun 25, 2015
Good Morning!
1st blog entry ever. I thought getting some thoughts out of my head and on paper would be very therapeutic. I am a mother of 2 grown children who no longer live with me :( and I will be a grandma in the fall. I have tried many diets over the years, some with great success which is why I have a full wardrobe size 12- 24 in the attic. Before surgery I started pulling all the boxes out of the attic and have had to take out everything in them, as I have dropped each size, then re-box them for salvation army. I am in my final sizes now, some 12's , some 14's, then large or extra large shirts depending on how they are cut. In the beginning it was extremely motivating to have to change out my wardrobe every month or two.
No one noticed the 25 lbs I dropped before surgery. People did not say anything until I had lost over 50 lbs. I get it, they had seen me drop the same 50 lbs 10 times over. I also wear my clothes lose as I can not stand to see fat rolls and it makes me uncomfortable for people to see mine. I prefer to not be noticed. I do not want the world to know I had surgery. I feel it comes with a stigma, that I have done nothing and the surgery did it all. That I have not really really really wanted that piece of pizza, or the adorable cupcake from the cupcake shop. They have no idea that we can eat all the carbs we want and they go down easy and are the leading cause to failure after surgery. I do not want to be under a microscope where everyone evaluates what I am eating and feels free to comment. If you think that is in my head it isn't. Over my many diets I have been asked, "you can have that on your diet?", "what made you decide to put the weight back on?" "I can see you are not on your diet anymore" and if I am doing well and sticking to it " Here, have a cupcake" no thank you "Oh it's just one" no thank you, it will just make me want another " You have to live a little, I had one" No.. no... no... no! By not discussing my weight, my surgery, my struggles, the exact number of lbs I have lost and by simply replying thank you to someone noticing my weight loss and when asked how much I lost I reply, I still have a long way to go, so I am focusing on the future. How much more do I plan on losing? I don't know where this journey will take me but I am going to keep going as long as I can.
So being at the thinnest I have been in 10-15 years, you would think I would feel skinny. You would be wrong. I am still fat. If I look up on the charts I am still waaayyyyy above my ideal weight. When I look at myself in the mirror, I still see me. As I sit writing this I still have a cushion of fat on my lap. However, random days, I break free from my thoughts and see a normal person. If I stand in a crowd and a picture is taken, I no longer stand out as the fat person in the picture. I am no longer twice the size of others. I blend. It is the best feeling ever. I like when people have to search to find me in a picture, not just point instantly. I blend. Best NSV ever!!!
So the food I eat does not conform to what people on this site believe to be the way to lose weight and be successful in the long run. I have chosen a different path than people who have been successful. I can not argue with that as they are 5 years + out from surgery and are successful. I will never be as far out as they are and will never be able to argue the point. I have accepted that and had actually stayed away from this site because of it. I am an emotional eater. Some people on this forum are bullies. They are mean bullies. If I did not ask you for advice or complain about my slow loss, then do not feel free to tell me what a failure I am since I am not taking the journey the exact way you believe it should be taken. I am following everything the doctor has advised me and I am different from you. We all have a food addiction, and a lot of similar stories on how we got here and what our triggers are, we are not the same. Just as every womens cycle and child birth experience is different, we all take this journey in our own way. If I whine about slow loss or ask for advice on how to lose more or push though a stall, then feel free to tell me that my choices in food are killing it.
SO now, what I eat. Typical day is tea with splenda and cream. Then I wait a while and have 2 eggs. Usually just the whites and give the yolks to the dog, as I have never liked them cooked. If it is a work day, I am too busy to think about lunch until 1 or 2 so usually just another cup of tea and lots of water. Lunch is typically 3 oz of protein then some vegtables. So yesterday I had a taco salad. A handful of cut up lettuce with small chunks of tomatoes and onions, topped with 1/2 cup of taco meat. I can never finish it I try to go back to it an hour or two later. Mostly I do not finish. Mid afternoon snack around 3 is either a handful of nuts, I have a small 3 oz container that I put them in so I do not accidently pick on too many, or tomatoes or cukes. When I get home I am tired and hungry and do not want to cook, so I grab a cheese stick to tide me over until I am ready to make dinner. Dinner is generally split. Chicken, ground beef or shrimp first around 4 oz. My measurements are not exact but I use 1 cup bowls and fill them half way to heat up and eat as much as I can. Then my fake hunger kicks in anytime after 7. That is when I have a piece of fruit or veggies. My big cheats--- when I am hormonal or super stressed and can not shut off the voice in my head, I choose smarter choices (yup this is where I get scolded) I eat skinny pop. Popcorn with olive oil and salt. single serving bag is 100 calories, takes a long time to eat, don't always finish it, 100% satisfaction. There was a month that I could not escape chocolate. I bought the sugar free kind and thought I could not shrug it as I had 2 pieces a week for 2 weeks, but that was 2 months ago and I have not craved it since. When my pizza craving was uncontrollable I made cauliflower pizza. Waaay too much work, but 100% worth it as it was the best pizza ever and poof, craving gone. That was 3 months ago. Last cheat is my fruit. I try to at one piece every day. Sometimes I eat a few pieces. Why?? Because otherwise I could easily go 3 weeks without going to the bathroom even with laxatives. I am not going to the hospital to have that issue corrected. Fruit works, so as long as that is true and I am not eating a lot of it and the weight is coming off, I will continue to eat it.
