LIZA B.
THE BACKSTORY.....
I was never a skinny child, but never fat. Always had a tummy. It was cute at age 3, but at age 30 it's horrible. I was alway overweight, but when I hit my mid teens the weight just kept coming on. I'd diet and lose, gain, diet and lose, then gain again. I swore I'd never go over 200# and just two weeks ago I found out I've gone over 300#'s. I wanted to just die. I decided then and there something drastic would have to be done, because I am slowly killing myself and I'm watching my life go by. I want to enjoy my time with my children and be able to run around and play with them. Now all I can do is sit on a bench, while I watch my husband interact with them. And my sex life....well, I try. It's not fair to my husband that I don't have the energy to enjoy our married life the way we should. I love him so dearly, too.
I'm hoping to get an appointment with Dr. Daniel Herron. I've read wonderful things about him and recently met another one of his patients, who gave me some of her "Big" clothes...which still won't fit me just right.
Here goes this journey, I'll keep you posted step by step.
6/12/01
I had some disapointing new yesterday. I had wanted to use a Dr. Daniel Herron, but after his calling his office, I found out he wouldn't even be able to see me until September 20th. I explained the urgency of my situation, being that I have to get this done during the summer because of my job. They were willing to put me on the "urgent" waitng list. That just won't do. I can't wait around to start my life, again.
So, I've decided to go with a Dr. Elmer Valin, here in CT.. I have my first appointment with him next Tuesday the 19th of June. I can hardly wait. If I'm this excited over a consultation, I don't know how I'll be waiting for the surgery date to come. I pray that all goes well with my insurance and that I don't have to wait a long time to be approved. I'm nervous about all the testing, but hey, "no pain, no gain" right?
'Til next time!! Hugs to all!!
6/16/01 3:41PM
Yipee!!So far so good. I called Dr.Valin's office on Thursday and asked if I could have the phone # to the nutritionist and the psychologist, so I could start scheduling appointments (here I haven't even seen him yet and I'm scheduling everything already) This is typical behavior of me, very impatient. That's probably one of the reason diets dont work for me, I can't see the results fast enough. Well, Cecil, Dr.Valin's receptionist says she'll call me back with the info. As promised she calls me back later in the day and tells me she can't give me the info yet, but I could come in on saturday for my appt. instead of waiting until Tuesday. I was so excited!
Soooo, after not getting much sleep last night, I got up this morning, toted the family along (consisting of my husband, my almost 5 yr old daugher Karina and her 2 1/2 year old son Taylor) and went on my way to the appointment. Dr. Valin's office is near the hospital that I'm having the surgery and it's a very modest office. It is an older house that's been converted into a doc's office. Again, the atmosphere isn't fancy, but professional and clean. The receptionist this morning was Debbie, who happens to also be his wife. She was soooo sweet and caring. She watched the kids for me while my husband and I were speaking to Dr. Valin.
The big question, what was he like? He was very professional,compassionate, empathetic and honest. He wanted to make sure I understood the surgery and the process before and after completely. He showed me a picture of what I will have done and showed me the size of my stomach now compared to how big it will be after the surgery. He said I will be very sedated for the endoscopy I will have done and seems that keeping you comfortable and pain free are concerns of his. I told him I had a barage of questions and after he was finished with his informations he said "Okay, shoot with ALL your questions". How cool is that. He listed to every 22 questions I had and answered everyone of them.
The bad news...I can't have the surgery Lap because of the current size of my belly. He feels it will be too complicated. Oh, yeah, also because my weight has shot up since 4 weeks ago, when I last weighed myself, my new weight is 332#'s. That not only puts me in the "morbidly obese" category, now I'm in the "SUPER OBESE" category. How wonderful is that?LOL But you know, with all the other good things, I'm not to crumbled over it. I'm really happy with today's results and you know I will be on the phone with the nutritionist first thing Monday morning. Well, that's all for now. Hugs to all on this side and the other side!!Muah!
6/17/01 7:00pm
I spoke to my Dad & Stepmom about the surgery, today. My father, God bless him, is the type of person that feels you can do anything you want to WITHOUT interventions. Although, I love him so dearly, he is so frustrating and still treats me like I'm 12. I first briefly mentioned to him about the surgery a couple of days ago and told him I have done much research on this. He says to me "okay, well give me the info and I'll let you know". I had to gently explain that I really wasn't asking him if I should do this, I'm telling him. Imagine this, I'm going on 31 years old (August 24th to be exact, you can send cards LOL) and he thinks I'm asking him for permission on this. Well, I explained all the information I've read about and by the end of the conversation they seemed supportive of my decision. they may not be very happy with the decision, but at least they aren't completely against it. Well, the biggest obstacle I had emotionally on all this is over. Of course, if I should die from this surgery, he'll never let me hear the end of it. LOL
6/18/01 11:33pm
I can't believe how quickly and smoothly things are moving. I'm taking this as a sign that this is meant to be. Last Monday I called to get an appointment with Dr. Valin and I was able to see him by this past Saturday. I made the calls today, a week later, for the Psych eval & the nutritionist and I was able to get an appointment for each of them on the same day. I also called over to our HR department at work, to find out about the short term disablility. It's a large dept. and there's one guy there who I don't like. I asked the receptionist for the dept. who handles STD and she said this guy. I thought great, I can't stand this guy and my future relys in his hands. I figured, oh well I'll just have to call him and be sweet. I left him a voicemail message to call me in ref to the STD. I get a call back about a half hour later, from one of the sweetest girls in the HR dept. stating that this guy transfered her my call because it was her who now handles the STD. I thought, WOW CAN THIS GET ANY BETTER. She answered all my questions and made me feel at ease about having to take the recovery time. I have to say I truly believe I am blessed in all this and I really believe God is guiding his hand over this entire journey for me.
