First day of contemplation...

Feb 04, 2010

February 5, 2010
Current weight:
287.9 lbs
(personal record highest weight)

Well...this is the first day of action....but not the first day of contemplation, research or hoping, wishing and dreaming....you know I realized I was stuck when I began to see that even in my dreams...where I can even FLY for God's sakes...I am still in THIS body...still overweight. I am so used to seeing myself overweight as I have been my entire adult life from the age of 20 that I can not even DREAM of myself being anything but fat. Sad fact is that in my dreams, my weight is just "wriiten" in to the scheme...it is not odd, doesn;t stick out make me sad or unhappy...it is just present like my blue eyes....a fact. I want to change that "fact".

Motivator number 2...My health has plummeted....I have the health of an 85 yr old...I don;t have the health of a 37 yr old active mom !
~ I have arthtitis, sore joints and bad knees
~ I have depression
~ I have asthma
~ I have back pain
~ I have pre- heart disease symptoms at 37 !!!!!!
~ I have the pre-diabetes
~ I have stress incontinence
~ generalized edema

All of which have some correlation if not direct correlation to my excess weight.
The last 5 nights I have been unable to sleep in a supine position....I feel like I am drowning...I KNOW it is connected to my weight gain SOME HOW!
This is unacceptable to me.....

Even if I never have WLS surgery due to my crohn's disease, I need to find a way to live healthier...and hopefully just living healthier might have the extra bonus of losing some weight...

My areas of needed improvement are:
I have poor self body image
I am an emotional eater
I tend to transfer addictions
I love fast food and unhealthy foods
I do not eat periodically throughout the day
I am highly critical of myself and unforgiving
I supress stressful events
I am easily offended
I am easily tempted and use "justification" as a means to give myself permission to fall off the wagon so to speak.

My strengths are:
I am emotionally connected and aware
I have been through horrific tragedies and found inner strength to come back and be BETTER and MORE EMPOWERED !
I am compassionate and loving
I enjoy helping others and making others feel good about themselves
I have support from my boys !
I am a believer in my own possibilities
I am intelligent
I give and get love !

Day plan:
Today I am going to develop this profile.
I am going to watch my son's tournament , get out and move ! (park far from the entrance !) 
I am going to try and enjoy those moments with my kids and not think about how fat I look while I am there.
I am going to buy a scale
I am going to really pay attention today when I go grocery shopping and buy smart

At the end of the day I am going to remind myself what a great job I did !

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