Cuddlernie
I'm 38, married, PCOS, and overweight since 2nd grade. I am a 2nd grade teacher who had Lap-band surgery 5-17-04 with Dr. Tayiem in Atchison, KS. I'm so happy! I love my band! I know it will be a long road to success, but the amazing joy of not feeling hungry is truly the greatest gift I've even gotten. I am desperate to have children and look forward to losing weight so I can seek fertility help.
6-12-04
I haven't even thought of updating this page! Silly since I come to the Lap band forum every day.
I am doing pretty well. I have healed nicely, but a couple of my incisions stretched after the stitches were removed and now they are purplish like stretch marks... ewww.
I started back to Curves this week and got in 2 work outs. I am down 13.5 pounds since surgery! It has been fairly steady, but I'm still prefill and know I am eating way more than I should. I'm hoping to get a fill in the next couple weeks. Since my first consult with the surgeon in March, I'm down 38.5 pounds. I'm sooooo excited, because for the first time I'm not worried that I'll start sabotaging myself at this point.
Summer schedule has me a little mixed up and in depression mode. My mother in law (who lives with us) just sits and watches tv all day. But she does it in MY living room, not her living room. I spend a lot of time sleeping and at the computer which isn't good. I want to be cleaning house and doing things, but I hate feeling watched. She's got some mental issues, so I tread carefully, as she seems kind of fragile right now.
I will try to remember to update this page more often!
420/381.5/under 200
6-20-04
Happy Father's Day to all you fathers!
Yesterday June 19th was my first fill! Dr. Tayiem put in 1.5 cc's and I can feel some restriction. I'm so happy because the past 2 weeks have been really hard on me. I even gained about 3/4 of a pound even though I worked out 4 days at Curves! I can't wait to weigh this week.
We had my family over for Father's Day. My sister made all the food: spaghetti pie, mixed veggies and butterscotch pie. I couldn't eat very much!! I tried to keep myself occupied with helping my 2 year old nephew, which kept me from too many bites. I did try a little of everything, including the pie! I didn't feel deprived at all, and I actually felt a little too full. I just have to remember not to drink with meals. Now that I've got some restriction, drinking on top of foods just sends the liquid right back up.
I'm so glad I got this band. I don't want to ever forget what all I had to go through to get here. This band is saving my life!!
Yes, I woke up today to about 1/2 and inch of water in the basement and my mother in law (who lives in the basement) quite stressed out. I was angry that she hadn't started cleaning it up (she's physically able) but was just watching TV. I tried to get the shop vac and had trouble... blah, blah, blah. I decided I needed to change my attitude and tried to focus on the good things, and putting praise music in my brain.
THEN I finally got to go to Curves for my workout. I KNEW I needed to release some stress and frustration. 2 weeks ago I didn't lose any weight, last week I gained almost a pound. BUT TODAY when I got on the scale I was down 4 pounds since Friday!!!
I had my first fill Saturday, and walked 2 major malls in Kansas City. I was so happy to be down again, and the workout felt great. I even went around an extra rotation because I was feeling so good!!
After working out my endorphins were raging! So I drove around a little while and ended up stopping to shop. I found a great deal on protein bars and drink, AND was able to find a NEW dehumidifier for the basement for only $25! Praise the Lord!
When I finally got home my hubby had mown the lawn. I didn't even go inside, just got the rake and started raking up grass! I felt like Super Woman! After which, I went in and made a healthy dinner for the family... and ate very slowly. THEN I went back down to the basement to do a 3rd pass with the shop vac!
It really is interesting how much exercise can change your attitude. I think my Curves workout was 80% responsible for my mood change today! Earlier in the day I just wanted to go back to bed.
Trust me... I KNOW IT'S HARD TO WANT TO EXERCISE, BUT THERE ARE BENEFITS THAT YOU CAN'T EVEN SEE IN THE BEGINNING!
420/378/under 200
6-22-04
I am proud of me, and have no one to tell but my journal!
Today I was very busy taking my MIL to her appt. and then spending almost 3 hours watching 1/2 of Pride and Prejudice with my friend. I had just gone down to shop vac the basement again when I realized it was 6:30pm and Curves closes at 7pm! I rushed out the door and did my 30 min. workout. I thought I would only go around once since I'd done 3 yesterday, but I did 2 times today! I even had the self control to NOT get on the scale today. I'm only weighing on M,W,F so I'm not psyching myself out. Hopefully I'll get to where I can weigh only 1-2 times a week.