6/20/01 7:19am
I'm sitting here drinking my morning coffee. My most wonderful husband is asleep and my angelic (yeah right lol) children are quietly sleeping, so is our cocker Baby. The apartment is so serene and I've been doing a lot of thinking. There's been some talk on the board lately about the complications of surgery and the worst outcome, that we don't make it to the "other side" of surgery but the REAL "OTHER SIDE". Yes, I'm talking about dieing.
As much as I totally and undeniebly love my husband it is the thought of my children losing there mother that scares me the most. I am suppose to be their protector and how can I do that if I am not around. I feel a little guilty because I think that if I die of elective surgery, how selfish is that? I chose to put myself into a position where I might be taken away from them. But this is where my faith comes into play. Do I go to church, no, do I pray all the time, no, but I do believe that there is a God out there that watches over us and he knows when our date to go is.
I've always believed that I was destined for some type of greatness, whether that be a greatness that is known all over the world or just in the circle of my family, I don't know, but what I do know and believe in my heart of hearts is that I have a lot of living to do and I have not accomplished what I was put on this wonderful Earth to do. I believe this as much as I believe the Sky is blue and I am alive and sitting here typing this. I know that I was not put on this Earth to struggle with the things in life that I've had to go through, only to go out with a fizzle on a hospital operating table.
I've been going through an enourmous rollercoaster of feelings over the last few days. From complete ellation that this is probably going to happen soon, to absolute devestating fear that I may not be able to have the surgery because I'm denied by my insurance. I figure after reading all the posts and profiles this is absolutely normal. I am just so greatful that I have this little place on the internet to let these feeling pour out.
6/24/01 7:30am
Hi all!! Well, I have my psych & nutritionist appointments tomorrow and I'm nervous and excited at the same time. I've heard this psychologist can be tough. Plus, apparently he's had this surgery, too. I hope I don't say anything to him that would cause him to reject me having surgery. Just my luck lol.
6/25/0111:34pm
I had my appointments today. The visit with the nutritionist went well and she feels I am a candidate for this surgery. The psych appointment was a little different. I had heard that this therepist is tough and I feel he is. First I was almost 20 min late for the appointment, because I went to pick up my car first and my mechanic wasn't there yet. So that wasn't the best start for me. Because of being late, we had to cut the session before we could finish and I have to go back this Thursday. Although, I've been researching this about a month, vigorously, he says I need to research even more. It pisses me off, because he just assumes I haven't researched this enough. I'm trying not to get hostile over this, that's the last thing I need.
7/2/01 8:36pm
Hi all! Okay, I've decided to keep brief posts here, so I'll keep people update. Saw the toughy therapist again and he was better this time. I have to admitt, that in thinking this over again, I may be a little tough on him, because I don't want to hear anyone even remotely try to covince me otherwise. But he was still a bit of a jerk. LOL. I have a surgery date scheduled for 7/31 and will be seeing Dr. Valin again tomorrow for our second visit. It's all moving so fast, but I'm soooo grateful for that. I know there are people out there who it takes them months or years to accomplish, what I've been able to succeed in only a few short weeks.
7/7/01 9:37am
Saw Dr. Valin on 7/3. Finally finished that awful fasting diet and went into Ketosis on day 3. The second visit with him went well. We talked a little more about the surgery and he said he is willing to try the Lap on me, but he has to check the endoscopy first. If it looks good, then he will go for the lap.I'm so excited 'cause I really wanted this done lap. That's all for now, I'll keep you posted.
7/15/01 12:31am
Well Folks, I'm just about 2 weeks away from the next big step of this journey. I'm getting even more excited and yes a bit nervous. I have a confession to make. I was scared out of my wits today. I had this horrid dream that I died, but not from the surgery, that someone had shot me. The part that unnerved me the most is that in the dream, although I was dead I was able to still talk to my husband for a few days. He couldn't see me, but I held his face and wispered in his hear, "No matter what anyone ever says, you are the best thing that has ever happend to me and I will love you forever." Tears rolled down his eyes. (In reality, my husband has had very few times in our life that he has shed a tear) This broke my heart, in the dream. I woke up sobbing and John had to hold me for a good 5 minutes, until I could catch my breath, from the crying. He finally calmed me down, but I have been meloncholy all day.
I truly believe that this dream happend for two reason. The first being that I have been pushing the thought of dying from this surgery out of my head. My brain has always had the keen ablility of forcing me to deal with issues, even when I myself don't realize I'm avoiding them. The second reason for this dream is because I've been saying from the start of all this, that if I didn't have children, I wouldn't give the complications of surgery a second thought. My feelings being that my husband is a grown man and would deal with it and move on. How cold of me to disregard the pain he would go through, like that. Anyone that knows us, knows that we have been through hell and back in the last 9 years, but we finally seem to be on an even ground and all is as wonderful, if not better than I could have ever imagined. I love him with every cell in me and I would hate for him to go through any kind of pain, because of my loss.
