Jennellybean
Here We Go...
May 03, 2015
So here it is... my first blog post. I've written similar things before, but I think this time I'll be 100% honest and detailed. Formerly, I never actually revealed my weight, never talked actual numbers, never talked about true feelings. But, I figure it's time to get real with myself and reach out to people who know what it's like and who won't judge me. I'm Jenn. I was born and raised in Toronto, Ontario and am now living in Pickering with my husband, our 2 dogs and 2 rabbits. I'm going to be 30 next month, just got married in February. I don't have any children yet and have been advised not to get pregnant right now due to my weight. I'm a kindergarten teacher and take pride in teaching everyone else's children but hope more than anything to have some of my own one day.
My weight issue started when I was 8 weeks old. I was born with an excessive amount of mucus in my body. The story goes that while I was in the NICU at North York General Hospital, the doctors fed me twice as much as a normal infant to make me throw up the fluid that was in my body. That may, or may not have messed up the way my body metabolizes nutrients, nobody really knows. I was born full term at only 5 lbs 4 oz. At 2 months old I started to gain weight exponentially. I was sent to The Hospital for Sick Children in Toronto where I was monitored every so often until I was 4 years old. I had my body pinched and prodded. I had doctors assess my every milestone and test me for everything under the sun. PCOS, hypothyroidism, cushing's syndrome- you name it, I was tested for it. At one point the doctors even threatened my mother that perhaps it would be best if I lived with another family. My family underwent nutritional counseling- even though I was breast fed- and my food choices were observed while I played with toy food.
At the age of 4, my mom was told that my RMR (resting metabolic rate) was at only 500 calories per day and if I was fed as such my brain development would be hindered. She was told to take me home and love me- and that's what she did. However, I was still sent to every doctor under the sun. Nutritionists, dietitians, endocrinologists, allergists, psychiatrists, pediatricians. I had doctors theorize that maybe I was allergic to milk or wheat. Maybe my father had molested me and I was secretly eating because I was ashamed. Maybe I was depressed and had no friends and secretly ate as a comfort mechanism. Food became my enemy. My grandmother wouldn't let me have the same kind of food that she'd allow my brother. She'd bake him fresh chocolate chip cookies and say that I couldn't have one because I had a "weight problem". I wasn't allowed to have a whole bagel at breakfast because one whole bagel equaled 4 slices of bread- and she proceeded to take out a food scale to show me. I was at my great-aunt's house and there was a little crystal unicorn that I loved, and I asked her if I could have it. She told me that I could have it if I lost 25 lbs. Their hearts were in the right place, but for a child, it really had an effect on the way I saw myself, and the way I saw food.
I was in weight watchers at the age of 9. I remember I was playing a game at school and my prize was a candy. I, at 9, went up to my teacher and told her that I was in weight watcher's and couldn't have the candy as a prize. She took it back, and gave me a sticker instead. As a teacher today, it breaks my heart to think that a child had to go through something like that. I remember being at birthday parties where all of my friends were eating pizza and cake. I'd have some too, but the guilt I felt was indescribable. It's the same guilt I feel today whenever I eat anything. At the age of 6, I was put into counseling. I had no self esteem, and I didn't want to take any risks. I remember my counselor asking me one time if there was one thing that I really wanted to do but felt that I couldn't. I was 7. I said that I wanted to climb on the monkey bars. I couldn't. My body weight was too heavy for me to support myself. She didn't understand this though and had my try. I fell flat on my butt. She didn't know what to say. Eventually the doctor visits stopped. Nobody found anything wrong with me but my body kept piling on the weight.
School was probably the hardest- especially when I reached junior high. Kids can be so mean. I would walk up the stairs and kids would yell "earthquake". In seventh grade I wrote a speech about the Titanic that I had to recite to the class. Of course, Titanic + Big Girl = Evil boys making rude comments. I was always an advocate for myself though. I tried to explain to people that I just had a slow metabolism- that my weight wasn't my fault. Things didn't get any easier. Gym class was awful. Cross country running and coming back 20 minutes late for the next class because I physically couldn't run. I tried to explain to the teacher why I couldn't run but he made me try anyway. After I came back 20 minutes late for the next class and was made fun of, my teacher didn't make me do it again, but the damage had already been done. For flag football, having your teacher tell you to tie two belts together because the one didn't fit, did nothing for my self image.
I carried on though. At 18, I was done with being so big. I heard about the Atkins Diet. But, I was never a big meat eater and found that if I added ANY carbs into my diet I'd blow up. For a year and a half, I ate nothing but chicken and lettuce. At 12 years old I was over 200 lbs. By 17 years old I was over 300. On my version of Atkins, I got myself down to 170-ish- and then the loss stopped. I tried kick starting ketosis many times, but nothing happened. At this point, I had also developed gallstones because I lost all this weight in only a year and a half. One gallstone got stuck in my bile duct and I needed emergency surgery. After surgery, the doctors told me that I was nutrient deficient and needed to eat a healthy balanced diet. So I did. i went up to 240+ lbs in a blink of an eye. At this point, I went into my GP and asked for help. He sent me to Dr. Poon. I lost 50 lbs on Dr. Poon's diet, and then, it stopped working. He told me that it was chemically impossible for his diet to stall and that I must be doing something wrong. I kept a strict food journal and he tested my urine every week- yet I was still doing something wrong. After Poon failed, I kept low carb and was able to maintain my weight at about 200-225 lbs. I'm only 5'2"-5'3" and so even with all of my lost weight I was still considered morbidly obese. I tried weight watchers again at one point and was working out for 2 hours a day- and- nothing. I'd lose 2 lbs, put on 4 lbs. Lose 3 lbs, put on 6 lbs. My body seems to just not respond to anything the way that a normal body should.
Throughout all of this, I still managed to finish 2 university degrees and a college diploma. I met a man who absolutely loves me for all who I am. But I still struggle, every single day with the same thing that has plagued me since I was 8 weeks old. Back in November I went to my new GP and asked him for help. He sent me back to an endocrinologist and I, again, was sent for test after test. This time though, my blood work showed signs of liver and kidney damage. I was hoping that the elevated ALT levels weren't point to fatty liver- but unfortunately, that seems to be the culprit. Either way, I was tested again for PCOS, diabetes, hypothyroidism, cushing's, had my testosterone checked and God only knows what else. Everything came back normal.
My endocrinologist though, didn't send me away empty handed. He said something to me that blew my mind. He said, "Jenn, we don't know what we're doing. When it comes to weight, medical science really only understands two functions- the adrenal, and the thyroid. There are thousands of hormones in the body that contribute to how the body metabolizes and uses energy, but we don't know what they are or how to test them. So, there is something wrong with you, we know that. There is something that is causing your body to store too much fat, but, science isn't advanced enough for us to be able to find out what that something is. Diet and exercise won't help you. The only thing that I can confidently suggest for you is bariatric surgery."
And so here I am. 30 years old, 270+ lbs. With no answer- as so many of us are. This surgery is my only option and I'd go under the knife right at this very second if I could. Obviously it won't be easy, but what in my life thus far has been? I've been put on the Ontario Bariatric Network referral list and am now waiting.
I can't wait. I haven't really told many people yet that I've opted for surgery. When I mentioned it to my mom she was totally against it. But, what other choice do I have? I'll either continue gaining weight and then develop life threatening co-morbidities, or, I have the surgery and deal with whatever that brings. Until then, though, I'm stuck just waiting and watching as my body continues to balloon.
I hope I find the support I'm looking for here! I've got a long road ahead of me!
