9 days away!

Apr 19, 2010

I still don't think it has completely sunk in that I will be having this surgery in 9 days.  It still doesn't seem real.  Consciously, I don't feel nervous, but I think my subconscious is because I have had the worst insomnia for the past week and it doesn't seem to be getting any better.  At this point I just want to get it done and over with so my mind will relax and I can start moving forward.  I've been taken out for so many "last meals" with friends the past month, I've gained 5 pounds!  Honestly, I am tired of eating, I feel gross for having ate so much the past couple weeks.  Saturday will be the last hurrah, my closest friends are taking me out for sushi and then we are going out to celebrate and say goodbye to the old me. 

I'm glad that most of my friends are happy and excited for me and have been so supportive. I only have one friend that I told who opposed my decision.  It makes me very sad that she has stopped talking to me, we live in different states, and I don't get to see her often.  She is my best friend.  I hope that she will come around and accept my decision.  The only other people I've told were my friends who live in the same city as me, because one of them is getting married in October so I felt like I had to tell her because I am going to be a bridesmaid!  My parents know, and my boss.  My brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandma, and all of my other friends who live in other cities have no idea I am going to do this.  I'm not going to hide it from them.  If I am asked I will tell them.  I just don't want to hear it right now.  I know I am doing the best thing for me. 

Most of my friends have never had a weight problem, they can't understand.  They also have never struggled with major treatment resistant depression like I have.  My depression is the reason I gained most of the weight.  I've been in an unrelenting depression for 7 years.  I feel like I am coming out of it, I have been working on it for almost a year.  I want the surgery to finish the process so that I can move on with my life.  When I am depressed, I eat, I gain weight, I get depressed about my weight, I eat....its a vicious cycle.  Having this surgery is going to break that pattern for me.  I am going to have confidence in myself again and look better.  When I found out I was approved for surgery, for the first time I had hope.  It feels good to look forward to the future for the first time in years.

I have been working with a psychiatrist and a therapist for a year on my problems. When I told them I wanted to do this, they were supportive of my decision.  They agree that doing this will help me mentally and physically.   While I may not have diabetes or sleep apnea, my weight has affected my life tremendously.  If I don't lose the weight, my depression would only get worse as I see life passing me by.  While all my friends have being following their paths in life, going back to school, getting masters degrees, moving to new cities, getting better jobs, getting married, having children...I've been stuck in my fat and my depression.  I am so anxious to start my life again!

I know that the surgery isn't going to magically solve all my problems, but it is going to give me a tool to help me manage my weight and live a healthier lifestyle, which will in turn improve my mood and appearance, which will then help all the other pieces in my life to fall into place and make me a more complete person with a more fulfilling life. 

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