The fact of the matter is, I have a lot of faith and spirituality and know in my heart that if I go, I will not suffer, because I will be in a better place and will not feel the loss, as the ones who are left behind would. But this dream made me realize how much I love my husband and children. John and I have discussed this surgery and the pros and cons. He wants me to have this surgery only because he sees how miserable I am at being as large as I am. He sees the physical and emotional pain I go through and wants me to be a whole happy person. He tells me all the time how beautiful he thinks I am and if I never lost a pound he would love me just as much, but he wants to see me happy with myself.
Excuse me while I digress for a momment and profess my love.
To my Darling Husband,
Fat or skinny, in this lifetime or the next, I will love you forever and you will for infinity be my Bestfriend, lover and soulmate!!!
Love,
Your Beemer
xoxoxo
7/27/01 6:39PM
Okay folks, we're getting down to the wire. I went for most of my pre op testing today and this is starting to seem real. I had been freaking out a little over the last few days, about this. The enourmity of this change can be overwhelming. Don't get me wrong, I most definatley still want to do this, but like any life changing event, one can always have a little cold feet.
The testing went well, completely painless. The Endoscopy was the part that I was most worried about and turned out to be nothing at all. The worst part of it was the spray they put in your throat to numb it. My surgeon sprayed it and said to swallow. For the first second it tasted like Wrigley's Juicy Fruit Gum, but WOW.....when you swallow it is nasty stuff. Of course your throat becomes numb instantly, so for the Doc to say swallow is just hysterical. He then injected the Demerol & Vercid into my I.V.. He asked how I felt, my response was " I feel fine, I'm ....feeeeelin'...the......zzzzzzzz" GONE! I can vaguely remember hearing someone say "Swallow, Liza, Swallow", but it's more like a dream than a memory. Next thing I know I'm waking up in the recovery room. I can only hope that my actual surgery goes as easy as this.
UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE, UPDATE
8/7/01 7:54pm
I had my surgery on 8/2 and can't believe it's been 5 days already. Thanks to all the prayers and support I had the whole process wasn't sooo bad...except for the breathing tube. That was hell on Earth for me. Being that I am a smoker of almost 15 years, it was difficult and wouldn't want to ever be on a ventilator again. After that was taken out, it was smooth sailing from there. I'll be seeing the surgeon tomorrow, so I'll have an update on the weight loss. Right now I'm still getting tired easily and need to sit down, but I'll keep ya update. MUAH!!
8/24/01 9:05PM
Wow, has it really been two weeks since I last posted? I guess it has. Well, I'm just over 3 weeks post-op and feeling pretty terrific. I'm gaining more and more energy everyday. I couldn't sleep at night in the begining, but now I'm sleeping a lot better. I haven't had any problems with any foods, in fact I'm on regular foods already. I don't seem to be intolerant to anything. I've had even tastes of ice cream and they stay down okay.(That was for my brother's birthday party) The only problem I've had is my incision isn't healing as nicely as I'd like it to, but it's a small price to pay. I ate too quickly the other day and it made me vomitt....lesson learned. The bet part is I'm down 34lbs. WOOO HOOO!! Stay tuned for more!
9/4/01 8:36PM
It's been a month since my surgery and I can't believe how well I'm doing. Scratch that....I do believe it. Although, I don't notice a lot of the weightloss, I do feel some of it. I have gone down about 2 inches on my waist and hips and it's soooo great to know they will be gone forever.
Today I did something I haven't done in years....I went to the gym. I thought the walls would crumble down around me as I entered the door, but funny enough it didn't. I got on the treadmill and did 25 min of walking, .85 of a mile. I'm so proud of myself I'm surprised I'm not spreading peacock feathers...he, he. Right now I'm on such an adrenaline kick, I feel like I could conquer the world. I'm not sure exactly how much weight I've lost but it's 30 something lbs. I don't own a scale so I weigh myself on different scales all the time. Honestly, I'm trying not to focus on the scales, I'm focusing on what I'm eating and staying healthy. 'Til next time. Muah!
9/22/01 8:23am
Hi Ya!!! This has been an extremely frustrating week. I've been on a plateau this week and have gained and lost the same 2lbs over and over again. I am now down to 282. I had said last time I was trying not to focus on the scales, but it is so difficult, not to. I shouldn't weigh myself every day, but I do. If I waited a week and saw I hadn't lost anything that would kill me more. I would be happy if I had lost tons of inches, but I've only lost a couple of inches on my waist, hips and thighs. I know that people have plateaus, but it's so hard when it happens to you because automatically one thinks " Oh my God, I'm the one person this isn't going to work for!!" It's ridiculous to think like that because it's virtually impossible not to lose weight with this surgery. I have to add in more excercise, but with the kids starting school and my starting back to work, it's been virtually impossible. I will start this week for sure. I have to make it a priority above all else. I have to do this for me, I have to treat myself well.
