Tami B.

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I swear to God I'm gonna scream!  I am STILL at 226!!!!  I have been stalled for three weeks now.  I even started the Meat and Egg fast and in two days haven't lost an ounce!  How can this be happening!  I'm eating 700 calories a day, 3-5 carbs and low fat.....ENOUGH ALREADY!!!

I'M SO HAPPY I COULD SCREAM!  I HAVE A DATE!  APRIL 9TH IS MY NEW BEGINNING, THANK YOU GOD FOR ANSWERING MY PRAYERS AND BRINGING THIS TO PASS.  NOW GIVE ME THE STRENGTH I NEED TO LOSE A FEW MORE POUNDS!!!

Well, I've been on Atkins induction since Sunday, March 4th and I've lost 7lbs.  I started TOM this week and really think it's more like 8-9, but we'll see when TOM leaves.  Still waiting on Nancy to call with a firm date.

March 12, 2007

Kaiser called me on Friday and asked if I could take a March 21st surgery date!  Of course I can't cause I need more time to hire a temp and train her in my job, so I asked for April.  She said I was 4th on my doctors surgery list so that should be no problem!  It's finally happening, I'm so happy!!!  I have to lose 6 more pounds to be at goal though, but that's okay cause I lost 7 just last week alone, I'm hauling @$$ at the gym and doing strick Atkins.....I hope I find out this week my exact surgery date, I'm so happy!

Well, Nancy at Fremont Kaiser is saying that they are scheduling surgery out 2-3 months!  Looks like I've got one hell of a wait before me now don't I?  Seems like since Feb of 2006 I've been fighting to have this surgery and I've hit one road block after another, it's amazing!  Well, another fat summer for me, I sure wanted to be on the losing end when the summer came so I wouldn't be so embarassed when people come over to swim.  Oh well, I just won't swim around people I'm not comfortable with.  Man this is really a bummer for me.  Oh well, what can you do?

Nancy called to say my chart is now on Dr. Hahn's desk with about 20 others and it could be a couple weeks before she calls me with an "update" as to where I am on the waiting list?  What did I miss?  I thought you got a call after a couple weeks with a date?  Oh well, in His timing it will all work out!

Well, here it is the end of January and I'm still trying to lose those same pounds I was trying to lose in October.  Haven't gained, but not real motivated to lose it either, I think Matt's death has had something to do with some of this, I just don't really care it seems.  So today I've vowed to get back on track and really push myself to eat right and exercise so I can get this surgery date scheduled.  Please dear God, let this come to pass.....

Well, last night at around 9:20, my husband and I built up the strength to fill my mother and my pendant.  The process began, I removed the white butcher wrap from his ashes to find a plastic brown box, I carefully broke the seal and took a deep breath, not sure how I was going to react when I opened the top and saw the bag with the ashes inside.  But I did it, and then I had to actually open the plastic bag.  I took another deep breath and said, "hello Matthew, so here you are...I'll try not to disturb you, I just need a little bit of your ashes."  They looked nothing like I thought they would, there were dime sized pieces of what looked like black coal and lots of small white pieces.  The ashes were almost black.  So I put the spoon in and began filling Mom's pendant first, it was so hard cause the funnel kept getting clogged with larger pieces of whatever, so I had to keep going back in and sifting for just ash.  Dear God was this hard.  I filled hers and then did mine.  We closed the bag and closed the lid of the urn and my husband put it away.  I then put on the lids to the pendants and tapped them....oh boy, bad mistake, because I looked in my mom's and it was about 1/4 full.  Apparently something had blocked them from falling and it looked fuller.  So I looked at my husband and he said, "that's fine" and I told him, "no way, I can't do that to her, she deservs to have hers just as full as mine" and so he grabbed the urn and we went through the process all over again.  We then glued the tops and it was done.  I was a bit freaked out because I had black ash all over my hand from going in and out of the bag, touching the sides of it.  My husband wanted to do it, but I felt I had to do this.  So I calmed myself down and said, "hey, it's just my baby brother, not some stranger, no need to be so freaked out" and washed my hands.  When we were finished, I got a really bad stomach ache and was up most of the night, I have the kind of tummy that when I get stressed or upset, I immediately get a stomach ache and spend hours and hours on the toilet....last night wasn't any different.  But I did thank God for giving me the strength, I didn't shed one tear, and my husband said he was very proud of me, he thought I would have been a bawling mess.  It was hard, very hard seeing the ashes and saying to myself, "that's my brother" that part kinda hurt deep in my heart, to think that was him, that's what became of him and his life.  But it is what it is, and I'll see him again.

Wow, could this day have been any harder?  My poor Mom, she's still in so much pain, still thinks if she would have called an ambulance sooner, he'd still be alive.  I'm in the anger stage now, angry that he did this to us, he didn't need to take all this crap he was on, he knew better!  Left us all with all this garbage because he was too damn selfish to do the right thing....wow, I can't imagine ever doing to my Mom what he's done.  Now I have these friggin' ashes on my table, with a huge label on him that says "the LATE Matthew Smith" what the hell is he late for?  Why do they say that?  My God that's such a lame statement.....I didn't know he was late for anything, in fact, I think he was a little to early for one thing, and that was his death!

My brother passed on December 2, 2006 and I'm not doing well at all,  I can't sleep, I haven't eaten and I can't stop crying.  The newspaper screwed up my brother's obituary today, so we had to have it all redone and placed again tomorrow.  It's just all a mess, and at this time of year.  I took a picture of him in front of my fireplace on Thanksgiving at his request, who would have known 8 days later he'd be dead and this picture would be at his memorial.  I had to step over his dead body to get into my Mom's apartment when I went to be with her, I had to look at his white, lifeless body and hear my Mother recount how she kept shaking him and telling him to wake up Matt, wake up, but she knew he was dead.  I've had to go to her home and go through all his belongings and bag and box everything up so she can eventually go home, I found things in there I had given him or written to him that I didn't think even mattered to him that he kept in a special box....I just can't do this, not at this time of year, I want nothing more now than to die myself and be with him.  How are we all supposed to go on after this.  I'm being strong for my Mom and there is no one there being strong for me, I just can't take the grief and stress, it's so damn hard.  Services are Saturday.  I wish everyone I know would pray for my strength, but would God answer anyway?  I mean, He let my brother die?