dbaker23

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I was at a plateau for 3 weeks, only lost 3lbs, just 1 a week... so I got discouraged at the scale & stopped weighing for a little while.. I made an appointment with my nutritionist for yesterday morning because I was worried I was doing something wrong ~ I know about the stalls, I even had a mini one in the beginning but I hadnt stopped losing completely, just slowed down a huge amount so I just thought it would be better to be safe & reassured & if I was doing everything right, GREAT, if not, at least she could tell me what to change while its early. Well not only did she tell me I was doing fantastic with my food choices, calmed my paranoia about the daily calories & carbs, but I found out that I hit my 100 mark exactly yesterday!!! I am now 361! I ALMOST can weigh myself on a normal doctors office scale! I dont even remember the last time that happened! And I feel AMAZING! I have so much more energy & am constantly wanting to be out doing something lately!  I absolutely love it! After I was cleared for regular foods I had a big problem keeping anything down for about those first 3 weeks. I was getting sick on every little thing I ate - and I do mean EVERYTHING.. I hated food for that period of time. It got to the point that thoughts of food or smells would make me really nautious... that has gotten better & I have not gotten sick though in a few weeks now.. Im still not too fond of food though, which is not a bad thing. I guess just because I was cleared to eat regular foods didnt necessarily mean my tummy was ready for them... Im even getting in my regular amount of required protein now!!! I feel so great. I can say in all honesty, there are no regrets thats for sure! I owe all of my gratitude to the amazing man who gave me another chance at life ~ my wonderful surgeon!!! 

So in less than 16 hours I will be at the hospital!! I cant even describe how excited I am!! Nerves?... I dont have a CLUE where they're camping out!!! I was sure I would be a nervous wreck by this point, but nothing but anxiety to get to the hospital!! lol... Im sure that will change in the morning. Once I start getting poked with needles & the IVs going, I will probably be freaking out! I cant believe its FINALLY HERE!!! Now all I need to do is hope that nothing gets in the way of this again!! There is always last minute rescheduling and stuff like that... Im hoping I dont have it but just knowing its a possibility! Uggg... Well for now its all a go!!! Wooohooo!!

I got my call today & was told the dates on the insurance approval letter were only tentative dates & my surgery is actually going to be August 19th... A little later than I expected but I don't even care. All that matters is that it is SCHEDULED!!! I finally have a date & this is actually going to happen!!! Also weighed myself again today (first time in almost 2 weeks) & I am down another 7 pounds!!! Only 17 to go to be where Dr. Cole wanted me by surgery!!!

I came home from work today to an envelope from my insurance company. I was 99% sure that I had been denied because I have been trying for so long for this, it has just been unthinkable that this could actually happen... When I saw that it said "Request Approved" I just cried... I am still shaking and it is hours later!!! I just can't believe this is REALLY REAL!!! FINALLY!!! I have waited for so long, I think I am still in shock!!! I think my surgery is going to be August 5th but I am not completely positive yet. I have to call the office tomorrow to check... I just feel as if my life has been put on hold these last few years because I NEED this just as much as I want it & I've just felt like the weight loss is my biggest hurdle to jump before I can truely move on with my life... Here I am, finally at that turning point that I never thought possible! Everyone here has been so amazing & so supportive, I really appreciate it. You are all amazing! I will post again to verify the surgery date!!

I called the office yesterday to see when exactly my paperwork had been sent to the insurance company & was told that it hadnt! Its been like 3 weeks & they told me after the 1st week that everything was already together! So I was pretty upset... She said that they would send it in today though, it was too late by the time I'd called yesterday. Well today when I got out of work I had a voicemail from Debbie saying that she sent the stuff in and we should be hearing from them in 1 or 2 weeks!! I was happy, but as I was driving home it really started to kick in & I just started crying... At this point it finally feels REAL... After 4 long years, this FINALLY might be it! I just cant wait!!!