9/29/01 7:14am
I'm still on some kind of plateau. I've lost (I think) 2 more pounds, but it's killing me that I'm not losing fast enough anymore. I really have to put my scale away because this weighing every morning is making me feel like a failure. It's so very difficult, 'cause I keep thinking I must be doing something wrong, even though I know I'm not. I'm definately going to put the scale away today and not weigh in again until next Friday. Other than the lack of losing, I'm feeling pretty wonderful, except for the cold I have right now. But even that is better than it use to be. Seems my body is handling being sick even better than it did weighing 332lbs. Muah!! =)
10/11/01 6:08am
The good news is the scale started moving again. I'm down to 278 lbs.. I've lost a total of 50lbs so far. I'm feeling fabulous too. People tell me they can see it in my face and I can see it in some of the clothes I'm wearing. I was able to wear an outfit this week I haven't been able to wear in 2 years. I wore another outfit yesterday, someone had donated to me and I'm stating to see my waist, again. It's funny though, I look like an apple on a stick, becasue I carry most of my weight in my belly, so I have these thin (thin in comparison) legs and thighs, but once you hit my torso, I'm twice the size or more, of my bottom. I wish I could have my panniculectomy now. Between the distorted appearance, and the rashes from underneath my belly, it gets very aggravating. I would be so much happier, if I could just get rid of this horrendous belly. But alas, I must wait. In the mean time, I'm enjoying watching myself shrink a little at a time. MUAH!=)
11/9/01 12:04am
Okay, okay, so I'm late with this month's update. Life is getting so busy it's hard to keep track.
I was very disapointed this last month because I only lost 8lbs. I was very depressed about it until a coworker slapped me into reality by saying "...it takes me 2 months to lose 8lbs, what are you complaining about?" I guess she was right, I have to be grateful for every ounce I lose.
I am very happy though, because I finally started my period again. I was so afraid I could be pregnant. Although I believe every child is a blessing, we are not financially ready for a third child and I am not physically or emotionally ready for another one. My youngest is finally out of diapers (we've been dealing with diapers for 5 years) and it's starting to get easier. Most importantly, I want to be completely recovered and healthy after my WLS and be able to enjoy some of my weightloss before I start gaining again. I really hope that doesn't all sound selfish, but to be a good parent I strongly believe you need to be a happy parent and I was not a happy parent before my surgery.
Now I am full of energy, can play with my kids and am starting to really enjoy life for the first time in a very long time. This month someone at work, who didn't know I had the surgery, asked me if I had lost weight. That felt soooo great. Then someone else last week told me I'm posetively glowing. Can you even imagine how good that feels? Finally to have people notice you and not feel like you are invisible to the world because you are obese. Like you don't matter and then suddenly you appear and people start to notice you, smile at you and want to talk to you. It feels amazing!!
I'm very happy I had this surgery and wouldn't change a thing. I was even regretting I hadn't done this surgery earlier in my life, but as my brother said to me, "Do you think you would have been ready for this 5 or 10 years ago?" I don't believe I was. I strongly believe that things happen to you in this life when they are suppose to happen and baby it was my time for sure!!!
11/16/01 10:14am
Okay, I've really got to calm down and take things a little easier. I went to the emergency room yesterday, thinking I was having a heart attack, but it was only an anxiety attack. What the hell? I guess I'm internalizing things too much and have got to find some way of releasing it all.
I'm feeling great, but as always wish I was losing more.
12/1/01 7:30am
Well, well, well....it's almost 4months post-op already, officially as of tomorrow. I have lost a total of 72.5lbs. I'm now calculating my weightloss by my scale at home, because the scale at the hospital keeps fluctuating. Sometimes there's a 4lb difference from home and sometimes it's 9lbs. I can't rely on it. So from now on it's the scale at home.
I was very depressed for about a week or so because I wasn't losing anything. I finally took a long hard look at what I've been doing and decided I needed to kick myself in the ass and straighten out. I was eating foods I shouldn't have been. Many carbs, not enough water and not exercising. Really bad!! So, I recommitted myself to stay focused and concentrated on the goal ahead. I quit all carbs and really started pushing my water. In 3days I lost 3lbs. It was great to see that scale move.
I know that I am a food addict and that I have to make a daily effort in controling my impulse reactions to food. The words came to me last week, one day at a time. I have to remember that on a daily basis. I can't live for tomorrow, I have to live for today and make my plans for today. I can't worry about whether I'll hit 100 lbs weight loss by my 6th month anniversary. I'm a perfectionist at heart and if I fall short in any way I beat myself up for it. It's not fair to do that to myself. As long as I know I'm doing what I should be doing, then all will fall into place and if I don't lose 100 lbs by February then that's fine to, because I will be that much closer than if I had never had this wonderful life saving surgery.
Because I have to take this one day at a time, I decided I needed some support. There are no local support groups in our area and I was disappointed about that. After much thought and consideration, I decided to create my own support group. THE JOURNEY
WLS SUPPORT GROUP
This support group is for people on all parts of this journey, from considering and researching to post op. We had our first meeting on Monday 11/19/01 and it was a great success. I had 4 people show up at our meeting. One is preop, having surgery on 12/10/01 and the rest were post-op. Our next meeting is Monday 12/3/01 and I have at least 7 people coming, but there are 15 people on my list for membership.
