HDWILLS
8/17/06 ~ I had my consultation with Dr. Sanchez today. I had already seen another Bariatric Surgeon and got some of the testing done (psychological evaluation, sleep study, complete physical, surgical clearance from PCP) so he only required some blood work, a stress test, and to lose 10 lbs. I go back in one moth to check my progress. If all the above are completed I get to schedule my surgery that day! It almost doesn't feel real. I can't believe the wheels are finally in motion.
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9/20/06 ~ I got a date!!! All my tests were normal and I met the weight loss requirement. Wow! What an amazing feeling. My pre-op is October 25, and the surgery is November 7.
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10/7/06 ~ I have thought about having weight loss surgery for the better part of ten years now. I used to tell my friends that if I were to win the lottery that getting this surgery would be the first thing I would do. That was before I had medical insurance that would cover it. I even looked into selling my eggs to finance the surgery, but of course I couldn't do that because of my weight. I have now had the proper insurance for 2 years, and I have just scheduled my surgery. Why did it take so long? I don't think I was mentally or emotionally ready until now. The first surgeon I consulted with handed me a list of tests and requirements and then told me to call when I had it all done...not good instructions for a procrastinator. Did I mention that I had waited on a waiting list for 8 months to see him? So, I finally get it all together, the tests are done, I have lost the required weight just to find out that my insurance no longer covers him because of his practice being small as well as the hospital he works out of. So, here we go again. Time to start over with a new doctor, new fears, new requirements, and a much further distance to travel. There was such a huge part of me that wanted to give up. I was so discouraged. And then Dr. Sanchez (my new surgeon) did something that would snap me out of it; he ordered an EKG and Stress Test to make sure my heart could handle the surgery. WHAT?!?! Suddenly the blinders were pulled away and I was forced to see myself and my life as they really are. Procrastination is a death sentence for me. If I put this off one more time or wait till after the holidays, New Years, Spring, my next birthday, etc. I might not be here to even try. I am 30 years old and I am the biggest I have ever been. Of course I never imagined I would get this large. Weight is sneaky that way, it creeps back on after each failed diet, slowing increasing and with that taking away my ability and desire to be active. My world has become so small. I have problems with anxiety and panic attacks, and I have battled Agorophobia for the past 4 years. I really wanted to believe that my anxiety had nothing to do with my weight, but now I know better. There is a connection between our bodies and our minds and I have been abusing mine. That is why I am giving myself this gift- the chance at a healthier and happier life. I now love myself enough to start this journey. The day that I got to schedule I felt as I had indeed won the lottery and I cried tears of grattitude that day. Of course with every passing day I find myself a bit more nervous and anxious, but the fear that held me back before is gone, it has been lifted, and in it's place resides hope. I know in my heart I am on the right path.
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10/23/06 ~ My pre-op is the day after tomorrow and I am nervous and excited. When I was first given my dates it seemed so far away, but like most of life, it has approached faster than I imagined it would. I am worried that I have gained back some, if not all, of the 10lbs I had to lose to get scheduled in the first place. I have been emotionally eating this last week. It is a weird feeling to do it while aware of it, it's not quite as satisfying as it was before. My niece has been in the hospital and I have been using food to comfort myself. I will definitely be bringing this up with my therapist...lol. I don't want to indulge in self-destructive behaviors anymore. One day at a time. I want to take care of myself the way I deserve to be taken care of.
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10/30/06 ~ I had to postpone my pre-op because of a family emergency. I am now having my pre-op on Friday the 3rd, which is cutting it pretty close because my surgery is scheduled for Tuesday the 7th. The surgical consultant said I should be fine, but if there is anything wrong with my blood work there is no time to work on it, so I am nervous. I can't believe I am down to one week. Time has gone by so fast. Today I was thinking about things I will and will not miss after surgery, here is what I came up with...
What I will miss:
*Being able to eat and drink what I want, when I want
*Diet soda & Iced Tea
*Caffeine
*Gum
What I won't miss:
**Flip-flops year round because my feet are so fat I can't wear closed-toe shoes
**High blood pressure
**Size 28/30
**Bras that are so big they can double as hats
**Fear of chairs, booths, bathroom stalls, etc.
**Showers feeling like a work-out (so much surface area)
**Fear of heart attacks, Diabetes, Congestive heart failure, etc.
**Not being able to participate in life!
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11/3/06 ~ I had my pre-op today, which consisted of an appointment at the hospital with blood work and an EKG. Then over to Dr. Sanchez's for any last minute questions and instructions, and then back to the hospital for 2 classes. The classes were great, they are taught by nurses and were very informative. I was so nervous walking around the hospital by myself... I have always had a fear of hospitals and doctors, so this is a big step for me. I usually wait till something is about to fall off to see the doctor...lol. It feels good to be proactive about this. After my pre-op I went to the store and picked up all of my vitamins. I was able to get everything at Wal-Mart, which was nice. Although, they were not able to fill my prescription for Lortab (vicodin) so I have to have it transfered to another pharmacy today. I want to make sure everything is taken care of and in place for when I get home. Oh, and I was correct in my fear about the weight gain- I gained back 4 pounds =( So, it is a liquid diet from here on out, per Dr. Sanchez.