Usually I am good at blowing off what other people say about my weight, the rude & hurtful comments and glances & even laughter... But for some reason tonight it got to me... I work at Gertrude Hawk for one of my jobs. Not like I was job searching and was like "OUH!!! A CANDY STORE!!! I HAVE to work THERE!!!" I work at Things Remembered which is right across the hall in the mall & just kind of fell into it at Christmas time as seasonal & ended up staying. So anyways, I am used to people walking by and giving me disgusted looks as they walk by, seeing an extremely overweight person working in a chocolate store.. But thats only one thing and I usually ignore it... Well tonight I had a few groups of people do that & I just kind of ignored it... One guy even walked by with his daughter and the daughter was crying to go get candy. The dad said, "honey look.. you dont want to go in there, you will end up like that fat woman." that gave the wife or girlfriend a good laugh.. When I walked out to my car there were a couple of guys in the middle of the parking lot and I noticed the one look over at me, get a big grin on his face, looked back to his friend & must have said hey look at the fat girl or something cause the friend & him both looked back & both started busting out laughing... If that isnt obvious I dont know what is. I got in my car & just cried the entire way home. I started thinking about how many times each day I hear comments about my weight, the looks I get, the laughter I hear after people look my way & decide Im the hugest thing that ever walked the face of the earth... and I rarely ever let it bother me.. Well tonight I was thinking that even if this surgery ever happens, I will never be normal. I might lose the weight, which at many points in my life I have thought things like 'if only I was a normal weight, or if only I was skinny... everything would be ok' Well I know now that that is not true and Im sure never will be. This is what I have been waiting on for 4 long years. I want it more than anything in the world. I know for a fact this surgery will change my life for the best, but I also know the past & who I am right now is going to haunt me for the rest of my life no matter how much my body changes. The internal scars I have accumulated throughout the years will never go away, I am almost positive of that. Its so hard for me to trust in the things that people say to me, or the few and rare comments I do recieve. I know the majority of people say to our faces what they think we want to hear. As I started getting bigger I pushed people away... I started putting distance between myself & friends, believing that they didnt really want me around anymore & just wouldnt admit to it.. Now its like I dont even have a life anymore. I just go to work & hang out with my family. I dont really have real friends anymore... You know, the kind you tell everything to & spend free time with, go shopping with... The close friends I used to have are mostly out of the picture. I occaisionally see some of them & we share a few passing words but thats it. Basically over the years Ive become a loner. Ive learned to keep most things to myself because I feel that things that matter to me dont really have any importance to many other people. Thinking about all of these things on my way home tonight I just realized Im in for yet another struggle. Im beginning to realize that I cant even IMAGINE myself 10 or 20 years from now... Assuming I have the surgery this time around, I guess Im in for a quite a journey, and as Im learning, in so many more ways than I ever thought. I just cant wait to get started... Im ready for my new life & all of the unexpected joys and struggles that come with it.

I called the office yesterday & found out that its been a week and my stuff hasnt been submitted to the insurance company yet... I was kind of disappointed, but very glad that I called, instead of waiting, worrying that it was taking so long because they werent going to approve or something crazy like that... lol At least I know. Gonna try calling back monday or tuesday. The person I spoke to said I was 2nd in line, that the letter had already been written, it was just waiting to be looked through to double check and make sure everything was there. On a happier note, I went to the office today out of curiosity to check my weight again... 434!!! 3 more pounds lost since last thursday!!! So excited about that!!!

Yesterday was my appointment with Dr. Cole! Turns out I made it to 437lbs! (He wanted 436!!! Only 1 away!!)  As soon as he started talking as if the surgery was actually going to happen & telling me about possible complications and the risks I almost cried right there!  He was no longer talking "if this happens" but "when.." Before I left he told me he was going to write a letter to the insurance company & I should hear from them in 2-3 weeks with a possible surgery date!!! It has been 4 years, I NEVER thought I would get this far! Im still trying hard not to get my hopes up too much because I dont know what my insurance's response will be, but its so hard!!! To think this time it might really happen!

I created a profile on dailyplate.com last night & added in everything I ate yesterday from breakfast to snack... only to find out I consumed 2,066 calories yesterday!!!! I COULDNT BELIEVE MY EYES!!! I have been doing great and eating small portions! When I looked at the details 1,140 calories came from RANCH DRESSING, MAYO & BBQ SAUCE ALONE!!!!!!!  I was so shocked! I cant believe I didnt pay more attention to those! They seemed like the little things to me, I had no idea how quickly they were adding up! I immediately went to the store in search of a new salad dressing and found the spritzers which only have 15 calories for every 10 sprays & got a few to try. The mayo and the bbq I can live without!!! BEWARE of the condiments!!!!!!!

Tomorrow is my appointment to go back and see Dr. Cole! When I saw him April 28th, I weighed 461lbs & he told me he wanted me to be at 436. Told me that if I came back and I wasnt there he would think I wasnt serious. (Because of my age, its not only to go in healthier & shrink the liver, but me being 20, apparently most people in my age group who have this done dont follow up for 5 years, just say oh, I lost the weight Im cured... I know better but need to prove it..)  25lbs. He told me to give myself a couple months. Well the first week I lost 15lbs right off so I was feeling really confident I could get that last 10 off & scheduled my appointment with him for tomorrow... only giving myself about 5 weeks. I should have known better. I was never able to lose that quickly in the past, why all of a sudden would I be able to now? I stopped at the office yesterday to weigh myself before work, just to see where I was. If I still had a lot to lose I was going to reschedule. I was 440. ONLY 4LBS OFF!!! While thats great, I feel alot better & have been walking, I was in a do I or dont I situation... I didnt know whether to reschedule & be sure it was off, or keep it... Well clearly by this post I chose to keep it... Im so scared that he is going to shoot down my last chance! Being only 4lbs away & it only was 5 weeks instead of the 2 months I am hoping he will see how I have been trying... But then the 2 months was only a suggestion, it was my fault I made the appointment sooner... Im so scared that I might have made a huge mistake!!