We haven't found a permanent home for our meetings, as of yet, so for now the group is meeting at our apartment. I'm so very excited about this. It give me the opportunity to share what I've learned, reinforce it and learn new things. I'm very proud and excited about this new adventure.
As for my actual weight loss, it's still difficult for me to see a lot of the weight loss, but I do see it in my face somewhat and around my torso. I can see I'm thinning out. My belly is the one thing that is still huge for me. I know this might sound gross, but the other day I lifted my belly and tried pushing it all together and honestly, if I could get rid of this belly I wouldn't care if I lost another pound. I swear I have to carry all my weight in my belly, because the rest of me is thin comaparitively.
I'm wearing about a size 22/24 these days and it really feels great. Sure, I'd love to be wearing a 12/14, but coming down from a 30/32 is awesome!! I'm wearing clothes I haven't been able to fit in for years. I finally look decent again!! I don't walk around feeling like this huge overweight, older looking fat woman. I'm proud to walk down the street with my husband. I don't think about people looking at me anymore.
There are times when I'm doing something around the house and I just feel so much lighter than I use to. My ease of movement is so much better. I'm more flexible and I can play with my children better than before. We went to see a movie a few weeks ago and I was able to easily sit in the seat, no special maneuverying or dealing with the arms pushing into my thighs the entire time of the film.
Would I be happy staying at this weight forever....hell no, but I'm sure glad I don't weight 327.5 lbs anymore. This surgery is giving me my life back. Thank you God!!!
12/9/01 11:31pm
I woke up this morning feeling a little meloncholy and extremely grateful=). Three years ago, today, my youngest was born and we are celebrating his birthday with family & friends. I think back to what our life was like 3 years ago and I have to say "We've come a long way, baby!"
This is more than I usually share with anyone, but I feel this is neccessary today. Three years ago, I was 28 pregnant with our son, my husband 32, our daughter was 28 months. We were both out of work and we were barely living off welfare. We lived in this tiny,nasty efficiency apartment, in a bad part of town. (Just to give you an idea our rent was only $200.00 bucks a month, I think b/c the roaches shared the rent). We were living in Richmond, VA and we had no family or friends. It was a really tough time for us and I was very depressed about it. Fortunately, our daughter Karina, didn't know much at all about what was going on (that I'm so grateful for), but it was truly a miserable time.
When our son was born 12/9/1998, it was so bittersweet. I was so overjoyed at having our son and holding him in my arms, loving him so much my heart could explode, but also feeling so overwhelmingly guilty, that I was bringing him into such a miserable situation. My faith in my beliefs grew weak, but the little glimmer I had left,I held onto like my life depended on it.
We eventually, through the grace of God, moved up to Connecticut to live with my parents. We got work and were surrounded by family and friends, once again. Little by little, life got better. Eventually, being able to move out to an apartment of our own.
Today, we are both working, completly off of gov't assistance. I weigh less today, than I did before I got pregnant with my son. Our marriage is stonger than ever, our daughter is now 5 and our baby is 3 today. Our life has done a complete 360 degree turn around. Of course, finances are always tight, but that's mostly a part of life.
I'm not sure why I'm sharing any of this, but I think it's my way of saying that life can change and even where there is no hope, one can accomplish great things. Don't give up on your dreams, keep fighting for them because even in your last moment of desperation, your life can change and your dreams can come true.
Peace and love to everyone. MUAH!!!
12/19/01 10:10pm
You could hear the soft muffled cry, drifting from inside the stall, as she hung drapped over the cold white porcelin God, "I'll never do it again, I'll never do it again, I'll never do....."
This was an excerp of my life today. Although I'm being dramatic, because I did not actually hurl, I most definately overstepped my boundries over ate and pushed my limits. I felt so sick, nausseated and all around like Sh!t. I was like a mad woman who hadn't eaten forever.
Why? All because we had a potluck lunch at work today. I drank my 32oz of water in the morning, but was distracted by so much I was doing that I never ate breakfast. Lunch time comes, I'm starving and there's all this food. DEADLY COMBINATION! I had a little of everything and dessert. I have NEVER dumped before on any of the little regular sugar I've had and I guess I came to believe that I was one of these miracle people who could eat it!! Boy was I wrong. I think it was the combination of one bite (more like 4) too many and the sugar. I wasn't in any pain, but I could have plead for death at that time. It took almost an hour for me to even start to feel better. I actually went outside, in the cold, for 15 min w/o my coat because I felt so nausseaus and hot.
I was angry with myself for doing this and I don't even know why I did it, but I'm glad for this because it was the kick in the @ss I needed to make me remember I'm not invincable and remind me of why I had this surgery in the first place. God knows, I'm so extremely grateful for this surgery, so please don't bash me for what I did. I just totally went beserk today. The only thing that bothers me is I don't know why I did it.
I'm still looking for an OA sponsor, as you can tell I need one desperately!! Love and peace to all on this journey, you're always in my thoughts and prayers. MUAH!!!
1/3/02 11:14pm
It's been 5 months already since my Open RNY and I am down 82.5lbs. This is truly a miracle. I feel so incredibly wonderful. My attitude has change, I am a happier and more content person. I find that I can deal with things better, my emotions aren't quite so overwhelming. I can take things easier and am able to concentrate better. My energy level has increased and I'm grateful for everyday of having this surgery.
