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On Sunday morning 8/26/07 I made it to 170 lbs! This is the realistic goal I had set for myself at the start. It has been a long few months trying to get here, the weight comes off so much slower now, but it still comes off. I don't know for sure where I'll end up. I'd like to see 145 lbs, but we shall see. Right now seeing a 160 something would be FANTASTIC!! We shall see. Keep at it everyone! Good luck. :)

I made a post tonight about some feelings and thoughts I've had lately and wanted to put it here, to reflect back on in time and to share with those who view my profile with hopes to connect, to help someone else who may encounter the same things. To let you know that it can be a bumpy road, but the ride is fantastic, and to let you know this is all normal. We are all here to share our experiences. I hope it can help someone and help me along the way!! Here it is!

Recently I have felt like a fraud. By this I mean that I guess I am not the same person I was before surgery. Before surgery at 350 plus pounds at one time or another I didn't care so much about others, I wasn't responsible. For example, I didn't complete things. I didn't keep appointments, promises etc.  If I made plans to do something or go somewhere and I decided, "well I just don't want to now", then I didn't! I didn't care if I left someone hanging or didn't complete something like school.  
Now post-op things are so different. If I say I'm going to do something, I do it. If I make a committment to something I complete it. ie: I have this great new job that I started at as a temp back in Nov. 2006, and I love it! I go to work every day. Haven't called off a day. Pre-op, If I got up and didn't feel so well, or just didn't feel like going to work, I'd call off. I didn't care. I had a high absent rate. But now I want to go to work, I like it and if the thought comes to mind to not go, it's like a flash and I tell myself that I have responsibilities and I go no problem. 
I've joined Toastmasters through introduction of a manager at work. I go, I do my assigned duties and even now have a role, am the VP of membership. Some days I think I'm so busy now in my life I don't have time for that, but I committed to it, so if nothing else I will put in my year then see what I feel like next year if I want to do it again.
I am going back to school to get my degree in Human Resources management. I want to do this and get my degree. I have lots of credits to put twoards it that I did years ago but never finished like I didn't finish most things. But i'm really excited about it and I will do it, I committed to it.

The other day I started feeling kind of bad. Feeling like I am a fraud. That this is not me. I feel like at any moment I'm going to mess this wonderful new life up and just leave everyone who counts on me hanging.  I feel like they know me as a person who I am truly not.  Does this make sense?  Maybe I'm just having trouble accepting the new me. Or maybe this always was me, I was just so fat, I was lazy and that tood precedence.  
I actually cried talking to my DH about this the other day, about feeling like a fraud. That my new friends and associates don't know me, but this stranger, who they all like and respect, admire and compliment often on my work ethics, etc. 

I fear that any day I might explode and go back to the old me and disappoint them all. Leave them wondering what the hell happened to Ruth?

I thought maybe putting this out there, I could see if anyone else has felt this way. That I'm not alone, that this is kind of a normal process we go through with the changes.  
It is strange because overall I feel like I am the same person I always was.  I don't feel, or I should say I never felt like a fat person inside, if that makes sense. I was always just me.  I look in the mirror and I see the smaller me most times now. But I always just saw me. I look at pics now and think OMG I can't believe how big I was. I didn't see it so much before. I just lived my life.  That also brings to mind the worry that if I feel sort of the same, that I am just me, then what is there that is going to keep me from gaining all my weight back if I don't think I was a fat person to begin with. Does tha tmake sense?  If i was just me and was living my life, then what's going to stop me from realizing I'm not the same, I am smaller. If I just go on being me, then won't I eventually just be me again? 350 lbs me? 

Oh, the things we have to ponder now. LOL  
I feel this is the tougher road on this journey now. The weight is almost all gone. Getting there now slowly but surely. But I have the fear of going back in the other direction. So food, exercise, dieting, making right choices is a 24/7 job. It's way more work, thought, and planning then any other "diet" I've tried to follow in my life. I live everyday, for every calorie, every movement to keep going. It makes you feel like there is no end. and I guess there's not. There is no miracle to keep me here, it does take work. I know that, but boy can it take it's toll on you mentally sometimes. I wouldn't trade it for anything though. I'll work through the tough times. I love being able to walk, breath, exercise, play sports, wear nice clothes, feel healthy. 

