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So - I turned 40 over the weekend - smaller than I've been probably since I turned 14 or so.  I was dreading it, but it turned out not to be a big deal.  I did over-indulge in birthday cake, etc... but now that's behind us and I'm moving on towards the goal!    Incredible changes since last year - even more incredible when viewed against my life when I turned 38 two years ago!

Generally, I feel really good, but have been less than motivated to make more change lately.  Just kind of coasting along, my scale wobbling up and down over about a 4-5 pound range, just cruising through...  BUT - deep down, I don't feel content at this point.  I am smaller, but not as healthy and fit as I want to be, so I've decided to take action to make some changes and get moving on to an even better place.

I've committed to my son that we are going to start working out after September 1.  We are going to be walking/jogging/running, lifting some weights and doing regular calisthenics.  There are a couple of people at my office who are working the P90X exercise program (you know - from the infomercials...)  Well, I had never seen this thing before these guys started doing it, but now I'm kind of excited about it and the results that I can see in the people here and the (largely unbelievable) changes that you see in the people online and in the commercials.  I plan to take the next 90 days to get into shape good enough to try this thing out after the first of the new year.  It's kind of scary - two of the big things in the program seem to be push-ups and pull-ups - two things that can summon fear from a fat boy's deepest memories.  (the only thing that might be worse is if someone said "climbing rope!")  Anyhow, I think I can figure out enough basic work for us to do between now and the holidays that we can try that sucker out after the first of January.  Maybe I'll put it on my Christmas list.   Keep an eye out for the new before and after pics...  Not sure they will be nearly so dramatic "as seen on TV," because I expect I'm still going to have rolls of skin hanging on even if I get rid of virtually all the body fat underneath... ewwww - that sounds like it might be ugly - maybe there won't be so many pictures, but I'll let you know how the progress goes.

On a slightly different note - I was out to dinner last week, and saw a teen age version of me having dinner across the way.  He seemed to be a very nice young man - roughly 16-18 years old, probably right around 300 pounds - eating out with his mother.  He ordered Coke and sucked down a couple of big glasses full before his salad showed up.  He ate through the salad and got a big pasta entree.  He ate through that with a couple more Cokes, and then they shared a desert.  It was all too familiar too me...  I wanted SOO badly to go over and talk to him and his mother and let them know that there was a way out.  He could avoid all the pain and be able to take advantage of all the experiences that are available for him in the next few years...I could see all the sadness coming his way, all the things he would choose to skip out on, all the things his friends would be doing that he would take a pass on...but, of course, I didn't go over and say anything... What is the right thing to do?  It's so hard for me, sometimes, to see people who could change their future and do nothing...  I try to realize that this is a decision that everyone has to come to for themselves, but it's still hard.  I just keep working to make sure that my own child doesn't have to go down the hard road that so many of us here on this site have travel led.  I have to realize that this is enough.  If you want to change the world, you have to start by making small changes in your own little corner... I'm owning up to that responsibility and moving forward.   Hope everyone else will do their part as well!

YES!!! - my son and I spent the (long) day at Six Flags over Texas today - we rode everything we could find, and not once did I have a bit of trouble with the restraints or worry that he was going to fly out because something was just barely buckled around me, leaving it too loose on him.   We had such fun together.  I felt great all day - it's amazing how much easier and more rewarding it is to take on the amusement park at 205 than it was at 378!   It's one of those victories along the way that makes all the work worth while.

On the darker side - I had to watch a lady in the park climb off one of the rides because she obviously had trouble with the restraints closing.  It made me so sad to see, and I wanted to go up and talk to her about the wonders that can be brought about with WLS, but, of course, I didn't.  I know how I would have reacted to such a thing two years ago, and I certainly didn't want to add to the stress she was already having by adding in my two cents.  I also saw benches full of people sitting outside the rides - many of whom would NOT have fit on - and wondered if that was the only reason they were sitting there, and felt bad for them that they were missing out on the experiences their loved ones were sharing at the time.

I also found out that there is virtually no good food to be had at an amusement park.  I tried to eat part of a burger there, and had to walk it off for about half an hour before the pain went away.   I decided to go back to just water for the rest of the day and settle for something better for dinner.

Anyhow - I need to be in bed now, but just had to share the victory with everyone first.  Keep up the great work and keep on moving towards all those small victories that will make your life so much richer.  

