Janice B.

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So, it's time to move again.  This time to Japan.  I've lived overseas before, that's not new, but going entirely by myself is.  Hmmmmm .... need to think about what I want to do in Alabama prior to leaving.

This weekend, I am going up to Ohio for a couple weddings.  Guess I should pack tonight.  :-)  While there, I will visit a couple friends.  My family situation is such that I will not be going to Oregon prior to leaving for Asia.  Just can't see it.

The stress of some of this has me wanting to nibble nibble, but heavier protein (like beef that is really hard for me to digest) keeps me full longer.  It's funny how old habits rear up under stress.  :-)

I am looking forward to the change and plan to finish my dissertation in the second of my three mandatory years there.  That gives me a year to go to Bali and whatnot ... drat.  But I can also extend for two more years so that I can pay off most the student loans and toodle around even more.  That and farmers markets, fresh fish that isn't irradiated, and a dream job.  Good times ahead!

J

18 months since surgery.  I weigh 151 pounds less than that day and 175 pounds less than when I began this journey.  15 pounds still to go ... but apparently now I am worrying people that I am too thin.  Whatever.  LOL, but I do love what a friend called me yesterday, "wispy".  Made me smile.

There are still days when I turn to food for comfort or to solve a problem.  The other day, I had such a moment and was thinking I was sad, but when I really thought about it, I was MAD, really mad, and recognizing that helped me not eat what I wanted to.  This will continue to be a work in progress for the rest of my life I am sure.

I never wrote down my measurements on my blog, so I will do a comparision now:

                                      ON SURGERY DAY                          TODAY
Weight                                   281                                           130

Chest                                        51                                            36
Waist                                       47                                            29
Hips                                         54                                            36
Arms                                        18                                             12
Thighs                                     32.5                                          20

So, it's been forever since I wrote on here.  I am doing pretty well with everything, but worry sometimes.  My counselor is a big help in reminding me to keep my focus on what is good and healthy for me.  We laugh so much that her reminders help alot and are memorable.  I have been thinking it is time to "break up" with her as I would rather have dinner with her and really have nothing to talk with her about.  Although this move to Montgomery may get me.

One of the weirdest things since this journey began is people talking about my body.  I work in a small installation, so me losing more than half my body has gotten attention.  I get that.  But the commentary is weird and funny.  Sometimes its great and sometimes, its like "c'mon now!"

But I love being a size 8 and at my current weight.  I hope to lose 30 more pounds, but wonder if that is mostly the excess skin in my thighs and tummy ... mostly my thighs, goodness!  It looks funny!  haha!  Am still debating if surgery would be worth it.  Seems vain, but I'd like to like my legs in a swimsuit!  Who knows.

It's official.  I'm a grandma!  On the 13th, little Michayla June Fitzsimmons Little enterred the world.  We have all been on cloud nine!  She came in a month early but a healthy weight, good lungs, etc etc.  Frankly, I'm a little obnoxious, making anyone who sees me look at pictures and hear stories!

Tomorrow I travel to Georgia for business, but it is to the town where they are all at, so it will be FABULOUS to finally get to hold her and spoil her.  :-)  I'm VERY excited!

Weight loss wise, it's going well.  I am under 200 and looking forward to more loss.  The "skinny" comments are getting to me.  I'm not used to people commenting on my exterior and it's a little uncomfortable for me.  I exercise nearly everyday and track my food on fitday and on Charlie's daily post here.  How do people manage without tracking?  When I try to do it with just my head, I always overeat and don't get enough protein.  Ah well ... perhaps others are more skilled than I!

How are YOU doing?

It seems I am on the journey rather well ... I think.  Someone wrote a blog this morning about how they feel like they are testing themselves something fierce with the requirements.  But I think we all do that.  Gratefully, my pouch is not a fan of such testing!  It REALLY grumbles, tumbles and dumps.

In the meantime, sometimes things come up the other way too.  And so they think that I have vocal cord stress from acid reflux.  The ENT made the prescription quadruple what the surgeon had, but there are also swollen lymph nodes at the back of my tongue.  Sigh.  I don't know what that is about, but prednisone and I are getting to be friends and we'll see how that does. 

In the meantime, life goes on.  I've reach step 8 and 9, making the list of people I've hurt and being willing to make amends.  This is not a step that inspires energy and happiness, but it is necessary.  So here we go .....

My hope is to make it to 210 by the 4th (four months surgiversary and my birthday).  That would make 71 pounds lost since surgery.  How awesome is that?  Truthfully, there is a part of me that wishes it was all coming off more quickly, but my clothes are hanging and replacements aren't coming in fast enough, so maybe I should get a grip!

So life is good .. now to go try on clothes in the closet that have been too small for years.  :-)

Y'all be good!

It's been a loooong time since I posted!  I've been back to work, been to San Diego, and am right now in Montgomery, AL.  With the weight that has come off, I am so very very happy! 

But I find that I am struggling with eating too fast and the knee jerk reaction to eat in discomfort.  This week, my class is about sexual assault.  It is graphic and very clear and touches me where it hurts.  At the same time, I just found out that my 28 yr old niece has lung cancer. 

Yesterday in response to the build up of the week, I went back to my room and ate an ounce of chicken in about a minute.  And it hurt so badly and came back up.  Scaring me further was that blood came up with it.  Ick ... As much as I don't want to hurt my pouch, I have to admit my first thought was "I hope that wasn't my vocal cords!"

So, I am learning lots between the physical reactions, the 12 stepping, counseling and the delight of being able to move so much easier in clothes that are increasingly loose, loose, loose.  Life is good.  In time, it will become more routine to eat slowly.  That is my big downfall.  I'm afraid to stretch the limits with food. 