Thanks for listening! :)

After a few days of whining about how I just cannot get below 174 it has finally happened. This morning I was 172.8 lbs. I have wanted now for weeks just to see 173 and this morning I got to see a 172. WooHoo!! Now I'm scared. Scared it will go back over and be 174 again. LOL But, at least I finally saw under. :)  So I guess I just keep doing what I'm doing and it will happen. I realize it is much slower losing the weight now, but I have been so close to the 160's and it was beginning to not look like a reality. Now I have hope, I can believe. I'll probably be back in a few days whining again because I'm stuck at 172. You can all smack me at that time. LOL

Yes, my fear as stated has happened. LOL  I wore for the first time last Sunday a blouse tucked in.  Well it's only been a week and I've done it twice more. LOL I had said I feared that now I'll be trying to tuck everything in. :) I wore dress slacks and a blouse to work one day and tucked it in, then yesterday I wore a jean skirt with a blouse tucked in and a belt. Feels a little strange, I kept going to pull down my shirt every time I got up from sitting yesterday to adjust myself, to make sure everything (that isn't there any longer lol) was covered, and I'm thinking where is my shirt, then it would hit me that it was tucked in, no fixing needed. LOL  I think these two times that I ended up tucking things in this week was because when I got dressed and put on my slacks or skirt, I'd put on my shirt and think I looked fat.  Thought I looked bigger than I thought I was. Then I tried tucking in my blouse/shirt and was like, OK, there you are. That looks better, trimmer, slimmer. Not covered and hidden beneath flowing cloth.  My DH says Im small enough to do so, that it looks good. I asked a good friend at work to be honest and she said Yes, you can do it, you look good. And I saw my mom yesterday and asked her, it was the first time she  has seen me "tuck".  She just smiled and grinned and said yes. She is amazed at how well I have done.  So I guess I'm average enough, good enough, small enough, trim enough to tuck.  Ok, now I feel like bursting into song... "I'm a tucker, he's a tucker, she's a tucker.... wouldn't you like to be a tucker too?" LOL Anyways.... I best get moving here. Have a swim party this afternoon and need to do a few things here online and then get ready. Hope the weekends been a great one!! :)

Will we ever see what we really look like, feel what we look like? I just feel like me, and I think I'm fat. I mean I feel fat, I have always been fat, so I think that people are seeing me as fat, I feel that I appear fat to people.  Then I look at these pics my DH took the other night. I look gaunt and thin. But I am not thin. This was a good pics! LOL As far as making me look thin. Or is it? Do I really look like that? I thought I looked healthy and good, I thought I looked great that night when we went out, but these two new pics don't show me how I see myself. And I don't mean the seeing myself as fat in this case. Just that I thought I looked good, but then I see these and think, OMG I'm so skinny. And I think my face looked too thin. Is it just the fact that we are not used to seeing ourselves this way? So will we ever as they say? I know that is the age old question of WLS people. I hear that we may never.  I still want to lose about 20 more lbs. What will I look like then? I know my body is not small enough. I'm still to big busted and broad in my shoulders. How do I get that to catch up with my bottom?  *sigh*  I'm ok, not totally freaked, it's just I see these pics and I have to ask, "Who is that person"?  Do I look good? I don't think I do. Maybe I'm just not digging the hair as much as I do in person. I thought it looked good, but the pictures tell me different. Oh, well it's just hair, it grows, and 'll probably change it in a few weeks anyways. LOL  

I did also want to mention today that I did something this weekend that I don't recall ever doing in my life. I tucked in a blouse! OMG!!!!! I was able to tuck in a blouse and look good. I have been afraid to try it, didn't think I was thin enough, but I think I looked pretty good and pulled it off. I have a wedding I'm in over labor day weekend. The bachelorette party was Saturday, that is when these pics were from, and then Sunday for the shower I wore a black skirt with a lilac blouse tucked in. It was kind of cool to be able to do. I fear now though that I'll be tucking everything I own in. LOL I've never been flat enough in the belly to do so. It was way cool. 