John

It took 13 months from surgery, but for the last two days I've been OVERWEIGHT!  Not obese or morbidly obese or super morbidly obese, but merely OVERWEIGHT!  My weight has been 213 these last two days - down from the 215 - 220 range where I had been hanging out for 6 weeks or so...  I am so excited!  I can remember my last high school football physical as a sophomore - the Dr. filled out my paperwork as "obese."  I don't recall the actual weight, but I expect it was more than 213, and I clearly recall how mortified I was to have to turn that paperwork in to the coach with "obese" written on it.  (Never mind that the coach's paperwork would have said "morbidly obese.")

I have been trying to keep the focus the last week or so since getting a much needed kick from attending support group meeting at WeightWise.  I've been eating better, avoiding snacks (especially M&M's), and taking all my vitamins daily.  I still have excellent restriction from my sleeve.  The surgery on my stomach works!   I am working to pay more attention to stopping eating when I'm satisfied instead of eating until I feel miserably full.   I've almost got my pool open and ready to swim, so I'm looking forward to having that as additional exercise in the coming weeks.

As I neared the OVERWEIGHT category, I've been playing games with the BMI calculators... to go from OVERWEIGHT to Normal, I would have to lose down to 181 pounds.  I'm not sure I want or need to go that far, and I'm OK with that decision.  I feel so much better today than I have in many years!  I would definitely like to lose another 20 pounds or so to move to the middle of the OVERWEIGHT range, but I'm really treading in untested waters here... Last time I weighed as little as I do now, I was not this tall!  It's been an incredible journey thus far, I'm still excited to see what comes next, and looking forward to summer to try out so many things that I've been putting off for many years.

It's been over a month since I posted anything here... I missed my actual surgiversary, but I'm still past a year, and doing great.   It's been a tough year, but life goes on...

In the last couple of months, stress has been high at my house ( my wife lost her job, and then her dad passed away) so my weight has not really been a focus for me.  Through it all, including a whole week of carb laden funeral food, I've been maintaining my weight within a 5 pound range.  I'm proud of that, and very excited, because before my WLS, there is no way I would have made it through all this stuff without putting on 10-15 pounds.

I made it to Support Group tonight, and thanks to some frank discussion and very truthful confessions from GlitterGal, I feel re-energized to pick up the pace and get the last 29 pounds off.  I threw out my snacks, and climbed my a$$ up on the treadmill.  (Had to dust it off first...OMG - apparently it has been about 5 weeks since I've even been close to it...)  Anyhow, I feel very positive and am looking forward to spending part of my weekend cleaning out the garage so I can get to the (also dusty) weight machine that is tucked away in the corner and start using it with my wife and son over the summer.  I feel sure that if I can increase some muscle mass while increasing my activity at the same time, I'll be able to make some serious change in the flabby shape of my upper arms and upper thighs.  Not sure there is any hope for my belly, short of a surgeon's knife, but that's just not a high priority right now... thanks to my UnderArmour, I can usually keep that troublesome bit of skin camoflauged pretty well.  Maybe in another year or so if I get the other trouble areas lined out, I'll start to consider that one.  Not completely sure, though - I saw my mother go through that surgery and recovery up close, and it seemed a lot worse than my VSG or her RnY.   We'll see.  First I have to get serious and start working my weights, jump rope, and treadmill.   I hope by the time I make it back to Support Group sometime next month I'll have new numbers to report and at least a slightly better shape to work with.

For anyone considering WLS who's wandered here... research for yourself - not just on OH, but everywhere you can.  If you decide surgery is for you, go for it with all you've got!  For me, it was the best decision I could possibly make and I'm thrilled to be enjoying life at a size I can't even remember.

John

This weekend, I attended a 40th birthday party for my best friend.  I figured I have only a few months to rag on him about being 40 before I hit it myself, so I made it a priority to get there and start the hassling! 

Anyhow - I hadn't seen my friend since late June - about 80 pounds ago.  It was a surprise party, so he didn't know anyone would be there other than his family.   There were several of us there that went to college together, so when he came around the corner, he saw us all standing in a line.  I could see him start looking at everyone from the other end of the line, and then when he got to me he broke out in a huge smile and then in tears.    When he came across the room to give me a hug, he said "You were always in there, and I'm so happy that you made it out alive."  Then we were both tear-ed up....

