Jenfur

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Someone asked for an update and it's hard to believe it's been a week already since my cuttin'.  A little about the lead up to it...I WAS FREAKIN TERRIFIED!!!  That pretty much sums it up.  I kept crying all Sunday, freaking out mostly about the thought of not waking up from the surgery and leaving my little boy and also the fact that I'd be pretty useless taking care of him for a few weeks.  It didn't help that they called Fri and told me to be there 6:15am Monday which meant a logistical nightmare since we live an hour away, daycare doesn't open until 6:30 and we were not having an 18 month old running around the hospital waiting room or seeing  me like that afterwards.  We finally worked it out where hubby and I got a room by the hospital and my parents came over Sunday night after we put the little guy to bed and stayed over, got him up and dropped off and then headed to the hospital themselves.  It all worked out but I was so upset I wouldn't get to see him that morning, knowing I wouldn't for a few more days.

I indulged in my first and probably last Firehouse Sub for dinner which is a shame because it was damn good and then made a laughable attempt to sleep that night.  I finally gave up and just told myself I'd be out most of tomorrow anyways so it didn't matter that much.  Hospital was amazing.  THey have this great video board with your name and status for family to watch and even give them a pager (think waiting for a table at Outback type) and whenever it went off, they could go to the desk for an update.  They are very good with not just looking out for the patient but also the family and support.  I didn't even have time to sit down and open a magazine before they were calling me back to get the party started.  Still wonderful folks who explained everything, joked with me and tried to help ease the nerves a little.  I took it as a good sign that they had those little light covers with designs in the ceiling to look at since you're laying down alot and mine was the Air Forces Thunderbirds who I love and as a kid, dreamed of being a pilot with.  Anyways, got my rockin little boots for blood clots, IV, some meds and poked and prodded a little more (all the while, tears intermittently flowing) and finally the happy juice was given.  I vaguely remember saying goodbye to the husband and something to the surgeon when wheeled in the room and the next thing I know, I'm waking up in recovery and then being wheeled to my room and in no pain at all.  It was about 10:30am and the big thing I remember was being told (and having it written on my board) that I was to be up and walking no later then 2:30pm.  I just wanted to sleep but that wasn't happening.   I have to say, I had the most amazing nurses and other people you could ever imagine.  Had me a nice little morphine machine that I only had to push the button and magic would happen.  I tried to only do it if the sutured area was actually hurting and that really wasn't much so by the next morning when Dr checked on me he saw I only used it 9 times and got rid of it.  I can honestly say that the pain for me was very minimal, really more discomfort then actual pain and mostly from the gas.  I got my walk on and several more through the day and swore I didn't need anyone staying with me that night so the folks picked up little boy and hubby stuck around a little longer.   My biiggest problem was getting comfortable in that damn bed, nothing worked and I couldnt move without help and by 7pm I called my mommy and asked her to come back.  That is a really big step for me, ya'll have no idea.  Anyways, finally figured out I was much more comfortable in the reclining chair so that is where I spent my time from there on out.  SO much better.  Next day and night was just sip and walk and I got lots of kudos for all my walking, the night nurse even came on shift that night and told me the day nurse had raved about what a great patient I was and how I was doing the things I should and said that she never raves about anyone.  Made me feel pretty good.  They were also so supportive of the type of surgery.  About how great it was I was doing this for myself and taking control back of my life and all...those little things really mean alot.  Dr came in Wed around 7:30 am said I was good to go and by 8:30 I was loaded up with 2 percocet and on the way home.  I actually stayed awake the whole way home and day one wasn't bad.  I took another pill around 4 and then at 10 to sleep.

The next day hubby went to work and I found out that anything that landed on the floor, stayed on the floor until he came home.  By the grace of God, my Click protein drink finally showed up so I was so happy for that.  I only took one pill the whole day and then at night for bed that day, 2 at night the next and the past two nights, the only thing I've taken is one right before bedtime more to help me sleep then anything.  I'm going to ask tomorrow if I can just take something to sleep.  I did discover that the reclining rocker we used to rock my little guy to sleep is the best thing ever to sleep in so it's in our bedroom now and I'm still in it at night.  I can climb in bed or sit wherever I want, I just really like that freakin recliner so I'll stick with it as long as I can :). 

I feel incredibly blessed, I don't know if I'm just one of the lucky ones or what and I'm terrified I'm going to jinx this but I am having such a remarkably easy recovery.  Went shopping at Kmart Friday, Walmart and Lowes Sat, got my haircut (cute little layered bob and I think I rock it) another trip to Wally to walk and the mall and I was able to get down on the floor and play with my son last night (and get back up on my own).  I haved been over goal for protein and fluids every day except wednesday when I came home and started full liquids today...may goodness I never knew just how good grits and pudding could be, not together, I'm talking Bill Cosby J-E-L-L-O stuff, not rooter to the tooter southern puddin.  The shakes are so much better with milk as well. Speaking of that, it's 3pm and time to finish off some click.  Oh, and the biggest thing that I almost forgot....10 pounds gone forever since last Sunday mornining.  Can't beat that with a stick, heck, some of last seasons contestents didn't do that good the first week of biggest loser.

