EmpressLynneBN

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I am going to keep this brief, I should be working!  It's been 6 mos. since I have had surgery and so much in my life has changed.  I have lost about 111 lbs, and oddly I feel like that is not enough, even though it's a lot.  It's hard to let go of that habit of judging yourself, but I am actively working on it.  The nutritionist gave me a wake-up call ( along with the doctor, and the fitness specialist.)  I should not be counting the calories I burn during my exercise towards increasing my food intake.  This again goes against everything I was taught in my previous 23 years of "dieting".  Now I m not denying the wisdom, only slightly rebelling against the idea that when I bust my butt in Hot Yoga 4 times a week, I don't get to reward myself by having an extra protein bar... Then the wake up call hits and says "Hell No you can't reward yourself with food.  You looked for help, got it, now be humble and follow damn directions!!"  Soooooo long story short, I am only eating 800-900 calories (trying to) and still doing hot yoga 4 times a week, and I am happy to do it! (It's my mantra and I'm sticking with it!)  The little A.N.T. ( automatic negative thought) that creeps into my brain is what if you had been doing this all along, then maybe you'd be at 130 lbs lost.  Negative little buggers aren't they  I need a good exterminator!

All that aside, I feel better than I ever remember feeling.  I love who I am changing into, even while missing a little of who I was.  It's probably the clothes I miss more than anything.  I get attached to "things" more than is healthy.  I tried on a dress I had never been able to wear the other day, and it fit.  I thought long and hard about how long I had been waiting to have that moment where "that dress" fit my body. 17 years, no joke I have held onto that dress fro 17 years, dragged it across the country, apt to apt, and from house to house.  Now, I can fit it... too bad it's completely out of style!  It however helps to get me thinking about what else I am holding onto waiting for a feeling, rather than living in this moment.  I haven't decided what to do with the dress, but it's much less appealing to me now.  Much like fast food, and baked goods are less appealing but still have emotion connected to them.  Learning to let food be energy and clothing be coverage rather than trying to make it mean more than that is going to the mountain I climb and conquer this next 6 months.  It will never feel the way about me that I have felt about it in the past 25 years.  Here I go!

It's been 6 days since I made the move to change my life.  I am a little thrown for a loop.  I have read so many posts about how terrible post op is and the first 2 days were pretty bad.  Trying to burp or pass gas and being unable to.  The extra times in the hospital and the toll it took on my hubby's back were a little frustrating, but for the most part, uneventful.  I don't feel terrible, I am not struggling to drink, and started solid food yesterday with no hiccups... except I am a little scared.  I portion out my food but only eat half.  I am so afraid of getting sick or feeling pain, I can't seem to eat a full 3-4oz of food.  I assume that is pretty normal.  

When the doctor discharged me from the hospital he suggested I was cleared with no restrictions on activity, and told me to start having protein supplements with my clear liquid diet?  That seemed odd to me but I have not felt any side effect as a result.  I have even been taking my walks and getting in my 30 mins. or more of exercise daily...  My personality generally is one that I am waiting for the shoe to drop, a stitch to pop, a blood clot, dumping... something to bring me back to the severity of the changes made to my body but there is a new thing for me... hope.  The hope that making this decision was so right that "fate" or my body or the universe is on board and I may have an amazing journey.  

It feels strange to me that I had surgery and the result was a positive change in my thinking process more than anything else.

I would love to blame my recent lapses in judgment on the Holiday. but that's not real.  I would like to say that having my parents stay with me, demanding I make my "special ribs", or "homemade pizza" is too much of a barrier, but that would also be an excuse.  Both of the things are a legitimate influence, but still no excuse.  I even found myself falling back on the old excuse that "Dammit, I cooked everything I am going to try it this one last time... which translated into 2 days of outrageous eating ( 3 if you count the work potluck on the Tuesday before Thanksgiving.  The truth is these past few weeks I have been out of control.  I think every since the surgery became real to me I have been panicking at the thought of losing "good food" all the while I consciously know that food that is really good for you is not my problem.

The fear of rejection by my family when I no longer provide them with food escapes is terrifying, ( and completely imaginary!) The " this is the last time I'm going to have this so I'll make a memory" method is ludicrous and all of it just adds up to me judging myself harshly which doesn't change or improve the situation.  Today 25 days away from surgery I started doing different and for myself.  I tried having protein smoothies in the morning ( designer whey, with a banana, skim milk, raw sugar packet, and frozen fruit.) thinking I was on track but was told by a good friend that I am far from it.  I had no clue it was supposed to be just the powder and the delivery system (milk, water, etc...)  I thought I was helping.  Today I had an Atkins day break shake, a protein bar, and some string cheese.  I'm hiding out from my family because they want to know "what's for dinner??" and I'm not sure I am even on the right track.  My life, in so many different areas, seems to be spiraling out of control and unmanageable at times; which is ironic since it's my job to help people figure out how to manage their family life in a healthy positive way...

Whew!  that feels better.  I have no idea if anyone will read this.  I don't think anyone can help, but it feels better to be able to be authentic, scared, flawed, and hopeful all at the same time. I know others have felt this way.  I would love to hear how you got through this.  Right now my plan is to be compassionate with myself, and forgiving.  I'm only human and I'm allowed to make some mistakes ( thanks Billy Joel!  HA!)