This brings me to my cruise vacation. I stayed on tract 90%. I allowed myself a taste of a few desserts, but just a taste. One forkful or one spoonful. Some days none at all. One morning I had 2 bites of a Danish. For all other meals it was plain protein first, then some vegg. I asked for everything with no sauce, no butter, no salt just plain. I also woke up by 5 every morning and went jogging on the top deck. It was so peaceful. I felt like the skinniest most successful person in the world when I did this. I also took walks with my husband throughout the day. The least amount of steps I had in was 18,000 one day. I almost hit 30,000 one day. Because I sit at work I have to work hard to get in 10000 at home and do not always make it. My last cheat was 3 glasses of wine (1 with dinner for 3 of the 7 days) I usually get swollen ankles on a cruise because of all the salt, but not this time. So I enjoyed myself, never felt deprived, never felt resentment towards others eating things I could not have. annnnnd NSV- I actually let people take my picture, took my own picture, and bought one of the ships pictures with me and my husband!!! So how did I do? I always wait a couple days to weigh myself after a cruise because of the water weight. So when I weighed myself I was down 3 lbs and the following week I was down 3 more. It was the most I had lost in a long time. And the other NSV was all my cravings had been met and I no longer wanted food, I was back to eating because I had too , not because I felt hungry or deprived. I have continued to lose in the weeks that followed.
Failures- the only time I felt failure is when someone from this forum told me what a failure I was going to be because I ate popcorn and chocolate (my doctor had said it was OK and had recommended the popcorn) I was so upset that I turned to food. I gained 3 lbs. That is when I decided to stay away from this forum. Pre-surgery and post surgery advice is great, and I get being hard on someone who is 3 weeks out and eating burritos and pizza. You are trying to save their life. I really had to work through this in my head. Last week someone at work had frustrated me so bad, I wanted to dive into a bowl of cookies. I was like, I am your boss and you are telling me no to a task I am giving you, you processed something you don't have authority to process which cost the organization $1,000's, etc etc. I can not believe I have to say, you can not do that, you do not have authority, you are bypassing our checks and balances. Stop! and that is when it hit me. That person does not have control over my life. I do. She can not make me put a cookie in my mouth. She can not make me a failure. so NSV- I have control over what I put in my mouth. So I am ready to come back to the site. If I get pissed off I can choose to brush it off or not come back to the site. It is my choice, I am in control. I will not eat my feelings.
SO why did I decide to ramble on for so long knowing that this is too long for anyone to read?? For me to read. Months or years from now when I want to look back at this journey and remember it. Remember all I have been through. What was easy what was hard. If I am successful, I can see what made me a success. I do not succeed, I can see where I went wrong.
Things I never thought I could do and things I had never done- I completed a couch to 5k program and learned to jog. I will never run a marathon. I do not enjoy it. But I have legs and I can jog. I can wear clothes that are not plus size, I can shop in the same stores as my friends. I can sit in a plastic chair or a chair with arms. I don't mean pouring myself into it and only sitting on the edge for fear it will break under me, but actually sit in the chair. I can cross my legs. I do it often, just because I can, and I get giddy everytime. I have a selection of shoes now. Wedges, not heals, Carrying so much weight on my feet, I have had to wear old lady shoes that are super cushioned. I still like some cushion, but with less weight I can actually wear some cute shoes. Energy. I am a bit of a hoarder. Not garbage like on the shows, but lots of stuff, clutter, paper, crafts, things I bought because they sounded awesome and then never used. Partly from being poor and resourceful for a large chunk of my younger life and partly because I am always tired. I am not always tired anymore. I have cleaned out closets, and attics and will be concurring the garage next. Each thing making me feel better and stronger. I have donated 30 garbage bags of clothes from the attic, size 24 - 16. I have passed on many household items to my children and friends and I have tossed many many bags of items that I hung onto for the wrong reasons. I feel free. I feel like my life is getting better because of this.
Time to start my day and see what I can find. I will be working on seeing myself in the mirror and not my fat and working on getting over the lose skin and wrinkles I have now. Last I will be working on one day at a time, being honest with myself and choosing what I put in my mouth.