Free2bMe2014

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A good friend of mine passed away last week. He was a taxi cab driver and it looks like someone tried to rob him... murdered him in cold blood. When they found his body the meter in his cab was still running. I don't even have words for what I feel inside right now but I have not been able to stop crying. I am sad... I am angry. He did not deserve to be hurt like that and I don't understand why he, of all people, would have to leave this earth in such a harsh way. My mind doesn't comprehend all the reasons and my heart is hurting but I can only trust in the God of my understanding and pray that one day, I will find peace with this. He was a gentle soul... good and kind in every way. Always positive and encouraging, no matter the circumstance. He was my friend.

His funeral is today, it is going on as I write this post. I knew I would not have the strength to go. I don't want to say good bye so I whispered my peace to him last night. I told him I loved him, that I was proud of the man he had become, that he inspires me to live my life and follow my dreams, I thanked him for never judging me, and for making me feel important... but most of all I told him I was sorry. I am sorry I postponed so many lunch dates, sorry I cancelled so many opportunities to just hang out with him over the last few months. I always had an excuse as to why I couldn't spend time with him and it was all because of my insecurities with my weight. I have gained so much and I allowed that and the way I feel about myself to rob me of what would now be precious moments with a good friend. So many times he called, texted, literally begged for my time. He just wanted to hang out. But I was too preoccupied with being fat and feeling ashamed. I told myself "when I lose this weight, I will feel better about myself and I will be able to go hang out with him and not feel uncomfortable. I never got the chance... he is gone now and a part of me knows that he could have cared less about my weight, he just wanted to spend time with ME.

I believe in Jesus Christ, and everlasting life. I believe everything happens for a reason and though I may never understand this... I believe that for me, the lesson is plain. Stop waiting to live my life! Grant it, I may not feel I am at my best because I am so overweight, but I cannot allow something as superficial as how much I weigh to rob me of life, and love, and precious relationships. I have to stop using my scale to measure my worth.  I am so much more than my dress size and I believe my friend saw that and he accepted me for me.  

It's amazing how we can be our own worst enemies and cheat ourselves out of so many wonderful things in life. I decided from now on, I am not going to wait on this surgery to Live and be who I am. Life if way too short to be so caught up in appearances. I don't ever want to feel this type of regret again in my life. So to everyone, everywhere, who may be waiting for this surgery to start living... Don't wait, start living right now! Whatever dreams, relationships, hopes, goals, and passions you have, go after them with all your heart! Allow those who want to love you for who you are to do so. Stop measuring your worth based on how much you weigh... You are so much more than that. We deserve love and happiness and it is up to us to allow those good things into our lives. 

Live True and Love Hard Friends, for tomorrow is not promised to any of us. Rest in Paradise my dear friend, Benjamin Delano Kirby. Thank you...for everything. You will forever be in my heart.

So... I finally met with my surgeon yesterday. It was our first one on one. First thoughts... OVERWHELMED. His nurse coordinator, Jeannette, talked kinda fast. They say first impressions are everything and I am honestly not sure how I feel about her yet. I guess time will tell. She gave me this binder yesterday with all this information in it... all the appointments I have to make and specialists I have to see before getting a surgery date. Dr. Gandsas, my surgeon, says we should be looking at surgery in late July or early August which is exactly what I am hoping for. 

Overall I am still very excited and READY for this surgery. One thing that does concern me though is the fact that I know based on my last blood work with the regular doctor that my vitamin levels are low. I am terrible with taking pills and I have not been doing what I am supposed to do. I have a script for Folic Acid, Vitamin D, and I am supposed to be taking Iron over the counter. I am hit or miss with both the folic acid and vit D and have completely NOT purchased any iron supplements. It's been 7 weeks since I was given those directives and I still am not doing what I am supposed to do with regard to the supplements. I am pretty sure that if I don't get myself together and TAKE MY VITAMINS, low levels will be a deal breaker and will most likely delay or cancel my surgery. I would be devastated!!! I know I have to get it together because I NEED this surgery. 

SO today is Ash Wednesday and although I have never practiced Lent, I was considering giving up something this year. After giving it more thought, I have decided that instead of giving something up, I am going to put something in... my damn vitamins! I am going to commit to taking my vitamins everyday during Lent, 40 days and pray that my levels rise to acceptable levels in that time. I pray I can do it... I know my iron has always been low, it is something I have struggled with since I had my daughter 10 years ago. Normally, I am unable to even give blood because my iron levels are so low. Now that I think about it, it's probably one of the reasons why I am always so tired... not just the obesity but my low iron levels.

I think I am starting to ramble now so... that is all for now.

MY FEET HURT! It's getting really bad. I know all my aches and pains will get better when I lose this weight but right now. GOD HELP ME! I just hurt so bad and I am so tired all the time. I also have a confession to make... I have always had a problem with portion control and just overeating in general. Lately, I feel like things have gotten worse. If I was to be honest with myself, I have taken on this sort of "last supper" mentality. What I mean is that now that I know I am having surgery and I wont be able to indulge they way I always do anymore, I feel like I have to get it in now. I am just out of control. I have seen my Nutritionist once and I have my first consult with the Dr. on March 4th. I have convinved myself that once I see the doctor on th e 4th, I will be given my pre-op instructions and start my pre-op diet... so until then, I feel like I have to eat up all the things I know I wont be able to later. This is crazy cuz I am literally eating myself to the point of misery. What is wrong with me? I am going to post this in the forum and hope for some insight, support... advice.