I came home and actually made fajitas for the family, and was able to eat of little bowl of the meat and veggies.
When my husband took MIL to run an errand with him around 9:30pm, I decided I needed to go for a walk since it's almost COOL, and no humidity. I walked around the block once and then about 2/3 of the way down the street and back. I can't believe it!
OH! And the great NSV of the day? I was on my cell phone and sat down outside in one of our plastic chairs. For the first time, EVER, I was able to sit in it and not have the arms/sides biting into my thighs!!
Hmmmm... I seem to be talking a lot in exclamation points lately! Guess that's a sign of how happy I am with my band!
July 21, 2004
Haven't updated in awhile. I had my second fill July 10th, and it has made a world of difference! I am now at 2.25 cc's. I am so happy because I have restriction, but I can eat anything I want. I'm just NOT as hungry. I feel normal for the first time ever. AND since I'm eating normal food, I'm flabbergasted that I'm still losing 1-3 pounds a week. I don't FEEL like I'm dieting or being deprived. I love this band!
I've found that my band does get tighter with stress. My husband has been in crisis this week, and for two days I could barely choke down anything... even a McDonald's shake just sat there or came back up my throat. I'm hoping NOT to be THAT stressed anytime soon.
I am now officially down 50 pounds since March, and 25 since sugery in just 2 months. I sure hope I can keep this up.
9/19/04
Hi, all! I finally got my long awaited 3rd fill Saturday. It was the longest of my 3 and my first with flouro.
I left Wichita at 8:15am and just barely got to my 11:30 appt. on time. Dr. Tayiem came in and we talked about the things that have gotten my off track in the past 2 months. I swore that I would get back on track and begged him to give me enough of a fill to MAKE me compliant!
My port is right under my skin by my belly button. He put it there so it would be easily for fills because I have so much belly fat. Well, I don't think that strategy is working so well. Apparently, I have very tough scar tissue that has formed right over where the port is. He took an xray the first fill to make sure he was shooting for the right place. With the 2nd fill he was able to hit it, just push REALLY hard. THIS time... oy! He was pushing hard and couldn't get in! It even bent one of the needle tips! He talked about maybe needing to move my port which freaked me out a bit, because that would be another surgery. Then he told me tht I would need to meet him over at the hospital and have this fill under flouro.
I left his office about noon. He had a couple other patients to see, and was at the hospital about 1:15pm. He was able to get in under flouro pretty easily, but still had to really PUSH to get in.
When he pulled out the saline, there was only .5 left of my 2.25cc fill in early/mid July. I had good restriction for about 2 weeks, and then I fell off the eating wagon and was eating a LOT at a time (but never PBing). Then recently, I haven't had much restriction at all.
Does overstuffing the pouch push out the saline at the port? How can it be that I would only have .5 of 2.25 left? I had the same thing with my first fill of 1.5, only .5 left at the second fill, but from what I've seen here, that's fairly normal.
I promised the dr., myself and my husband that I would "be good" with my eating. Hopefully, if I'm compliant, then I'll see a difference at the next fill. He says I don't have a leak, because it still has pressuse when he puts the needle in. I'm just so curious as to where that saline keeps going!
Eryn
420/373/under 200
9-26-04
Yay! My plateau is finally busted! I weighed in at Curves yesterday and was down to 371. It wasn't a big loss, but it was SOMETHING! I have eaten better this week, and also made it to Curves three times... the first times I've done THAT in a long time. Oh, and when I calculated my BMI, it's FINALLY under 60! It's 59.9, but that IS under 60, LOL.
I don't feel as tight as I did right after my fill, and it worries me, because this time I KNOW that I'm not stuffing myself. I will just wait to see how things go. There is more self discipline involved in this than I realized. I wanted this band to STOP me from overeating. It doesn't. It just ENCOURAGES me to stop!
10-18-04
I've had such a "saga" with my fills... being tight for 3-5 days after and then a week of so-so and then nothing.
Today I went for my 4th fill... exactly 4 weeks since the last one. This time there WAS 1cc left in the band, of the 2.75 he put in 4 weeks ago. Well, my husband and I talked to him about the various options, and we agreed that it would be best to overfill me a bit so that when it relaxes, it will hopefully keep good restriction. I CAN NOT drive 3 hours every month for a fill!
Anyway, I walked out of there with a 3.75 in my 4cc band. Mama, it's tight! I asked to drink some water to make sure it went down. I took one sip, ok, then a second, and hmmm felt like it wanted to come back up, but I didn't let it. Stood in the hall and talked to the dr. another minute then he said he wanted me to take a couple more sips. by that 4th sip (total) I was really having trouble keeping it down, but thinking that it was going down.
