lindsayslosing

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

After two months of hiding out, I have decided  to make myself visible once again. First off, I want to start by saying that I have not yet had my surgery. My life seemed to be spinning out of control in December, and I got scared. For anyone who doesn't know, I started my six month diet program at the end of September 2011.  I planned to have surgery around the end of March/beginning of April. In December, I got a call from my patient advocate telling me thatthey were submitting my claim to the insurance, and I may be approved  for surgery, and could have it at the end of the month, IF I MET MY WEIGHT LOSS REQUIREMENT. I had been slacking off, thinking that I had six months to lose nearly 40 pounds. I didn't feel that I needed to rush it.(Better yet, I wanted to have multiple food funerals and induldge in all the things that are bad for me) Well, there I was, trying to lose 45 pounds,(I had gained 8 pounds since  my start) on a liquid diet. There was so much food around me that I snapped. I ate everything I could get my hands on. (okay, I was nowhere near this crazy, but that is how I felt) I was so disapointed in myself when I got the call that I was approved.
 
Most people are probably thinking "Why didn't you just get it in January?" Well, my insurance provider changed on January 1st, so I was no longer approved. I then had to continue on the six month program, shooting for March/April. Well, here we are in March, and I still havent lost all of my weight. I had my monthly visit with everyone last thursday, and have since then been very strict on my diet. I even joined a gym so that I am guaranteed to get my exercise(because I am paying $40 a month, I'm not going to skip this) I meet with my NUT again in a week, and will weigh myself to see the progress I have made. I am hoping that I will have lost 15 pounds.

Now, for the reason that I haven't been on here, or at least making any posts or videos, is that I was ashamed and intimidated. I was ashamed that I had failed, and intimidated by all of those who have suceeded. I am now getting my life back on track, because I need the accountablility of making myself known. I feel that if others know about me, it will be much harder to fail, because I don't want to let down so many people. I can do this! I will do this.

I have always been told that I am just like my mother.  I'm nosy like my mother, I sing like my mother, (good thing, I hope!) I look like my mother, so I guess it was no surprise that I'm obese like my mother.  Granted my mother has lost a lot of weight in the past year, (she had gastric bypass not long ago) I hope that I am not like my mother when it comes to my weight loss journey. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother, but she DOES NOT follow rules. I went to visit her in Texas this past week, and the whole time I was there, I felt like she was doing things that I know she shouldn't be. I guess you can say she is a rule breaker.  She doesn't drink near enough water, maybe 20 oz a day, MAYBE. She did, however take time to drink wine. She wasn't getting in enough good protein, she ate a lot of yogurt and applesauce, not enough dense protein. She was eating cheesy potatos and sandwiches.  She didn't eat a lot of it, but I was under the impression that these were not good things to be eating. I started to mention little things to her, like getting in good proteins, and drinking more water, but I think it just angered her.  She also smokes! She has been since day 4 post op. I feel like I will be stronger than her, and follow the rules much better, but there is still a part of me that worries that I will adopt bad habbits like her, and end up right where I started. More than this, I worry for her health and safety. My stepdad texted me last night to let me know he had to take her to the ER because she was dehydrated. Ughhhhh. I guess I need to realize that I am in charge of my own success, and can't control, and shouldn't worry about hers.

--Through it all she offers me protection, a lot of love and affection, whether I'm right or wrong.

I see so many fellow OH people ashamed of themselves, or want to hide behind something as for us to not see who they really are. We should be proud of who we are, and love ourselves as ourselves, and then embrace the changes.
Personally speaking, I have spent the last several years of my life seeking acceptance from others. I was unable to love myself, because I was so worried about what others thought about me. I was only able to focus on the negatives. Growing up, I heard so many hateful comments from people who should have given love, I just had a terrible mindset from it. High school was a miserable time for me, because I had no self acceptance. If I knew then what I know now, the importance of self worth, I would have had such a better time. I now look at my good features and praise myself for what looks good. Trust me, there are good features to everyone!
We should no longer hide from who we are!
Like Gaga said:
"There's nothing wrong with loving who you are, cause he made you perfect babe. So hold your head up and you will go far, listen to me when I say, I'm beautiful in my way, cause God makes no mistakes, I'm on the right track, Baby I was born this way. Don't hide yourself in regret, just love yourself and your set. I'm on the right track, Baby I was born this way!
Rant ended!
--If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love someone else? -RuPaul

Did I mention I bake in my spare time? Probably not the best hobby for me to have, ut there is just something relaxing about it. I can usually bake without sampling, so that is a positive. I am baking for two birthday parties, one Cars and one Tinkerbell, both with personal cakes and cupcakes. Ughhhh, what did I get myself into? I'm not really worried about it though. I really need to get started instead of playing on here, or I will be up until 4 in the morning like the last time I did a birthday party, pirate themed,(Yes, I wore a costume!)
I was sitting here, trying to think of what to talk about, listening to my Paramore Pandora station, and I decided I wanted to talk about when people lie straight to your face to try to make you feel better. Like, when I say something about being fat, maybe a joke about being chubby (no, I don't make several uncomfortable jokes about my weight in front of people, just occasional ones, I mean we all have to laugh at ourselves about something, right?) I would always get the response "You aren't fat". Really? I would be standing there, in size 26 pants, and you want to tell me that I am not fat. Instead of lying about what I am, maybe you could tell me something positive about myself. Some of my friends DID learn to focus on the positives, so I always got "You are so photogenic" and "Your hair and makeup look fantastic" That is better, right? At times, I don't think I will be satisfied until my full self gets a positive comment. Maybe I have to be skinny to get the comment, "Hey Lindsay, you look great today". We all know we want positive comments and social acceptance (yes, I brought acceptance into this).
I'm going to go begin baking.

-- I've got a friend who shows me all the good times, tells me I look better, chews me up and spits me out, and then walks my ass home.

I'm having a hard time drinking my water :(  And then I have to pee all the time when I drink all my water.  I am just full of complaints lately, it seems. So, I have been wondering how to deal with everything once I start losing weight post-op. Do I tell people I had the surgery? Or do I just tell them I have changed my eating habbits and started exercising? I hate that some people feel that the surgery is a cop-out, or some majical thing that is going to make you lose all of your weight. I realize that it is a tool, and it will only help you if you are helping yourself, but I want others to realize that too.  I think some people have negative opinions about the thought, because they are insecure with themselves.  I have always been fat. I consider myself the DUFF, (Designated Ugly Fat Friend) although I am not ugly. What if I become more beautiful than my friends? I feel like that is a valid reason for for someone to become a sabateur, not that I believe that it is the right thing to do!  Anyways, so I need to decide what to tell people post surgery! Going to support group in Edmond tonight, pretty pumped. Motivation time!

---You can only move as fast as who's in front of you, and if you assume just like
           them, what good would it do?

I didn't realize there was a blog on here! I guess I will have to start coming prepared to talk and fill in on my journey. At this point, I am almost finished with my first month of the program, have five more months to go. I am getting so excited about my journey.  I can't wait for the day that I get my surgery date.

On another note, I am having such a hard time following my diet. I was doing well before I even started going to the surgeon, and not I have been really busy and traveling a lot of weekends, and it's like I have Last Supper Syndrome. I don't over-eat when I eat things I am not supposed to, but I am eating it even though I know I sholdn't. I feel like I part of me knows it's wrong while I am doing it, but the other part says that I won't be able to eat it, so I should get it out of my system. Ughhh. I need to get myself together, which means that I should probably go on a super strict diet for a week, and then ease my way back to the low carb. I can do this!

--I wanna know what it'd be like to find perfection in my pride, to see nothing in the light, or turn it off in all my spite.