Anyhow, I made my way to the bathroom later in the evening, and realized that for the first time in a very long time, I had on a shirt and pants that both fit.  I could see my belt in the mirror.  The pleats on my pants were laying flat as I stood there, and thanks to the impression it all made on my friends, I could see that I have come a long way, baby!  It was a very powerful moment to be able to look in the mirror and not see the morbidly obese image, but rather see one that is almost down to overweight.  That guy had a neck! and a flat chest and stomach! and I could see both ears at once while looking straight ahead at the mirror.

I guess once things settle down a bit around my house, I'm going to have to make an effort to get out and find some clothes that actually fit to replace the ones I'm wearing that are not-so-much-too-big-as-to-be-ridiculous,-but-still-don't-really-fit... It does make a difference in how I see myself.

So, there you have it - the high point of my weekend was being able to look in a restaurant mirror and see my new body standing there.  I know - it's a little weird, but if you've found your way to this site, you probably understand.

John

I just realized this morning that I passed  11 months post-op yesterday.  Wow - it's incredible the changes that have taken place in such a (relatively) short time.  I am ever so grateful that I made the choice to change my life with WLS.  I am healthier today than I've probably been in 20 years!

Strange things have happened around me recently...  I was on campus at my alma mater last week and ran into my favorite professor.  I stopped in his office to talk to him...  we had a brief, but fairly generic conversation, and I went on about my business.  It was not until I was leaving the campus that it dawned on me - that man had no idea who I was!  That's why we had a generic conversation instead of our normal, very familiar banter - he didn't know who he was talking to!  It never occurs to me to re-introduce myself to people that I've known for 20 years or more - I recognize them, and everything looks the same from my side - but clearly I'm going to have make adjustments in this area.  My mother recently attended the funeral of an old friend, and said there were many, many people who walked right by her and didn't speak.  She couldn't quite figure it out until we had this discussion, and now we realize - people don't know who we are at this size unless we actually tell them.  Weird!  I'm sure others have this happen as well, but it has really been on my mind the last week or so.

In the short time I've been on this journey, I have lost 160 pounds!  That's a regular size person that I am no longer carrying around on my knees, hips, and back!  Incredible!  I have certainly not been the perfect post-op patient, but I do try to pay attention most of the time.  Lately, stress has been high and real life crises have taken my focus away from my daily journey of weight loss, but I am still holding my own and losing a little.  The last two weeks or so, I haven't been able to find the time to work out or walk very often, but I still have the desire - just not the time.  My 11 year old is back in Little League, which eats up lots of hours.  My father-in-law is terminally ill, and fading fast, which only adds to the stress and places further demands on my time.  I've spent a fair amount of time contemplating priorities lately, and have come to the realization that being a good father and husband are the highest things on my list.  I want to work on down to a "normal" weight, but right now that is just not the most important thing on my daily list of things to do.  I'm definitely keeping track of my progress, and plan to press onward as time allows, but for now, I'm spending most of my time and energy focused elsewhere....

As I approach my one year anniversary, I've learned a few things to pay forward to any pre-ops or investigators who might happen upon this little corner of cyberspace...