Now onto the last day of class and getting to see my children tomorrow.  I figure they should pay homage to me for Mother's Day since I am in the neighborhood.  :-)

Today, the psalm response in church is from Psalm 22, "my God, my God, why have you abandoned me?"

A lot of people think that this is a time when we cantors are borrowing from the Gospels or something, but the truth of the matter is that Jesus was praying the Psalm, as was the Jewish custom.

In the meantime, the setting I will be singing shortly is rather clipped and dramatic. It draws on the Jesus praying this as he died. I worry a bit about messing it up because it is musically tricky, so practiced it many times over yesterday.

So, last night and this morning, what is rumbling through my head, but "my God, my God, why have you abandoned me?"

When I look at my life, there are many times I was certain I was alone and adrift in trying to deal with the issues of life. I felt that the mistakes I had made or the cruelty of others had overcome me and I wouldn't survive. And frankly, in the long haul, it has been only the knowing that I was meant for goodness to come to me through God's grace that got me through those times.

It's hard to remember when discouraged. It's hard to remember when really hurt. It's hard to remember when it seems the cards are stacked against us.

But we are never abandoned ... never alone .. and never without love.

I've decided I will weigh myself only once a week and on Monday, since a Tuesday began this journey.  And I have to tell you two things:  

1)  it is REALLY HARD to not step on the scale all the time.  I want to use it as a measure of my success and that is not possible.  The scale is only one thing.  I am trying to measure success by my behavior and how I feel.

2)  I really didn't expect much because I feel like I am ALWAYS consuming something!

Imagine my surprise to weigh 262.5 this morning.  Last week, going into surgery I weighed 273.  And when I was referred for the surgery, I weighed 305.

I woke up feeling spiffy anyway, but goodness, that was nice news!

Well, the appt with the surgeon was this morning.  I have only lost half the weight he wanted me to lose.  Rassafrassin'!!  It was very thorough and very helpful.  

I am EXCITED .. and SCARED!  :-)  Go figure.  

Time to get on the horse completely and get'erdone.

You know, when I asked my primary support person to help me out with surgery I thought she was a little crazy to say that I needed to read the AA big book and work the 12 steps.  But check out these quotes from Chapter 3 that stuck out to me .... and my thoughts (in italics).

"The idea that somehow someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal."
How many times have I thought that I will be able to have A piece of cake: a single serving of chicken nuggest or taquitos; a SMALL anything?  I love think I am "normal" but I'm not.

".... but you can quickly diagnose yourself.  Step over to the nearest barroom and try some controlled drinking. Try to drink and stop abruptly.  Try it more than once."
Ha!  Have one piece of candy ... I am thinking this as I was invited to a chocolate tasting tomorrow night ... Eat a small meal?  Let a bowl of soup do it?  I already know this is impossible and I am addicted to food.

"But difficulty is that few alcoholics have the desire to stop while there is still time."
Well, yes.  Why bother?  I wasn't having problems related to my weight and health 20 years ago eating poorly.

"Most of us have believed that if we remained sober for a long stretch, we could thereafter drink normally."
This, to me, is key to why the surgery is so important.  I must put myself in the position to have to be food "sober".  To make it a life or death thing if I eat unconsciously and drunkenly.

"If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday, we will be immune to alcohol."
This is HARD for me.  I know I can't.  I know I shouldn't eat unnecessarily.  My reservations though, have to do with self-doubt.  Will I do this?  I keep looking YEARS down the road and that is SPOOKY, feels almost impossible.

"To be gravely affected, one does not necessarily have to drink for a long time, nor take the quantities that some of us have."
For me, one extra bite is deadly.  Eating to address non-hunger, non-nutrition issues is bad for my health.  I don't have to eat a bag of M&Ms to have my issue be there and that bag o'candy is certainly not going to jump up and solve the problem.

"Some will be drunk the day after making their resolutions; most within weeks."
The opportunity for failure, for me, is high; the danger of failure is the hallmark of my troubles.  I can't do this by sheer willpower or stubbornness.

"'Suddenly the thought crossed my mind that if I were to put an ounce of whiskey in my milk, it wouldn't hurt me on a full stomach.  Vaguely, I sensed I was not being any too smart."
"Suddenly, the thought crossed my mind that if I were to eat ______, it couldn't hurt JUST THIS ONCE.  Vaguely I sensed I was not being any too smart."

"Our sound reasoning failed to hold us in check.  Our insanity won out!"
Nothing about me or my thoughts can keep me from going insane, killing myself with food.

"In some circumstances, we have gone out deliberately to get drunk, feeling ourselves JUSTIFIED BY NERVOUSNESS, ANGER, WORRY, DEPRESSION, JEALOUSY, OR THE LIKE.  But even in this type of beginning, we are obliged to admit that our justification for a spree was insanely insufficient in the light of what always happened."
There is no power in food to address feelings and issues.  That's for my heart and mind and God. Eating too much only creates more problems.

"Our behavior is AS ABSURD AND INCOMPREHENSIBLE with respect to the first drink as that of an individual with a passion for, say, jaywalking - (racing in front of a fire engine)."
How much sense does it make to say the taste of choclate and the desire for a lot of it is so great tht it's worth ill health and death?

"But the actual or potential alcoholic, with hardly any exception, WILL BE ABSOLUTELY UNABLE TO STOP DRINKING ON THE BASIS OF SELF-KNOWLEDGE."
This feels overwhelming because it IS way bigger than me.  It's not something I can "think" or "feel" my way out of nor something that anything I personally do will make a lasting change.  I need help!

"His defense must come from a Higher Power"
God, for me my Higher Power, is the only one whom I can reasonably rely upon for guidance, strength, comfort and hope.  It is God who will help me find the sanity I seek.

Amen.