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Discovered TOM was wearing me down too much so beefed up not only vits but protein will see if it helps.

Maintaining weight loss this week from last weeks overfill, so pleased with that, given my minor indulgences at Thanksgiving weekend.

This Friday and next going to speak at Premier Bariatric's MVH infosessions as the lap-band person, pretty excited about that, trying to figure out what to wear!  Such a girl!  I want to look my best (let's be honest - THINNEST) possible so as to put the best face on the band. 

I am still figuring out what I will say.....but I am so ready to answer questions, and I have a bunch of pics and stuff to put in an album and take them with me!

Hubby wants me to take my wedding dress, I am still on the fence about that one.

I am thankful for:

My family
My health - especially not having sleep apnea
My lap-band, my port, my surgeon and staff
My new confidence - I don't think I even had this much when I was younger (psychological trauma issues)
My new body (vain, but it is vastly improved, saggy skin spots and all!)
My ribs - see story below

Happy moments today:
Fitting behind other people's chairs without them getting up.  Not having to push the table out just so me and DH (formerly big dude himself, now 202 and 6'1") could fit in and get out without knocking something over...

OK today my DH said "what is that" I said "what do you mean" and he said that and I touched it and said "that's my rib, damnit" and he laughed, and said "wow, I felt your rib, when was the last time I could do that" 

Eating and enjoying my very small tiny dinner, and I even ate some macaroni and cheese, yummo, and every bite being worth it instead of just hoovering Thanksgiving into my face.

I loved my band today!

Turns out I had 8cc in my band and that was just too many, got .25 prox taken out today, it was painful not the regular doc he was a lot tougher and it hurt like heck, my port area is going to be sore for days now (always hurts after  a fill but usually for a couple of days...prolonged now). 

I struggled with it for too many hours.  It's hard to know when you are too tight and go in vs. just drinking fluids, waiting it out and seeing if the swelling goes down. 

Don't wait, go back in ASAP when you need a partial unfill!

On a positive note, though, in four lbs I will be Overweight and not OBESE!

I have been walking around the universe with the mistaken belief that my high weight was 281 after having my daughter because that's what I weighed when I joined the gym when she was 4 months old.  But then I found pictures that indicate that at some point after she was born I was even larger....I started that pregnancy at 259 and then after she was born I lost 21 lbs and then gained it all back, it was the scariest weight gain ever, and it happened in like four weeks, insane! 
So now I wonder just how high I was?  I started my pregnancy with my son at 277, and only got up to 294.  I ate but watched and made healthy choices because I couldn't exercise the last half due to breathing problems......and he was small but healthy and I felt guilty like I deprived him of food, which is nuts, because he got SO big after getting out of my fat carcass.  I had it in my head that my fat was confining him and keeping him from growing (pathological, I know, yet there is probably some truth there?).  I was really worried about gestational diabetes and I have zero idea how I dodged that bullet.
I also found honeymoon pics at 275 in 1998 and I was enormous.  I just can't believe it is me and that at 25 I was that freaking fat!  It is hard not to loathe that version of myself, yet I know that is counterproductive to my success long-term.  I have to keep telling myself that I was some version of beautiful at all phases in my life....but it's hard. 
The cruise in 2001 September, yes, that was a heck of a trip immediately after 9/11, I am so big I don't recognize myself.  I have always had a version of body dysmorphia, whether it was not acknowledging how big I am or how small I was.  I thought I was fat in third grade (I was super skinny, just had thighs already so thought I was fat because I was already comparing myself to my friends and peers).  I wonder if I still have it even though I feel like right now I truly know myself, maybe I still think I look thinner than I am, or do I think I am fatter than I am?  It is such a struggle to know where you are when you are there, it is so much easier to view yourself in retrospect and have a better perspective on reality.
So I am going to scan these pics and add them to my before album, as a reminder of my body dysmorphia and how it goes both directions.  I guess I should load a picture of myself as a young skinny person to because I thought I was fat long before I got there.

