Candysniper

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I do not know what is with me lately! I thought the emotional roller coaster was supposed to start AFTER surgery!

Anyway,  I have been really up and down, mostly down. I stopped meds for depression about a year and a half ago cold turkey when I made the decision that I was just going to take whatever life had in store for me and deal with it. I was tired of dealing with the side effects mainly the sexual side effects of taking meds. Sorry if that's a TMI but that is very important to me and intimacy with my hubby is very important to me (not to mention him!).

Fortunately for me, my hubby is very open and encourages me to talk to him whenever I am feeling down and he is also very supportive when I am in one of my "moods". 

Also, I have been having some really intense and disturbing dreams, not disturbing in content really but some very strong emotions emanating in the dreams which is unusual for me.

One in particular was very telling for me, in the dream I was in a shop that was about three floors up and I was responsible for making sure that the shop was open for business. Well I noticed that one of the doors was still locked and this door was one of the glass and metal doors that will swing either in or out when unlocked. I put the key in the door to unlock it and noticed that the key was really flimsy and felt like it was going to break if I used too much force to turn the lock. I delicately turned the lock and the door was free to swing open and then I noticed that there was no landing where the door was! If anyone stepped out the door they would fall three stories straight down into the parking lot! Unfortunately I was suddenly so scared to go anywhere near this door I could not even get close to it to lock it again. I was so frightened in fact that I had to wake myself up because I felt like I couldn't move or breathe.

This dream was very heavily symbolic for me & I can pretty much guess what that was about but I don't think that consciously or unconsciously that I have EVER felt fear that strongly. I really hope that my subconscious calms down and does not haunt me until I have surgery!

Well I don't need for this to turn into an epic so I'll sign off.

Well all of my pre-op tests are done except for my bloodwork which I cannot complete until about two weeks before surgery.

My upper GI showed a "minor" hiatal hernia that will probably be fixed during surgery. I have not gotten the results back from the chest x-ray yet but I'm sure there will be nothing to worry about.

I have told a few more people at work about my surgery and everyone seems pretty supportive. I am becoming less and less concerned about keeping it really quiet. I don't plan on sending out a global e-mail to announce it but now that people know that I am taking time off and got it approved through my supervisors I don't really care what people think.

A few of us have started walking every day and it is great to start getting outside and moving again. My ankles and knees are protesting quite a bit so I have to remind myself to take it easy & try to be the track star just yet.

Anyway, I am glad to start moving toward an exercise program, it will be that much easier after surgery.

Well my family visit went fine, I was of course worrying for nothing! After our visit, my hubby and I went on up to Donner Lake (for those of you who are not familiar with the Sierras, this lake was the site of THE Donner Party) and spent a wonderfully relaxing evening and Sunday afternoon in the mountains and then took a leisurly drive home.

Interestingly enough, during a conversation with my hubby I got out of him that he does not expect me to lose much weight after this surgery. He expects maybe thirty or so pounds TOTAL! I think he's going to get quite the shock when it really starts to come off in the first couple of months after the surgery. I'd be willing to bet he's going to worry that I will lose too much. I'm glad I know this because if I didn't I might take that as some sort of attempt at sabotage (not intentional of course but subconsciously).

All in all an interesting weekend!

Well I shouldn't have spoken so soon about not having to see my family, I will be going for a Mother's Day BBQ at my aunt's house on the 12th and if my luck holds like it has been, we'll probably have some sort of 4th of July thing. Maybe, maybe not. I say this as though they are terrible and really I have a wonderful family, it is me that's the problem. Although with the surgery being so close I find that I am beating myself up less for my weight and not worrying so much about what I look like, maybe because I know that it will be changing soon.

