Amanda S.

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I'm down to 141 pounds. For someone 5'3 it still sounds chunky right? According to the BMI scale I am still "overweight". Then why when I'm looking in the mirror do all my ribs stick out? My hip bones are like daggers and my face is getting too gaunt looking. I never thought I'd have this problem! I'm down to a size 6. Keep in mind I still have loose skin on my belly. If I keep losing weight I'm afraid I will disappear! Even if I got my belly cut off right this second and didn't lose any more weight I'd probably be a size 4. If I lose any more weight I'll be a size 4 and if I get my belly cut off I'll be a size 2! I always thought I'd want to be that little, but seeing the way I look I'm not so sure. I don't really like being able to count all my ribs. I want to look healthy not sick!

   My OH family is so wonderful. I peruse the boards daily, and post often. I am just me, being my goofy silly self. I can't believe the PM's I get sometimes. I can't tell you how often I have been brought to tears by the sweet things people say to me. Even though I have a decent self esteem, I don't see anything particularly out of the ordinary about myself, so when I get messages calling me beautiful, inspiring, kind, sweet, funny and things like that I'm just so suprised and it really fills my heart with joy. (I've even been called an angel more than once. Me? An angel? Who woulda thunk?) 
  I really just wanted to say thank you to all the people who are so kind to me. Really, the things you have said to me and the way you have said them really have made a difference to me. I appreciate you all, and all of your kind words. Now keep 'em coming I got an ego to feed!
 

PHOOEY to the doctor who said insurance wouldn't pay for me to have my belly removed, and that I probably wouldn't have any rashes to justify it. I HAVE A RASH!!!!! 
I'm so excited!! YIPPEEEEEEEEEEEE 
Already called my surgeon to get it documented

Nope, didn't work, my ears are still clogged. They are really bad today. If I tilt my head all the way back I can feel them draining. When I lift my head up it feels better for a sec and then they are all messed up again. What the heck is up with this? It makes hearing and talking and well, just existing so uncomfortable. 

What is wrong with my ears? This is getting bad. About August I noticed that if I didn't get enough fluid in my ears would get all clogged, similar to that of being in an airplane or being underwater. Once I drank about 24 oz of fluid this would go away. 
 Over the months it has gotten progressively worse and now it's almost a constant thing and drinking doesn't help it. It's very uncomfortable, hard to hear, and uncomfortable to speak. 
I've heard it could be everything from allergies to ear infections to tube displacement from losing weight. I took an allergy pill, no help. I just got off antibiotics for bronchitis and it didn't help or hurt my ears either way. 
 I see the surgeon next month I hope he doesn't blow me off because it's really bothering me. I'm very uncomfortable.

Are you ready for this? I'm a size 8!!!! I'm sooooooo excited! If I could get this damn belly cut off I might be a 6!!! 
I'm stuck around 150 or so (goes up and down the same few pounds constantly) but my size has gone down and I'm so happy!

If I could just stop focusing on the number and be completely happy with the size. I just can't get past that I'm only 5'3 I should weigh less than 150. 

Anyway SIZE 8 WHOOO HOOOOOOOOO

	Pre op 05/26/07	07/09/07	08/05/07	09/01/07	03/22/08
Right Bicep	15 ½	15	14 ½	13	12
Left Bicep	15 ½	15	15	13 ½	11.5
Right Forearm	10	10	10	9 ¼	8.5
Left Forearm	10	10	9 ½	8 ¾	8
Right Thigh	23 1/2	21	19 ½	19	18
Left Thigh	23 1/5	21 ½	20	19 ¾	17
Right Calf	17	14	13	13	11.5
Left Calf	17	14	14	14	13
Right Ankle	9 ½	10	8 ¾	8 ¾	8.5
Left Ankle	9 ½	10	9	9	8.5
Right Wrist	7	6 ½	6 ½	6 ¼	5.75
Left Wrist	7	6 ½	6 ½	6 ¼	5.75
Right foot length	10	10	9 ½	9 ½	9.5
Left foot length	10	10	10	10	9
Right foot around	10	9	8 ¾	8 ¾	8.5
Left foot around	10	9	8 ½	8 ½	8.5
Right hand around	9	8 ½	8 ½	7 ½	8
Left hand around	9	8 ½	8	7 ½	8
Under boobs	46	40	39 ½	38	35.5
Belly button	53	43 ½	39 ½	38 ½	34.5
Neck	17	15	14 ¼	14	13
Middle of “top” belly	51 1/2	45 ½	44	41	38
Hip bone area	52	50 ½	45 ½	44	40

 

How come now that I'm thin(well technically still overweight but you know what I mean) I have more "fat" days? Like right now, I feel disgustingly huge. I feel like my belly is so fat and so heavy and I just want to cut it off myself sometimes.

 When I was fat I had fat days but I accepted it more. Why is that? What is going on in my own head that I cannot accept myself the way I am? Why do I always have to try and be better? Why do I feel the need to constantly one up myself?

Don't get me wrong, I think it's very healthy to have goals and work hard to achieve them. I always have goals and I always persevere to get to where I want to go. But when does it end? When do I become ok with me?

Overall I have a pretty healthy self esteem. I'm intelligent, funny, ok looking, have people that love me, and have a very blessed life. So why is it that I can't just be happy?

Why do I feel the need to push push push????

The goshdarn scale hasn't budged in a long time. (about a month I think) Well that's not exactly true. It keeps going up and down the same 2 or 3 pounds. I refuse to believe I am done losing weight. I am sooo close to my docs goal of 145 and I WANT IT! (ok i'd really like to be 120 but I'd settle for 125, 130, or 135 lol)

I have had people mention that I look like I'm still losing weight. Even though I know I haven't they are convinced I have, so maybe I am losing inches. I have been working out more. I haven't measured in ages, (Sept!) EEK I'm bad! I should really do that this weekend....who's going to remind me???

Anyway, I wish I could be satisfyed with my weight and how I look now, but I'm not so I am determined to get off these last few pounds.

I had my consult with the plastic surgeon today. The news wasn't great. 
First I should say that I carried almost all my excess weight in my belly so that's where the majority of my loose skin is (aside from my elephant skin thighs which you all know about already lol)

He said that if I did need surgery i'd need an abdominoplasty not just a panni. And that because I don't have any yeast, and because I was "small" insurance would probably not even pay for the panni never mind the abdominoplasty. If by some miracle they did pay, he said they could do the rest for about $2000. 

Great, I'll just have a decent size body with a huge stomach and pubes so big they look like balls. *sigh* 

I'm not going down without a fight though!