Jeni_A

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I was adjusting my ticker today and realized that I am half way to my goal.  More than that 1 pound over 1/2 way.  That is exciting to me. 

Saw my surgeon today for my 6 week check.  One week prior to surgery I weighed 266.  This was at the pre-surgery appt.  One month prior to surgery I saw the surgeon and weighed 259.  My surgeon uses the 259 as my weight at surgery.  So today I weighed in at 230.  According to my surgeon I have only lost 29 lbs.  According to the week before surgery I have lost 36 lbs.  According to my scale I have lost 42 lbs. buck naked.  I'll take the 36 as an average.  Well my surgeon tells me this is not good enough and right after that he said "there's no way you walk 7 days a week, especially with the weather we've had."  Well doc, I gotta walk my dogs some time, I do so every night after dinner with the entire families involvement.  And he says "hmmm."  He might as well have called me a liar.  At the previous visit he did not believe me about exercise, that is until my hubby confirmed my reports.  So he said "in addition to walking you need to up your exercise, how about an elipitical trainer?"  Sure, thank God I have one sitting in my basement.  "Three times a week for 30-40 mins."  Umm can I have Oxygen while doing so?  Walking 7 days a week is major for me.  It's the most activity I have had outside of normal life in years.  Then he goes on to say " I want you to lose 3-4 lbs per week and on Feb 14 I want you down to atleast 215, if not under 200."  Umm, don't you think I want that too?  So I guess I need to bring DH to each appointment to confirm that I am not lying.  I am so frusturated and upset about this visit.  If I wasn't worried about the recovery process and my over all health, I would not return.  I left feeling absolutely disappointed in myself.  Thanks for listening.

I went back to work last Friday.  Didn't see too many people outside of my unit (mostly did paper work and phone calls).  Today was the day.  Everybody asking questions, looking me up and down.  Congrats given.  Glad to see me back.  I just realized that I work with a bunch of the most supportive people I could know.  At first I was uncomfortable about getting the once over, but I then realized that I am the one who told these people and they have every right to be curious and check me out.  And hell I am looking and feeling better every day....

I can't eat, I can't sleep, I can't talk...I sound like a country song.  There are times of excitement, terror, anxiety, and WTF am I thinking.  Then I had to do a video for school and I was OMG I am fucking fat. How did I get that big.  Am I in denial of how big I actually am?  No but everyone tells me that there's no way I could qualify for surgery,  I think that they are just being kind, I see my size.  4 more days....I can't wait.

I went to see the psychiatrist.  OMG I am so excited.  I was completely honest with her and am feeling really good about this.  I told her why I didn't like her and was able to tell her the truth.  I have a problem with food.  It is strong and I need to get a grip on it or I won't be successful.  I was going for a soft food diet.  I think I could be successful on one shake a day until surgery.  I want to show myself that I am in control.  I started walking this morning.  I need to keep it up. 

The heart burn continues.  If I don't take prilosec daily I am in trouble.  I am tired and energy less.  I hope this will change soon.  I began a more personal journal today.  Hopefully it will help me with all I need to describe and help me through all of this.  I was hoping that I would meet some supportive people on here, but its like I am talking to myself.

I went to see the surgeon for the last visit today.  Woah did I get a slap in the face.  I was all set to have surgery next week.  Had the EDG done last Friday.  The surgeons secretary said that he had opennings for this next week.  Then he comes into the exam room and says "we (the surgeon, his nurse, the dietician, the program manager, and the psychologist) have met, like we do every week, and have decided that you will be ready for surgery in one month.  You need to see the dietician and the psychologist one more time."  WTF.  I have seen the dietician 3 times and I have seen the psychologist 3 times and you want me to go more.  This is time consuming and taking time out of my daily schedule, as no one can schedule at similar times.  Now I have to see them again, particularly the psychologist so she can give the last OK.  Atleast the dietician pulled me in her office today to eliminate one appt.  And how does the psychologist get so much power?  What is it that she is keeping from me, what is her view of me.  I am a counselor too and maybe she senses something I just am not seeing.  I don't even feel she is good at counseling.  She just wants to offer suggestions of how I can live through difficult things in my life.  Ironically, I openned up to her at the last appt about some of the anxiety I was experiencing and I am assuming that she is the reason that all my hard work is being put off for a month.  I don't feel very comfortable addressing my concerns with these people.  Maybe it is because I feel belittled everytime they review the procedure with me, everytime they stress the importance of the diet and maintaining a log, everytime they tell me what I need to do, I get it.  As a matter of fact, I got it the first time they explained it.  I am a well educated person, possibly as much as those trying to tell me what I will need to do to be successful.  I don't need a thousand reminders, or someone checking up on me.  I may be a procrastinator, but when it comes down to it I am always prepared and ready for the challenge.  Bring it on.  Just don't disappoint me, as I have had enough disappointments including those with in myself...I guess that is what today was, a big disappointment.

It's 9/10 tomorrow is 9/11a very important date in history.  I continue to be inpatient and awaiting completion of all testing.  Wanting badly for a surgery date.  One more week until I finish all testing and then off to the surgeon the week after.  A long drawn out process.  AHHHHHH!  It appears, after reviewing others' journey that my surgeon schedules surgery 3-4 weeks after that final visit.  I will continue to bite my nails in anticipation...I just want to have my surgery yesterday!  This is difficult.  I continue to track my protien and fluid intake daily.  I am taking 20-30 minutes to eat my meals.  I have found a new love for veggies.  I am ready...I'm ready..I'm ready.

August 26, 2007

I have been approved, have been for since last Monday.  Now it's more hoops.  I have worked so hard for so long and I have more stuff to do.  Pulmonary Function Test - CHECK!  
Last visit with the dietician before surgery - CHECK!
Abdominal Ultra Sound - RESCHEDULED due to work conflict 9/17.
Upper GI - RESCHEDULED due to work conflict 9/17.
Chest X-ray and EKG - on a walk in basis will do on 9/17 to save a trip.
So because these needed to be rescheduled I had to reschedule with the doctor from 9/6 to 9/25.  
So after I meet with the doctor and review all of these oh so important tests, he tells me if it is safe to continue.  But I don't schedule a date here, NO! I must schedule an appt for blood work and then with the surgeon and then a date...this is very time consuming.  Especially since I have been working with my PCP on this for a year and the surgeon since Feb 07.  I wanted my surgery yesterday.
PATIENCE ~ is a virtue....I must learn to be patient.  Only then will I truely become a patient.
I guess I will just take a and relax.  Good thing come to those who wait. 

My request for surgery to the insurance was made on 7/20/07.  Now I wait.  I saw the nutritionist yesterday.  I got my first food journal.  She was surprised that I had not recieved one sooner.  I haven't even reviewed the information that she provided at the group presentation.  I am the type of person who does not do homework until there is a reason.  I was waiting for insurance approval.  I hate to waste time if there is not going to be a surgery.  I have been keeping a food journal.  I haven't been too honest, as they want me to try to loose weight prior to surgery.  But I have made some changes in my diet that are important.  I have been smoke free for 11 days, with the help of Chantix, which like WLS is a tool, one that I have been successful with.  I know that I can do what I set my mind too, but sometimes I need help to make the committment a little less difficult.