krhanson0222
It's been a while
Oct 26, 2014
I was sleeved Oct 2008. HW: 340 LW:192 CW: 238. I sat at my lowest weight for probably less than 6 months, and it was because I had a tummy tuck and they cut 9lbs of skin off. My goal weight has always been 190, but I just let that go when I stayed around 200. Then I got to 210, and that made me unhappy, but I didn't change any habits. Three weeks ago, I weighed myself and I was at 242. That was the kick in the pants that I needed, but first, I need to discuss how I got here.
I was never really taught what maintenance meant. I have had a pretty rough go, complication-wise, and so far 2014 is the first year that I haven't had surgery of some kind. (All mostly minor, except for the TT) I didn't know how to transition back into real life, and I got too excited about being able to eat just about everything. It took me at least 4 years to realize that sleeve patients "dump" and how to read my body and understand when I was going too far. I have really decreased my discomfort/nausea/dumping since, but it was a hard road to learn that. I did see an amazing woman who was a nutritionist/addiction counselor/therapist, and she helped me when I was at the 2-3 year out period. She taught me about the Beck Diet Solution, which was really helpful to me for a while, and got me to my lowest weight pre-TT.
After the TT, I ended my 8 year relationship, because I felt held back. Also, I was suddenly getting attention from people, and I needed to explore that. I was 23 at the time, and this was the only relationship I had, starting at 15. I needed to sow those wild oats, I guess. I started drinking and clubbing. I did not develop an addiction transfer, thank god (I've never really liked to drink - too much of a control freak). I started dating someone else. I was on top of the world. I was hovering around my lowest weight. Slowly, however, I let everything I had learned go, and the only thing that was stopping me from gaining all of my weight back was the restriction (which is pretty easy to eat around, if you want to). No tracking calories, no exercising, no caring about my body. I was happy, in love, and loving life.
I honestly don't even know how I got to 242. My journey has been one of extremes. VSG in 2008 gave me the dramatic loss, then I worked really hard for the TT in 2011 because I wanted as much skin off as possible. I worked out every single day, and busted my butt. Hiatal hernia surgery in 2013 caused a little weight loss, because I was on liquids again, but I went back to regular eating habits right after. It has been constant ups and downs, with the lesson that only surgery = weight loss. I know this is not right/healthy, and I need to find my way back.
Three weeks ago, I joined the Jillian Michaels DietBet. I bought a scale for the first time in years. Scales are not good for me, and they cause a ton of obsession/depression/anxiety. Multiple health professionals have told me to not weigh myself more than once per month, if at all. Well, stepping on that scale and seeing 242 was like a stake through the heart. 242. 2. 4. 2. Forty. My weight involves the number "forty". So unacceptable.
So now, I am back on the journey. I am using routine, and planning to take the anxiety out of eating. I am journaling using MyFitnessPal and I am back to exercising 5-7 times per week. So far, I have lost 4lbs in 3 weeks. I have to get used to not pulling big numbers of loss, because that is never going to happen again. I need to learn how to do this on my own. I have been eating 1400ish calories for the past 2 weeks, and it's been pretty easy, I've gotten the routine down. Now it's time to shave off another 200 calories. I am going to do protein bar or greek yogurt for breakfast, shake for lunch, cheese with apple or carrots for snack, sensible protein/veggie dinner, and a shake for late snack.
I know that this is something I can stick to. There was a serious hump that I had to get over around the 10 day mark, but I made it. I will conquer this addiction. I am getting married in January, and I really want to have the best body I can, and be the healthiest I can. I am probably going to lose the DietBet (I would need to lose 6 more lbs in 10 days), and I am not going to do another. While very supportive, that community is way too obsessed with the number on the scale, and not WLS-friendly, so I am going to be back here for support.
I have a great group of friends that are incredibly health-conscious, love to be active, and eat sensibly. I am so lucky to have come across these people that embrace me. Its hard to imagine the "fat girl" that I have always felt like fitting in with the group that I am in now. They have all struggled. They are all strong women that want to be their best selves, and they all like to do different activities. Last night, at a party with them, the only dessert (that someone else made) was a choc/peanut butter "pie" made out of protein powder, coconut oil, etc. This is what I need, people who don't have to obsess or talk about their weight, because it is just their lifestyle. They are active because they love to be. I am so, so lucky.