Again... it has been way too long since I wrote!

Feb 15, 2009

It has been way too long since I journaled again!

I am recommitting to documenting my food. I have been at a stall for 2 weeks and actually show a gain of 3 lb.  I was down to 161.8 at my lowest last week.  Then I went up to 165 yesterday.  Today I was 164.2.  So, I am kind of freaked out! I also started wt. lifting about 2 weeks ago.  So, I am not sure if the gain is food, fluid, or muscle related.  I will only know if I start documenting everything again! I felt a little sick today (Sean & the kids have been sick).  But, I rested a lot today.  Now my back & hip is killing me, but my sore throat feels better.  I really want to go to the gym tomorrow, even though Sean has to work all day and the kids are off school for President's Day.  I really enjoy wt. training, despite the fact I am always in pain the next day!  But, I can already feel myself getting stronger.  I am already going up on the amount I can lift.  I have also added new machines.  I really like to work out my lower body more than my upper.  But, I do both.  I am going MWF and alternating upper and lower body.  I am still doing the cardio.  Lately I have been riding the bike for 30 minutes.  I am able to work out at a higher level lately.  I really enjoy seeing my progress!  I have tried to rationalize that I need to stop the wt. lifting and stick to the cardio. because of the wt. gain.  But truthfully working out with the amount of wts I am will only make me stronger and make me healthier.  Eventually I will start loosing again.  I think I would have to!  I am still not eating a lot of calories.  Although I ate a lot of calories on Valentine’s Day.  I had a night time eating fit!  I ate 1,219 calories!  That is the most I have ever eaten since surgery!  I happened to go down in wt. after yesterday, so I will see if maybe I do need more calories to start the wt. loss again.  It could be, but I am not assuming anything.  I am serious about tracking, journaling, and getting in everything I should in a day (water, protein, exercise etc).

I plan on taking my 20 week pictures tomorrow!  I will post them as soon as I can down load them.  I think I need to look at side by side pics too.  I have been feeling like I can’t see the changes lately when I look in the mirror.  Everyone else can, but usually not me.  Do not get me wrong.  I am feeling better overall, and I have certain moments where I catch myself in the mirror and I am astonished.  It happened at the gym last week.  I was walking by a mirror and I saw myself from the side.  I literally stopped and backed up for a moment to look at myself.  It was a wow moment!  But, then why do I not feel that way everyday?  Is it just part of being a woman?  Or is it a WLS post-op thing?  I think maybe a bit of both???

I have also gotten some comments lately that I should not lose anymore wt.  It is a compliment, but I also get irritated by it.  Then as some of you know I am so open about having WLS to 99.9% of people.  Maybe that is too many.  I saw people I have not seen in years at our Valentine’s Day dance last night.  I was in the bathroom and a lady I knew since I was a young girl said wow you look great you have really been working hard.  I said yes.  Then I said I had RNY.  She is a nurse and automatically I felt the tone in our conversation totally change.  I was babbling about how great it has been.  She had to get in a couple of comments about how many things can go wrong and that it is the long term wt. loss (yada, yada).  I was so irritated; I was kind of anxious inside after that.  Then my Mom asked me what I say when people ask about my wt. loss.  She was being very respectful & basically asking what I wanted her to tell people when they ask her how I lost my wt.  I told her oh I just tell them I had WLS!  So, she could too.  But, then when incidents like what happened in the bathroom occur, I sometimes doubt my “openness”.  I am super sensitive and I tend to ramble and get nervous when people say negative things.  I am passive aggressive.  I just get pissed later, instead of tell them the way it is and sticking up for myself!  I hate that I am that way!  I need to find the right balance of whom I tell and who I don’t.  Or else be ready to defend my decision, with clear cut certainly.  I do not want to sound like a Bitch, but I want to be 100% assertive…  I am going to work on it!  J

Here was today’s food log.  The carb servings are off because I did not eat all of the stuffing or the green beans in the dinner for tonight. 

How many calories am I supposed to eat at 5 months out?  I am not really sure!

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