Ok, off for the night.

I haven't posted in awhle. Thought I'd add to my profile today. So let's see, what has been happening in my life?  
Well, the weightloss is still slow. Some days driving me insane. LOL The lowest I've gotten to is 174 lbs. No, I should not be complaining about that, but it seems like no matter what I do, I just can't see 173. That is all I want, just 1 lb. LOL  It seems like sometimes you eat too much or not enough. One or the other can cause you to not lose weight. So what does one do? I don't know! That is the part that makes you insane. LOL My exercise has not been as much as it should, also not drinking as much water. I do walk every day at work during my lunch hour unless it rains. So I am doing about 1.75 miles total.  But going to the gym has been getting harder and harder. I tried to get back on track with it a few weeks ago and succeeded. For two weeks I went 2-3 times a week in addition to the bike riding my husband and I do on the weekend and my daily walking.  And the scale was starting to go down again, but I got fell off the gym wagon and slowed on water again and no weightloss. Yes, I know I need those things, but sometimes I just feel too busy to go to the gym or drink water. Those are the two things that when I do them I lose weight. I guess that needs to be my goal for this week. This is an ongoing process. Don't forget that anytime in the journey of your new life.  I have seen posts where people are frustrated later out thinking that they were to have the surgery and never have to diet again. WRONG!!! My life is a 24/7 diet. You have to think constantly about what you are doing, whether you will or will not eat something. Do you want to continue to lose, or maintain? How are your actions going to affect you.  So that can be frustrating too. I think I've said frustrating a few times now. Does it get frustrating at times? Yes, it sure does. I wish it didn't, but I wouldn't trade where I'm at for anything. I'd rather be frustrated that I can't eat something, than to be frustrated because I did eat something, feel like crap and gain weight. Than to be back to where I started.  I've been thinking alot about this "tool" lately. Having the wls is a tool, but only one tool in your "TOOL KIT".  In addition to the surgery you need to eat right, exercise, drink fluids, follow the rules to the best of your ability, seek support when you need it. It all works together. The surgery alone is only an aid. It gives you a second chance, then it is up to you what you do with it.  So sometimes it can get a little frustrating, we can easily fall back into old patterns of eating and inactivity, so when we stop and say to ourselves that what choices we are making are not the best, we can get a little whiney. 
I went shopping yesterday and today.  JC Penney here, and I would guess elsewhere is having a huge sale. 70%.  I bought so many things and had a blast doing it! It is such an amazing feeling to be able to walk up to any rack of clothing and fit into something. The choices are amazing in comparison to the plus size rack that may or may not have a size 5x on it. And if it did, it was dog ugly! LOL  I have always loved fashion. There are lots of things out there I'm to conservative to wear, or since I've not worn them in the past just feel out of place, so I won't buy (i.e. I LOVE the leopard, or zebra coats and things I've seen) I will try them on, but feel like a sore thumb sticking out, like everyone would be looking at me, so I haven't bought one. Yet! ;)  I do have leopard print blouses, but just can do the coat yet.  I feel now though that I can dress who I am. If that makes sense.  I can put on a nice pair of slacks and a blouse, look classy, classic, well dressed, and feel I look good. I can walk and feel proud that I'm not being looked at as a big fat slob or whatever people think. I never felt like a big fat slob. .I was always just me. I feel the same inside as I always did. I was me, I like to dress nice and always did as well as I could at 350 plus lbs.  But now I feel I can walk proud that I look good. Is that conceited? Oh well if it is. If I am, then so be it. I like feeling good about the way I look. LOL That can't be wrong.  
I guess I should stop here. I have so much to do.  A friend is getting married labor day weekend. The bachelorette party is tonight and the bridal shower tomorrow. Dinner tonight is at 5pm and its 3:35 now, so I should get my rear in gear. Later!