We left the office, got in the car and headed for home. A couple miles down the road I was having the water come back to my throat so much I thought bringing a little up would help. I PBed water about 3 times into a cup in the car. Then we stopped for gas about 40 minutes out. I thought walking would help... PBed water/slime about 5 more times. :-(
So now I'm a little worried, because even with that, I was still belching "foam" up. I freaking out thinking I'm so tight I can even swallow my spit!! :-o
I thought maybe if I sucked on something it would be more liquidy, and not foamy. I sucked on a Lifesaver for a few minutes. I was feeling so burpy, I didn't even finish it. Ok, I'm starting to panic more and we're still an hour from home.
Well, I'm home now. I went to get some Gatorade, since I've actually spit up more in the past 6 hours than I've taken in! I've kept down a few sips of that, but really, it takes me 1/2 an hour to "recover" from a sip! I'm just praying that this fill follows my regular pattern and loosens up quick. I don't want to get dehydrated, and I don't want to :barf: with every couple sips I take.
BTW, he put in 3.75cc's.
Hmmmm, wondering if I could just get an I.V. for a few days till I loosen up! :-D
Oh, also BTW, I had only lost 9 pounds since July. So I want this restiction to help so much I really am willing to do liquids for a couple weeks, but I just need to be able to stay hydrated.
Sorry for my rambling!
Eryn
420/363/under 200
10/23/04
OK, I recommend NEVER being over tight! It was MISERABLE!! I tried to let it losen on it's own, but it didn't. Finally, on Thursday, Dr. Tayiem sent me to a dr. here in Wichita (yay!) and got 1cc taken out. Now I'm back at 2.75cc's
It was amazing. In just a couple minutes the reflux was gone, the terrible pain under my left shoulderblad left and I could DRINK again! I sat in the parking lot of the dr.'s office and drank 3 Dixie cups of Gatorade in about 15 minutes.
Yesterday I stuck mostly to liquids, and today I'm feeling "normal" again. I had a scrambled egg for breakfast and feel pretty full.
I'm hoping that this dr. in Wichita can do my fills from here on out. My port is right under the skin, so he just had to prick the port and pull out the liquid. So I asked him if he can pull it out, if he could put it back later. He said he didn't see why not. I looked last night and found that he's on my insurance!! So I'm REALLY hoping that this awful experience of being too tight will have a silver lining of letting me go to a dr. that's 10 minutes away rather than 3 hours away!
420/359/under 200
11/13/04
I have no idea how much I weigh today, but I KNOW it's not 359! I've been eating like a major binger since my unfill. I'm depressed and stressed and turning to food. *sigh* Even though I know it's not what I want to do, I don't seem to be able to stop.
I have an appt. to get a fill Mon. Nov. 22nd. I will be very interested to see if there is 2.75 in the band. My too-tight fill was 3.75, and the dr. took out 1cc. But my guess is there is .5-1cc left in the band. I have NO restriction. I can eat 2 pieces of pizza and then have dessert! I'm getting sick and tired of riding the restriction rollercoaster!!!
I sure hope being able to go to a local dr. for fills will allow me to keep the restriction consistent!
12/28/04
I FINALLY have my head together enough to update this on a positive note! I didn't weigh between early November and two days ago. I hadn't gone to Curves in almost 2 months. I just couldn't face the fact that I was eating and gaining and my clothes were getting tighter.
I had a GREAT fill a week ago on 12/20/04. For the FIRST time in 6 months, my band had kept all the fluid!! I was still at 3.5, so the dr. put in .1 more for 3.6 altogether. Wow, I'm really feeling restriction! Christmas was almost a breeze because I really couldn't eat a lot. I did give in to some of the fudge and cookies that went down easily... but overall, I thought I did pretty good.
Yesterday, I finally bit the bullet and went to Curves to weigh. I put the balance where I thought I'd gained to... and it went "PLUNK!" I kept moving it down and down and down until it was at 351! I actually lost 8 pounds in the past two months!! I think the tightness in my clothes is not working out. Everything accumulates in my tummy, so both shirts and pants will fit in the arms and legs and be too tight in the tummy.
But NOW I'm actually motivated to get back on track because I haven't lost ground like I thought I had!! I worked out at Curves today, and I'm determined to get under 350 this week. That will be a HUGE milestone for me, as it will let me weigh in my dr.'s office and on "regular" scales!
