Crunchy As Can Be

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This was a post I made on the VSG board, but I wanted to add it to my OH profile blog because it seems so poignant:

 

Taking the time to realize that I'm worth it is often something I struggle with, but when I give it a minute and really think on it, I remember that it's true.

I drift on and off of the VSG board depending on how busy my life is and the events surrounding my job and family that take up the majority of my time, so I don't always get to read every post on this forum... but of the ones I do get to peruse, I see a lot with strong themes of people wondering why their friends and family are making nasty comments, why their partners aren't "on the ball" with their getting healthier, of coworkers and others pressuring to eat off-plan foods and the struggle with how to deal with it, and lots of posts about body image (something I really struggle with in my own life).

And while reading these posts I feel badly that the poster is feeling sadness, anger and stress over the issue at hand, and I recognize times in my life when I felt similarly, and try to lend support, or if I have some that sounds smart enough to share, some advice.

One thing that I do try to make a conscious effort to do on a daily basis though is to take a second and remember (out loud sometimes) that I'm worth it all. I'm worth this HUGE decision to have surgery to get healthier. I'm worth changing my life to bring about a better me. I'm worth distancing myself from people who seem to want nothing more than to bring me down. I'm worth looking and feeling so much better. I'm worth speaking out about myself and requesting help and support when I need it. I'm worth the effort and money it takes to help me live a longer, more substantial and fulfilling life. I'm worth the attention I get from friends, family and strangers. I'm worth the time it takes to make all of this work.

So if you ever get to feeling down, or doubtful of yourself, or sad about a change in a relationship with a friend or family member that you've got, try to spend a brief moment refocusing on yourself and tell yourself (and others, too!) how important you are. Remember that focusing on the fact that you really are worth it all can do wonders to help other people realize it, too.

I don't think I have *ever* seen the light of day in the space between my thighs. I have, as far as I can remember, always had chub rub and have had to get new pants not because I've gotten too tall (or even too wide in the waist) but always because I have worn out the thighs until they've torn.

That was until yesterday...

I went to the gym (which I'd gotten out of a bit lately... lots of stress, homework, moving etc. and not going was a big mistake both for my weight loss as well as my mental health, but I'm back now!) and showered after my workout. When I put on my jeans I happened to look at myself in the mirror and see something white on the crotch of my pants. "This can't be!" I thought as I moved closer to the mirror for an inspection-- I'd only worn these jeans twice and couldn't think of how I got white paint or something on them already.

What I saw when I moved closer to the mirror elicited the biggest smile I've had in ages-- it wasn't paint or dirt on my pants at all, it was me seeing the white lockers behind me through the space between my thighs! And though the white speck of locker that I was seeing was very small (scarcely larger than a few molecules-worth, no doubt), I was officially part of the club whose thighs (almost) don't touch!

WAHOO!!

Will running be my new best friend? Probably not... but will it likely be a part of my life for a very long time? HELL YES!

I just ran in my very first 5K today with my very first "serious" pair of trainers and I feel freaking great! My legs are sore and I'm freezing cold, but doing this run today really helped me to realize the good I'm doing for myself and my future. It also helps me to realize that with hard work, patience and determination, that any goal I have is as good as mine.

I'm excited to keep up with this momentum and have already started researching other local 5K races in my area... and I think I've found a good one for 2 weeks from now... hooray!

My reasons were a combination of complacency, laziness, fear and body dysmorphia, I'm sure.

I was complacent and felt content that I was who I was and people would either love me or leave me, and I didn't need the ones who didn't feel like sticking around.

I was lazy and loved to make excuses about why I couldn't get my body moving, or why I couldn't eat healthier, or why I made the choices that I did instead of doing something to positively change my life for the better.

I was afraid-- of surgery itself, of how things would change for me in my social and romantic relationships, of failing, of becoming a person I wasn't comfortable with.

And I had a messed up perception of myself-- very healthy, to a point. I never looked at myself in the mirror and thought I looked like an humongous whale-- I looked in the mirror and saw a hottie. But I was doing myself a disservice-- that hottie had high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol (and was taking pills for all of the previous three), couldn't exercise without huffing and puffing and was doing herself in before she was even 30 years old.

I'm so glad I made the changes in my life that I did and took control of my health with VSG surgery-- If I had not done it, I'd have had no choice other than to continue down the grim road I was travelling to my definite downfall and eventual early demise.

And who knows, maybe I wouldn't even have been here today to be pondering and writing about such things!

This has been a busy week for me, but not having to do with work at all... except for a class I attended on Wednesday, my week was totally free (but flanked by working both weekends which I'm not looking forward to tomorrow) and I've done a lot!

On Monday and Tuesday I went to the gym for 60+ minutes each day and had awesome workouts, then watched DVRd episodes of Hoarding: Buried Alive and used it as motivation to clean up a little at my apartment.