Today we did the 5k for the fitness classic at a local hospital that is held here yearly.  I participated last year at 2 months post-op and was the last one through the finish line, but I did it! I did it in one hour and 12 minutes.  This year I didn't want to be last and I wanted to come in under an hour. Mission accomplished.  I don't know how many were behind me, but there were quite a few so that felt good and I did the walk (with a little run at the last stretch( in 57 mins. and 52 sec.  My DH says that is a good improvement, over 20%.  I know like 14 mins off my time from last year. I wanted more than anything to be uner 60 mins and I did it.  My butt is still hurting from yesterdays fall on the skates, my face is sunburn but I feel great. Just hope I still feel good come tomorrow at work. I think it's going to be a looooooong week!  :)

Today I skated! Ok, not sure if you could call what I did "skate", but I put on the knee pads, the elbow pads, the wrist guards, the helmet and the SKATES!!! DH and I went to our local "Outdoor Venture". It's an organization that has many vendors of local activities come together and for free people in the city can come and try out these activities. Things such as dragon boat racing, roller blading, fishing, canoeing, kayaking, rock climbing, biking, walking groups etc.  We went last year and I wanted to so badly try roller blading but was afraid I'd fall and get hurt. I was only 2 months post-op and that's still a lot of weight to hit the pavement. LOL Plus there were tons of kids around doing the skating.  Well this year I was determined to try. It was on my agenda for the day.. Wasn't positive going if I would do it, but I DID IT!!! It was tough, but I had the "Courage to Try".   I looked like a baby trying to learn to walk, but I did it! And... I fell at one point back, right on my right butt cheek. Boy does it hurt!!! But that's ok. I got back up, and I finished my lesson.  I have been trying to not be a quitter in things I do anymore.  It's something new that came along with the WLS.  My whole life I pretty much have done what I wanted. Yes, I guess we all do to a point, but I didnt' care how it affected others or if I left others hanging etc. But since surgery if I start something I finish it. It's just been something I've felt I have to do.  So after my fall when I wanted to say "That was enough", I didn't. I wiggled the hurt "cheek", got up and pathetic as I looked LOL skated/stepped my way back to where we started.  It was tougher than I thought it would be trying to skate.  I never could as a kid. I just never could get all eight of those wheels on skates to go the same way, so I never skated really as a kid.  I thought maybe all in a row wheels would be easier. NOT!!! lol.   You use muscles you didn't know you had, you have to hold yourself in knee bent position etc. So it's a lot of work.  But its a start. And I guess even those who were out there skating and looked so at ease and just glided along, must have looked like a duck too at one point. LOL I don't know if I'll be trying it again, I think I will, why I want to torture myself Idon't know. But I do know I want to be able to skate and glide along smoothly and enjoy the breeze that passes by me as I whiz on down the rode in my skates. LOL Despite my aching butt right now I'm glad I had the "Courage to Try".

Yesterday at work we had a guest.  His name was Ed Hearn.  Ed is the winner of the 2006 World Championship of Public Speaking at the Toastmaster International Speech Contest.  It was very exciting to get the chance to hear him speak and he did not let us down.  The topic yesterday of his speech was about having the "Courage to Try".  He explained how there is no one who holds us back from doing whatever it is that we want to do, but ourselves.  We all have dreams and things we want to accomplish.  But we so often find that we don't accomplish these things out of fear.  Fear of failure,  fear of being laughed at, fear of rejection.  There are those out there that will be successful and those who will never reach their potential. The difference is that some have the "Courage to Try". They get in there and give it their best. They don't let fear hold them back.  How do you know if you don't try?  Others, will not accomplish what they would like because they don't try, they give up too early.  