Yesterday I had a beautiful day at work.  The Friday before I had purchased my first pair of sz 12, Levi Curvy Fit (great jeans for girls with junk and hips!) and it turned out they weren't goal jeans after all...but I was afraid to wear them, thought my belly looked too fat...etc... beating myself up when I should have been celebrating.   Felt guilty about the $30 and deep down, I think I felt I didn't deserve them yet.
OK so back to yesterday.  It was one of our jean days for the OSU Michigan game and so I went to Wal-Mart to buy a cheap red shirt to wear with ? jeans.  Came home to try on fitted size L shirt with jeans felt fat, still debating.  Decided to wear jeans w pantyhose next day to hold in the tummy (legs and bottom looking just fine, better than any other clothes, in fact) so I got dressed in the morning, was nervous.  Got to work telling myself over and over that I am beautiful and I deserve to look good....got so many compliments in the first 20 minutes at work plus admiring glances from others that I relaxed and actually believed what I told myself that morning.
I should have taken a picture because I haven't looked that good since I was really young.  Just full of myself and feelin' like a hottie for once! 
OH and everyone loves my hair, I celebrated with JEANS last Friday and HAIR on Tuesday.  
I felt so good I wore the outfit again today (Sat)  Think I will have to wash it now, LOL!

I'm in ONEderland today!  I am so incredibly excited I can hardly think about anything else...198.8 is so awesome to see, I had to do it twice of course to be sure.

Feeling great with my fill and losing again, now that protein is increased.  October 2000 is the last month in which I weighed less than 200 lbs, I was down to about 185 at the lowest point in September 2000, then I started going up by the end of October (went from Atkins to carbcrazy)....so I am approaching  my Christmas goal of 185.

Feels really good to be that # and not a 200+ lb girl anymore.  Wearing a 14 is also awesome, and cute fitted sweaters....Honestly, I showed my coworker the top of my belly yesterday and she said it didn't look bad at all, and she is about 100lbs and perfect...

When you eat your protein, limit your carbs and exercise, it works, that's the bottom line.  And the band keeps me from feeling like I am starving while I make those lifestyle changes....that's life as a bandster.

Onward ho to goal!

Today I thought the scale would be even lower because I drank about 112 or maybe 134 oz yesterday, and I got all my protein in.

Lesson for others reading this - don't calculate protein in your head, chances are you suck at it like me!  Use the bloody websites such as dailyplate @ livestrong.com like me.  Yesterday I ended up with 67 grams protein, today 68.  Today was a high fat day, but calories still 900.

Walked today, and yesterday I did the stairs and a walking path at work up down up down around it was crazy but great.  Got super sweaty today, was unusually warm and we walked pretty far, I loved it.

OK today finally back to 202 here's to losing tomorrow. 

Here's what I realized last night at support group:

1. Dr. Teel is the awesomest ever.  Love him, truly, he is such a giving, kind surgeon. 
2. I wasn't getting enough protein.  When he asked, I said "yes" but then as I thought about it I realized I really wasn't because of the "too dry" or "too this" or "too that" episodes.  Last night I ate 4oz of protein at dinner.  No room for much veggies, but I got the &*()*&() protein in!
3. I am doing awesome, but my band is tighter than other people's.  So I may not get a fill on the 24th after all, but I may go to see him anyway to go over things.
 

Still no onederland, but at least I am in a size 14 bottom and a 12/14 top and everyone thinks I look great (if only they saw me naked) but I still have such a long way to go to goal, 62 lbs!

Some "haters" are already like you look great why are you so worried about what you eat?  I'm thinking I know where you're coming from, you don't want me to be hotter than you...so I will!

Tonite is support group I am so glad I need it, tips for eating through the holidays, I will post them here afterward.  Happy losing everyone, maybe I can at least drop the extra 2 lbs I am still holding after TOM.  They also changed the scale at work and I am hoping it is just higher by 2 lbs..........

OK so the up pounds have to go bye-bye and then onto onederland finally, I hope by the end of the week...........

Got stuck on chicken legs, that's the third time, I think that's officially a sign that I can't eat them anymore, not sure why, maybe too sinewy?

My DH and I worry when I get stuck and throw up.  Drank two SF hot chocolates w skim milk to get some sustenance and liquids in after dinner, at least that was yum!