I had been looking for an OA sponsor and couldn't find one that I had a good chemistry with. Then out of no where someone emailed me and I found out that she knew of the 12 steps. An angel just brought her to me. I asked if she would sponsor me and she accepted. We are getting to know eachother, but already I can feel that this will be a special relationship. I can't tell you how happy this makes me.
I've realized over the last month that I have to stop being my own worst enemy. I have a tendency to berate myself for not being perfect and I can't keep doing that. I wouldn't tolerate any one else doing that to me, so why should I let myself do it. That being said, I am becoming stronger emotionally. I am setting boundaries and feeling I deserve to do so. I deserve to treat myself well and be treated well.
New Years Eve came and for the first time in years, I partied. My husband, kids and I went to my Aunt & Uncle's for a party. I didn't do the best when it came to eating, but I could have been a lot worse. When I think back to how I would have eaten before it's amazing. I had a few drinks, danced, mingled with family and friends....did I mention dance. Yes, I did. My husband and I danced to several songs, including the new LADY MARMALADE. I cut up a rug, let me tell you. I felt young, beautiful and sexy. I haven't felt this wonderful in eons. My cousin asked me recently how I was feeling and I said, "younger every day!" Imagine that. Most people walk around complaining how old they feel and I walk around saying how young I feel.
At one point my husband was standing near the back window and we were chatting. I saw this reflection in the window and for a split second, wondered who he was chatting with....it was my own reflection. Literally, I did not know it was me. Grant it, it was only a second, but what an intense emotion.
This year will be the first time in over a decade, my New Years resolution does not include losing weight. It does include getting into an exercise regimen. I am currently looking into different video tapes I could use at home. If anyone has any suggestions, please let me know.
Things I'm looking forward to this year:
~ Going to an amusement park and riding everything, without worrying if I'll fit.
~ Visiting my Grandparents this summer and seeing the look on their face when they see me.
~Finallly seeing both my weight and clothes size, start with a #1.
~Having my boobs stick out further than my belly.
~Buying sexy lingerie, bras and panties (My DH is looking forward to this one, too).
~Finally being able to buy that sexy "little black dress" that's supposedly a "must have," in every woman's closet.
~Wearing a shirt tucked into my pants, instead of always hanging on the outside.
~Finally letting the real me come out and shine, instead of hiding because I thought people would laugh.
1/19/02 9:35pm
I've been so sick over the last two days. I have caught my children's cold and this is the first time I've been sick, since I had my surgery 5.5 months ago. I'm just really glad I'm having time to recouperate during this long weekend and I don't have to push through trying to go to work like this. The silver lining is I lost two pound overnight, because I've barely been able to eat anything...wooo hoo!!!
So far, I've lost another 10lbs in the last 16 days and I'm exilerated. I'm really hoping I can meet my 100lbs by my 6th month anniversary. I have only another 7.5lbs to get to it. If I don't meet it, that's okay too, because damn it I'm close enough.
Depending on the food, I can eat about 3oz of food at each meal. I was really scared that I was starting to stretch my pouch because I've been able to eat 3oz for several months now. I guess as long as I'm keeping stable at the amount for several months is a good thing. I really shouldn't worry about it. I don't dump on many foods, I can virtually eat anything in moderation. Because of this, I found myself eating things I probably shouldn't and over the last month or 2 I've been very focused at putting only the good stuff in my mouth.
One thing that has kept me very focused is a website I go to WWW.FITDAY.COM
Mind you, I'm not a spokesperson for this site or anything of that nature, I just really believe that keeping a journal of what I'm eating helps me keep focused. When you can see on paper (or in this case, online) what you are consuming, it helps in fighting those demons that wisper in your ear, "It's okay to take one bite!" You and I both know that's not true and seeing it is a daily reminder of this. I think, everytime I want to take "just a bite" of something, I remind myself how that one bite can set me back for days.
There's nothing worse than working so hard for something, then taking that extra bite and seeing it takes you 3 steps back. Then you have to work so hard to get you back to where you were, 3 steps ago. It's very frustrating and I've learned the hard way. I have to make the decision each time, if that bite is worth it to me. Some days it is, but very rarely.
I've cut back on my carb intake extremely. I didn't want to admitt that I'm addicted to carbs and it physically changes me. I'm one that tends to be very moody. I can be happy one second and the very next a nut case. I've been off of all carbs for over awhile now and I can't believe how my temperament changes. This has happend before, but I didn't want to admitt to myself that I just physically can't do the carbs. I can't tell yu what a change it is. I feel so much more relaxed. I feel in control and my brain feels clear and not muddy. I can focus and think so much better. The little things don't upset me so much.
Well, my next update will be at 6 months, what a milestone that will be. I'm looking so forward to it. Muah!!!
6 MONTHS POSTOP, HOORAY!!!
2/3/02 10:45pm
Here it is 6 months post-op and 97.5 lbs lost. If you had told me a year ago I would be sitting here talking about my weight loss success, I wouldn't have believed it. I wouldn't have fathomed weighing 230 lbs from 327.5 and wearing a size 22, instead of a 32.
There have been incredible, wonderful changes in my life, over the last 6 months. So many little ones, as well as big ones, that there wouldn't be enough space on the world wide web for me to list them all. I sit here typing trying to think of the ones that have made the most impact in my life, the ones that just shook me so emotionally. It's so hard to pick and chose, it's like asking a parent to chose which child they are most proud of. I believe the way to do it is for me to categorize them.
