Life after surgery - Emotional loss

Sep 05, 2017

I have been on a journey, since 15OCT16, to lose a regain of 96 pounds.  Things have gone relatively well.  I had gotten down to 160.1 pounds on 13AUG17, and started going through a roller coaster.  I had a binge of Talenti, one to two quarts daily.  I was maintaining my training appointments, but my aerobic activity on off days has decreased to little to none.  I've not been making my daily step goal of 12K at all.  I got of the gelato merry-go-round, but still am not meeting my activity level.  My weight has been coming back down.

Last Friday, 1SEP17, my 95 year old grandmother had emergency surgery for blood clots.  It was found that her ascending aortic aneurysm, previously treated on three occasions through the years, has began to expand again-the culprit of the clots.  A small piece ofclot got loose during the surgery and disappeared into her pelvis.  Blood flow to a muscle in her right thigh was blocked, and that muscle is now dying.  Risks of throwing another clot, causing a stroke, pulmonary embolism, or her aortic aneurysm is high.  Hospice in her home is now beginning.  She can't go to an inpatient, she's too well.

I've been spending overnights with her, being the nurse in the family.  My food is downhill, not excessive by any means, but not as much protein as I need.  My training sessions cancelled so I can spend as much time possible with my grammy.  She is my last surviving grand parent.  This year, I turned the age she was when I was born.  We even talked about that.  She is sharp mentally, and had been up and walking, still living independantly up until this happened last week.  She has a sharp wit and an excellent sense of humor.  She is an incredible woman.

I am writing this because I have no place else to vent this to.  I write a little on the meal thread daily, to be accountable to the group, which keeps me mindful of my journey.  But after my posts it feels as though it is a lifetime before anyone else posts.  How do you follow someone stating "grammy is in hospice.  I'm ok with it.  Not tracking food.  Have a blessed day."?  I have cried little.  I know the mechanics of whats happening to her body, I'm a medical professional.  But I'm 47 and my grandmother is dying.  Last time this happened, it was sudden and I was 6.

I've been sober from alcohol for five years.  i'd be lying if I said I didn't want to drink, but I'm more likely to reach for gelato.  And I went to be with my family yesterday rather than do that.

This is an ongoing situation and I will probably add more later.  Just needed to get some of the emotion out.

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