We all have struggles in our life, we struggle on this journey of weightloss.  Some are more successful than others. Some never give up, some give up too soon.  Don't let anyone tell you that you can't do this.  If this is something that you want to do, then do it. Do it with your heart, with your own conviction.  This is for you. No one can make you succeed or fail but yourself.  Ed also talked about always having "excuses" in our lives. That many don't accomplish their dreams, goals because of "excuses".  We can always find them.  "Oh, I don't deserves this..."  "They won't accept me because I'm  __________" (Fill lin the blank with whatever fits). "I can't do that, I'm too old". The list could go on and on.  There is always a way.  I guess it goes back to the power of thinking.  And like Ed mentioned in reference to the book "Secrets", it is like that.  He does believe in the power of positive thinking.  No, not always believing something is just going to make it so.  But one does need to be positive, see what they want, work to achieve it.  It just won't happen. 
I wanted to post about this today because I thought it was a good message.  He is an amazing speaker.  If you ever get a chance to hear him, do it! I'm sure there was so much more in his speech. He definately was entertaining, funny, intense all wrapped into one. His family stories are a hoot as they say.  I want everyone to have the "Courage to Try" in whatever it is you do. We don't know the endless possibilties of what we can do, or what we can be unless we TRY.  

Since having WLS my life has changed tremendously.  I had a good life before.  A supportive, loving family.  The most wonderful husband in the world.  They all loved me just the way I was, they always supported me, and urged me to do whatever it was I wanted.  I haven't wanted for much within reason. Life was good.  But now, after WLS it is soooooooooooooooo much better.  I knew it would be better.  I knew my health would be better.  I figured I'd be able to do more things in physical ways.  I did not imagine to the extent that I have.  Each and every day, even at 13 months out now, every day is amazing.  I find joy in each one, I do something new, I take notice of a movement, an action, some feat that I've just done, that last year I could not do, or may not have ever done in my life.  Sometimes I'll take notice that I'm breathing with no problem and think wow!  I have a fantastic new job that I don't believe I would have gotten if I had not had the wls.  I have always done well in my jobs, but never got ahead to where I'd like to be.  Now, after wls, Im in an amazing position, I LOVE it every day and I only hope to grow.  I'm doing things now in a career aspect I never thought I would.  I make more money than I ever thought I would. I've joined Toastmasters through an invite from a manager at work and I like it. I've gotten up in front of the Toastmasters meeting group and have done a small meeting introduction. Also, my manager had to be out of town one day during a 401(k) meeting that was scheduled.  She asked if I would do it.  I was scared, but I had the "Courage to Try" and I did it. She got great feedback. This meeting was in front of about 80 people. I can't believe I did it.  I've never spoke to a gropu that size. Things have been so different.  My life is so busy. It is so much better than before.  Can it get any better? I think it can.

It was as if Ed was speaking to me yesterday.  Or should I say, he has been speaking to me for a few months now. So much is so good because I have had the "Courage to Try".  

I hope for all of you to succeed, to live your dreams, to have the courage.  Wishing everyone all the best! :)