2/28/05
Wow, didn't realize how long it had been since I updated. I have really been struggling with the mantal issues of trying not to over eat or eat the wrong stuff. I have taken in a LOT of junkfood this month, even though I was doing the Curves Weightloss Challenge. However, I did want to update and say that I'm down to 346! I have actually been able to weigh on any scale I want, including at my doctor's appt! It's literally been YEARS since I've been able to weigh on a balance scale that only went to 350. So that's a big SV for me. I will update more later!
420/395/346/under 200
3-2-05
Well, I've finally "officially" lost 50 pounds since surgery and 75 since last March. Today I was 344.5 on a digital dr.'s scale WITH my shoes on which I don't normally do! :) I'm so excited to really be able to say those round numbers. Also, I calculated, and realized that I've lost 30% of the weight I want to lose. If I keep going at my slow rate it will take me just over 2 more years to get to my "ultimate dream goal" of 150. Even slow, 2 years is a blink of an eye these days! Yay, me.
420/395/344.5/under 200
3-12-05
I wanted to post yesterday, but I was just too stressed out to make myself type. Long story short, I really wasn't able to eat or drink anything since Tues and have it stay down. The dr. who's been seeing me in town (who doesn't know anything about lapbands) wanted me to go back to my original surgeon, because he just wastn't comfortable since I was having "problems." Accidently, yesterday I swallowed a hard candy that I was sucking on since I wasn't able to drink. I FREAKED and called my regular surgeon. They were a little worried, so they sent me for an upper G.I.... also because I thought I might be having some esophagial problems without the fill problems. They made an appt. for me to see my real surgeon at his Sat. clinic.
Well, NOTHING was getting through of the thinner barrium they were using, and I most of it up while I was still at the hospital. By this time I was getting pretty darn thirsty, even though I wasn't feeling particularly weak or dehydrated. Last evening and the 3 hour drive up there was a series of sips and pukes or swishes and spits. I was actually fantacizing during the last 20 minutes of the trip how amazing it would be to drink some water!!
He removed all of the fill, and I drank a 16 oz. bottle of water in less than 3 minutes. It felt sooooo good hitting my bottom stomach, which had started to yell at me about 1/2 an hour before we arrived at the clinic. My husband kept giggling at me because I was so happy to drink.
After the bottle of water, he filled me to 3.7... down from the 3.8 I was at. He said that .10cc's shouldn't make a big difference, but I know better. I PROMISE I WILL NOT GO ABOVE 3.7CC'S EVER AGAIN. I HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON AND I WILL BE A GOOD GIRL FROM HERE ON OUT!!!
I drank 3 more bottles of water and a can of Slimfast on the way home, and had a couple bites of a regular McD's hamburger (no bun) and a couple bites of ice cream on the 3 hours home. And just now I enjoyed a serving of nice mushy tuna salad! ahhhhh
I was hoping a fill right now would jump start me in weightloss and conformity again, and I think it has! Between Tues night and this morning I lost 13 POUNDS!! I know I will gain about half of that back with rehydrating, but I don't care. I've learned my lesson, I will not be over eating, and I'm just 13 pounds away from losing 100 pounds since THIS week last year when I joined Curves! Wow!
I really did feel better seeing my real surgeon and having him reassure me that everything looked ok on the Upper G.I. He was also very complimentary! This isn't usual for him with me, so I am just so happy I made the trip.
Eryn
420/395/333/under 200
3-24-05
I didn't update after I "rehydrated." I gained back to 341, which still left me with a 5 pound loss, so that was ok. But it wasn't untill yesterday that I'd lost again. Now at 338! I'm hoping to get back to that 333 by next week. I'd written in my planner that I wanted to be at 320 by the end of this month. I think I'll have to bump that to NEXT month to be doable.
I have noticed that yesterday and today I've been REALLY tight again. Kinda outta nowhere. Yesterday I had mostly liquids and didn't eat or drink anything after 8pm. Still, during the night I had liquid in my throat. This morning I'm trying to drink protein shake that's kinda thick, and I have to mix it with more water... but even still some of it has come right back up! I'm going to do only liquids today and see how it goes. I'm hoping it's just PMS, but usually during that time I get more open and hungry, which I have over the past week or so. I worried that maybe I'm blocked by something. I took a stool soften a couple days ago that was a gel cap that was a tiny bit bigger than what I normally take. I hope that's not it! I was just getting so happy with my perfect 3.7!