I got back to work next Monday so hopefully I can keep this update, have a work party Sunday for a recent retiree and can't wait for them to see me lighter and with a new do.

Keep up the great work everyone!  It's worth it.

....and starting to freak out.  I was pretty good with all of this and then suddenly Bam! I'm driving home from work tonight and thing "What the hell am I doing, am I really so fat that I have to do something this drastic"  Now before anyone ask yes, I am.  5"5' starting weight 266 and I'm always tires, hurting, unable to do so many things I want to, etc, etc.  Anyways, it really did get me thinking "How the hell did I get this overweight and stay comfortable with it for so long and I realized it's a lot like that story about the frog.  If you put a frog into boiling water, he'll jump right in.....put him in a pot of room temp and slowly heat it to a boil and you'll end up cooking the poor bastard because he doesn't notice the incrimental increase.  Well, don't know if it would really happen or not but in this story, I'm the poor bastard frog and am I ever cooked. 

So some of the stuff weighing (haha) on my mind.  There is the ever present and I'm sure very popular...What if I don't wake up?  How can I be so selfish to put so much work on my husband during this time having him take care of our 18month old son?  How the hell am I going to go almost 3 days not being with my little guy (surgery is out of town and DH will visit during the day while he's in daycare but don't know how I'll be to have the rugrat visit), Then there are the thoughts of how much am I going to miss some foods.  I do get pleasure in eating some things and some of those in large quantities. I'll never be able to eat another full size Alvin Ord's sandwich or really get down at the Melting Pot.  I'm a SC girl and the BBQ buffets are going to be pointless for me now and bye bye sweet tea.  I like to believe that new things will take the place of those pleasures and I won't desire them so much or will be able to be satisfied with a taste but then what if it isn't?  

My thoughts are starting to get scattered now so I think I'll go fold clothes and catch up on Teen Mom's.  Whoever says that show encourages teen pregnancy has never watched it.

I spent a few days down at Edisto Beach with the extended family this last weekend so my batteries are recharged and I just kept thinking to myself..."next time, I won't have to wear this gosh awful ugly bathing suit and I'll be riding my bike around the island"

 Everything is on track, endo went well and insurance covered a big chunk of it...still got stuck with about $600 in out of pocket but still better then 2 grand, sleep study sucked, I could never do that again and be happy, and I got a date of June 25th.  Today I started getting used to the preop diet and I'm going to try and do it for 3 weeks prior plus using this week as an adjustment to get used to it and figure out when I need to eat and all.  My morning shake usually keeps me full until 12 and I actually notice myself getting run down before I feel any hunger so that is a good thing.  I have my preop class, stuff at the hospital and ultrasound on the 5th, can't believe it's only a week away, and then my last appt with Dr Hughes on the 12th.  I hope to make it to the support group on the 5th as well, guess I'll just make a day of it in the big city.

 I was doing really good with all of it until a couple of days ago.  It all started becoming real and some of the doubts started creeping in.  Why don't I just try dieting one more time, what am I thinking, I'm going to miss food too much, etc, etc.  Even though I know there are other things I'd love to do when I'm able, it scares me some that I'm taking away something that brings me so much joy.  It's silly because I absolutely love and adore my husband and little boy and we've been having great adventures every weekend that I love but I almost feel like taking away the food will be like pulling out the card that's holding up the whole house of cards and not having anything to replace it with.  I can't believe I've become so dependant on food.  The other part is that I'm getting ready to leave my comfort zone.  Fat old me is just who I've been and identified with for so long now that even though it isn't phsycially comfortable, it is comfortable to me.  Change is such a scary thing and I think the enormity of the change I am about to make is just now settling in.  It's not just about losing pounds and fat, it's losing that security blanket the one that allows you to be in a room but not be seen or paid attention to, that I could always use as my reason for failing at something whether it was the reason or not.  People may actually start seeing me again and it's funny because I used to love to be the center of attention and the class clown and now it scares the hell out of me that people might start to notice me.

At first I was thinking this was just about losing weight, be healthy and able to do things with my 18month old and husband and lets be honest, a chance to buy awesome clothes and not at Lane Bryant prices.  Now I'm starting to realize it's going to be journey, one that will lead me both foward towards and amazing and fun filled future but also that will take me back a little bit to rediscover that fearless young lady who always took the lead in a roomful of people, the person who when people laughed around me, I smiled knowing it was because I'd done or said something witty and fun, not the person who hears laughter and thinks it's about me.  I hope to find that young girl that dreamed of one day being a fighter pilot because these days I'm too afraid to tell anyone I had wanted to do that because they'd take one look at me and be like "yea right" they don't make flighsuits in that size.  I'm lucky that I do remember that person and that my husband knew her as well and liked her enough to marry her. 

Please forgive me but this is my first blog post ever so it and the next few will probably be all over the place.