Not sure what to title this entry. I just wanted to post about what I've been doing this past week.  Since the beginning of the year, when I finally got under 200 lbs. It has taken me a very long time to get to my current weight.  Yes, I realize the weightloss slows down as you go along, but for months I stayed in the 190's. Finally I broke through and made it to around 185, for like a day. Then back to 187, then at one point 189 and up and down like a Yo-Yo for over two months. It got very aggravating.  I got myself back on track a bit with exercise and watching things a bit and I dropped the few lbs. again and hovered between that 185 to 187. Again, I know the weightloss is slower, but I also know that I had a) not been drinking enough water b) eating too many Starbucks cookies, or brownies. I found around the Christmas holidays that I could eat a small cookie and be ok, no dumping. From there it started to build. No, I still only ate one maybe two small cookies here or there, but that turned into trying the espresso brownie at starbucks and NOT dumping. Huh??? It's pure chocolate and sugar and has to be at least ten kazillion calories. Then I tried the large chocolate chip cookie, still no dumping. Maybe here or there a little tiredness, but nothing bad enough to make me stop.  Almost every day in the evening I was wanting my cup of coffee and a cookie. I did this for over a month, telling myself I can't be doing this. I'm intelligent enough to know that even though I wasn't gaining weight, but fluctuation between a pound or two (I guess that is gaining)  that I am smart enough to know that long term this will not continue and eventually I WILL begin to gain weight.  The thing that kills me about this is that I was not a big sweets eater pre-surgery.  Sure, I liked birthday cake, donuts, cookies etc. the same as anyone else. But I was not fat from sweets, I was fat from fried, greasy, fast food, and too much, with no activity.  But here I found myself these past few months being crazed for sweets.  I could not stop. I kept saying tomorrow, no cookie.  The good thing is that I won't buy anything like that in my house. So if I had it, it was out at the store and only one cookie. But those Starbuck cookies are big. Most times I'd share it with hubby. but sometimes I'd eat the whole thing myself. 
About two weeks ago I started dumping left and right.  I find that odd and couldn't really figure it out. But I figure what it is was probably that I had increased the amount of sugar I was taking in. Perhaps I was eating the WHOLE cookie myself now, not sharing with hubby and so I was getting all the sugar and I felt like crap! So after a week and a half or so of that I said I don't want to feel like this anymore. I know I shouldn't be eating this, so I decided to do something about it. Stop! It's only been a week. So I'm not bragging, just wanting to document what I've been going through and what I've done this week that seems to be working.
Last week I decided on Sunday that I have to do something to start my weightloss again. That eating cookies was not going to do it. I want to lose more weight and the way I've been going wasn't going to do it.  So I decided to try a soft food / liquid plan.  I've been having only during the day this type of menu:  Breakfast I would have either 4 oz of LF cottage cheese or Weight Control oatmeal w/soy milk. For lunch 4 oz of LF cottage cheese. 2 protein shakes a day, 1 LF yogurt and then at dinner something sensible. Meat, veggies or salad with grilled chicken.  I feel much better, I have lost about 4 pounds. I have been satisified with the amount of food, the soft foods, the liquid I've been having. I can't believe I haven't had a cookie or any almonds all week.  I did eat almonds daily also with my protein shakes and had these 100 calorie soy type snack cookies.  I cut out those three thing and am amazed at the number of calories that cuts. Over the past month or so as I talked to myself, telling myself that I needed to do something, that the way I was eating is not good, I found myself afraid to give up the foods I was eating. I was afraid that I wouldnt be able to make it through the day without more solid food, without snacks, without my cookies. But I decided last Sunday I had to try this and after making it through day one, i was like, hmmm I can do this, so went on to day two and now here it is Friday and I feel great! My clothes are already so much looser, I feel thinner and feel renewed. I hope I can keep on this track. and may God make me dump like a crazy fool if I eat a cookie! LOL I realized this week that measuring your food is a good thing. We may be able to eat more now at a year out, but that doesn't mean we have to.  I find that I am satisified with my 4 oz of cottage cheese. I don't need more than that for a lunch, I dont need a salad with meat, cheese, dressing, etc etc. which came out to a couple of cups worth in the end.  We were given a small pouch to put small amounts of things in there. And it works!!! I guess basically Im saying that this tool is here in place and it does what it's suppose to. It fits what it's suppose to and that is enough to satisfy you. At least for me it does. I know there are some who have issues with their pouch, I guess they come in all shapes and sizes. Im happy to see that mine is happy with 4 oz. So Im going to keep measuring and working at this to keep things going. I'm very excited at the thought of getting into the 170's. I was thrilled at 190's and thought it was like a dream to think I'd be 180 something. Well Im in the low 180's now and shooting for the 170s. Then the 160's here I come! OMG~!!! My hubby asks when I speak like this, where will it end? When will you be satisified? I don't know, but I know it's not now. I want to be far enough down to allow for the gain back they talk about. So 145 is sounding good to me. We shall see. But that might be too low. I guess wherever I end up is where I'll be. I'm looking forward to the next two days. The weather is to be BEAUTIFUL so Im going to be sure to take advantage of it. Think we're getting the bikes out of the basement. I want to go riding, and probably hiking/walking at a park. Too nice of a weekend to pass up. Take care!!!