1- Do it - do now!  You will certainly wish you had done it sooner once you decide to do it!
2 - Don't over-buy the stuff "they" tell you you'll need for surgery/post-op.  I have unopened boxes of Gas-X strips and sugar free jello that are now approximately one year old, and still sitting in my pantry where I put them when I was preparing for surgery.
3 - Don't over-buy clothes on the way down.  No matter how great they look and make you feel, they aren't going to fit very long.  Shop at the consignment and second hand stores.  There is great stuff there at a bargain, and once you've shrunk out of it, you can take it back there and sell it to pay for some new, even smaller things.
4 - Never, ever lose sight of the fact that you are really doing this to be healthier.  Not to be a size 2 or a 34 inch waist, but to forestall hypertension, diabetes, arthritis, and all the other horrible ailments that come secondary to morbid obesity.  If you are looking to become an Abercrombie (or Victoria's Secret) model, you'll likely be disappointed.  If you're looking to throw out your insulin and blood pressure meds, you'll likely be thrilled in very short order following surgery.
5 - Find some support - you WILL need it.   If OH is the place for you, great - you're here!  If you need live people, get out to your local support group and make some friends that you can lean on.  For me, I've needed both in the last year, and both have been there for me.  This is not (despite what the nay-sayers have to say) an EASY way... there are lots of years worth of emotional trauma and drama that you have to deal with along the way.  Find some people who know the path, and let them help you. 
6 - Enjoy your new life each day as you move along the continuum of weight loss.  So what if you've ONLY lost 50 pounds - CELEBRATE that victory!  So what if your scale hasn't moved in a week - it's stuck a lot lower than it was all those years before - CELEBRATE the way you move and feel and look! 
7 - If you don't like your water or protein - DO IT ANYWAY - if you don't follow the rules, you'll get sick....and end up back in the hospital.  That's no way to enjoy your new life.
8- Pay it forward!  Sometimes it's a bit disconcerting to tell people what you've done, but if someone genuinely wants to know, please try to tell them.  You never know who you may be helping to escape the torturous prison of morbid obesity.  It may not be that skinny person asking you about yourself - it may be their spouse/parent/sibling/friend who desperately needs someone to help them find the way.  You can be that shining light that helps someone find a new life.  Try it!

That's it for now.  Once the whole thing with my father-in-law resolves itself, I hope to be around more and more available to provide support to others.  In the mean time, please keep the faith, and keep on moving towards that new, healthier life that we're all looking for together.

I've buckled down - purged the chocolate from the house - and gotten my treadmill moving again the last few days.  I've been much more strict with myself about letting the carbs slip down my (surgically modified) gullet, and guess what?  My scale is moving again!  I was at 225 this morning!  Only 10 more pounds and I'll be "merely" overweight instead of obese!  I've been classified obese for at least the last 25 years - holy sh!t !  I can almost smell it - seems like it smells like sweaty workout clothes or something, but I'm OK with that, as long as the smell keeps getting closer!

I've been working hard at my treadmill to decide if I can really survive the Redbud Run, and I think I can.  My treadmill was apparently programmed by the Marquis de Sade, because it has this interval program that is really kicking my butt (and my quads and my hamstrings) but I'm doing it daily to try and push towards the pace I'll need for April 5.   I saw some pictures of previous years' runs in a magazine yesterday - there were people bigger than me that made it into the pictures!  I can do this!   There's another couple of weeks before they open up the registration (3/23), so I'm going to keep working at it and see if I can manage to get to the point where I can make the 5K at a fairly good clip.   I can't believe I'm planning this - I can hardly believe it even crossed my mind a second time.  OMG - I'm planning to go out IN PUBLIC and run! and no one will be chasing me with a dangerous implement!  Unbelievable, the changes that have come around in such a short time.

Now I'm beginning to wonder if there will be people there who I know (or used to know)... I'm fairly certain there will be.  OKC is really an oversized small town - you can't go anywhere without running into people you know.  The whole idea of coming across people who I knew 100 pounds (or more) ago at a RUN is just weird.  I'm scared that some of them could have a cardiac event just from seeing me line up there.   Oh, well - hopefully they'll be in good enough shape to handle the shock! 

I may post over on the OK board and see if anyone else is thinking of taking this thing on... then at least I'd have some new friends show up who wouldn't be surprised that I was there.   Hmmm... we'll see how it goes.

Here I am again trying to clear some of the rabid squirrels that keep running circles in my brain...It all seems a little random, but hopefully no one will be offended...

Firstly, I have been thinking how selfish it seems to have undertaken this journey.  Rationally, I know that my health has improved to the point that I will be around and available for much longer than I would have been otherwise, however, I'm still having issues.  It just requires so much constant vigilance to keep up with all the things that have to be done to stay on the straight and narrow post-op journey.  Water, vitamins, low carb meals, water, exercise, on and on...  I think I was always such a "giver" and "doer" for others before, that I'm struggling again with making the time just for me to get everything done.  The exercise is really the biggest part...I can't seem to drag out of bed to exercise in the morning before work, and then when I do it at night, it feels like I'm taking valuable time away from my beautiful wife and children.  I know I have to work through it - I did it when I was on the pre-op plan, I did it for the first six months or so afterward, but then the holidays came and I got off track, and now I just seem to sort of run across the track briefly every so often, and then veer away again.  I'm working on it.