I also had an interesting dream the other night, and for me dreams tend to be a window into my subconscious so I paid attention. In my dream I was thin but I had a large amount of extra skin on my thighs, it kinda freaked me out. Then someone in my dream made a comment that I was crude or something along those lines and for some reason I just started screaming at them. I started saying something like "I'll never be a socialite so get off my back about it!" Hmmmmm, maybe I have a bit of fear that I am afraid to be me as a thin person. I do remember when I was thin I was utterly miserable and depressed, maybe I am afraid I will go back there in some twisted way. Knowing all that I know now and how little I care what other people think my conscious mind doubts it but the dastardly little subconsious devil may think otherwise!

Well I went to see my new PCP on Monday and he was not too sure about the VSG surgery. However, every question that he asked me I had a very detailed answer for and he said " I guess you've done your homework". He then proceeded to write out all of my referrals for pre-op tests! Hooray! I have a date for my upper GI and most of the rest I can just walk in whenever & get them done. I am going to try to schedule everything for one day and take one day off of work.

Every day I see my ticker counting down & it says 3 months and 4 days today. That seems like very little time but on the other hand, no time at all! Makes me nervous and excited at the same time!

Well the good news is our refi on our 2nd mortgage went through without a hitch and will fund on Thursday, hooray! That means I can call my doc's office and pay my fees and officially be official!

The bad news was I watched myself on video this weekend, UUGGHH!! We had a cake for my grandson's first birthday and I was unfortunately caught on tape. I have no concept of how large I am until I see a photo or video and then I just drop my jaw. I look like a huge bowling ball with legs!! Of course what I was wearing didn't help, I had sweats on which does not suck anything in but OH MY GOD I looked huge!

I think I need to play this and other videos back so that I can see how large I truly have gotten just in case I start to get cold feet or try to fool myself into thinking that I can lose weight on my own (HA!). I do have to say though, at any other time I would have tortured myself on how I looked and been horribly depressed. Now I realize how big I am and I don't get down on myself because I realize that it is not going to be this way forever. It's almost like I am putting things in my life on pause until my surgery, I don't really want to see anyone or go anywhere unless I have to because I just want to be in the "after" phase where I can stop thinking about food every second and beating myself up over it and enjoy my life.

Had  a nice visit with my family, went to my Mom's house & had a great dinner and a fun visit with everyone. As we were leaving I thought "this will be the last visit with my family where I am so heavy". I have never had anyone in my family say anything directly to me about my weight at family gatherings, it is just that I am very conscious that everyone else is smaller than me. I am also very aware of how much food I eat. I hate having people watch me eat anyway and it is horrible for me at a family gathering.

My mom used to be very overweight but is now very slender and everyone else in my family seems to be somewhat normal (compared to me) and I just feel like a blimp whenever I go to a family gathering!

I still felt large this time but I did not stress over it as much because I realized that the next time I see them, most likely at Thanksgiving, I will be four months out from surgery and hopefully there will be a significant difference in weight and lifestyle!

Wow, I actually have a date under my name now, I'm so excited! I also learned today that the refi on our second mortgage should not have any problems so funding the surgery and taxes will be cleared up soon, what a relief.

I also sat down and told my direct supervisor and the supervisor in a department I do a lot of work for that I would be out for surgery and they did not ask questions just said OK. Whew! Glad to have that overwith!

Now all I have to do is start scheduling my pre-op tests and thanks to Gael (you wonderful & lovely  woman you!) I have a new PCP who is WLS friendly and I won't have such a battle getting those tests done.

Amazing how things fall into place, ONWARD!

Well I finally had my consult with Dr. C and was relieved when he told me that I was a candidate and to call and schedule my surgery next week!

In reading over all of the pre-op information, it started to hit me that wow, I'm actually going to pay someone lots of money to cut me open and take parts out!! EEeeek! So far the only people who know about my surgery is my husband and one person I work with. I need to tell my best friend, I know she will support me but she is kind of a worry wart and I don't want to freak her out. On the other hand, if I do this and she doesn't know about it she'll get upset with me for not telling her so I don't want that.

I have so many things going on right now everything is overwhelming. All of the pre-op tests, my tax problems, cost of surgery & how to pay, when to schedule, what to tell my boss, etc., etc. I think I just need to calm down and take a deep breath & take it one day at a time.