So... today I had my first consult with the nutritionist. It was a very general overview... we went over a lot of things I already knew. This appointment marks the start of my 6 month nutritional requirement for my insurance company. I weighed in at 333.3 pounds. That's just mind boggling to me. It is the heaviest I have ever been. Deep Breath...

I meet with my surgeon on March 4, 2014 and my understanding is he will give me specifics on my pre-op requirements and all the additional appointments/tests I will have to schedule. Once I have completed all the necessary tests, I will have my surgery date. I am hoping to have surgery on Monday, August 4, 2014... we will see if he will appease me! So today marks the official beginning of this journey. I am excited, really ready for August to get here already. I want to do this now!

This past weekend I went shopping with a friend. She is celebrating her bday in a week and her husband is taking her to a fancy dinner in the city. She is super excited and asked me to help her find a "sexy" dress or ensemble to wear for the occassion. I was more than happy to help. I love clothes and fashion... but I rarely shop for myself. It's just not fun because nothing fits. The entire time we were out shopping all I could do was imagine how much MORE fun this would be if I could fit some of the cute little clothes she was trying on. It's cool though, this time next year... it's going to be a completely different game because I am coming off the bench... and playing!! I can't wait to have my sleeve done. Thank GOD for the hope I feel at this moment. There is help... and I am on the path to a healthier, happier life!

This past weekend I also told my mom about my decision to have the surgery. She seemed supportive... but it just so happens that my little sister is due to deliver her first baby right around the same time. My mom made it clear that she would be with my sister and that I should consider changing my tentative surgery date. I guess we will see what happens. Either way, I am ALL IN. 

So... the informational session I was scheduled to attend yesterday was canceled due to the snow storm we had here in Maryland. It was pretty bad and the roads are pretty treacherous right now. I ventured in to work this morning but probably should have stayed at home, it was a rough commute and the parking lot here at work is still covered in ice. As soon as I stepped out of my truck I slipped and fell flat on my butt! Contrary to popular believe, I do not bounce (well maybe a little)  But this fall hurt and I am about to pop some Advil ASAP to make sure I don't get super sore later. I tell you... never a dull moment. It's all good tho, I am thankful to God that I didn't hurt myself, it could have been much worse. I am here and I have prepared both breakfast and lunch today. I am trying out a pre-op diet on my own based on everything I have read. I just want to see how I handle it all before I actually HAVE to do it. For breakfast I had Greek yogurt and for lunch I am having these Tuna Creations pouches (Startkist) I found at the grocery store. High in protein and low in carbs and fat. Sounds ideal right?? I also brought string cheese for a snack. So here goes...

I have to schedule my information session again... but a part of me kinda feels like it was canceled for a greater reason than the snow... hmmmm. This mind game is a BEAST I tell you... but I am going to move forward. 

So... I read a disturbing post here yesterday. A mother told the story of her 36 year old daughter who decided to have WLS (the sleeve I think) and died a week later. OMG, Something went wrong. Her abdomen was full of blood. I read another post here about a woman who had the sleeve done two years ago. She just went to her doctor and weighed in at 326 pounds. That is exactly how much I weigh. 

I realize there is so much to both these situations that I don't know and I should not for one second compare myself to either case. I realize there are 100 success stories for every horror story I have read during my research. But the human side of me is once again doubting my decision to move forward with this WLS. Maybe I should just buckle down and try to do this myself one more time. I don't know. Tomorrow is the first of two informational sessions I have signed up for. I am going to go... but maybe I will start trying to stick to a low carb, high protein diet starting tomorrow also. 

I went to the grocery store and bought some tuna, very lean ground turkey, steak, and I have some veggies... I am going to look for recipes tonight and see what I can do in a weeks time... I love pepsi so I will stay away from soda, candy, chips, sugary drinks, all that stuff that tastes so good but make me feel so bad. God help me, I am going to give it 100%.

Stay tuned...

So... I found out one of my friends here at work is having the sleeve done with one of the doctors I am consulting with next month. Her surgery is scheduled for next month and right now she is doing her pre-op diet. I can't wait to talk to her in more detail about it. What she was able to tell me was because we have the same insurance, there is a six month consultation period before surgery. That means the soonest I will likely be able to get my surgery is August 2014. I also found another coworker who had RNY 7 years ago by the other surgeon I am consulting with! She is doing great and has nothing but good things to say about her experience so far.

Although I still have a lot of questions, I am becoming excited again and am starting to think about all the positive effects having this procedure will have on my life. I will be able to dance again... I will want to go out and be seen... I will enjoy shopping again, and maybe even be able to wear pretty high heels again! Gosh that would be nice! I shared my plans with some close friends last night and got nothing but positive feedback! It was really a load off to be able to share this with someone I love and trust. That definitely encourages me to know I have support. 

So... I am attending a free informational session on Tuesday, January 21st. The surgeons office called and I have my first appointment with the nutritionist on February 3rd then my first appointment with the doctor on February 11th. I don't particularly want to go alone but I have not told any of my family yet. I probably should but I am afraid they will just point out all of the things that could go wrong and make me doubt my decision. I would prefer to move forward without any negative energy.  

Right now I think I want to proceed with the vertical sleeve. It is a little scary to think about having a large portion of my stomach removed but my understanding is this procedure cuts down on the mal-absorption. Besides, I think it's better than having everything re-routed. I am praying it doesn't take MONTHS for me to actually schedule my surgery. From reading many of the posts here on OH, it seems the process was pretty quick for a lot of folks. I guess the time frame will depend on what my insurance company requires and also my doctor. 

I guess I will just have to wait and see...