Eryn
420/395/338/under 200
3-30-05
I went to see Dr. Tayiem on the way home from Iowa (Mike's grandma died) and was really getting tired of being so tight. I pretty much didn't eat anything most of the time we were gone. I was able to drink most days, except the day of the funeral... which I think was caused by rushing and trying to drink cold water and not hot liquids first thing. It just set me up to PB most of the day.
So bottom line, I'mat 3.25cc's now, down from 3.7. I think I'm ok with that, because it had just gotten so tight. I'm so encouraged by my loss, that I think I can do better with my choices and really focus on eating healthy and keeping portions under control. I was 328 on the hospital digital and Dr. T's balance scale! I don't think I'm really dehydrated this time, so I don't think I would gain back more than a pound. I'm hoping to be 325 by the end of next week. I'm just 9 pounds away from my century mark!!!! And Dr. T. was really complimentary again. He said he could really tell by looking at me... and by looking at my pre-op pics that Schella had printed from my picturetrail. I ate baked beans, mashed potatoes and shredded bbq chicken on the way home (3 hours) from KFC. It was great to finally EAT!
Overall, I'm really happy with my band and my loss!!!
ERyn
420/395/328/under 200
This is my bandiversary post. I was banded 5/17/04 at 395. My highest was 2 months prior at 420. I'm starting this post on 5/15 because I know I won't be able to get out all my thoughts at once. Please forgive the length of this post!
I wish I could tell you what I weigh today, but I haven't weighed or worked out in about 3 weeks. I've been eating poorly (sweets and soft foods) and with school winding up next week, I've been on the stress train. None of that is an excuse, just where I am. I even gave myself 3 weeks off from working out because I knew I just wouldn't have the time.
***Ok, I weighed at school today (5/17) and I was 341.5, which is actually down a bit from the last time a weighed a couple weeks ago. That in itself was very encouraging!!
The past year has honestly been one of the most exciting and horrible years of my life. Those of you who have followed my saga know what I'm talking about. But for those of you who don't, here is the synopsis: My mother in law moved in with us the January before I was banded. She is bipolar and very weird. Right after my surgery, she went into a really bad depression, and was kind of in dimentia. I was taking care of her and going to all her dr.'s appts. In July, my husband who's struggled with alcohol for several years let the stress of his mother up his drinking. He tried to commit suicide with an overdose of sleeping pills and booze. He was in the psych hospital for three days... and then I went with HIM to his dr.'s appts. The stress I felt was the worst ever. School started in August, and I had my first student teacher. In addition, they threw LOTS of new procedures and things at us, and I felt like I was losing my mind. I started on Wellbutrin, which makes one MORE irritable for the first 3-4 weeks. I look back now and wonder how I made it through. I was a real basket case!!
During those months I was having trouble getting restriction to stay... it would be there, and then 1-2 weeks later it was gone. It was VERY hard to get into good eating patterns because it was never the same. Finally, in December, I was able to get restriction that stuck around. Then I got greedy and asked for a tiny bit more and started a cycle of too much, too little restriction that I'm kind of still in. The last time I was too tight, I lost down to 328... but a week and a half later I was back up to 344! VERY depressing. It's been since that time that I've been in this downward spiral emotionally, worrying that I don't have what it takes to be successful with the band. I KNOW I can do it, but I just keeping making bad food choices, especially with how much I eat, too many sweets and too many carbs.
I've come to the conclusion that I need some outside help. It's not hunger that's driving me anymore, but my food demons rear their ugly heads and I feel mostly powerless against them. I've decided to seek some psychological help. However, with our money situation and all the medical bills we still owe from my husband's suicide attempt, it's tough. (BTW, my husband was also diagnosed bipolar and has been doing GREAT since he got on a good combo of drugs!)
I'm looking at the summer as a time I can hopefully get back on track.
The GOOD things that have happened this year:
1. I have lost from a size 44-48W to a 28-32W depending on brand and style.
2. I have stuck with excercizing at Curves, even though I've taken off a month or so here and there.
3. I have lost at almost 80 pounds from my highest weight.
4. I can shop in some regular store's plus size sections.
5. I have more energy.
6. I can sit on the floor with my students for the first time in 3-4 years!
7. My feet have shrunk a 1/2 size.
8. I'm having better sex with my husband and feel more sexy!
9. People have noticed that I've lost weight.
10. I can finally weigh on the regular balance scale at my doctor's office!!!!!!!
11. I'm able to wear the seatbelt again in our car, and was able to lower the steering wheel in our truck because my tummy isn't so big.