Physically the change that's really blown me away is, strangely enough, my hands. I use to look at my hands and see these fat, stubby, clumbsy, old fingers. I would give myself a manicure and think "what a waste of time, it's like giving a new paint job to a broken down old car." Now I look down at my hands and see these slim fingers, delicate, graceful, feminine and beautiful.
One other physical change that has made a major impact in my life, in more suttle ways, is my flexibility. As a morbidly obese person, it is extremely difficult to care for one's self when it comes to the most personal subjects of hygiene and intimacy. Before my surgery I had difficulty with bending and stretching. The act of keeping myself clean and being intimate with my husband were degrading. I felt uncomfortable, awkward and embarrassed. I didn't feel womanly and felt most of the time like a disgrace. Since my surgery, I have found this new body that allows me to take care of myself. I get so excited now, when I can take a shower and reach my feet to get them squeeky clean. I can shave my legs and not come out sweating like I've been in a marathon. With that same ability, my intimate life with my spouse has flourished. I am able to engage in a wonderful, fulfilling, natural and mutually satisfying sex life with my ever loving husband.
Emotionally, the biggest impact is my self-esteem. The ironic part is that most people wouldn't notice that change. I've always been a person who always showed an air of self-confidence, but it was a false self-confidence. I did the things I did and accomplished things, despite my lack of self-esteem, not because of it. Most of the time, it was all and act. Today, that self-esteem is genuine. I accomplish and attempt the things I do, because I truly believe I deserve it, I'm worth it and I can do it.
Finally, the last change that has meant so much to me is the change in my relationship with my father. My weight has always been a bone of contention with us. He loves me dearly and my weight has been a very sad issue for him. Seeing me balloon up to 327.5 pounds was horrific for him. In the begining, when I first discussed this surgey with him, he was not for it. He didn't believe that a surgery was neccessary for me to reach the goal of losing weight and being healthy. I can understand that point of view. Hell, I even had those thoughts, too. But after all the research I had done and the grim statistics that I found, if I had not had this surgery, I knew that I would not live much longer and I had to follow through with this, having his blessing or not. Today, after seeing my success, the changes in me physically and emotionally, he is so absolutely deliriously happy for me.
I visited my parents yesterday and as I walked up the stairs into the kitchen, I heard my father saying "OH MY GOD, WHAT A DIFFERENCE, OH MY GOD!!" I peeked into the kitchen to see who he was talking too. I asked and he said "I'm talking to you, my God Sweetie, you look incredible!!!" He hugged me so hard, long and tight, I think he was on the verge of tears. The image of my fathers face at that momment will be ingrained into my heart forever!!
Are there downsides to this surgery, yes of course. There are the complications that come from the surgery itself. The first thing you worry about, is if you are ever going to get off the table alive. If you make it through that, then you have to think about the complications that come later on. Fortunately, I've never had one complication, at least not one that I would consider life threatening.
I do suffer from a few issues. My umbilical hernia seems to get worse when I lay down or stand for long periods of time. My belly which hung before surgery, is now hanging past my pubic area. I constantly look pregnant because of my over sized belly. To make matters worse, the rash under my belly never seems to go away for good, despite all my efforts. Yet, I would do this all again in a New York minute.
I had made one of my major goals to reach 100 lbs lost, by my 6 month anniversary. I've fallen short of it by 2.5lbs, but I've reached so many other fabulous goals, that the number just don't matter that much anymore, because this journey utlimately is not about the weight, it's about the journey of discovery itself.
2/9/02 4:57pm
My heart is so very saddend today. This is a little off topic, but it will all tie up in the end. I was watching Entertainment Tonight, last night. They had a piece on the proliferation of Pro-Anorexia websites and gave the name of a couple of sites. Well, I guess it's like the morbid fascination of seeing a car accident, I had to pull up some of these sites. Fortunately, it wasn't so easy because the outting of these sites has made many web servers delete them. I did manage to find a couple though.
The information I found on these sites was so scary. They give advise on how to make yourself vomitt and how to keep from eating. Encouraging eachother to keep this "lifestyle" going. They don't see it as a disease, they see it as a lifestyle.
I wanted to cry so badly at the thought of these young girls, destroying their bodies and basically killing themselves. I wish I could have hugged each of them 'til they felt loved....but they would have hated me as I, at 226lbs, am their worst nightmare.
That brought me to thinking about my body image and as an obese person what I think is the "perfect body." I was destroying my body just like them, but only in the reverse. I was slowly killing myself, except in this society my disease was viewed as much worse because it's displeasing to the eye.
I have found myself of late, looking at my body and thinking, "If I could just get rid of this belly, I'll be happy," or "When I hit this certain weight, then I'll be happy." But am I not doing the same as these girls, basing my happiness on an image that may or may not ever happen. All though this journey has been incredible and I am happier than I have ever been, I keep thinking, "I'll be happy when....."
One of the reasons I decided to have this surgery is because I was tired of not living my life and sitting on the sidelines, watching my life go by. But am I still doing that if I'm constantly saying, "I'll be happy when I get to 150 lbs?" Not allowing myself to enjoy the here and now because I'm not at that "perfect" body image that I have stuck in my head. My goal needs to be a healty, agile body, happiness in my personal life, with my family and friends and a personal enlightment.