On the same track, I got a flyer in the mail the other day for the Redbud Run that's coming up in April.  They have a 5K, and I've been considering whether I could get myself into good enough shape to participate without absolutely embarrassing myself.  I've never, ever in my life done anything like that, but I've started thinking it is a worthwhile goal, and that if I could force myself to go through with the training for this, I could start dropping some more pounds, and have a great head start on fitness as spring and summer roll in.  I actually got on my treadmill tonight and walked and JOGGED just to see if I could do it.  I did not drop over dead, I didn't even really get a good sweat up in the 45 minutes I was on there.  I know that I'm still a long way from being able to run 5K (3.1 miles- OMG), but the Redbud is on 4/5, giving me over a month to work up to it.  I think I can do this - I think I actually NEED to do this to get myself back on track and moving towards goal and getting rid of this last 35 pounds or so.  I'll see how I feel in the morning and hopefully I can drag back onto the thing tomorrow night without feeling too guilty about taking the time for myself.

I seem to be developing a new addiction to chocolate.  I know that Christmas and Valentines day have just fueled this horrible new addiction, and I have to break it - it's killing my progress.  At first it was just one bite of something, anything chocolate in the evening, but the last few days I've been raiding the kids' Valentine boxes for all the miniature Reese's peanut butter cups - evil things that they are....  Anyhow, I'm hoping that confession here will be good for not only the soul, but also for the willpower.   Think of me....

My new, smaller clothes don't fit anymore.  My first two pairs of "new" slacks that I bought last summer are completely useless.  They are a size 46, and I can't wear them at all without looking like Bozo the Clown.  I had on a great pair of wool slacks today that I bought second hand at the consignment store... They are a 42 inch waist, gorgeous, and I don't know that I can wear them any more... they are gathered at the waist by the time I get my (new) belt tight enough to keep them up.  I also seem to have shrunk out of the last of my 2X shirts.  They look ridiculous, but I can't seem to bring myself to get rid of them... I didn't have such a big problem with getting rid of the larger sizes, but now that I'm not fitting the 2X's, somehow my brain can't wrap around this size.  I'm trying - I have some new (2nd hand) XL and L shirts that fit so much better, and look better, but I still can't bring myself to get rid of the 2X's...  I think I'm really afraid at this point.  I don't ever recall being this size or smaller, so I'm kind of hung up on it.  We'll see how it works out.  I really want to get rid of them so that I don't go off plan and grow back into them.  Maybe I need to go shopping and see if maybe I can find replacements for some of them in the right size and that might make it easier.

The support from my virtual friends here on OH, and those (relatively) few that I know in the real world has been a huge help as I try to re-start and cross the finish line out of the active loss phase and into a lifetime of maintenance.  I'm still absolutely thrilled with my decision to have the surgery and change my life.  I just have to marshal the mental toughness and willpower to go back to the basics and move on down. 

Well - that's it for now - if you've stuck with my random thoughts this far, thanks!  I hope that somewhere you can find something that will help you along your journey - no matter where you are on it.  I'll try to post again soon to keep up to date on my progress towards the 5K.

I've been pondering several thoughts lately - and it just seems to help to vomit them out here sometimes so they don't keep going round and round in my head.  Not sure there will be any value here for anyone but me - but, hey, sometimes it's all about me!

First, I've been pondering how f'd up it is that I can now blend in with "normal" people in spite of the fact that I'm still classified as obese.  Not sure if this is a validation of the statements about rampant obesity in the US today or a statement on my continuing body dysmorphia... but, either way, it's just a little odd on a daily basis not to stand out in a crowd.

Second, I've been stuck at essentially the same weight for some time now (almost 4 weeks) and I've begun to ponder if I am actually afraid to lose more.  I know this seems particularly strange, but I find myself snacking or having that one piece of candy more often, and I feel like it's almost a subconscious desire not to get smaller.  Consciously, I feel like I want to get on down to an overweight or possibly a normal BMI, but for some reason it feels like I'm sabotaging myself.  I have to work on this because I know that my honeymoon period is slipping away - plus I have to go back to see Dr. Walton next week and I'd like to see a bit more progress before then.  It's a very strange feeling - I don't remember when I was the size I am now, so I have no concept of what my body will be like if I get smaller.  I found some old pictures of my last week of high school - I think I was 5-10 pounds heavier then than I am today.  Maybe somehow my puny brain can't work with the idea that I'm trying to be the same size I was as a teenager.  I don't know... I'm hopeful that I can move on now that I've un-burdened myself of the very idea... we'll see.