12. Best of all... even though I'm frustrated and stuck right now, I KNOW in my heart that I won't gain it all back and I WILL be able to start losing again!
Really, even though its been a rollercoaster year, I can still say proudly, "I LOVE MY BAND! IT'S SAVING MY LIFE."
I know that this board has been a HUGE part of my success. Y'all are the best support system I've ever had! Thanks for sticking with me and caring throughout all this crazy year. I sure hope the next 12 months are much less exciting!
ERyn
420/395/341.5/under 200
5-31-05
It's been a couple weeks since my bandiversary, and stress and a tightening band have helped me lose a little more. When I weighed at Curves on Thursday, I was 338. When I weighed at the dr.'s office yesterday I was 331. I'll wait till I go to Curves to see if that 331 is accurate... BUT I'm losing again and excited that I'm almost back to where I was when I was too tight. School is now out and I'm going to try really hard to get back on track and make this a losing summer. So that when I go back to school people will really NOTICE that I've lost weight!!! I NEED to break 300 soon. I NEED to hit that 100 pound mark soon. I can do this, but it's going to take concentration. Anyway, I just thought I needed to update my profile, since I never got my bandiversary post up till today.
ERyn
420/395/331/under 200
6-9-05
Well, yesterday was quite a day for me and my band. An 8:00am upper GI showed nothing going through my band. At 2pm I was in Atchison where Dr. Tayiem took all the fluid out of my band. I then went to the hospital for an x-ray, which luckily showed all the parts of my band in the right places. I thought the dr. might do an EGD, but we decided to wait a few weeks with me unfilled and see how I'm doing then.
I'm still pretty swollen, I think, and have been feeling kind of sick to my stomach, but otherwise ok. I'm a little nervous about being totally unfilled, but I just need to keep my head about me and concentrate on doing what's best. I'm thinking I may try to follow the Curves plan during this time. I'm only 6 pounds away from my century mark and I REALLY want to lose 30-40 over the summer.
420/395/326/under 200
8-9-05
Hi, Prodigal Eryn here...
I haven't been around much in the last few months. I have lurked every now and then, but it's been a rough summer for me. Funny thing is, the only "trauma" that's happened was my total unfill at the end of May. Other than that, the GREAT news was that we moved my MIL out to a nice place and she's doing very well and loving her new apt. and the community around it.
I taught half day summer school and planned to go to Curves afterwards... I don't think that happened, but maybe once. Mostly, I came home, ate and ate and then took naps. Without the restriction of my band, I went back to my old habits of binging, even though I REALLY thought I had changed and that I'd be ok. I've said it many times in the past year, and for me it's totally true, the restriction of the band changes the way I THINK about food. :crazy: I've gained at least 30 pounds in about 3 months, but I haven't checked in several weeks. I have been seriously depressed, and recently started having severe anxiety which I've never had before. My dr. upped my depression meds and gave me something for the anxiety, but right now it's very hard to do something that I don't HAVE to do. So I think I've been to Curves 2-3 times since the end of May. Even writing this note, I've been struggling with anxiety and kind of panicking because I feel like such a failure. :-(
OK... I've had a 3 month pity party... I probably waited a little longer than I should have to get refilled, but did get 2.0 about 3 weeks ago. Could tell a little difference, but not much. Seriously, all summer and even with the 2.0 fill I was taking all my pills at once and just cutting my multivitamin in half and had no trouble. Last Thurs. I finally went back and am now back to 3.25cc's, which was a pretty good place for me before I got greedy and started the too-tight cycle which eventually led to the total unfill because I was so swollen from PBing all the time.
I noticed a difference right away, especially the next morning when I went to take my pills. I took a sip of shake and realized that I was going to have to go back to one pill at a time, and maybe warm liquids in the morning. I'm back at school setting up my classroom, which has helped me not have as much access to food... and a couple times I've realized that it's be HOURS since I've eaten and I'm not hungry. I've been drinking my water all along. I feel so heavy and my back has started hurting again due to the increased weight and the lack of exercise. I think that once I get back in the schedule of school I will be better. Also, my Curves is opening a new branch MUCH closer to home and school, so I won't have the "it's so much time and gas to get there" excuse. :)
I could sure use prayers. This anxiety and depression is awful. I've struggled since I was 12 and know that this chemical imbalance is part of my life. I'm so self conscious because of the weight gain, and the fact that I had just given away a bunch of clothes in the spring, so I don't have much that fits. And things that were "just" starting to fit don't anymore. Back to school time isn't a time when I want to look like a slob. I just need to get back on track. The band works... and now I know that I NEED it to really have control.