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11/6/06 ~ Well, tomorrow is the big day! I can't believe it is here. I couldn't sleep last night and I can't imagine I will be able to tonight either. I plan on staying over at my sister's tonight, we are going to celebrate her birthday early since I will be in the hospital on her actual birthday. No dinner or cake for me though...in fact, I have to drink my FLEET in about a half hour (YUCK!) I am going to spend the day over at my Mom's. just hanging out and trying to stay busy. I have my overnight bag packed, I used a recommendation list from here as a guideline, although one of the nurses said only to bring lip balm. I think I might bring my own pillow too, I am completely conditioned to using my memory foam pillows and regular ones tend to leave my neck sore. But I will probably be too drugged to know the difference...lol.
So, I have to be there at 8am (which is in exactly 24 hours) and my surgery is scheduled for 9:30am. I am due to be released on Thursday some time and I will stay with my sister the first couple of days. Wish me luck for a successful surgery and a swift recovery!
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11/9/06 ~ Well, I am back from the hospital! I am at my sister's, where I will stay the first couple of days since I live alone. I do want to go home though, I miss my cats and my big, comfy bed. Everyone at the hospital was great, especially Dr. Sanchez. He must have come by to see me 4 or 5 times in my short stay and he is really good at being able to read me and get me to talk when I am nervous. I had a drain tube and that came out this morning. And I had that chemical swallow and imaging done yesterday- everything looks good. I started phase 2 today at lunch (there was a mix up at the hospital and I didn't get breakfast) and since I was ok with it I got to leave. The drive home was sort of tuff on my stomach, I guess I am not used to the movement yet. I haven't had any pain medicince since yesterday, I am not sure if I will need it but I hope not. I am sore and tired, but other than that I am so happy to be home and grateful to be healthy. How liberating to be up and able again, with no wires or machines! Thanks to everyone on this site that inspired me and offered me hope and support!
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11/14/06 ~ Today marks one week since my surgery! I still haven't weighed yet, I will find out at my post-op on Thursday. I was so puffy those first couple of days after being home from all of the IVs, but that has gone away. It is weird, I noticed the other day that my eyes seemed bigger...lol...I guess because my face is getting smaller. I also took some pictures today and compared them side by side with my pre-op's, I can see it in my tummy and booty (thank goodness)! It's funny, when I first got to my sister's from the hospital (where I stayed the first night home), my niece came to greet me in the driveway and said "No offense Aunty, but you don't really look any different." lol. Hopefully soon that will not be true!
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11/17/06 ~ Yesterday I had my one week post-op with Dr. Sanchez. I had not weighed myself yet and had no idea how much weight I had lost. I knew I felt different, and my family says my face looks smaller, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. Imagine my sirprise and elation when I step up on the scale and see that I have lost 21.5 pounds! I could not believe it, I was so happy. Dr. Sanchez seemed satisfied with the loss too and since I haven't had any problems with the Stage 2 diet he moved me up to Stage 3! I have been excited about this promotion...for some reason I have been really craving eggs...lol. I picked some up last night at the grocery store on my way back into town, but I haven't tried cooking any yet. I did try veggie refried beans last night, they were good and I seemed to tolerate them okay. IT feels good to have something different. Those first few days I was home from the hospital were really hard emotionally. I just wanted to be able to eat, and I resented people who could and I began to feel like I had somehow failed myself by having to do something so extreme to "control" myself. Today things seem a little clearer and not so scary; I am just taking it all one day at a time.
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11/28/06 ~ OK, today makes 3 weeks since my surgery! I feel sooo much better, emotionally and physically. Last Wednesday I went with my sister to her pre-op and I used the scale in the office, I was devastated to find out that I had lost nothing! I broke down and cried, after such a big number the first week I had really expected to see some good results on the second week. Right away my old thinking kicked in and I was worried that it was because of the introduction of Stage 3, I felt like an absolute failure. Needless to say I was less than excited for Thanksgiving the next day. In fact, I tried backing out, but my sister wouldn't let me, she insisted I go. I am glad I did, but it was tough. I had some mashed potatoes and ham. Being around all that delicious food reminded me a lot of when I first got sober and attending an event where there was drinking...it was all I could focus on, all I could think about was how I couldn't have any. The parallels are amazing.