Lastly (for the moment anyway), I've been pondering how much room there is around me these days.  I have extra room on BOTH sides when I sit in my recliner.  I have extra room on BOTH sides AND behind me when I sit in my desk chairs.  I have noticed that somehow, my steering wheel seems to have moved farther away from me - I may even have to adjust my seat in the car before long.  I even noticed that I was able to climb into my wife's car to pull it into the garage this week and didn't have to adjust the seat.  This was a BIG deal, as my wife is tiny and short and a year ago, I would have been stuck between the steering wheel and the seat back if I tried to get into her seat without first scooting it back to the max.   I kind of like this whole space thing, as I've always been big on personal space and now it's a bit easier to get.

Well - enough rambling for now.  I hope to be able to post soon that the purging helped and I've moved on down my weight loss path towards a "normal" weight.

I put up my new 2009 desk calendar this morning and realized it is the 5th, which means it has been exactly 8 months today since I had my surgery.  My first appointment at WeightWise was 12/27/07, so it's been just over a year now that I've been on this incredibly journey.  Unbelievable the changes that have happened in a short year!

I weighed 233 pounds this morning - down from 378 at that first appointment.  I did not sleep with a CPAP machine last night (or any other for the last 6 months or so!)  I woke up early today so I could get on my treadmill before I went to work.  I have been on planes and trains this year and my a$$ fit in the seats on both.  My desk chair is too big for me now!  I do have to run a space heater most of the time to keep my fingers and toes from falling off, but other than that....

One of the most exciting things that has happened recently is that I came out of the holidays with a renewed sense of purpose to get down to goal by they time I hit the one year since surgery mark.  I have been working out daily, and (here's the exciting part) my 11 year old son has been working out with me!  He is truly the light of my life, and I'm hopeful that thanks to my surgery and new lease on life, he'll never have to travel the hard, hard road of being a morbidly obese teenager/college student/ 20-something that I did.  That life is hard.  People at those ages are cruel to those who are different.  I'm very encouraged by his willingness to work against the genetic curse I bestowed upon him at birth and I really feel like if the two of us keep at it, we can find him a better way to make it through.  My children were my biggest reason for taking the risk of having my stomach cut down to size... I don't want to let this one have to learn the hard way.  Confucius say "A truly wise man can learn from the mistakes of others!"  I believe I have a very wise child and pray that I can continue to be the example he needs to make a better life for himself.

As for the other changes - I have gotten rid of virtually all my fat clothes and am now a shopaholic (see previous blog entry.)  I didn't worry too much about that, because I expected it was only women who caught that disease... but I was wrong!  My rings and my watch don't really fit anymore... I'm going to have my watch taken up, but am holding off on my rings (have moved them to my middle fingers) as I only want to have them sized one time, and I'm not sure I'm quite at the right size yet..  My coats don't fit any more, but since I now have three or more layers underneath them all the time, it works out OK.  They look a little big, but they're still wearable for this year at least.

I haven't turned into a marathoner or an Iron Man triathlete or even a fashion model.  Sometimes when I read others' blogs here on OH, I feel like I should be doing more with my body now that I have this gift of health, but I'm really not moved to take enough time away from my family to do all the training that would be required for the more adventurous responses to health.  Maybe I'll feel a bit different when it starts to get warm again... we'll see. 

I thought of trying to add up all the gallons of water and bushels of vitamins that I've gone through in the last year, but then I realized that really isn't the point.  Those are just part of the trip - the important part is the change that has happened because of all those vitamins and empty water bottles. (Actually, I re-use my bottles over and over and over again, so there haven't really been many empties  at least they aren't empty for long before I refill them.)  But - just for fun - I calculate that I drink at least 1 gallon (128 ounces) of water per day at least six days a week... that makes 312 gallons (minimum) in 52 weeks since I went on the pre-op diet... now, if water weighs 8.33 pounds, that makes 2599 pounds of water that have flushed through my system, washing out 145 pounds over the year... so if my adding machine works right - that means that each 18 pounds or so of water  should be washing out a pound of body weight... keep on sipping.  I'm off to refill my water bottle again.!