I hope for all of us that we can come to terms with our bodies and find that place were we love ourselves, not because we are a size 5, 10 or 12, but because we are good people, good to ourselves and good to humanity.
2/12/02 7:32pm
I'm feeling very excited this evening. I had our support group meeting, last night and each time I become more sure of my decision and more sure of what I want to eventually do with my life. It has become clear that I want to dedicate my life to the help and support of the obese. The only problem is I don't know exactly how I can go about that and still manage to make a living.
I have a few things in the works, that I'm not ready to disclose, but I'm very excited about this opportunity. I never would have imagined that disease which has crippled me most of my life, is the same thing that has given me a life back. I feel like I have purpose now. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I have always known that I was put on this Earth for some kind of greatness, whethter that be something that is known only in the circle of my family or world wide, I don't know, but I do know that I have found my passion.
I get such a thrill and a sense of joy and love from being able to help others. Founding this support group has enabled me to bring people together and demolish the wall of loneliness, secrecy, pain and islolation. What a miracle this has been. I have so many new dreams that I never had before. I see my life going in a new direction and I love where this is going!!!
3/2/02 9:00am
Today I am 7 months postop.....WOW!!! Can you believe it has been 7 months and I am now down to 222.5 lbs. That's a loss so far of 105lbs. My life has been transformed and I don't know how to thank God every single day for the blessings he has given me. My life has opened up new opportunities that I never even imagined. My personality has changed, but of course I'm still the wonderful, adorable person I use to be, but even better. I love life and I relish every facet of it.
Last weekend I wanted to do something with the kids because, although it was a chilly day, it was bright and sunnny out. We went into the back parking lot and I stayed outside with the kids and my darling husband. Karina rode her bike and my husband and I played kick ball withour Son Taylor. I ran around kicking the ball and chasing after it. Before I knew it, we had been outside for over an hour playing. I have never done that with them and even if I had attempted to do that, I would have only lasted a few minutes. Afterwards, we went inside and I made everyone Hot Chocolate, sugar free for me of course. It was a perfect afternoon. I know that day will stay in my children's mind forever, not because we did something fancy shmancy, but because I shared quality, loving time with them. I love being able to create memorable days like this, for them and I am able to do that more and more often these days.
You have heard me speak of my support group and how it has come to me that I want to dedicate my life to doing this. I didn't know how I was going to go about making a career of this and really I'm still not sure how, but I've started the ball rolling. I have volunteered for a this website,as a Member Services Volunteer. I contact people who have newly registered and ask if I can help them on their journey. I will have the opportunity to connect with people all over the country and share my experience and knowledge. Although currently, this is a volunteer position, there is the opportunity (there's that word again) to make this a part-time paid position.
By the way, I'm going to be famous. Okay, well I'm exaggerating a little, but the truth is that I've been contacted by a freelance writer for BETTER HEALTH Magazine. This is a hospital sponsored magazine for the network of the Yale/New Haven Hospital System. She read one of my posts, on another website, and requested to interview me for their next issue. We will be meeting in the next few weeks and the issue will be out some time in May, I believe. How cool is that?
My life is coming together and I have found a purpose for me on this beautiful Earth. There are days that are harder than others, like this month only losing 7.5 lbs, but I have never been so fulfilled in my life. I have direction and it all makes sense to me now, like all the pieces of the puzzle are finally aligned and I can see the whole picture. What a beautiful picture it is, full of life, colors, smiles, warmth and love!!
3/15/02 5:08pm
I can't believe how busy my life has become. All for the better, but between my support group, the volunteering for Obesityhelp.com and my regular life I always have something to do and catch up on. Am I stressed? Absolutely!! Do I love it? Most truly I do.
The work that I'm doing in member services is just so clearly satisfying. It fills my spirit to reach out to others on this journey and be able to be a source of support and information. How many people can say they have a real passion for something that makes them happy and smile, just thinking about it?
I have some opportunities that may be coming up and I'm very excited about the prospect of possibly changing careers. I would never believe that my life would have changed like this. I never new that when I was speaking with this woman who told me about the surgery, that it was the moment my life was going to change forever. Thank you God for all the blessing and letting me see the purpose of my life.
04/02/02 3:18pm
Well, 8 months and counting. Not much to tell about this month. I've lost about 8.5lbs this last month and some inches. Life is still hectic. It's a little unsettling that the weightloss has slown down, but I haven't been exercising much over the last month. I need to start that up again, but I've been very drained over all the things I'm doing. I know that I have to take care of myself and do one thing at a time.
My support group is growing by the week. We have a member list of 31, with a core group of about 14 who attend on a regular basis. I am so very proud of everyone in the group. They support eachother and love eachother. That's what I was hoping for. I am desperatly trying to find a permanent home for us, because my living room is just starting to get too small. I have some things in the works, but it will take some time.
As far as my other opportunities, they are still in the background, just waiting. Hopefully, by next month I will have a better idea of where I stand with them. I'm so anxious to get things started.
I'll let you know when I have some breaking news. MUAH!!
About Me
Before & After
rollover to see after photo