11-1-05
Funny, I don't remember updating my profile in August... and I still feel like a prodigal daughter!!
I wish I could say that I'm so busy working out and buying smaller clothes I just haven't had time... unfortunately that's not my story.
Last spring, right about the time of my 1 year bandiversary, I was down 90 pounds and was feeling wonderful about myself, my band and my exercise habits. Well, after several too-tight-too-loose times with fills, my band seemed to start tightening all on it's own. I couldn't keep anything down, and my doc suggested a total unfill to let the swelling go down. Honest to goodness I said to him with full confidence, "You know, I think I'll be ok because I have really changed my habits and my thinking about food."
Now, 5 months later, I've gained 30 pounds (most of that in about 2 months) stopped exercising and can NOT get back to good eating habits. AND I've had a good re-fill for 2-3 months now. I'm so heartbroken! I really thought that I'd beaten the demons and changed on the inside. Now the old tapes are playing in my head that I'll never be able to do this, that I'm destined to fail and I just don't have the will power. Of course, the change in my eating and exercising has also become a problem with my husband who is back to his "I'm just not attracted to you" stuff because he was attracted to the attitude change that went along with the other changes. Before my total unfill, even with my rollercoaster fills, I felt that my band was really keeping me from regaining. I know that I regained most of my weight while unfilled, but about 10-12 of it has been with my great fill. I'm eating junk food all the time and really binging a LOT.
A couple weeks ago I took a hard look at my life and decided that I really didn't like it. I'm teaching, and the demands at work keep getting higher and higher and they expect us to do more and more on our own time. I'm going to be 37 this month, I have no children (mostly because of my weight) and I feel like I live a tired, boring life. I am trying to change some things at school, I quit 3 committees and am trying so hard to change the number of papers I grade and record. I also started going to a counselor for eating disorders. I hope it becomes a good thing. I KNOW that the key is in my brain. My band keeps me from being really hungry yet I keep shoving food down my throat till it comes back up! I'm afraid I really have stretched my pouch, but I don't want to go to the dr. because I feel like a failure... and my dr. isn't the most supportive guy.
Right before I started gaining, I gave away a TON of my "fat" clothes because I was confident that I would NEVER need them again. I can't truly express how sad I am that I need them. I'm still down 60 pounds from my highest point, but you honestly wouldn't know it. Since I quit working out, I'm flabbier and having trouble with my feet and ankles again... which makes wanting to work out after 9 hours of teaching REALLY difficult to muster. I did make it to Curves twice last week, which was a victory for me. I'm desperate to change, but I still feel like my own worst enemy.
My biggest fear is that I will fail. Surgery was my last resort. What do you do when your last resort fails? This battle is all in my head and my heart now. So your prayers are appreciated and any suggestions from those who have overcome their food demons and negative thinking. I know is CAN be done I just want to believe that I am one of the ones that can do it. Right now I feel like a self fullfilling prophecy that no, I really am doomed to stay fat and die young and childless.
I'm sorry this is so long and depressing. I want to get back to where I was and have energy and confidence that I can be successful.
ERyn
420/361/under 200
12-5-05
I've been having a lot of reflux the past few weeks, and feeling like my band was getting tighter... well, today I went to the local doc and he pulled out only 3.0cc's... .25 less than what he'd put in! So it's really odd that I would be tighter if I've lost saline. He took out about .2 cc's so I'm sitting at 2.8 right now. I could tell an immediate difference! It's so nice not to feel like everything I eat or drink is just sitting in my esophagus or at the back of my throat.
3-22-06
Well, that .2cc's really did make a difference. It's opened up wide and I've been able to stuff myself silly. I think I've stretched my pouch becuase I've resorted back to my old food habits and turning to junk food for comfort.
I haven't been really active on any boards... but since I saw a post on another list from someone who was banded the same week I was, I thought I'd try to get some input as I approach my 2 year mark in May.
That was also about the time school got out, so my regular exercise schedule was interrupted. We were also able to move my mother in law out (yeah!) and I was teaching summer school half day. Well, finally having my house back after 18 months, I didn't go to Curves like I'd planned, I rushed home, watched "Starting Over" and ate... and ate, and ate and slipped into major depression. The start of this school year was VERY bad as they changed all kinds of schedules and things 4 days before school started, which wiped out the stuff I had worked hard to plan over the summer. The ensuing year has been the hardest ever. In fact, I've gained half if not more of my weight back. And then, I started having panic attacks, especially at school and have been off of work for the past month. I have been going to a group therapy 3 times a week for others with depression and anxiety and it has helped some. But after this spring break week, I'm back at school.