Tuesday night my best friend came to town-- she didn't feel like cooking in the hot weather so I picked up chinese for dinner. Normally this would be a very bad idea (horrible for you sauces with tons of sodium and added sugar and fats, etc) but I picked a not-as-bad option and ate my home on-plan food first, then just a few pieces of vegetable and protein of the take-out.

Wednesday I went to a work education day and brought with me a cooler filled with baby bell light cheese, low fat string cheese, smoked gouda, egg salad, marinated tofu, veggies and some cherries. I ate in moderation and drank a liter and a half during the day.

Wednesday night my friend and I went to see U2 play at the new Meadowlands complex in East Rutherford, NJ-- it was a GREAT Concert! I hid more cheese in my pockets and handbag and bought bottled water and a G2 inside of the stadium... more good food options! My friend bought a beer, a blondie brownie and ate some corn chips. We both had ice cream. (Whoops!)

Then Thursday morning, with my friend sleeping away in the next room, I dressed and headed to the gym to do another great workout-- and I did running intervals, the eliptical machine and the stair machine! Then I went to my surgeon's office and had an appointment with the registered dietician who said I looked great, was glowing and full of energy, and was right on track with everything I was doing. AND I lost 2 more pounds since my last visit with the surgeon the week before. Hooray!

After that I went back to my apartment, picked up my friend, and we ran errands (I am in desperate need of a pair of shorts that doesn't fall down when I put them on, even with a tight belt!). I did get the shorts, as well as an awesome pair of running trainers to wear since I'm now a runner (who would have thought??!?!?!?!)! While being helped by the salesman at the running store, I had on about 5 different pairs of trainers and each time I had them on, plus a couple of times with different shoes on each foot, he encouraged me to go outside and feel what they were like on the pavement-- so I did. I ran around the block each and every time before deciding on the best pair for me.

I'm going to repeat that-- I RAN AROUND THE BLOCK about 7 times. After having already done an hour long workout in the morning. Yeah, that's right-- I'm hard core! :)

Every time I came back into the store, my girlfriend would comment "Geez-- you're so sweaty!" and I was thinking what else would anyone expect? I've just been running and it's 98* outside!

Anyway, throughout the day I got hungry... so I ate some pepitas and cheeses that I had packed with me while my friend ate snack bags of chips and doritoes. I drank sugar free drinks. She drank soda.

Then last night we met my boyfriend for dinner at a Greek restaurant. We ate family style and ordered a bunch of appetizers/sides to share-- I had a bite of spanikopita, a serving of gigandes beans in tomato/onion sauce and a couple of spoons of chunky vegetable sauce with feta and grilled shrimp. Also on the table was rice, lemon chicken soup and a beef pita thing, which I didn't eat because I'm a vegetarian. I felt good limiting the carbs and focusing more on the proteins and vegetables.

I'm so proud of myself for the life changes that I've been making. I'm far from perfect, but am using my head, my muscles, my sleeve and my newfound sense of conscious eating to help me along my way.

I love my sleeve!

Side note: one other thing I noticed at the concert, aside from making mostly better food choices, walking up all of the stairs to the top of the stadium for our nose-bleed (but U2 nonetheless!) seats, I did not huff and puff... also, my seat was next to a very large man. He must have been 6'5'' tall and weighed at least 350. At first I was thinking oh man, two great big people-- how will we both fit next to each other? But then I realized that I fit so much better in the seat that it wouldn't be a problem at all! And besides, I was up most of the night dancing in front of my seat getting smaller and smaller as the minutes passed! :)

Hard work and a lot of energy make me feel great, and feeling great enables me to do even more hard work and gives me more energy-- it's an amazing cycle!

Life is good.

 

Someone posted on the VSG message board a question of whether or not we miss eating and are we sad that we can't eat anything we want to like we used to before having had surgery and this was my response, which was truly an "aha" moment for me:

I'm still obsessing a little about food as I'm still relatively newly post-op and I really do believe I'm a food addict, so I do miss the "comfort" that I got from sitting down to a buffet and eating HUGE, or grazing all day long on snack foods and crap...

BUT, I am spending a lot more time nowadays thinking "Hey, I feel so good and it's only just the beginning!" instead of feeling remorse over not being able to stuff myself anymore. It is still a daily struggle for me to remember that we eat to live not live to eat.

Anyhow, I've been eating out with family and friends a bit lately, and I absolutely LOVE it. It's still just as delicious, a lot healthier, and a heck of a lot less expensive!

I don't even regret doing it one tiny little bit. Life is good.

I can't express more how pleased I am about having made the decision to have WLS, and more specifically, VSG. It is moments like these "aha" realizations that help me to see just how lucky I am and to know that it's my own self-awareness that is going to get me all the way to where I need to be for total wellness in both mind and body. I love this journey!