JazzyOne9254
Been Gone For So Long....
Sep 24, 2016
Life happens. To everyone.
Personally, I've been having a midlife crisis, faced with the very real prospect of being old unwanted unloved and alone.
I'm speaking in terms of finding a mate, and establishing a relationship. Finding the love of my life for the rest of my life. Looks like I can bid that idea farewell.
I'm 58 years old. As I've been heard to say more frequently these days:
"Men within my age range are either in a long term relatioinship or married, gay, or dead."
It is very painful to have to face the prospect of being totally alone in the world, in terms of having no living relatives. I have a sister who is much older than I am, and if life events continue in chronological order, she will leave this Earth before I will.
This is the reason I gave up on having a family at 35, more than 20 years ago, besides the fact that I was not married.
For many people, marriage is not necessary to have children, but for me, it is, and yes I'm an idealist. My husband would have had to be an active participant in parenting, and other aspects of family life.
Go for a younger man? Nope. I don't do "Cougar", and I'm not exactly cut out to be a nursemaid to a man much older than I am.
Cutting off posibilities? No, just coming to terms with the inevitable reality that my time for courtship and romance have passed.
To say I'm not happy about it would be an understatement. I'm furious, sad, and nearly inconsolable.
I did try to make a love connection, but the man turned out not to be the man I thought he was.
I'm not putting myself through that again.
I can honestly say that I have been in love only twice in my life. My high school sweetheart, and the man I met in college, the man who I thought would be my husband, and who maintained a relationship with me, and said nothing about his own marriage four years ago.
I don't wish him well. In fact, I hope he experiences more misery than one person can possibly stand, and when that happens, that he suffers much more pain than I'm enduring now.
Bitter? You betcha! I wasted my life on an asshole. There were absolutely no signs. Not one, and I'm not exactly stupid. I would have seen them, and left him immediately. One thing I have never done, and will not do is knowingly fool around with a married man! Because of his bullshit, now I'm too old to be appealing to anyone else. Men don't want women their own age. The men in my age group go for the younger women if they're single.
Don't let the photo avie fool you. It's not current. I had just turned 50 years old when it was taken. That was eight years ago. Funny how just eight years can totally destroy your looks and everything else about you when you get old. My late Mom had good genes, and my Dad was good-looking, too. I guess I got my genes from some distant branch of the family tree. I fall way short in the beauty department.
My face is now wrinkled, as is my neck. I have bat wings, but most of that is from weight loss, I just have a little less elasticity there now, and the skin flaps have turned into bat wings. Wrinkled bat wings. No breasts, just hanging, shriveled skin. Of course, I don't really have to worry about any of that. Only medical personnel and the undertaker will be seeing me naked.
I keep wondering what I did to merit the punishment that my life is, and has been for the past 18 years.
I feel like a prisoner on Death Row must feel. A prisoner in my own life. I go through the motions of life. Wake up, shower, eat, do chores, eat, watch TV, eat and go back to bed. Kind of like "Lather, rinse, repeat".
If I had known my life was going to turn out this way, I would have never had the Duodenal Switch. It was a tool to help get me on a better road, get me back to life, a better life, and it didn't. I never expected the weight loss to magically "fix" everything that was wrong in my life, but I did expect it to help a little, just one scintillionth, but it didn't. I guess someone has to be the negative statistic.
I just wish it didn't have to always be me.