I've had my band adjusted a few times since July, but it goes in a cycle of ok or too loose, to too tight without me doing anything. in the past 3 months I've been binging and can eat tons of anything. I had started going to a eating disorder psych who encourgaged me to go to Overeaters Anonymous. I do feel that that is my problem, my addiction to food, but I haven't been able to be consistent with going. I feel like surgery was the absolute end of my rope, and now I've failed that! The past 3 years or so I've also been really depressed and angry at God that I haven't been able to have kids. But just when I was getting to a weight where I thought it would be safe or ok to get pregnant, I've packed the weight back on.
Worst of all, a year ago, I finally gave myself permission to get rid of the "fat clothes safety net" because I really felt like I'd crossed over to the other side. So here I am now with only a few clothes that fit, feeling like a fat, ugly failure. My joints hurt again and it's hard to fit into seats and stuff and I'm desperately trying to get back that motivation that I had before surgery. Cause even after surgery, when my band was adjusted right, I could fall off the wagon for a bit and not gain. Then get back to losing. Now, I just feel out of control. I think I'm doing all the right things seeking help, but making food choices in the evening is my downfall. My husband just started working 2nd shift so I have no accountability except for myself.
The pinpoint of light at the end of the tunnel is that my band seems to be getting tighter again, which is keeping me from eating as much quantity. But I'm in ice cream and soft food syndrome pretty major. Getting a "food plan" is my goal right now because that's where I need to start. Do I need to detox from sugar forever? I'm not sure... because when I felt like my band was working and I was working my band, I could have a little taste of my favorite foods and it was enough. But once that saline came out, all my brain chemistry changed! My band was too tight (PBing several times a day) a few months ago, and they took out just .2 cc's and then I was wide open. To me it doesn't make sense. And I know I'm WAY below the 3.25cc's I was once comfortable at.
Has anyone else had their band tighten on it's own? I feel like such a failure, but I also feel let down by my band some. I know I could do LOTS better if I'd get my food under control and exercise more... but beyond that, I want the secure feeling back that my band won't let me fail.
Eryn
6-13-06
Short and sweet because this blog has been so helpful for me to see my journey. I need a small fill, though I do have some restriction. I think I've found part of what makes my band tighten. It seems to be gas pressure, and it seems to be caused by almonds, and some other nuts that I was eating for protein snacks.
I've been having chest pains that the cardiologist can't really pinpoint. I'm soooo out of shape! I finally started working out at the YMCA, mostly swimming but also using the elliptical when I can. My knee started acting up before I even was working out so I'm frustrated that I can't just "get to it."
I finally feel like I'm coming out of my depressive funk that's lasted over a year. My meds are regulated and I am trying to get into the habit of exercise while not teaching. the only thing is controlling my food, which is still hard for me and I guess it always will be. I Weighed at the dr.'s office a couple days ago and was kind of shocked that I weigh about 5 pounds less than the day I had surgery 2 years ago.
12-15-06
A week ago I went to Atchison and got an unfill, then a endoscope, then an upper GI, then a 1cc fill.
Luckily, there was no damage to my pouch or esophagus from several months of reflux and throwing up with most every meal.
The dr. took out my fill right before the scope and I noticed an immediate difference! It's been so nice not to have my food and drink sit at the back of my throat! And I haven't puked once in the past week.
Now I just need to get my food and portions under control and get back on track.
4-21-08
Holy Cow! It's been a year and a half since my last post... and that was also my last dealing with my band. I've been at 1cc and eating and eating my way up to 452... skyrocketing past my highest weight before surgery.
However, there is now a fill office in my town, and I finally went! They were very nice, and filled me to 1.6cc. It's restricting for now, but I'm sure I'll need to go back in a few weeks. They even have a support group, so I'll finally get to go to one for the first time in 4 years!!
So much to fill in, but it will have to wait a few days. I just know that This profile has been the ONE place that I've recorded everything to do with my surgery and weight loss/gain journey.
ERyn
6-6-08
I got another fill today. My weight was *only* up 2 pounds since April, but that was great because I had been really binging. This latest fill has allowed me to have some restriction which helps me control the portions, but I can tell it's not my "sweet spot."
I LOVE my new fill clinic!!!! They take a lot of time to help you and to work on education. I was there almost 45 miin. talking about my stress and my eating habits, and making a plan. It was so encouraging.
Eryn
