No more feeling trapped...now I am just living a day at a time

Sep 07, 2009

Friends often say that people who live in Hawaii aren't allowed to complain about anything, it is paradise after all and yes, I have to admit we islanders have it better than most.  Beautiful beaches, near perfect weather, amazing things to do everywhere you turn and of course ALOHA abounds.  I do love it here, that is for sure and find myself filled with gratitude each day I wake up and look out the window to take in the sights of the sun rising over the mountain that graces the view from my window and front porch.

For years I have done what most of us have done, tried and failed at losing weight.  Trying and failing, trying and failing.  So, for a few years I quit trying.  I threw out my scale several years back and just decided it did not matter.  I was going to be what I was going to be and so I quit measuring, quit trying and basically just accepted that I am a fat girl.  That plan didn't work out so well.  The weight went on slowly  maybe a 1/2 pound a month or so, until after a decade plus of marriage I was 100 pounds more than my wedding day weight and there was no relief in site.  It didn't matter what I tried, nothing would take off more than 15-20 pounds and nothing could keep me focused.  I was too busy, too stressed and too fat and I LOVE sweets.

I was feeling terrible about myself, trapped in a body I hated.  I couldn't do the things physically that I really wanted to do, found it hard to be in social situations where I knew I would see someone that I hadn't seen in a while and felt like I was trapped inside a body that wouldn't cooperate.  I mean, I looked in the mirror and saw my "grandmother's butt", my fat face didn't look at all like the pretty girl brown eye'd teenage I have pictures of in my albums, and my middle section looked like I was in my eighth month of a 5 year pregnancy.  God forbid someone wanted to take pictures of some special event or just us out having fun somewhere.  Anyone out there relating to this ?

So earlier this year, I came across a recent photo of some distant relatives on my moms side of the family.  I have not seen them in about 15 years and time had not been a friend to them either.  They were all huge.  Aunties, uncles, cousins.....all pushing 300 lbs!  The photo shocked me, I mean last time I saw these folks from my gene pool they were chubby yes,  but my goodness they were all so big and uncomfortable looking!  I could see the pain and misery in their eyes, could relate to the embarrasment of having to pose for a picture when you feel so bad about yourself.

I realized at that moment, that if I didn't find the courage to do something NOW, it would only be a few more years before I would be also joining the 300 club too ......and then what?  How does someone even begin to loose that kind of weight?  Once I get that old, how would I  find the energy to run/walk/exercise?  How could I possibly change my families habits so they aren't begging me to make my famous dessert or dinners that are loaded with love, fat and carbs?  How do I stop "eating" ......or eating things I LOVE?  eating for fun?  eating for comfort?  eating for eating? 

So, I did what many are doing now which means I turned to weight loss surgery.  After reading, asking, consulting professionals and the internet, I opted for the R & Y, mainly because my doctor told me that I would need something that would ensure I couldn't eat high amounts of fat and sugar.  Apparently the R & Y proceedure leaves you feeling sick if you eat bad things and so since I was getting "real" with myself about my problem, I decided to make the commitment with the back up assurance that if I forsook my goals, my body would help me out by reminding me that I couldn't eat/live that way any more.

I had my surgery in July and so far it has been ok.  I say ok because I am getting through each phase, just a day at a time.  I have made some good progress, lost 25 or so but the emotional things, the heart of the matter is what is difficult I think.  Quitting anything you have come to rely on is hard.....drugs, booze, sex, love....food, whatever it is that gets you through is very hard to move on without.  I wish the weight was coming off faster.  I am supposed to be close to 200 pounds by the time I see my doctor again in October, and at the rate I have been losing that doesn't look probable, although I have been loosing 2-3 lbs a week.

The pills and vitamins are a pain in the $#%&.  The ones you can swallow are ok, but I despise the Flinstones chewable's and the calcium horse pill that I have to take twice a day.  I am not very hungry and food has kind of lost it's appeal, which is a good thing in one way, but that makes it hard to be motivated to eat.  WLS patients are supposed to eat at least 70 grams of protein a day and that is tough to do.  Sometimes I do feel those old feelings of wanting to eat "socially" or when I may need some comfort so to speak, but there isn't much that is comfortable about those situations at this point.  I miss my coffee, beer and chocolate.

Anyway, I am here and doing ok.  If I can be a support to someone else, please write.  If I can provide my humble opinion or offer advice, I will but just know it is only from my perspective.

Wishing Aloha to all my sisters out there who are struggling too and hoping that you too can find a solution even if it just means you work at it one day at a time.

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