So, here I am - I made it through the first holiday. Next week is my birthday (December 5th), which also happens to be 4 weeks post-op to the day. I figure that a new lease on life is just about the best thing I could give myself to celebrate my birthday. Last year, when I turned 30, I was depressed. All I could think about is where I thought I should be, or what I thought I should have acheived by that age. This year I am just grateful to be here and feeling hopefull about what this next year will bring.
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12/2/06 ~ I got a scale today. It has been years since I owned one. The last one I had my friend took away from me because I was obsessed with weighing myself (while dieting) and I would just be devastated if there was no change to show for my hard work. I don't want to go back to that kind of dependance on the numbers, it is so emotionally draining. I also got a new pair of shoes for walking (none of my closed-toe shoes fit). I never knew that Big 5 has such a good selection of wide shoes (mainly men's), but that works for me, they were even on clearance! I am really starting to notice how different certain movements feel - easier, less tiring. And my energy level is up, even if I get less sleep than usual. I am so happy! I've lost another 9 pounds!!
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12/5/06 ~ Today is my Birthday! It is also exactly 4 weeks since my surgery. I feel great! I am down to 353, which means I have lost about 35 pounds since surgery, and 45 from my heighest weight. It will be weird to not have cake on my birthday, but that's a small price to pay for regaining control of my life. Tonight will also be my sister's last meal before her surgery (12/7) since she will be on liquids all day tomorrow. I am so excited for her, but worried at the same time. I know she will do great, but I also know that those first couple of weeks are really tough emotionally. I hope that with my experience I can be a good support for her and really help her. Pretty soon we will really be in this together!
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12/7/06 ~ I just got home from the hospital, it was a long day. Vanessa is doing good, very groggy and out of it, but the surgery was flawless. I just love our Doctor! It was nice to see him when I wasn't the patient. It is hard to believe that I was in her exact place a month ago, in some ways it feels like yesterday, but in other ways it feels like a lifetime ago. I felt so much empathy for her becuase I truly know what she is going through, and it is tough. Today is my 1 month anniversary (by date), and I am down 37.5 lbs!
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12/10/06 ~
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1/2/07~ 8 weeks today!! Wow, I can't believe it has been so long since I have posted. I guess the hilidays lept me pretty busy. It was strange to go through the holidays without having food to look forward to. No pie, candy, cheesecake, etc. (can you tell my weakness?!?!) A couple of times I found myself thinking that getting violently ill would be worth eating some chocolate...lol...but thankfully that thought, along with the craving passed. I got sick on at my Mom's house on Christmas morning, I had eaten too fast (I was very excited to have Turkey bacon) but after that passed I felt great. I got an Ipod shuffle, which was the only thing I really wanted, so I could take it with me walking. I am happy to say that I have been much better about my exercising. I have started walking to my weekly therapy sessions and it feels great. I am shocked by the change in my endurance, and without blood pressure medication. This time of year is great too for walking outside, not too hot and not too cold. I used to have nightmares every night about dying...I can't remember the last time I had one. I guess my mind knows that I am taking care of myself now. I am so excited to see what 2007 holds!
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1/30/07 ~ Today marks 12 weeks post-op! In some ways it is hard to believe that it has been 3 months, but in other ways it feels like a lifetime. I am worried that I am not losing enough weight. I had a bout of really bad constipation and for a week or so I was gaining a little everyday...now it is coming off again, but I just looked at my last entry and realized that in 4 weeks I have only lost 15 lbs. I am sure my doctor would say that was fine...lol. When will I stop being crazy about that?!?! I know that I feel sooo much better. I am comfortably in a size 24. I can walk just about anywhere without getting winded or tired. In fact, I don't mind parking far away from store entrances, and I went to the movies over the weekend and fit ok in the seat. What a gift! I have also been doing some dating which is awkward anyway, but the man I have been seeing knows about the surgery and seems very supportive...I just don't want anybody to like me for who I may become on the outside. I love myself today just as I am, and I hope the same will be true tomorrow. *Also, on the 15th of this month I celebrated 8 years sober! I haven't picked up a chip in 3 years because I was so embarrassed by my weight, now I am proud to show up, I am a work in progress.
